UT_longhorn Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 So I've been seeing this girl for about 3 weeks now. We've hung out several times and every time its been fun. We were intimate about a week and a half into knowing each other. She initiates hanging by texting me and I ask her out once in a while as well. She always wants to hold my hands and has no problems showing her affection towards me. Now this past Wednesday she asks what I'm doing and she wants to hang out so she comes over...we have a good time and good conversation. Last night we go out together again and we have a great time. Now..at the end of the night she comes over and our convo gets a little more serious. She talked about her ex of 4 years who she broke up a year ago. It was a bad relationship that she left cause he was too demanding etc. So anyways...she told me that she is freaking out a bit because she's being caught up in these new strong emotions. She paralleled our situation to a Sex and the City episode where a girl is dating the guy and its going so perfect, so she tries looking for something wrong about the guy..and in the end the guy dumps her for being crazy. She said her emotions are too strong too quick and is a bit freaked out. Sso I asked her if she wanted to slow it down a little to which she nodded yes. Now from what I know of her so far...she seems like a honest up front girl and doesn't play games...but I'm confused. Can somebody please help me translate this woman speak???
imbewildered Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Can somebody please help me translate this woman speak??? AS the therapists say ," You can't make sense out of nonsense." The golden rule for men who are dealing with an unstable woman who is pulling away - pull back twice as far and say nothing. Forget all that "communication is key" crap. You cannot negotiate with someone who is pulling away from you. Maybe try this, She says," WE are going too fast- lets slow down " You say, " How slow?" She says, " 20 miles an hour instead of 100" YOu say. "I have a better idea, lets slow right down so I can get off" She will have a change of heart instantly.
KinAZ Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I've been in that situation before, so I think it's possible that she is being sincere. It can be pretty scary to feel so swept away so soon. In my case, when I explained that my feelings were a little too strong too soon and we should slow things down... the guy decided to tell me he felt the same way, and declare his love. :-/ That relationship crash landed just as fast as it got off the ground. Three months later, I met another one... very similar in intensity, but this time I tried to run for the hills. And no, I didn't look back when I finally got away, as the poster above wants to suggest. LOL, I was looking through a relationship book at a part that was talking about impatience. And while it's not exactly the same thing, it can be related. You know, when you can feeeeeel yourself starting to cling? Basically, the author is saying that impatience is often a... childhood response, or at least has very little to do with the matter at hand, but rather old issues. She might still be dealing with the "trauma" from that bad relationship. Not to say that she's not over him or it, but I'm speaking of those feelings that are left behind. And then, here comes mister wonderful in a situation that could be too good to be true, and you're ready to snatch him right up and stuff him in your pocket or something. You know? When I told that guy I mentioned above that I wanted to slow things down a bit, I didn't really want to go into hiding as I really loved being with him. I was just scared. And yeah, this guy... lol... I tried to find things wrong with him too. I didn't pick at him, just questions a lot of things to myself (and with friends). I think what I really needed from him was a little understand, insight, and support. Other than this, has her behavior changed at all?
Author UT_longhorn Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 no..her behavior remains the same. but then again she mentioned it just last night. i mean honestly at this point, all i can do is stand back a bit. ill be honest as i was a little freaked out myself as the relationship was progressing really fast and i did pick at her weaknesses a bit.
KinAZ Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Well, see how she acts towards you now. Don't pull back too much (unless her behavior changes) because she'll probably start to think you took offense or something. Sometimes, just because we want to slow things down doesn't mean we want them to cool off. We don't want that desire and such to just vanish, so try not to take it personally for now.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 As a woman, I can tell you we use the "we're going too fast" as a defense mechanism. It's not a game or a manipulative tactic, but inside she's feeling really torn up between getting attached or running away. No wonder you're scared at this point, because she's confusing the ***** out of you, and you don't understand how to approach her. The best thing is to take her seriously, and don't get attached yourself until she's ready. Be yourself, but don't be affected by her hold and cold status.
LionLover Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 As a woman, I can tell you when a guy says that to ME, it confuses me too so I totally know where your coming from. I mean, we all understand the general meaning behind it but "taking it slow" can be interpreted in so many ways and THAT’S where it gets confusing. Especially when they are with you in one aspect, but holding back in another. This happened to me recently. He didnt actually say "lets go slow" but he did say in a round about way, that he "doesnt want to jump into anything too quickly". That caused me to pull away, not on purpose, but because my gut response at that point was to withdrawal.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Someone who feels the need to "take things slow" doesn't like the person that much...
LionLover Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Someone who feels the need to "take things slow" doesn't like the person that much... No, that is not always the case.
Author UT_longhorn Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 This happened to me recently. He didnt actually say "lets go slow" but he did say in a round about way, that he "doesnt want to jump into anything too quickly". That caused me to pull away, not on purpose, but because my gut response at that point was to withdrawal. So then what happened?
LionLover Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 So then what happened? Well the condensed version, we're in a holding pattern. We're in contact with one another, but its now at a much slower pace.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 What's wrong with taking things slowly, and feeling out the relationship? Why does everything have to go at breakneck speed? I totally understand your confusion, but I would look at it as an opportunity to get to know the person without feeling pressure. Maybe she was feeling pressure and she wants to just step back a bit. I suggest you go with the flow for a while, and see where it takes you. If you decide it's not making you happy, then break it off. GIve it a chance though, if you think you might really like this girl.
Author UT_longhorn Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 What's wrong with taking things slowly, and feeling out the relationship? Why does everything have to go at breakneck speed? I totally understand your confusion, but I would look at it as an opportunity to get to know the person without feeling pressure. Maybe she was feeling pressure and she wants to just step back a bit. I suggest you go with the flow for a while, and see where it takes you. If you decide it's not making you happy, then break it off. GIve it a chance though, if you think you might really like this girl. Yea..I know I like this girl since this is weighing on my mind a bit. I don't mind taking it slow either. what do you guys think of me calling her in a day or so to tell her "hey..i really respect your honesty and being up front with me. im totally fine with taking things slowly and please do not feel pressured to move at a pace any faster than you feel comfortable with?"
LionLover Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 What's wrong with taking things slowly, and feeling out the relationship? Why does everything have to go at breakneck speed? I totally understand your confusion, but I would look at it as an opportunity to get to know the person without feeling pressure. Maybe she was feeling pressure and she wants to just step back a bit. I suggest you go with the flow for a while, and see where it takes you. If you decide it's not making you happy, then break it off. GIve it a chance though, if you think you might really like this girl. Because its hard to seperate mind from body. But I do agree with you, & I guess in situations such as these– you do have to separate the two. Some will argue that is a healthy approach, others will argue that is simply not “love”. But how does one define love anyway when it differs from person to person. (gee I am getting quite philosophical lately) lol.
yongyong Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I had exactly the same issue. about 2 weeks of dating , we were talking about living together and future. Was she calling herself your GF? if so did she say something about being friends?
Angel1111 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Yea..I know I like this girl since this is weighing on my mind a bit. I don't mind taking it slow either. what do you guys think of me calling her in a day or so to tell her "hey..i really respect your honesty and being up front with me. im totally fine with taking things slowly and please do not feel pressured to move at a pace any faster than you feel comfortable with?" I think that sounds great. It shows her that you respect her feelings and that you put that above your own feelings. It also shows that you're secure with yourself. It will completely put her at ease and raise her level of respect for you. P.S. My son and I visited UT a couple of weeks ago. He's totally in love with it! That is one awesome place.
Recommended Posts