sedgwick Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 So I know the ex is at an old-time festival this week surrounded by hot fiddle players. I got tattooed today. I wish I could get tattooed every day he's gone. Sometimes that's the only thing that really helps me control my emotions and my pain. But alas, I'm not rich. And my editor is taking forever to get back to me about my book, so I'm sitting around waiting waiting waiting on that, wondering if she loves it or hates it or what. All the while, Joe's off being a rockstar (of sorts.) I'm sitting here biting my fingernails and he's in bass heaven. I wonder if I'll ever be attracted to anyone ever again. I would like to be, but then when I think about actually having another relationship, it seems exhausting and I have noooooooooooooo desire. I want to be with him, but that's it. There is a small amount of comfort in allowing myself not to want a relationship. Does that make sense? I'm loopy, as I usually am after getting tattooed. I got some great work done on my back. I love tattoos. I also love this guy I totally shouldn't love. Tell me something encouraging, anything. I don't want to torture myself over whoever he may be with. Most of all I would like to think that maybe someday I might love again, but it seems like so much trouble. And I've started to believe there really are no single men out there over 35 who aren't gay anyway. More and more lately I just want to sit around in my underwear watching Project Runway with the cats, doing bonghits, and eating sushi. I'm trying to save myself from this fate as an overall life outcome, but it requires concerted effort, lemme tell ya. Do you ever feel like you just can't be bothered to give a f*ck anymore?
CaliGuy Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I'm single, over 35 and not gay, Sedge I'm not a big tattoo fan though, lol. Well come to think of it, I'm not into pot or cats either. But I could do sushi Sometimes I feel like I can't be bothered to give a f*** anymore but then again, I've got bills to pay. Life won't wait for me to catch up to it, so I have to stay ahead of the game. You either live life or it lives it for you. What's your choice?
Author sedgwick Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 Awwww...my big black beautiful boycat is the closest thing I'll ever have to a child. I found him abandoned in an alley when he was just a few hours old, and he was almost dead, and I bottle fed him. I adore my other kitty, who is the sweetest old lady in the world, but I adopted her as an adult, so we don't have the same kind of bond I have with my now-16-pound panther. He's been so important to me in getting over this breakup. Having his unconditional huge love is a great comfort. And yum, tattoos and fine smoke. Hey, it's definitely not for everyone, but I can take you on a tour of the best sushi restaurants in NYC!
ioncebelieved Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I'm single, over 35 and not gay, Sedge I'm not a big tattoo fan though, lol. Well come to think of it, I'm not into pot or cats either. But I could do sushi Sometimes I feel like I can't be bothered to give a f*** anymore but then again, I've got bills to pay. Life won't wait for me to catch up to it, so I have to stay ahead of the game. You either live life or it lives it for you. What's your choice? With Cali on the over 35 and NOT GAY!! Did I mention I was GREAT??? I AM!! Tattoos are hit or miss on females, but can't complain because I have several myself!!!
sao2 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Sedge, Imagine for a moment someone could give you a pill. This pill would make you get over him but the side affect would be that by taking the pill, if he were to ever ask for another chance, you would just not have it in you to be with him anymore. Now ask yourself, what if he did come back. Would you really have the energy to try again. you mention not being attracted to anyone and not having the energy to try. Do you think you would really have the energy to try and make it work with him again?
citizen67 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Sedge, Imagine for a moment someone could give you a pill. This pill would make you get over him but the side affect would be that by taking the pill, if he were to ever ask for another chance, you would just not have it in you to be with him anymore. I would take the pill
Author sedgwick Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 I would take the pill in a SECOND. No question!!!
sao2 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Next time you are feeling sad about him, remind yourself that you would rather be over him than be with him again. It is a small step but it has been critical for me to remind myself of this.
citizen67 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Next time you are feeling sad about him, remind yourself that you would rather be over him than be with him again. It is a small step but it has been critical for me to remind myself of this. That is GREAT advice - I can't tell you how much I look forward to the day that I see him and feel nothing - thanks Sao2
miss_28 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 More and more lately I just want to sit around in my underwear watching Project Runway with the cats, doing bonghits, and eating sushi. I'm trying to save myself from this fate as an overall life outcome, but it requires concerted effort, lemme tell ya. Do you ever feel like you just can't be bothered to give a f*ck anymore? all the time lately... i really don't give a rat's a$$ about dating or appealing to anyone right now...
