ImLost07 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Ok so right now Im pretty much devestated and at the same time relieved. Heres my story: Ryan and I dated for about 2 years. All of those two years were long distance. We waited untill about a year to say I love you, etc etc. I moved home from college for the summer and although still a LDR we were about 1 hr and a half away. Things were great this summer. But at the same time things were rocky because I think we were getting tired of the long distance. However it was the most time we had ever spent together. About once a month for the last 3 months ryan and I would have a actual argument. It was always about how he was tired of something bad always happening. "Things will be going so great and then WHAM something bad happens and it keeps happening over and over again" I figured he was unhappy. And he was. these things that kept happening were me making problems out of nowhere. i knew i could fix them, but i decided not to. I didnt care enough about the relationship. And ultimately Ive created my own heart ache because almost two weeks ago.. Ryan left me. Now as Im crying while writting this, i dont entirely blame myself. Ryan graduated college last year and since then hasnt been able to let go. he has a ****ty job and can barely keep his head above water. almost everything i did made him frustrated to where he would say again that he was unhappy. I never took him seriously. Untill now. Now on my end of things, Ryan had me at hello. But he never really ever HAD me. and he admitted that I never really had him either. We both didnt open up the way we should have, And although we both loved eachother, we rarely got the "in love" feeling. I constantly pushed him away, never told him how i really felt and i consistantly lied to myself about what i wanted, and what i needed to do. I havent been single since I was 15 and although I desperately wanted ryan, i knew I needed to be single and date other people while away in school. i have no idea who I am and I have never really been alone. ryan was always my emotional support, now i have none. So im forced to learn how to be alone with me. I always felt when I was around ryan that he brought calmness to my life, and he made me feel great. but at the same time he didnt. He never seemed excited to see me or hear from me.. kind of like i was just there. But he would tell me the opposite (and he was honest about it). I feel like I played so many games with his head and pushed him away. When we broke up, i came clean to being immature and acting like a little kid around him, creating problems that werent there, and pushing him away. I have never ever seen ryan cry. And he did.. I said i was sorry and he said he thought i needed to be with somebody else because we just dont fit and our relationship has been an uphill battle. Its both of our faults. He said whenever he got the in love feeling with me, something would happen or i would force him into it. Once we said goodbye I left feeling good about our decision. It was a mutual breakup. however we have the same friends, and last saturday we ran into eachother on this river float thing. I couldnt handle it so I got wasted. and I dont even remember doing this but I was apparently calling him names. I took him aside and apologized. and he was all "this is why were not together!" blah blah blah, then we started to talk and I cried and he was telling me how we just dont work right now and things will be ok. He also said he was so proud of me for telling him how I really felt, etc. i just kept crying and he held me the whole time. I asked him if he was ok and he told me that he hides his emotions better, but hes not fine.. he told me it was hard to take my pictures down and how he thought about me right before he went to sleep at night. Then he mentioned how this is up to me which I have no idea what that means or if i heard it correctly. I dont remember all of that conversation.. but I do know that right now.. I feel awful. I dont want him back because I know that its right, but i always had a gut feeling that he was going to be the guy I marry eventually. We havent spoken since, and I have a feeling that we wont anytime soon.
Author ImLost07 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Some input or suggestions would help me out here..
Beaches Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Ok first off the one thing that jumped into my head when I was reading was..if you're not "in love" with this guy why think you're going to marry him??? Sometimes when you're with someone for so long you get "use to them" and don't realize how dependant you were of them. You're still young and once you turn your head and look the other way and move on you'll see the difference. You need to grow as a person and learn when to say goodbye. Keeping him around just for you sake is not good for him either and you're only confusing him. The whole back and forth, to me if it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work the other 20 times. You need to just let go be mature about it and move on. If you're you know you're not in love with him than why cry and feel bad? Be glad that you expressed how you felt and you weren't lying to him anymore, because basically that's what you were doing..lying to him and to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do and trust me...there will be plenty of heartaches later on in life. But once you figure out what you want in a person, your relationships will get better. Hope this helps. Oh and PS...try not to make your post so long, people might not take the time to read because it's so long
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