should i take a break? unsure and sad

[mytruelove]

hi all, thanks to all that know my situation, but if not, please read some of my other threads.

 

lately, i am getting frustrated and impatient. since we had sex things have been up and down. sometimes he is there, sometimes he is not. sometimes he picks up the phone, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he responds to e-mails, sometimes he doesn't.

 

seems he has been more distant since we had sex, but things have not been awkward when we are together, for the most part they are okay and i am sooo happy when i am with him.

 

he admitted that i melted his heart and that he is scared because of past bad relationships. he really seems to have feelings for me, but....

 

then not responding or picking up phone and just the general lack of time. he does have two kids and of course, his girlfriend is another factor, and he has been busy with work, and he has been sick and had a lot of catching up to do. i'm not making excuses because i know when you care about someone you can make time. i thought we were going to get this last week, but it didn't turn out that way. i saw him, but others were around and then he had to leave.

 

i have stated to him that i would really like it if he could make 50% of the effort and he steps it up for a little bit then not. he said maybe next week we could have some quality time (but i now have things to do on the day he is available) i have told him in an email that i feel like he is answering the phone less.

 

as you know, i made the decision not to have sex again with him until the girlfriend is out of the picture, which i have stuck with, but he has wanted it since. he goes hot and cold.

 

i guess the main point of this is that i am getting very frustrated and impatient with the situation. i want to be able to have a normal relationship with him. i feel like i make all the effort and it is exhausting. it does not make me feel good about myself and is not good for my self esteem. it is just the way our relationship has went.

 

i really don't want to lose him because there really is something very special there and i love him. i basically gave him my heart on a sleeve and the truth is i could go on with my life, but will always be lonely if he is not part of it.

 

i'm afraid to tell him i need to take a break and risk losing our relationship. i'm afraid that if i tell him that i will not call him or email and leave it up to him if he wants to see or talk to me, but i am not feeling like i have much choice here.

 

he has the potential to hurt me like no other. he has been extremely patient with me leaving my marriage and i guess i owe him the same, but i really don't want to ruin this relationship and i just feel like i gave too much too soon and now can't take it back

 

any support or advice is appreciated. thanks.

[carhill]

Yes, I would start NC. If you need support from others on that path, join us

 

Tell him you want some quiet time to resolve your feelings and wish for him to do the same. Considering the totality of the situation, I think that is reasonable.

 

As I said prior, if the connection you share is true, it will stand the test of time and you will find equality of emotion. The time spent apart will clarify that, IMO.

 

Best wishes!

[wildsoul]

Hi there. I'm new here too. Broke up with my guy a week ago, put in NC just last night.

 

I know it seems like if he started giving you 50% effort that you'd be happy. But even if he DID, you probably won't be happy for long. Do you know what I mean?

 

My guy gave me almost ALL of his time. Lots and lots of effort on his part. But at the end of the day, that's not enough to compensate for the fact that I want a full relationship. I don't want to share. Can't. Don't have the personality for polyamory or whatever you want to call it.

 

More time will feel good at first, but you'll just fall more in love. It will just feel like a bigger betrayal when you realize you *almost* have him, but not really.

 

So my advice for you is to accept the futility now. I haven't read your other posts yet, so don't know how long you've been invested. For me, it's been 6 months. All the love we had, which was a LOT, wasn't enough to conquer the inherant futility of him not being fully separated and fully mine.

 

"Cut your losses" sounds more callous than I mean it to. But if you're wanting a full relationship, then you need to wait until his out of his other one. There's plenty of room in the NC club if you want to join. *pulls over a chair*

[mytruelove]

the support of just these two responses touches me already.

 

i have 10 years now of friendship with him. when it because clear a year ago that my marriage was over. i told him how i really felt and he returned the feelings. it was love at first sight. all my family and friends everyone could see that. instant chemistry....but timing has always been an issue for us, was was married, then i was married, then a year ago when i told him how i felt he had a girlfriend and me struggling to get out of a very bad marriage. so,....

 

we fought the urge to take it further than major flirting, hugs, kisses, touching, phone calls, and emails for a year, and end of june finally couldn't wait any longer... both very scared things would change between us, but not wanting them too.

 

it will really hurt if we lose what we have.

[wildsoul]

it will really hurt if we lose what we have.

Yes, it will. But what you actually have includes a triangulated relationship.

 

Like you, I tended to measure the relationship by all the good 1-on-1 things. But at the end of the day, the facts remained. He wasn't free.

• No matter what he said about his feelings to me.
  
• No matter about my feelings for him.
  
• No matter how much he demonstrated his devotion to me.
  
• No matter that he promised it was changing.
  

