Craigslist Wife & Mother Job Opportunity!

[Milan721]

Found this on craigslist. Sorry, it's lengthy but amusing (if not downright depressing). Note the part under "miscellaneous duties".

 

Wife/Mother Job Description

 

Loving family of 2 boys and 1 man in need of a new wife and mother. Must be attractive, kind, patient, reliable, understanding, able to lift 35lbs +. Qualified candidate must also be able to work well under pressure, meet ever-changing demands and meet deadlines. Please see job description as follows:

 

Daily Duties

 

- Must be able to cook meals that are healthy, tasty, have not come in contact with a microwave, and are approved by picky 2yr old, picky 5yr old and picky husband. (Do not bother keeping leftovers, as this family will not eat it).

- Help feed 2yr old his meals or be prepared to clean food from ceiling and other precarious areas afterward

- Diaper changing as needed, at least 6 times per day.

- Clean pools of urine near toilet area to avoid nauseating smell.

- Check and sort mail.

- Make sure children do not kill/severely injure themselves or each other (be prepared as this may happen several times throughout the day).

- Calmly deal with constant whining such as, but not limited to, “I want this!” “I want that!” “Why do I have to do this?” “I don’t want that!” “Why won’t you buy me that?” and the occasional screaming tantrum.

- Be prepared to repeat simple instructions constantly throughout the day, as no one will be listening to you.

- Be supportive and understanding to husband’s complaints of clients, employees and co-workers.

- Chauffeur kids to and from school and other activities.

- Assist with daily homework and projects.

- Efficiently handle evening routine of having dinner ready, family fed, dishes washed, children bathed, supervision and help with room cleaning, bed time stories read, and then the usual blockbuster movie with husband afterward.

- Be prepared to soothe crying baby at all hours of the night.

 

Other Duties to be performed as necessary

 

HOUSEHOLD

- Coordinate, maintain and update family budget, which includes family spending, gas, groceries, bill payment, child support payments, business expenses, deposits to tax account and deposits to savings which should include funds for annual family vacation, airfare for husband and stepson traveling to and from ex-wife’s residence twice per year (roughly $4,000), retirement savings and emergency funds. Be prepared to know all details of the budget, as you will have occasional pop quizzes about why you can’t afford a new truck, expensive toys, hot tubs, and massage chairs.

- Coordinate schedules and payments for all outside vendors including, but not limited to yard service, pest control, general contractors, CPA. Must be able to follow up on uncompleted projects.

- Organize and maintain a bill payment system.

- Maintain and update separate home and business filing systems and records for at least the past 3 years.

- Make sure all bills are paid on time and sufficient funds are available at all times.

- Coordinate child support payments for 3 different kids, 3 different baby mamas.

- Be prepared to handle discrepancies with credit card companies, utility companies and any other vendors.

- Weekly grocery shopping. Fridge and pantry should be clean, organized and well stocked.

- Begin and maintain potty training 2 yr old.

- Laundry at least once per week.

- Dry cleaning delivery and pick up

- Water plants and occasional weeding

- Weekly house cleaning to include bathrooms, kid’s room, kitchen, dusting, clean fan blades, and occasional window washing.

- Create and adjust appropriate disciplinary action and reward system for children. Consult other parents and research books as needed.

- Maintain correspondence w/families including but not limited to sending updated family photos, special occasion cards and presents, Christmas cards and presents.

- Must be responsible for all paperwork/forms that enter the household.

- Coordinate activities such as birthday parties, vacations and family excursions.

- Occasional home decorating and remodeling projects

- Cleaning and disinfecting of biohazardous accidents such as vomit and diarrhea.

- Coordinate necessary doctor appointments and prescription refills.

 

BUSINESS

- Maintain QuickBooks accounting system for husband’s business

- Prepare monthly and yearly Profit and Loss statements

- Prepare and send payments for monthly GE taxes, quarterly estimated state and federal taxes, monthly IRS payments for previous year.

- Keep organized records and receipts of all business expenses per month

- Consolidate yearly sales income, business expense and tax payments for CPA during tax season

- Maintain office and cleaning supplies

- Prepare, update and print business menus, business cards, print ads and flyers (some graphic design skills necessary).

 

MISCELANEOUS DUTIES

- Provide blowjobs on demand, at least 3 to 4 times per week.

- Sex, in various positions, on as needed basis.

- Must maintain fit/attractive appearance. However, you must not be offended if husband chooses porn over you.

- Must be able to maintain sense of humor and pleasant disposition at all times.

 

Compensation

 

- You might receive an occasional “thanks”

- Usually at least 4 hrs uninterrupted sleep at night.

- Unlimited shopping with remainder of budget, which after all expenses including eating out once and awhile because you’re too damn tired to cook, leaves you with about negative $300.

- However, don’t worry about not being able to afford new clothes and accessories as you will not be going anywhere worth dressing up for.

- You are entitled to one night out per month with approved friends (if you have any), as long as you are home by 11pm and it does not interfere with anyone else’s needs.

