LionLover Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 If you need time to reflect, time to figure out what you want, then that's what you have to do. You have to do what's in your heart, perhaps there is someone else out there for you. That is where you are at/what you want, so she will have to be respectful of it (boundary). I don't think her feelings ever changed as far as wanting a relationship with you, I think she just sensed to much hesitation on your end like you said. The timing was there for her, not you. So at this point, she is faced with two options. Either walk away completly, or remain in your life as a friend. I know she won't be able to know/see that your out there searching for other possibilties, it would tear her up inside. Neither of you should be kept in limbo, it would be unfair & hurtful. You've already made the decision to move forward without her, with her as a friend, so she now has to go on with her life too. Something tells me though, this was something she saw coming a long time ago & explains why she stopped talking to you, when she did. Women can sense these things, so that is something you should always remember.
Walk Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I think you're in for a hell of a heartache by staying friends with her. I agree with Ronni and D-Lish. She is playing you. Not intentionally. And she isn't doing it to hurt you, but she's going to hurt you very badly. You need to tell her exactly what you said on here (that you feel there is something good between the two of you) and that you're going to walk away from "just being friends" with her. That you want more then just friends. You have plenty of confidence, you just gotta bring it to the surface. I've been through this on both sides, and it never ends well.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 That you want more then just friends. I really don't think that he does. You know his view, not hers...
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 LL, I'm really not sure that she actually wants a relationship at the moment... she feels she rushed into things... and it got too deep too fast. I kinda do want a relationship right now... but I'm not 100% sure of that. At the early stages (when she was chasing me)... I kept telling myself "If she left now... would I really care?" and the answer was almost always "not really". There came a point though... right before she suggested slowing things that I thought "well, maybe I would care now". That feeling came too late for her, imo. Sometimes I just take time to adjust... I really need to know a person before I can get into them. Walk, I think we actually CAN be friends... and she's a good person, and someone I enjoy being around (yes, even as just a friend). I've always been a firm believer in "seeing where things go" and this is what I see happening here. I've already told her that I had gotten myself into the mindset of wanting something more, but if that wasn't what she wanted anymore it would be unfair for me to force it upon her... or make her feel guilty about it (that's almost exactly what I told her). Anyway, I suppose I'll be able to gauge whether or not I can be her friend in a short while... after I do things with her in that context. If it seems like I just can't, then yes, I'll tell her that. so in other words we've sort of "friendzoned" each other at the same time. I say that in quotes because it's not the typical friendzone... it's more one of convenience.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Her feelings towards you never changed, she probably felt yours weren't there or at least progressing, after a certain point. Women don't jump into relationship mode because they're "usure"...They become unsure when they sense hesitance from the guy. This is a prime example from another poster: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161626/ SHE became unsure of YOU when your personal "shields" got in the way.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 so it turns out I won't see her for at least another 8 days... I've heard she's out of town... some family thing.... anyway, LL... I see your point. But if that was the case... then when I said that I was ready for something more, wouldn't she have then agreed? It seems like an odd reaction if she wanted something more then as well.... my general idea is to wait a few months and if I feel like I still want something, I'll see if she wants to try again... but properly this time (she'd have to know that I DO actually have a romantic side). It couldn't have worked the way it was last time... too screwed up.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 But if that was the case... then when I said that I was ready for something more, wouldn't she have then agreed? I do not recall you every saying that, how/when did you actually say this to her... My understanding is that you told her you weren't "freaked out" when she thought you may have been & you told her you "weren't" JUST to "comfort her". So you can understand where the confusion may have set in.. Anyway, I believe she understands all of this & I believe she has tried the best she could to figure out her place in all of this. I think you are being smart in taking the time to sort things out for yourself, I really do. Because it wouldn't be fair to her or you otherwise. You suggested to wait a few months and if YOU feel like it is still something you want, then see if she wants to try again...
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I said this to her 2 weeks ago when she announced that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. I told her that my mindset had changed, but that if she wasn't feeling it at that point, we'd just forget it for now. She said something about a lot this being a giant series of miscommunications (which in a sense it was). I tell ya though... she was REALLY intense in her initial chase... I've never been in that situation before. Now I miss it, lol. When she initially said she wanted to slow down and just try "dating" for a while... I was quite ready fr something more... and felt like I was in the starting blocks waiting for the gun to go off... but it didn't. And so I didn't feel right getting too close to her... if I'd realized it a few days earlier things might have been much different But you've got it right. After all, I've got nothing to lose if I ask her in a few months... I know that I wouldn't lose her friendship (we're not like that). I certainly can't wait any less time, as I have to take her word for it that she's just not ready right now. Besides, we weren't really friends before anyway... so it's not like we had some deep tight "friend" relationship at any point. If I still feel it's worth it, if I don't take the chance and ask her, I know I'd regret it. That's one thing I hate... regret. what's ironic is I've wanted for so long for a girl to do the initiating...and then when it happened I was so shocked I wasn't really prepared and blew it . Now she's just hard to read... she was never easy... her signals weren't the typical ones in the first place anyway. of course, none of this matters if she ends up with someone else within the next few months... (she's not a dating maniac or anything)
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Miscommunication is a biggy. I'm positive she regrets slowing it down, she probably felt you weren't ready to move forward with her. It's hard to try & hold onto someone who's not there with you..especially when you have feelings for them. Things might have turned out differently, if two people listened to their hearts vs. their heads. But I can't blame you for not wanting to get close to her again after that. She probably did not realize or see at the time, that the starting blocks had been there. Her intensity, was brought out by you so that's a good thing. Either way, I'm sure she misses it too... None of it will matter, if either of you finds someone else. Generally though, when someone feels very strongly about someone, it doesn't go away overnight.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Miscommunication is a biggy. which is ironic, because I feel like I can communicate with her better than almost anyone I've known (including my parents). Almost every time we'd get together we'd end up back at her place (she lives 3 blocks away from me) and we'd talk about whatever till like 5 or 6 in the morning... and we totally wouldn't even realize the time until we parted. Only in the one area was there an initial mixup. lol, I wish I could hire you to sit down with both of us and talk things out. You're quite good at it, I must say. I will keep updating this thread with my various thoughts when something happens and such. If nothing else, it feels good to write them down.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 which is ironic, because I feel like I can communicate with her better than almost anyone I've known Yes I know what you mean, it's a pretty amazing thing to have that with someone when you just have an understanding of someone like that. lol no need to hire me, I think you two are doing just fine on your own Keep us updated, she can continue to be respectful of your decision to be just friends in the meantime..