At least your guy isn't married! He doesn't have to go through a divorce, so if he really wants to be with you, it can happen faster. But like a lot of people here say, what incentive would he have to break up with her, as long as you're willing to date him simultaneously? I see more hope for you than in mine. But the impetous for change is on you, not him. Yanno?

[mytruelove]

thanks for giving me a ray of hope.

 

your right what incentive does he have if i am still willing to be with him when he is still with her?

 

we have done the break thing before and have always come out much stronger than before. although, we are much more involved now. it would just kill me if we didn't have anything to talk about after that time or it was awkward.

 

one time i messed up bad. i had decided to give my marriage one more try and this hurt him badly. he told me he needed a month break. that was the worst hardest month of my life, but i honored his request. i apologized till i was blue in the face and luckily he forgave me. it was in that moment that i decided that i would never hurt him again. my love for him is unconditional and i commited to him and gave him my heart.

 

it is easier for him to leave not being married. they have broken up several times. she lives with him and has kids to another marriage involved as does he. so, i've jumped for him...he needs to jump for me.

[GreenEyedLady]

OP:

 

Are you divorced? (Doesn't sound like it from your other posts.) Maybe he thinks you'll go back to your H, again.

 

It sounds like a pretty one sided R from here and a habit. You have problems with your H, you turn to him.

 

If your needs aren't being met, then break it off.

 

Good luck whatever you do.

 

GEL

[mytruelove]

you make some very good points and i've thought about them all night.

 

yes, unfortunately, right now i'm legally still married, but that is truly all it is. we are just waiting for the house to sell and then i can officially go forward with the rest. it is on the market and has been for a couple of months.

 

i know the "habit" you are talking about. i've had that with others, not with this guy. i make a point not to discuss any problems with my soon to be ex with him specifically because i want our relationship to be about us and noone else. i know that i cannot and will not use him as my crutch.

 

i'm sure you are right and me going back is a fear of his and i think i am going to have to make a point of making sure he knows that this will not happen and that my heart is completely his and he has nothing to fear.

 

thank you so much for your insight. you've given me a lot to think about and a lot to go on.

 

thank you

[mytruelove]

i really don't know if i am strong enough to go nc. i am definitely going to try and pull back some.

 

i just can't imagine this guy not being part of my life. truth is, without him in my life i will always be lonely. i could move on, but don't see me being able to fully give myself to someone else...if that makes sense.

 

i did okay this weekend. it was kinda frustrating. i sent him an email saying that i needed to talk-nothing. he lives close to where i'm at, so i see him out, want to stop, but don't, just drive by.

 

i saw a lot of movies this weekend and got stuff done around the house just trying to work on me and take time for myself, so i feel somewhat refreshed.

 

i want to call him today, but won't until tomorrow.

[Meaplus3]

hi all, thanks to all that know my situation, but if not, please read some of my other threads.

 

lately, i am getting frustrated and impatient. since we had sex things have been up and down. sometimes he is there, sometimes he is not. sometimes he picks up the phone, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he responds to e-mails, sometimes he doesn't.

 

seems he has been more distant since we had sex, but things have not been awkward when we are together, for the most part they are okay and i am sooo happy when i am with him.

 

he admitted that i melted his heart and that he is scared because of past bad relationships. he really seems to have feelings for me, but....

 

then not responding or picking up phone and just the general lack of time. he does have two kids and of course, his girlfriend is another factor, and he has been busy with work, and he has been sick and had a lot of catching up to do. i'm not making excuses because i know when you care about someone you can make time. i thought we were going to get this last week, but it didn't turn out that way. i saw him, but others were around and then he had to leave.

 

i have stated to him that i would really like it if he could make 50% of the effort and he steps it up for a little bit then not. he said maybe next week we could have some quality time (but i now have things to do on the day he is available) i have told him in an email that i feel like he is answering the phone less.

 

as you know, i made the decision not to have sex again with him until the girlfriend is out of the picture, which i have stuck with, but he has wanted it since. he goes hot and cold.

 

i guess the main point of this is that i am getting very frustrated and impatient with the situation. i want to be able to have a normal relationship with him. i feel like i make all the effort and it is exhausting. it does not make me feel good about myself and is not good for my self esteem. it is just the way our relationship has went.

 

i really don't want to lose him because there really is something very special there and i love him. i basically gave him my heart on a sleeve and the truth is i could go on with my life, but will always be lonely if he is not part of it.

 

i'm afraid to tell him i need to take a break and risk losing our relationship. i'm afraid that if i tell him that i will not call him or email and leave it up to him if he wants to see or talk to me, but i am not feeling like i have much choice here.

 

he has the potential to hurt me like no other. he has been extremely patient with me leaving my marriage and i guess i owe him the same, but i really don't want to ruin this relationship and i just feel like i gave too much too soon and now can't take it back

 

any support or advice is appreciated. thanks.

