Reasons why now is better than later

[wildsoul]

For the record, I didn't want to break up with my boyfriend last weekend. I had to. My head was giving me reasons as to why, but my heart was resisting. Emotionally I didn't feel ready, yet my head was more practical:

 

1. Only I could enforce my own boundary.

On June 8th we had reconciled after a break. I was strong then and clearly told him that the fact he is dating must be all above board if he wanted to date me. He agreed, but when his wife lost her job, he stopped progress while continuing to date me. He had interest in letting that slide for longer. Only I had an interest in keeping the boundary, and the longer I let it slide the more toothless my boundary became.

 

2. No amount of love can fix it, only a change in action can fix it.

In the time that we got back together, based on my trust that his availabillity was actually changing, I fell MORE in love. I thought I was getting what I wanted: an above board relationship. As my trust deepened (prematurely, mind you) the love grew. It was so great! And while I'm tempted to say it was worth it, the futility still trumped the feelings in the end.

 

3. I still have support of my friends.

I've known him since January. Admittedly, I have fibbed a little bit to my friends, but have mostly tried to be honest so that I'd have them as support if my relationship crashed. But I'm also aware that one can't burn their friends out. They know about the last break up and my reconcilliation. They've all been extremely supportive this week, because I am in fact doing the right thing. But if I screw up again, they're going to be annoyed and unsympathetic. So better to exit now while I've got a team who still believe in me.

 

4. The holiday season is coming up sooner than you think

I've never been a OW before, but the holiday's must be depressing. I already know my guy's wife & family celebrate every holiday. As it was this year, he couldn't be with me on Valentines day (he spent 4 days with me the following weekend, so I got more time than the W, but it was still pathetic to be home alone.) I just couldn't take being the OW through Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Years. As it is, I've got no family besides my brother. But also, my violent dad beat the crap out of us and abandoned the family on Xmas eve when I was a teen. It took me decades to learn to enjoy Xmas instead of feeling suicidal. Do I want to regress to that abandoned abused alone girl this holiday? NO. I was all alone last Xmas eve, because I was a single woman (my friends all had other plans.) But it would feel much worse to be alone because I am an OW. No, no, no!

 

5. It's still summer. Maybe I can find some joy in it still.

I'm not ready to date, but why not take advantage of all the extra sunlight? I can more easily start up an outdoor exercise program. There are lots of things to do. Fall is my favorite time of year, but it seems so much smarter to go through my grieving process before its dark and everyone starts hibernating. And besides, it is conceivable that I could heal up and start dating again by end of Sept while it's still nice out.

 

 

Why am I writing this?

 

Partly because I am still bolstering up my resolve.

Partly because I hope that someone else might get something from it.

Partly because I'd like to hear your reasons too. I still need to add more reasons to my list! Need to keep strong.

[whichwayisup]

still need to add more reasons to my list!

 

Here's one to think about..

 

What if he had an accident or something, ended up in the hospital. You wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.

[wildsoul]

Here's one to think about..

 

What if he had an accident or something, ended up in the hospital. You wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.

YES YES YES.

 

Actually, that one came up last week. He has a sport that he does and he sustained a small injury. He called me from his cell phone. At first, I was flattered that I was the FIRST one he called. But then I got upset, realizing if something serious happened where he was dead or incapacitated, I wouldn't know. I'd probably think he'd abandoned me.

 

I brought this concern up to him and he dismissed me as being dramatic, but it's a true and VALID point. Thank you for bringing it up in the thread!

[astra77]

Here's one to think about..

 

What if he had an accident or something, ended up in the hospital. You wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.

 

This scenario had crossed my mind days before i ended my A and was one of the MANY reasons why I ended it. This "thought" was enough to make me realise that the A was a dead end street, there was no way forward, but also no turning back.

 

I realised i was a supporting actress in this guys life, he "needed" me to help him get through the daily grind of his M. I realised that is how he saw me and that nothing would ever change. In my break up email, I told him that I would not be the 3rd person supporting his M, and that if he married the wrong person he had two choices, go get M counselling or leave her, because things were not going to continue the way they were at my expense. He got the good end of the stick while i copped the bad end.