crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I've never been on one of these sites before, but I'm at a complete loss in my life. I've talked to my sister and a friend about my marriage, but I feel their opinions are biased. So any advice anyone can provide would be so greatly appreciated. I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for the last year. We always had a good relationship and really enjoyed sharing our lives together, until we tied the knot. We were going through some financial changes right before we got married and the stress of everything has weighed a toll on our relationship. A little background: My husband owned a mortgage company and a month before our wedding the mortgage industry came crashing down. We were scrambling around trying to pay for the wedding as well as all of our other financial obligations. The stress was OBSCENE! Needless to say we had a great wedding, but we've been trying to play financial catch up since then. The stress has created a huge rift between us. All he ever thinks about is the bills!! It's like he's constantly miserable. I understand the frustrations of financial difficulties but honestly we are way better off than most people. Back to my real story: Since then all we do is argue. If we aren't arguing then we're sitting in silence or just avoiding each other. We don't sleep in the same room anymore, we have no physical connection, and we're both unhappy. We have our moments of contentment but I don't think marriage is supposed to be like this. Perhaps I have a misconstrued perception of what marriage is like. Now, I'm at the point that I don't know if I want to continue living like this. I don't know what I would be fighting for if I stay and try to work things out. At the same time I find myself attracted to other men. I have never cheated on my husband and a year ago I would most definitely tell you I never will, but I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't want to live that life. I don't want to hide and lie and tell secrets...perhaps I just should have never gotten married. Any words of advice?
JackJack Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Would you both be willing to go to marriage counseling?
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I would, I don't think he would be up for it. I think neither one of has the balls to come out and say were unhappy in our marriage.
mark982 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 are you sure it's not just the present money problems? if you got along great until this happened, is it possible to "ride" this out? sounds to me like you just need more communication.
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 The timing is bad: your husband's industry free falls right before your marriage. Financial issues, perhaps more than sex, can cause marital divisions. It sounds like you guys are in some real bad patterns. If these destructive patterns continue, you'll be both be emotionally (and perhaps physically) checking out of your marriage. (Many disaffected spouses leave their marriages emotionally long before they physically separate). Technically, you're not newlyweds. You've been together for 7-8 years, and your H is mature enough to own a business. But age does not necessarily mean that you guys can break these damaging patterns. You've stopped talking, having sex and even sleeping together. Why remain married if that's your future? Who needs the misery? If MC is not tried in good faith, I'd exit.
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 You may be right about the financial situation. Things are slowly getting better in that department, but no change with us. He has this huge wall up. I try to talk to him and he will literally ignore anything I have to say. We have gotten to a point where we are just going through the motions. We're roommates. He won't even respond when I say I love you.
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You may be right about the financial situation. Things are slowly getting better in that department, but no change with us. He has this huge wall up. I try to talk to him and he will literally ignore anything I have to say. We have gotten to a point where we are just going through the motions. We're roommates. He won't even respond when I say I love you. He's blocking you out. He may have already checked out of the marriage. Can you get an intervention? Perhaps one of your H's family members can convince him to unblock you--at least long enough to attend MC, together. Otherwise, the prognosis is bad.
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I wouldn't be so blind if I was the only person he was holding at bay. I've talked to his mother about it as well. He won't even talk to her anymore and when they do he ends up yelling and hanging up. Side note: He has severe anxiety/panic disorder. I've withstood a lot dealing with his condition, but I do it because I love him. I just feel like I would be really selfish if I left. What if that's even a bigger mistake??? Why is life so damn confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Would you both be willing to go to marriage counseling? JackJack! You are THE MAN! Come on crossroads! You have the same old story posted many times here on LS! "I'm have marriage problems but won't see a counsler! I don't think he'd be up for it!" Well...ASK! This is the modern day age! Are you in the US or Europe! You think these MC's are no good?! Now that you complained, go DO SOMETHING REAL about it! Of course, hopefully you have money to afford it! There are options! Try looking! good luck!
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks for the kick in the ass Arise, it's definitely much needed. Now I just have to find the courage to say it and figure out how to pay for it.
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 CR, he may surprise you when you bring up marriage counselling. I know my husband dragged his feet about going to a weekend marriage retreat sponsored by my church, because he truly believed it would be about everyone picking on him for being a "bad" husband. When in reality, it was to help couples learn to better communicate! and that's all a good counselor will do, teach you how to communicate more effectively so y'all can figure out what direction to take. Together. on top of all the financial problems and the stuff that comes along with marriage, his a/p disorder is probably magnifying the "severity" of your situation, and he may not feel there's a way out or even know how to ask. Be gentle, but firmly supportive when you tell him that there's help available. most of all, be patient. Because it sounds like you've hit a fairly sizeable roadblock that can be navigated if you just keep hope alive. good luck, and def. keep us posted ~ we're rooting for you, girl!