 

I think you really need to make him understand that you do not wish to be second fiddle here. As long as he knows you are willing to stick around even though he has a GF.. then he has no reason to change the situation. He will contiune to "Have his cake and eat it too". Keep reading and posting here.. you have come to the right place for support. Best wishes. Hugs.

 

AP:)

[mytruelove]

yes, i know your right.

 

funny, we had the being second discussion already. he has two daughters and i told him that i want to be third-his kids always before me...i can handle all his baggage, but not the current girlfriend.

[mytruelove]

i think we found a way to connect again over some common interest and just by me giving it some breathing room. i had told him earlier in the day that i had plans with friends after work, but i would call him after. he called me instead later and i could tell he was waiting for me and wanting me to come be with him...he said he was hoping i would have come sooner so we could have more time than we did.

 

things were as they were before we had sex. he asked for it and we did the things we are both comfortable with..., but i did not go past that...even though he wanted to.

 

the time we had together yesterday was sweet. i didn't want to stop kissing him. we have great chemistry and a great connection. he asked me what I wanted. i didn't want to go into it last night, but hopefully we are going to find some real time to talk about it soon.

 

yes, i want more. i want a real relationship with him. i do recognize that. i want it to happen naturally though. i want him to come to his own conclusions about leaving the g/f. yes, my patience is wearing and it is frustrating and not easy and in many ways i am tired of waiting.

 

funny, i'm not used to anyone being concerned about what i want...so, i don't know how to react to that.

 

honestly, i don't know that i can take a break from him...maybe just give it a little more breathing room. i am being more guarded because this man has the potential to hurt me more than any other has. he means too much to me to let him go completely ever i think. i can move on with my life and if we end up not being together i will be with someone else, but truthfullly, i will always be lonely without him and it will hurt like crazy. he has a part of my heart that doesn't belong to anyone else and never will. i can't imagine him not being in my life some way.

[Meaplus3]

i think we found a way to connect again over some common interest and just by me giving it some breathing room. i had told him earlier in the day that i had plans with friends after work, but i would call him after. he called me instead later and i could tell he was waiting for me and wanting me to come be with him...he said he was hoping i would have come sooner so we could have more time than we did.

 

things were as they were before we had sex. he asked for it and we did the things we are both comfortable with..., but i did not go past that...even though he wanted to.

 

the time we had together yesterday was sweet. i didn't want to stop kissing him. we have great chemistry and a great connection. he asked me what I wanted. i didn't want to go into it last night, but hopefully we are going to find some real time to talk about it soon.

 

yes, i want more. i want a real relationship with him. i do recognize that. i want it to happen naturally though. i want him to come to his own conclusions about leaving the g/f. yes, my patience is wearing and it is frustrating and not easy and in many ways i am tired of waiting.

 

funny, i'm not used to anyone being concerned about what i want...so, i don't know how to react to that.

 

honestly, i don't know that i can take a break from him...maybe just give it a little more breathing room. i am being more guarded because this man has the potential to hurt me more than any other has. he means too much to me to let him go completely ever i think. i can move on with my life and if we end up not being together i will be with someone else, but truthfullly, i will always be lonely without him and it will hurt like crazy. he has a part of my heart that doesn't belong to anyone else and never will. i can't imagine him not being in my life some way.

 

funny, i'm not used to anyone being concerned about what i want...so, i don't know how to react to that

 

 

If he was concerned about what YOU want then he would not be with his GF.. he would be with you. Think about all the time and effort you could waste here if he is not willing to choose you. You deserve to be number #1 and should never settle for second.

 

AP:)

[me003]

Right now I think you need to take care of selling your house, and getting your things straighten out before you can think of anything or anyone else.

[mytruelove]

mea, thank you, you are very sweet. yea, well,... i told him actually i want to be #3 in his life. i know the struggle he's had with his girls (kids) and they will always come before me.

 

me, someone is coming to look at my house so hopefully it will be sold and your right...i do need to focus on that.

 

thank you !!!

[mytruelove]

it's such a rollercoaster isn't it? definitely not for the faint of heart. it is the not knowing everyday.... not knowing what the outcome will be...will he leave her or won't he... my heart tells me he will, my brain tells me be careful.

 

i was talking to him today and i told him he has nothing to fear with me. he fears everything, but truth is, he has nothing to fear and i have everything to fear.

 

like he said today "one more day"... that's what i keep telling myself everyday...one more day...that's what i hang onto...faith it will all work out and i will finally be happy.

