beachbaby Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I am new here so bear with me. Been reading for a while and decided to post. Not unlike most here, my marriage is in tough times right now. We have been married for 12 years and the last 4 or 5 have been quiet a ride. We have both made mistakes which as made our trust in each other rocky. That has lead to the basic scenerio of us not having the connection we should. I believe he is either into some porn or maybe even an affair. I am not sure which and it doesn't really matter because after all we have been through, either would be the final blow to our marriage. I am torn with what to do. I am unhappy and he has got to be. We have talked to try to fix things but I still feel he is hiding something. He pressures me about sex and has suddenly become almost vulgar in the things he says when talking to me about sex. It is a big turn off to me and it irritates him that I don't respond as he would like. I talk and he does but it doesn't seem to be working. We have even seen a MC. We have 2 kids and I hate to tear up our home. Its just a hard time now. Any help?
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I guess the big question here is, are y'all STILL getting counseling, both as a couple as well as individually? That could be the deciding factor on how to handle this new stress ... and help you figure out why he's behaving like a young thug out for his first sexual experience!
Author beachbaby Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 We havent been since last year and even then I was the one going more than him. He doesn't think they help. Bottem line is right now I feel he wants someone in the bedroom that I am not and never will be. And I guess after all the lies we have just been through(he was hiding money we recieved) I am tired of the battle and unsure what way to go.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 The most important thing MC taught me is how to listen and clearly hear. I've been at it about 10 months now and this is still a work in progress. Nothing of substance about a person (assuming substantive issues are the reason for the marital discord) changes easily or quickly. I still project way too much and form opinions and responses before clearly hearing and understanding. OP, IMO, the sex issue is just an excuse. Think about your relationship dynamic. Personally, if he refuses MC and/or makes little effort to validate you or conceptualize your perspective, I'd formulate an exit strategy. I know it's not easy. It's not easy even when you don't have children if you've been married a long time. Take each day one day at a time
Milan721 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Personally, if he refuses MC and/or makes little effort to validate you or conceptualize your perspective, I'd formulate an exit strategy. I know it's not easy. I AGREE! OP, I've gone through something similar to what you're going through. I'm also in the middle of formulating an "exit strategy". Sometimes you've just got to throw in the towel. Especially if, as you mentioned, you think he is unhappy as well. Separation might be the best thing for both of you and the children as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 We have both made mistakes which as made our trust in each other rocky. That has lead to the basic scenerio of us not having the connection we should. You elarorated on the reason you don't trust him (hiding money), but what reason would he have not to trust you ? Mr. Lucky
Author beachbaby Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Well my trust issues are recent money spending, hiding and stealing essentially(and not the first time in our marriage). I have also found pics on his phone that are shady to say the least. I am ashamed to admit that his trust issues with me are from an affair 3 years ago . I have done everything to make up for my mistake and still pay dearly for it everyday.
Desperado620 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I'm not going to say there's no hope, because there's always hope, it's a question of how hard y'all are BOTH willing to work to save your marriage. You've broken each other's trust, and that is a hard thing to earn back. Time and work are the only things that can fix that, I've learned the hard way. You said that he has been stealing and has naughty pics recently? There's no way to get trust rebuilt if it's constantly lost. It sounds to me like you're ready to throw in the towel. If he refuses professional help, does not acknowledge what's happening between you two, and his best answer is to use abusive language, well, sometimes there's not a lot you can do. Have you asked him why he feels a need to talk to you this way?
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I am not sure which and it doesn't really matter because after all we have been through, either would be the final blow to our marriage. I am ashamed to admit that his trust issues with me are from an affair 3 years ago . I have done everything to make up for my mistake and still pay dearly for it everyday. One test of one's role in a relationship is whether or not we are willing to cut our partner the same slack and grant the same forgiveness that we would ask for ourselves. So it's hard to understand why you think that your marriage could recover from your affair but any indiscretion - porn, infidelity, etc - on his part would be the "final blow" ? Mr. Lucky
Author beachbaby Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 One test of one's role in a relationship is whether or not we are willing to cut our partner the same slack and grant the same forgiveness that we would ask for ourselves. So it's hard to understand why you think that your marriage could recover from your affair but any indiscretion - porn, infidelity, etc - on his part would be the "final blow" ? Mr. Lucky Oh...I its not that this is our first and single issue. And I have over and over granted him the same forgiveness. And I don't live under a grand umbrella of forgiveness...he still checks up on me and I don't say a word because of my guilt for what I did. But I guess when trust just cannot be established its hard to move on and he gives me no reason to trust. I have made my life, since the affair, as transparent as i can so that he can trust me. He continues to lie even after we have promised the truth. I am depressed and not sure what else to do. You can only ask someone to be honest and expect it so many times. I haven't found the latest but I feel it.
Author beachbaby Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I'm not going to say there's no hope, because there's always hope, it's a question of how hard y'all are BOTH willing to work to save your marriage. You've broken each other's trust, and that is a hard thing to earn back. Time and work are the only things that can fix that, I've learned the hard way. You said that he has been stealing and has naughty pics recently? There's no way to get trust rebuilt if it's constantly lost. It sounds to me like you're ready to throw in the towel. If he refuses professional help, does not acknowledge what's happening between you two, and his best answer is to use abusive language, well, sometimes there's not a lot you can do. Have you asked him why he feels a need to talk to you this way? Sorry...just figured out how to quote to answer. Well I have told him my concerns for the sudden "language" and dirty pics. He just says that I don't seem interested in him and he is trying to spice it up with me. I am not interested in someone who talks that way. Told him so. Guess I need to say it a little louder. I am close to throwing in the towel...been a long couple of years and I am not sure that I can feel the same about him that I once did. That saddens me.
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