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I wouldn't be so blind if I was the only person he was holding at bay. I've talked to his mother about it as well. He won't even talk to her anymore and when they do he ends up yelling and hanging up. Side note: He has severe anxiety/panic disorder. I've withstood a lot dealing with his condition, but I do it because I love him. I just feel like I would be really selfish if I left. What if that's even a bigger mistake??? Why is life so damn confusing!!!!!!!!!!!! Your H's mental health is not just a side note. The financial stress is exacerbating his mental/emotional impairments. My guess is that more than MC is in order. If your H is medicated, I recommend having him visit his PCP to recalibrate his meds. If he's not medicated, have him looked at. Once his emotional condition stabilizes, then try MC. Finally, you would not be "selfish" for leaving a dead marriage.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 OP, MC can help you. If you are of faith, your church likely can help you with free or ability-based counseling. The important function of MC, IMO, is to provide you clarity of yourself, your spouse and the M. As an example, you might think it's about financial stresses, but your reactions to those are merely a symptom of the real issues. Tell me, when H's business went in the toilet, did you feel your security was threatened? How did you communicate that to him? How had your communication about financial issues and goals been before this happened? I can tell you I see some of myself in your H, except for the walls (I'm very open about my faults and fears), but I detached emotionally from my M a couple years ago and see a lot of parallels. MC has helped me see my role in the M's degradation more clearly and also my unrealistic visions of what the M was prior. As I mentioned prior, clarity I'm still affectionate with my wife and try to overcome the emotional distance. Dealing with that (losing the love in that way) is a new experience for me. I hope you can find some peace. I empathize with your situation. It really sucks... Any kids?
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 OP, MC can help you. If you are of faith, your church likely can help you with free or ability-based counseling. The important function of MC, IMO, is to provide you clarity of yourself, your spouse and the M. As an example, you might think it's about financial stresses, but your reactions to those are merely a symptom of the real issues. Tell me, when H's business went in the toilet, did you feel your security was threatened? How did you communicate that to him? How had your communication about financial issues and goals been before this happened? I can tell you I see some of myself in your H, except for the walls (I'm very open about my faults and fears), but I detached emotionally from my M a couple years ago and see a lot of parallels. MC has helped me see my role in the M's degradation more clearly and also my unrealistic visions of what the M was prior. As I mentioned prior, clarity I'm still affectionate with my wife and try to overcome the emotional distance. Dealing with that (losing the love in that way) is a new experience for me. I hope you can find some peace. I empathize with your situation. It really sucks... Any kids? No kids, thankfully. I never thought our security was in jeopardy. I just knew we had to change our lifestyle a bit, so one vacation a year instead of three. It hit him harder because he feel like he failed. It's actually something my H, his therapist and I have talked about. The business collapsed because of the market not because of something he did. (Especially in Illinois the laws for mortgage brokers different than that of other states.) But I've always been very supportive. He is a very hard worker and determined. Even with that going on I never felt the anxiety.
Author crossroads2 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Just a note to all. I really do appreciate everyone's advice and perspective and I just wanted to say thank you. So, thank you!
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Side note: He has severe anxiety/panic disorder. How long has he had this and has he ever tried therapy for his anxiety disorder? Google cognitive behaviour therapy. This is what he needs to do so he can deal with whatever issues/fears going on causing the panic and anxiety attacks. His frame of mind is not the same as it was before. This disorder can really do a number! Trust me, I've been there and am much better since doing CBT.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 No kids, thankfully. I never thought our security was in jeopardy. I just knew we had to change our lifestyle a bit, so one vacation a year instead of three. It hit him harder because he feel like he failed. It's actually something my H, his therapist and I have talked about. The business collapsed because of the market not because of something he did. (Especially in Illinois the laws for mortgage brokers different than that of other states.) But I've always been very supportive. He is a very hard worker and determined. Even with that going on I never felt the anxiety. Thanks. This is what I was curious about - the way you communicated your trust and confidence in him, if that was the way you felt about the situation. Paraphrasing, you acknowledged that times were tough (I understand the mortgage brokering business pretty well so can empathize) but you were going to make it through together as a team. How did you reinforce that (or your iteration of it) perspective with him? Does he acknowledge that he has a behavioral/emotional disorder (GAD, I assume)? I developed situational GAD when caring for my mother and the behavioral therapy aspects of MC have really helped me with it. I still have situational outbreaks, but I now recognize them for what they are, instead of losing myself in them. Not perfect by any stretch, but working on it Admitting one has an issue that's harming their relationships is the first step... This is something H has to do for himself.
