likestolaugh Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I could make this long, but in the interest of not making it dull, I'll be short. This girl and I (we haven't been seeing each other very long at all) were very intimate at the very start (not sex). She made most of the advances. A couple days ago she tells me that she thinks she might have freaked me out (which I assured her she hadn't), and that instead of jumping straight into a relationship she just wants to date me for a while.. she tells me that her past relationships have all been long ones, and this is why she instinctively started that way with me even though she apparently says she didn't want a intense relationship right away right now. Sooo.... I'm the type where my feelings get stronger as time goes on, and indeed they are... When someone says what she did... how slow should things go? (it's not like we don't touch each other anymore or anything.. still kiss when saying goodbye). I'm just mildly confused is all. I'm not sure if it makes a difference... but we knew each other for about 4 years... we weren't friends... but were in the same program in uni. More of a "oh I know who that is" type of contact. I feel like I REALLY don't want to blow this one.... she's got almost everything I look for... and what she doesn't is already being changed (weight) and just so it's clear... SHE was the one who started going fast at the start.... and I guess thought she was doing too much too soon... I'm a tough person to get through to emotionally (person shields... it's a long story)... and so I don't think I was being responsive enough immediately. It takes me time... and so I'm fine with taking time to develop the relationship. Anything to make it work, more or less. As long as she's still interested... she recently told me that she tries to categorize things all the time (it's her nature) and so early on she categorized us as a "couple" or a "relationship"... when apparently she felt she should have done the dating thing first.... she wants us to 'take things as they come'.... ...which is fine by me, as long as they do come because there's something different about this one for me... and I can't quite put my finger on it. [i admit I do tend to look for signs in EVERY little thing (like any voicemails or txt msgs that she sends me)... I really should try not to over analyze these things I suppose...] I think I've repeated myself enough now.
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 As I see it, the fact that she's the one who did the initial pursuing and encouraging of a deep emotional attachment is quite irrelevant to the current-day situation. There are individuals - women and men - who are much more into the chase. And once they catch their "prey", so to speak, the same level of thrills and excitement kind of isn't there, anymore. Or it wanes pretty darn quickly. Is your concern that you have a sense that she may be keeping you (or attempting to keep you) on a string? Like a fall back, 'Plan B' guy? That would be rather easy to do with someone who expresses a philosophy along the lines of "just about anything to make it work."
Author likestolaugh Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 I don't really think that's the case with her, actually. I really honestly don't think that she's be the type of person to do that to someone. My concern is that I'll now be moving too slow/too fast for her and have no idea which is best at this point...
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 My concern is that I'll now be moving too slow/too fast for her and have no idea which is best at this point... Ah, I see. Have you asked her to clarify what, exactly, it is that she currently wants from her relationship with you? That is, what is the role that she'd prefer you to take, that will help her maintain her own comfort level? At the same time, what would you prefer? -- you would be perfectly reasonable to communicate your own needs and desires, as well. And hopefully there is a mutually acceptable compromise that you'll discover, together.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 well she's just said that she wants to "take things as they come"... we both did try to clarify our positions, but sadly we both failed at accurately portraying exactly what we wanted... I think. Should I just go ahead and continue with physical contract at least (I mean the smaller things, like hugs and putting my arm around her and such)?
Author likestolaugh Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 because bumping sucks, I'll do so just once...
Mahatma Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 As I see it, the fact that she's the one who did the initial pursuing and encouraging of a deep emotional attachment is quite irrelevant to the current-day situation. There are individuals - women and men - who are much more into the chase. And once they catch their "prey", so to speak, the same level of thrills and excitement kind of isn't there, anymore. Or it wanes pretty darn quickly. Is your concern that you have a sense that she may be keeping you (or attempting to keep you) on a string? Like a fall back, 'Plan B' guy? That would be rather easy to do with someone who expresses a philosophy along the lines of "just about anything to make it work." he is completely right. you let her go and advance too fast. when you have a girl like this, the trick is to force her to take it slow and it will drive her crazy. never verbalize this though, or she'll think you are prude.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 he is completely right. you let her go and advance too fast. when you have a girl like this, the trick is to force her to take it slow and it will drive her crazy. never verbalize this though, or she'll think you are prude. understood... but then where does this leave me now?