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 keep in mind it was also her decision.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 keep in mind it was also her decision. True. Also keep in mind that it was your non-decision that prompted her decision WAY before all of this happend. Noodle noodle
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 probably true. One can only hope that most of what you've said is what's actually happened.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 probably true. One can only hope that most of what you've said is what's actually happened. Before I go to sleep, you should know (not hope) that it was absolutely her reason for the decision back when it happened. It had NOTHING to do with non-interest on her part, ever. Goodnight for now, she'll be thinking of you.
LionLover Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 so it turns out I won't see her for at least another 8 days... I've heard she's out of town... some family thing.... She's not on vacation and you know it.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 She's not on vacation and you know it. no, actually she is. She goes back to her hometown a LOT (every weekend almost)... she's there a bit longer now because there will be some family of hers in from out of town. This is TRUE. I know that she canceled several things in order to be there... and besides, it wasn't her that told me (although I have since exchanged a brief email with her where she did mention it)
LionLover Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 no, actually she is. She goes back to her hometown a LOT (every weekend almost)... she's there a bit longer now because there will be some family of hers in from out of town. This is TRUE. I know that she canceled several things in order to be there... and besides, it wasn't her that told me (although I have since exchanged a brief email with her where she did mention it) Good to know, thanks.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Good to know, thanks. indeed... as I said, she's not the type to play games...
LionLover Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 indeed... as I said, she's not the type to play games... Well she would be happy to know that. It shows you trust her word so that's a good thing.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 yep. I've told her as much anyway... when we had are little 'talk' about her not wanting a relationship etc... she said that she wanted to talk about it BEFORE we went to our concert so that I didn't think that she was just using me to get tickets for the event. I told her that I have a pretty good intuition about people and that I couldn't have imagined her doing something like that (using me for tix), and that I considered her a genuinely good and trustworthy person. so yeah, I'd trust her.
LionLover Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 yep. I've told her as much anyway... when we had are little 'talk' about her not wanting a relationship etc... Hmmmm, I do not recall her saying flat out that she did not want a relationship BEFORE the concert. I do recall her being under the assumption that two people were headed towards relationshipville, being you initiated spending so much time w/her at the phone booth….(which she liked/wanted too of course). I think she became confused when you wouldn’t visit her at her campus or yours. Something you said about “jumping into swimming pools”, “feeling out the water in the swimming pools”, “taking showers to smell like flowers”, “dots & circles”. So anyone at that time, would be confused by what to make of that. She did TRY to interpret on her own, what those comments meant exactly, even tried to re-verify at the phone booth later that night. Her only conclusion based on what you told her at that time… was that you must have lost your marbles or something. I told her that I have a pretty good intuition about people and that I couldn't have imagined her doing something like that (using me for tix), and that I considered her a genuinely good and trustworthy person. so yeah, I'd trust her. Good, that’s very important. It means a lot to her, to hear that you do. Cause yeah, she’d trust you too.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Hmmmm, I do not recall her saying flat out that she did not want a relationship BEFORE the concert. I do recall her being under the assumption that two people were headed towards relationshipville, being you initiated spending so much time w/her at the phone booth….(which she liked/wanted too of course). I think she became confused when you wouldn’t visit her at her campus or yours. Something you said about “jumping into swimming pools”, “feeling out the water in the swimming pools”, “taking showers to smell like flowers”, “dots & circles”. So anyone at that time, would be confused by what to make of that. She did TRY to interpret on her own, what those comments meant exactly, even tried to re-verify at the phone booth later that night. Her only conclusion based on what you told her at that time… was that you must have lost your marbles or something. what say what now? I didn't say any of those things (swimming pools etc...)... I dare say Ms LL... are you high? or did you just miss a large chunk of the thread... btw, it was the day of the concert...
LionLover Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 what say what now? I didn't say any of those things (swimming pools etc...)... I dare say Ms LL... are you high? or did you just miss a large chunk of the thread... btw, it was the day of the concert... No you did not say it on "here", you said it offline BEFORE the concert. Whichever, before the concert is before the concert..
Author likestolaugh Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 are we playing wordgames now? anyway... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1782389&postcount=40
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