hotgurl Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 crossroads, When my BF was unemployed for 6 months it was the hardest time for us in our relationship. He became midly depressed and was very anxious so he was short tempered and withdrawn. I just learned how to handle him through this time and talked to him and was supportive when hew finally got a job things were so much better. It is hard to lose a job because you feel like a failure and that you have let you loved ones down. Plus money is a huge anxiety trigger for a lot of people.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 It is hard to lose a job because you feel like a failure and that you have let you loved ones down. Plus money is a huge anxiety trigger for a lot of people. Especially when it's not just a job but a business he owns. Crossroads2, I wonder if you understand the effect that his business struggles are having on him. Next to the death of a loved one, it's probably the toughest thing a person can go through. Besides one's own struggles, there's the feeling that you're also failing everyone else involved - spouse, employees, creditors, etc. It can be overwhelming. With your H retreated into his shell, it's up to you to take charge and be vocal about both the problems and the solutions. If your marriage is to be saved, it's going to have to be you that does it. Are you up to the task? Mr. Lucky
Drakakhan Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I also have problems handling my marriage. I am married to a dominant woman. I have a hard time putting up with her constant criticism and demands. As a result we argue a lot. I read somewhere that dominant people need to be challenged because otherwise they get bored. Nevertheless, apparently it seems also to be a bad idea to challenge them too much because my wife is talking about getting a divorce because all we do is argueing. Seems a catch 22 situation to me.
NewSunrise Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hey Crossroads2---hang in there. Been there with my exH. We were both in the mortgage industry---in the 80's! Finances is the top deal breaker in relationships next to sex. But it doesn't necessarily have to destroy a marriage. This is the toughest to overcome especially IF neither of you discussed it prior to marriage, ie. spending habits, individual debts/assets prior to marriage and how much of each of your pay check should be appropriated to joint accounts. If you are still gainly employed, full time, most medical insurance will cover counseling. Check your provider. I think 8 sessions is the max with $15-30 copay. If your counselor feels you two could use more, they'll submit request for authorization for additional 4-6 sessions. Communication is the key. No joke. If your H is the breadwinner and from "old school" with midwestern values, he's probably feeling pretty low and unsuccessful. Men in general want to feel as though they can take care of things. When I was in the mortgage industry (wholesale), one of our investors (big) killed himself and left behind a wife and two young children. Perhaps, try different approaches to get your H to open up without the pressure. Keep reminding him that the finances is a challenge to your marriage. Rather than offer what he can do, ASK him for help. You both know you need each other to work as a team more than ever. Your finances won't the first nor the last challenge you'll face as a couple. Part of the solution and finding one is READJUST your spending and maybe even take another/second job. Good luck.
NewSunrise Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I also have problems handling my marriage. I am married to a dominant woman. I have a hard time putting up with her constant criticism and demands. As a result we argue a lot. I read somewhere that dominant people need to be challenged because otherwise they get bored. Nevertheless, apparently it seems also to be a bad idea to challenge them too much because my wife is talking about getting a divorce because all we do is argueing. Seems a catch 22 situation to me. Ouch! Dominant, huh? Did you know that before you two got married? When a woman "carelessly" talks about getting a D, it usually means, they are in desperate need of a change in their relationship. Trust me, the last thing we want is to come across dominant, smothering and whatever you guys want to term it. Sometimes, what women such as your wife needs is a "challenge" without a man having to succumb or become submissive. Remember, we're still women. We still want the man to be "in charge" so to speak or at least "initiate". No different than you men loving the challenge or the "chase" when it came to courting us. In real life, humans are not great when communicating. No wonder counselors make money just so we all can learn how to communicate with each other. Best approach is ASK. The next time your W threatens the D word, ASK if that's what she wants. What have you got to lose? I'm betting she'll probably say..."well, no, but...." Next, she miggt give you a list of what she doesn't like in the marriage without really telling you you. She expects you to read her mind. (Good luck) Men does it, too. Next, she's going to want you to change. Oh boy. Yep, men does it too. If this is the case, then negotiate. If she wants you to....., then tell her what you would love for her to do and why. The problem with getting hitch is that expectations on ROI (return on investments) diminish. Couples become complacent. No more flowers. No more experiment sexual moves/position or cooking a cool dish together. No more doing things spontaneous. Pretty soon, you each know what's next (Yawn) and you two wonder secretly why you even got married in the first place. Hey, there's tax benefits to getting married. So, if you skip this lesson, chances are, you two will be facing it again either with each other or someone else. Life is like a boomerang. It'll keep coming back until you get it righ. Good luck.
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