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 well she's just said that she wants to "take things as they come" Actually, I can't see where she "failed" at telling you what she wants -- at least, according to your post, she was quite clear. I can only tell you my interpretation of it, at this point: "Let's just be and do however, and give and receive whatever, but please understand that we are not otherwise committed to each other at this time." You can do the hugs and such, of course, but I'd be really cautious about letting her acceptance and returning of those types of gestures be any indication that she is placing any deeper meaning onto them. That is, she is NOT, according to what she said she wants, placing any deeper meaning on hugs and such.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I wonder how I'll know then, if/when she wants to get things going on a more serious level... I'll be honest, I'm quite terrible at reading women (I know, it's cliché, but still true). My tendency is to overanalyze things... and when she says things like "but, I don't want it to be black and white" (referring to us).... it doesn't help.... I mean, I've come on here asking for help (and trust me, I'm grateful for your responses ) ... but then an friend of mine suggested that she still likes me and all, simply by how she behaves (the goodbye kisses, etc...).... so confusing!
sid3 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Yeah it is confusing. I am right there with you. It's mind boggling why they are affectionate, say one thing, then their actions don't match. I think the poster who suggested the possibility of her liking the chase may have been on to something. It's also true people want what they think they can't have. While it's not the easiest thing to do, you have to be willing to walk away. That's only advice I have for you, as I am pretty much in the exact same situation.
LionLover Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 OK I'll try to help you out with where I think her mindset is (since I am a female) and this is only based on what you've written because obviously I do not know her. She pursued you initially because you are probably shy so she decided to take the initiative herself. That was easy for her to do because there werent any "risks" as far as feelings are concerned since she just met you. Once you begin spending time together, talking etc., and sex comes in play - the whole dynamics change. It is a scary time for both when/if feelings begin to develop & if her feelings are increasing at a faster rate & she believes yours arent, she worries she will risk chasing off the guy & she'll pull back. So, she may have been picking up on something from your end that would indicate that to her & it caused her to back off. Not because she wants to, but she may be worried it would be too much too soon for you. That could be indicated by her comment "lets just take things as they come" & trying to keep at the "dating level". In her mind, its moreso for your benefit but also because she is trying to protect herself in the process.
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I totally get that you're getting mixed signals...that is on the person sending them. BUT...it is on you if you allow those mixed signals to mix-up your own thought processes and feelings, and have you scurrying this way and that. To retain YOUR OWN sanity, it would be best to conduct yourself according to her words. The reason for that is because it is crazy-making to try to read other people's minds and intentions and whatever is going on for them, internally. That is not your job. Besides, as a race, we have not yet perfected our telepathic skills. Maybe she is genuinely not aware of her confusing signals, maybe she is very much aware. But "maybes" don't help your sanity. IMO, you would be best to wait until the actual words come out of her mouth, "Okay, I'm ready to take things to a more serious level." Well, not even. As I see it, that is your SECOND best thing to do. But I'm not sure if you are ready to even consider the VERY best thing...which is to just make yourself unavailable. It'll be a challenge, and it'll be painful, and it'll be "oh, stop my aching heart." I know it will be all of that. But it's still the best input that I have to offer you, based on what you've posted. (((hugs))) <-- and I know that doesn't make it any easier, either. Sorry .
Author likestolaugh Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 until you posted that I'd been maybe thinking that I could subtly help things along... ie... be more romantic. I see what you think I might get from making myself unavailable... that if she truly likes me, she'll eventually come back... it's just that I'm not so sure we're that far along yet for those sorts of feelings to have developed on her end. I'm more of a "slow-burn" kinda guy... it just takes me time to have an effect on someone... I suppose though, I'll see what I can do about minimizing contact.... OK I'll try to help you out with where I think her mindset is (since I am a female) and this is only based on what you've written because obviously I do not know her. She pursued you initially because you are probably shy so she decided to take the initiative herself. That was easy for her to do because there werent any "risks" as far as feelings are concerned since she just met you. Once you begin spending time together, talking etc., and sex comes in play - the whole dynamics change. It is a scary time for both when/if feelings begin to develop & if her feelings are increasing at a faster rate & she believes yours arent, she worries she will risk chasing off the guy & she'll pull back. So, she may have been picking up on something from your end that would indicate that to her & it caused her to back off. Not because she wants to, but she may be worried it would be too much too soon for you. That could be indicated by her comment "lets just take things as they come" & trying to keep at the "dating level". In her mind, its moreso for your benefit but also because she is trying to protect herself in the process. this is what I really WISH is happening. Because then I can do something about it...