Issues & tissues Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Same here. Although in my case it is due to deep-rooted cynicism rather than apathy or indifference. I have somehow managed to convince myself that all men (even my male relatives and closest male friends) are liars and cheaters. Primitive animals who for the sake of some hot new booty will throw away a perfectly good woman. This is a really bad place to be at. Thirty-seven and not wanting to have anything to do with the opposite gender perhaps forever! Hell, the thought of living alone in a bed-sit with 17 cats, wearing purple, cut off from the outside world seems especially appealing. Sorry to all the good men who post on here and have had their hearts ripped out by women who do the same. I didn't mean to offend anyone. But it's just where my head is at right now.
Author sedgwick Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 This is a really bad place to be at. Thirty-seven and not wanting to have anything to do with the opposite gender perhaps forever! Hell, the thought of living alone in a bed-sit with 17 cats, wearing purple, cut off from the outside world seems especially appealing. I'm the same age and think the same thing!! Except for me it's purple hair, and the studio apartment where I already live.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Sedgwick, this is very strange...I read your post last night and must have had Love Shack on my mind 'cause I had a dream with you in it. LOL. I know I have never met you but in my dream, I was in a hotel hallway (I work as a housekeeper in real life) and somebody that I knew was you walked by. You had long dreadlocks down to the floor and this teenager said something that made fun of you and I threatened to beat him up while in the elevator. That's not all of the dream but that is the part that featured you. Isn't that crazy?!
sid3 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Purple hair is rare, but blue can be nice too:confused: Something about pink just doesn't seem right... there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to date. When bitter feels good, I'll be the first to admit it works wonders. Nothing is forever so why not. When used a coping mechanism, it can help one heal faster. And when someone feels the need to say " bitter aren't we", reply no, I'm bitter and your an just an idiot. a breakup pill, a wonderful idea. Chewables would be nice.
sao2 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 The pill I mentioned is the realization that if you could choose happiness without the ex over whatever uncertain future lies with the ex, you would. The pill I mentioned is what I call "the right words". What if she did want to come back into my life. At this point what could she possibly say to me that would suddenly make everything ok? What could she possibly say that would take us to a point where it would even make sense to try again? The pill I mentioned is the "then what". What would happen if she did suddenly say all the right words and somehow made a place for herself in my life. As much as I tried to prevent it from happening my life has moved forward to a place where her and I don't make sense anymore. Even if I wanted to make room for her in my life, the steps I have taken forward have placed me too far off of a course that would intersect hers. Finally, the pill I mentioned is the realization that for the first time in a long time I am starting to feel just even slightly better. That progress is more valuable than her at this point in my life. All this has started to bear down on me again recently as my ex's and I's birthday season has brought a new correspondence between us. As much as I enjoy hearing from her, things between us are still quite strained and I am happy to say that while I may consider giving it another shot if she asked, I am most definitely not going to ask. She will not ask, even if she wanted to because it is not in her nature. Anyways, to get back to you Sedge, if he were to come back and confess how wrong he has been and how you are the only woman for him, violin be damned! What would be the appropriate reaction from you? Do you really think you could just jump right back into things with him? Maybe you could, maybe you think you can, but a year is a long time to want ot be with someone and not. A year is a long time to hold back from someone you know is holding a candle for you. A year is a long time to be away from somebody you truly love because they aren't a fiddler.