 

Please be advised that there will be NO TRAINING provided. If you don’t know it, figure it out. There will be no vacations, no 401K, and you are expected to reasonably perform duties even while sick. There is no opportunity for advancement. This is a 24 hours per day, 7 days a week job.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Amusing yes, depressing no... How many men and women wished the REALLY new what they were in for before they got married? He is putting it right out there what he wants and what the person is getting. Now if a woman is willing to take that job opportunity, that's all on her.

 

This guy nailed a lot of marriages right on the head. Maybe I should put out an add for a wife one day.

 

 

DNR

[Milan721]

Amusing yes, depressing no... How many men and women wished the REALLY new what they were in for before they got married? He is putting it right out there what he wants and what the person is getting. Now if a woman is willing to take that job opportunity, that's all on her.

 

This guy nailed a lot of marriages right on the head. Maybe I should put out an add for a wife one day.

 

 

DNR

 

You're right. We'd all save a lot of legal fees if we had known upfront the life-long job we were signing up for! Of course, I don't think many people would honestly want to get married if they really knew what went into it!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

You're right. We'd all save a lot of legal fees if we had known upfront the life-long job we were signing up for! Of course, I don't think many people would honestly want to get married if they really knew what went into it!

 

You know what, you may be right. I guess I'll scratch out putting up a wife offer on Craigslist.

[lovestruck818]

Amusing yes, depressing no... How many men and women wished the REALLY new what they were in for before they got married? He is putting it right out there what he wants and what the person is getting. Now if a woman is willing to take that job opportunity, that's all on her.

 

This guy nailed a lot of marriages right on the head. Maybe I should put out an add for a wife one day.

 

 

DNR

 

Heyyy!!! I said I was going to propose to you...give it time, I'm nervous!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Heyyy!!! I said I was going to propose to you...give it time, I'm nervous!

 

But if feels like your keeping me dangling on a fishhook. When are you going to real me in?

 

Oh. Before you do that... Indeed to see your husband qualifications to make sure my resume and skills match what your looking for... I would not want to be one of the statistics of being a divorcee.

[luna3]

this was obviously written as satire, by a woman who is currently experiencing it.

[Milan721]

You know what, you may be right. I guess I'll scratch out putting up a wife offer on Craigslist.

 

Ah, you never know! There are some women in poor countries who would love an opportunity like the ad posted if it meant they were given a roof over their head.

 

Mild slavery is not so bad compared to sleeping in dirt and eating rats.

[Milan721]

this was obviously written as satire, by a woman who is currently experiencing it.

 

How kind of her to prepare the way for the woman who comes after her! If I had a note like that from the ex, I would have ran away screaming!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Heyyy!!! I said I was going to propose to you...give it time, I'm nervous!

 

But if feels like your keeping me dangling on a fishhook. When are you going to real me in?

 

Oh. Before you do that... Indeed to see your husband qualifications to make sure my resume and skills match what your looking for... I would not want to be one of the statistics of being a divorcee.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Ah, you never know! There are some women in poor countries who would love an opportunity like the ad posted if it meant they were given a roof over their head.

 

Mild slavery is not so bad compared to sleeping in dirt and eating rats.

 

Wow. Mild slavery? Now I might have to scratch getting married altogether.

 

 

DNR

[redfathom]

Funny...I just posted in the marriage section about not wanting kids while my husband does. I think I share this with him the next time he asks me why, or suggests that I will change my mind.

[Milan721]

Funny...I just posted in the marriage section about not wanting kids while my husband does. I think I share this with him the next time he asks me why, or suggests that I will change my mind.

 

Good idea!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding to not have kids. Or at least, lay it all out on the table and know upfront who will be responsible for what. People assume babies bring all happiness and love to a family. While this is usually true, it also brings to light a lot of things you never knew about your partner! For instance, the fact that he might expect you to do absolutely all of the child rearing by yourself.

[redfathom]

Well, as the wife, I already do a lot of the stuff on the list in the first post. Add a child and I would most likley do all of that stuff too. I like kids, I just don't want to be a mom because I know what it would mean and at this time in my life I am ready or willing to make the sacrafices I would have to.

 

I know it's not all sacrafices and that it's a very rewarding job, it's just not for me at this time in my life and that list just further solidifes my descision.

[Lookingforward]

You know what, you may be right. I guess I'll scratch out putting up a wife offer on Craigslist.

 

maybe instead of an ad for what you seek in a wife you should place an ad listing what YOU will bring the table so to speak.........

[Touche]

Love it, Milan.

 

I can SO relate to so much of it.

 

And guess what? I wouldn't change a thing!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

maybe instead of an ad for what you seek in a wife you should place an ad listing what YOU will bring the table so to speak.........

 

Oh... All my women know upfront what I am bringing. I hate wasting my time with women that I am not going nowhere with. But, just like I put my cards on the table, a woman better be putting her's. Especially now that I am 38. I don't have room for dating a lot of women to see who works best for me.

 

 

DNR

[ladyintights]

yes, women are expected to be superwomen this day. hell indeed