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 it's just that I'm not so sure we're that far along yet for those sorts of feelings to have developed on her end. The other, equally real possibility is that you are far along enough...for her to have realized that you are not the guy who is gonna have any effect on her, not slow- or quick-burn style. Honestly, I think that she's trying to be really nice and kind and sweet, and not just wanting to come right out and tell you, straight and to the point. She HAD an opportunity to take it to the next-serious level...she backed away from that. She said let's just "take it as it comes". THAT is what she wants. It doesn't mean anything hopeful. It's just "oh, whatever." It is a move away from, not towards. If she is doing some purposeful thing, then you backing away makes the most sense. And if she is not interested (in the same way you are), then you backing away makes the most sense, too. Either way, there isn't anything that I can see, that you can do that would ultimately prove effective and productive.
sid3 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Either way, there isn't anything that I can see, that you can do that would ultimately prove effective and productive. walk away is something that may prove to be effective. Sadly people don't realise what they have until it's gone. Not saying that is the only possibility here, but being unavailble may be the best thing to do as RW has already suggested. Not an easy choice to make.People back away for unknown reasons, there are often other issues than just interest levels. It's a tough place to be in OP. It's always better to know where one stands than to be left wondering. It can get exhausting.
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 walk away is something that may prove to be effective. OOPS! Yes. I should have typed, "...there isn't anything ELSE that I can see..." That is, even if she IS trying to 'protect herself' as LL suggested earlier, there STILL isn't anything ELSE to do but back away. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting on her to find her way back but, even if that is going to happen (which doesn't sound like it's what she wants), OP still has no way or hope of influencing the "when or how" of it, IMO.
LionLover Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 until you posted that I'd been maybe thinking that I could subtly help things along... ie... be more romantic. I see what you think I might get from making myself unavailable... that if she truly likes me, she'll eventually come back... it's just that I'm not so sure we're that far along yet for those sorts of feelings to have developed on her end. I'm more of a "slow-burn" kinda guy... it just takes me time to have an effect on someone... I suppose though, I'll see what I can do about minimizing contact.... this is what I really WISH is happening. Because then I can do something about it... Well it could very well be the case. If she is where I am, then absolutely. So you can either go with what’s in your heart, or what’s in your head. It really all depends on how much you feel it is worth it & what your gutt tells you.
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Well it could very well be the case. If she is where I am, then absolutely. Lion, it has been quite a while since I was a "young" woman doing dating and relationships. (Now I'm just an old woman doing one relationship .) Maybe I'm forgetting something, so hoping you might be able to fill in the gaps in my memory. From your earlier post, you seem to have really clear insight and understanding into your own situation -- what I'm not getting is why wouldn't you just tell the guy, instead of sending mixed signals and confusing the heck out of him -- I am assuming that you're acting in ways pretty similar to OP's girl cos of how you phrased it...but I realize I may have misinterpreted. Anyway. Thanks for any help you can offer. Not life or death, I'm just curious what I may be forgetting.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Well it could very well be the case. If she is where I am, then absolutely. So you can either go with what’s in your heart, or what’s in your head. It really all depends on how much you feel it is worth it & what your gutt tells you. my gut is telling me that ultimately she still likes me (or is it me convincing myself of this?! ahh! ). My gut tells me that this could be way more than a lustful fling (right mixture of ingredients). My gut wants me to go right out and tell her everything on my mind (too shy to do that however). It's like she made the moves, but was unimpressed by my lesser response (I just wasn't ready)... and wants me to make a move (like it's my turn)... and is backing off (not chasing me) waiting for me to do this, which is why she's left the door open. THIS is what my gut tells me. my brain tells me that I should be extremely careful not to ruin things.