Author sedgwick Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 You're right, Sao. That's tough to hear but it's true. If he still loved me, he'd have been in touch. I struggle with feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, but the fact is that he didn't love me like I loved him and I need to find someone who can love me back. I'm kind of enjoying being single right now. I'm certainly not interested in dating. I'm far more interested in what I'm doing, and that's as it should be. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love like that again, but that's not my primary concern at the moment. Really, I'd just like to stop thinking about him every minute of every day. Ah well. I suppose that will come with time. And what a funny dream!! My neck would break if my hair was that long. It's reached the middle of my back and it's really heavy. As for teenagers, they actually tend to love me, and I totally love working with them! That's what I feel like I have to do in my life right now -- help adolescents with eating disorders by teaching them to tell their own stories in both writing and film. Also, I do have pink hair!! Which is another reason why kids like me.
sao2 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 It is only human to feel that somehow we "didn't measure up" when we get dumped. It becomes easy to blame a superficial reason like "I don't play the fiddle" or anything else. The reality is often too hard to face. I know in my case I have made excuses for her behavior, even know I like to tell myself that she is just scared. The bottom line is that when someone loves you all the other stuff becomes background. He just wasn't in love with you. It doesn't make him a bad person, just a tasteless one. BTW, I think it is absolutely awesome that you have found this passion with helping kids. Good luck.
Author sedgwick Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Why did he act so in love with me, tell me he was, tell me I was the most amazing woman he'd ever been with, etc? Why did we have an amazing year of being totally in love and then all of a sudden I didn't play the fiddle and he was gone? Was I totally blind to think he was telling the truth when he said he loved me? Was I just not special enough for him to actually mean it? If he did fall out of love with me, if he ever really loved me in the first place, I *must* have done something. I must have. I wish I could figure out what it was.
sao2 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Aww, Sedgwick, HUGS!!!!!! Some things just aren't meant for us to know. I wish this weren't the case but it is. Ask yourself how much of your pain is missing him and how much of your pain is wishing you had the answers to those questions? Look Sedgwick, we all know he left for some other reason other than "you weren't a fiddler" whether that reason was he just wasn't in love enough or whatever. If he was not decent enough to give you an honest reason then he is simply not the person you want to be with. You said you would take the pill, that means you have chosen a life without him. You can imagine yourself happy without him in your life and it seems like you are on your way their if not already. This relapse may just be a response to the realization that you have let go even more. It is hard to let go. For a long time the scariest scenario was the one where she does come back, after I have moved on and her place in my heart was no more.
Author sedgwick Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I'm having such a rough time missing him. It was so hard talking to him two months ago, even for just a few minutes. It hurts me a lot that I sent him a text message a month later saying I love you and he didn't even respond. If he could have just said thanks, or f*ck off, or just acknowledged receipt, it would have meant so much to me. 13 months later and I still think of him every second of every day. It really hurts not having been good enough for him. I miss him so much.
sao2 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I know it hurts. I have a lot of the same feelings as well. Yes, you were willing to move forward with him. Yes, he was not willing to move forward with you. We all wish this reality could be sugarcoated but it can't. Silence is the cowards way out. Rather than deal with the act of truly letting you go or letting you down they just ignore you. What could he have said when you told him how you felt? He may have felt that nothing he said would have been sufficient short of returning the sentiment. He may have not appreciated the sentiment after this time has passed. It doesn't matter though. He is not in your life and it is up to you to live your life for you now. Move forward with your life, accept that he has not shown that he is interested in building a life with you. Life is too short to go on like this.
Capricciosa Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 More and more lately I just want to sit around in my underwear watching Project Runway with the cats, doing bonghits, and eating sushi. Well that actually sounds kind of fun. If we were in the same city, we could do it together Sorry you're feeling glum. There are straight men over 35, really there are. But none of them are going to make any sense until you somehow let go of your attachment to Joe. Have you gone for outside help, therapy, spiritual guidance, anything like that? (sorry, I haven't read all the replies, I just remembered you from when you first broke up).
journey1 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 That is exactly how i feel and i am bitter towards all people who are in love it makes me sooooooooooooooo jealous
Author sedgwick Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Have you gone for outside help, therapy, spiritual guidance, anything like that? Just got home from therapy 10 minutes ago.
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