 

i am happier with him than i have ever been. truthfully, when i told him how i felt i really didn't expect anything to come of it, so i feel like i've gotten more than i ever imagined possible already. i am more myself with him than anyone...i am more vulnerable with him than anyone and that is scary.

[honour and trust]

Its been extremely helpful to read of this situation. I too am/have been in something similar. Everyday I hurt! I can't believe I would engage in something so painful to myself. Love has crazy effects on people. Like you I hope that there is a ray of sunshine for those men who are capable of being better but they've been awful (cheating & lying). I'm on the same team you are cheering for, hoping that after bad situations, two people whom love each other can come together and have some sort of successful relationship. But I've been told I'm extremely optimistic and not a realist.

[mytruelove]

it is so nice to know there is someone else that feels like i do.

 

i really do miss my guy on the weekend, but i can see things happening and moving forward and i got good news this weekend, so i'm hopeful.

 

i'd love to hear more about your situation. you really do sound a lot like me.

 

hoping for the best for both of us.

 

how's it going?

[honour and trust]

Hi Mytruelove- My situation is actually under Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy, once a dog always a dog. Everyday is a struggle with my guy. I want to leave him alone on some days because in the long run it might be the best decision but then other days I'm so crazy in love that I'm okay with hanging in there and live by the "whatever happens, happens" policy. It may not be the best way to go about things but i'm lost, confused, and struggling to stick with a decision. Atleast we're (my guy, me, and the ex) are all single meaning not married so it makes things a little less complicated. Still hurts nonetheless. Let me know what you think of my mess of a situation I'm in.

[mytruelove]

i read your posts and WOW!!! you and i really do sound alike and we are in the same place. hopefully we can help each other through it.

 

what i'm trying to do as much as i can is to keep myself busy with other things. i'm in no way doing no contact, but i am trying to keep options open and not close myself off to the world and other prospects for happiness. i'm trying to let it breathe a little bit if that makes sense.

 

the saying "don't put all your eggs in one basket" definitely comes to mind for you. i would definitely be seeing other guys.

 

does he make you happy? that's the question. i know i'm totally completely happy when i'm with my guy...but, there is a void when i'm not. when i'm not, the should i call him, should i email, and not being with him is a lot. when he doesn't respond, i get hurt. i get frustrated and impatient.

 

like you, the chemisty is off the charts and when i'm with him i'm so totally "in love" ...we are soo very good and right for each other...that i really don't care about anything else but being with him and i'm happy just being with him, but i also know i want more.

 

like you, i've been there for him though everything. the questions is, is your guy there for you-does he return the favor? does he make an effort to be there for you? this is what i am looking at.

 

i'll pm you with some really good stuff i've read when i get pm rights. do you have them?

 

how's your day going?

[honour and trust]

I don't have PM rights yet...I just joined last week so I don't know when it will happen. I'd really like the opportunity to speak with you further. It's really nice to hear things from those who have experienced or are going through the same things as myself. My guy is attentive and supportive when I allow him to be. I tend to keep problems and issues to myself, not rely on anyone for help. I have been going through some things personally and with my job and he's been great at consoling and such. He keeps my extremely happy but when I get concerned about his ex things go awry. I could get in to more detail about when he starts slacking and when we're doing good. I just want to know if he really loves me, if he really even wants me or am I an ego-booster? Today is a good day---yourself?

[honour and trust]

I've decided to focus on me. Date around and go out and enjoy life. I don't plan on leaving him alone but what boundaries are neccessary at this point to either move on or maybe establish a strong friendship/relationship with a lover? Maybe I should post this question on a seperate thread.

[mytruelove]

hi honour, that's a great question!!! what boundaries to keep the relationship/friendship...

 

i am waffling on this right now myself. it's been a progression with us. we haven't done anything till we felt we were really ready, very slow process if you read my other post. recently, we have esculated things and crossed the no-sex boundary and had sex, just could not fight it any longer. this happened one time and although it was amazing felt natural and right (did everything else before if you know what i mean and have since), i was left with the OMG maybe i gave too much too soon feeling and him leaving after.

 

we were both so worried about this changing things and he kept asking if i was "okay". it was a little rough after, but we seem to have worked through it. i think because we promised each other that we would and we have been commited to keeping the friendship AT ALL COST.

 

i have to be honest with myself and i'm not "okay" with having sex with him and sending him home to someone else. it hurts way too much to love him like i do and it be that way. so, i said i would not have sex with him again until he broke it off with the other woman and he could take me home. BUT....

 

when we're together, we can't keep our hands off each other. we're like starved animals and he wants sex as do i, so a BIG part of me is saying to go ahead if it feels right... to just give into the feelings and the moment and trust.

 

i'm trying to stay strong.

 

i think you have to have a paid membership for pm rights. glad your day is okay today- mine is pretty good too.