LionLover Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Lion, it has been quite a while since I was a "young" woman doing dating and relationships. (Now I'm just an old woman doing one relationship .) Maybe I'm forgetting something, so hoping you might be able to fill in the gaps in my memory. From your earlier post, you seem to have really clear insight and understanding into your own situation -- what I'm not getting is why wouldn't you just tell the guy, instead of sending mixed signals and confusing the heck out of him -- I am assuming that you're acting in ways pretty similar to OP's girl cos of how you phrased it...but I realize I may have misinterpreted. Anyway. Thanks for any help you can offer. Not life or death, I'm just curious what I may be forgetting. Well there was a significant period of time that lagged in-between us seeing each other in person which caused me a lot of ensuing confusion. There were also some comments he made to me (at the time) that indicated he was not ready for a relationship & that things were going to fast. So I felt if we could slow it down in other aspects (daily communication, etc.), he would feel less pressured & our relationship would fall into place. Yes, I should have been more direct with what I wanted but he was the first person I had met in a very long time where I did not care about what I wanted, I only wanted everything to go with what I thought he was most comfortable with. And I didn't understand why at the time, but sometimes you meet someone & for no explanation or reason at all, you want everything to go in their benefit & that's when I realized what I realized but have yet to tell him.
Author likestolaugh Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Well there was a significant period of time that lagged in-between us seeing each other in person which caused me a lot of ensuing confusion. There were also some comments he made to me (at the time) that indicated he was not ready for a relationship & that things were going to fast. So I felt if we could slow it down in other aspects (daily communication, etc.), he would feel less pressured & our relationship would fall into place. Yes, I should have been more direct with what I wanted but he was the first person I had met in a very long time where I did not care about what I wanted, I only wanted everything to go with what I thought he was most comfortable with. And I didn't understand why at the time, but sometimes you meet someone & for no explanation or reason at all, you want everything to go in their benefit & that's when I realized what I realized but have yet to tell him. well as I said, she did say that she thought that she might have freaked me out at the start (which may actually have been true)
LionLover Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 well as I said, she did say that she thought that she might have freaked me out at the start (which may actually have been true) Well that is pretty similiar to what I had said to him. And I picked up on that I guess (him being freaked out) without him having to actually tell me with words.
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 There were also some comments he made to me (at the time) that indicated he was not ready for a relationship & that things were going to fast. So I felt if we could slow it down in other aspects (daily communication, etc.), he would feel less pressured & our relationship would fall into place. Thanks for taking the time, Lion, I really appreciate it. I am noticing a few differences though, in that your guy had expressed a concern of things going too fast, feeling pressured, etc. I didn't see where OP had expressed any such anxieties to his girl. I interpreted that OP's girl just started to distance herself without any prompting or him doing or saying anything about "being freaked out". Or. Maybe it is that you are more in OP's shoes, so to speak...where you want something deeper but your guy isn't doing anything towards that, or is still expressing anxiety about it? In which case, it seems that you did take the step back, as per suggestions that OP is getting. (Again, I might have gotten some part of this confused.) I do agree with thinking positive and holding hope, but in my experience, it is also dangerous (to one's Heart) to harbour false hope. So maybe just that caution needs to be exercised. Regardless, though, I'm sorry that there seems to be a bit of unspoken feelings between you and your guy -- hopefully it'll work out in a way that'll make your heart happiest .
Author likestolaugh Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 yes, btw, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to my situation like this. Anyway, I may have given the impression of being freaked out. I don't know. I told her I wasn't when she suggested I might have been...but I probably just said that to comfort her. my girl seemingly decided to distance herself because she was maybe unsure of what she wanted... as I said, all her previous relationships were longer ones... and so she went into that mode RIGHT AWAY (longterm relationship mode... I mean she was already talking to me in terms of YEARS)... without anything really developing naturally before it. Hell, I wasn't totally sure that she was interested in me until she decided to spontaneously make out with me one afternoon. Then 4 days later (3 after last being intimate) she expresses to me what she did... I know I'll be seeing her a couple times this week though... (we have concert tickets, and something else to attend together)
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