Am I being immature about this?

[CaliGuy]

Everyone's actions and choices have consequences. I'm pretty sure the OP is well-versed in that part. She may indeed see his demeanor as uncivil. That is her prerogative. He is not the controller of her, nor should he succumb to her attempts to control him

 

She won't be controlling me. And I will make my boundaries clear

[carhill]

I know, but those 22yo tatas...whoa!

[lovestruck818]

So the 22 year old that I dated at work is now seeing someone else from work. That's fine I don't really care but I do care that she lied about it to me. Since I found out she lied, I haven't spoken a word to her. We pass each other often and sometimes I have to come into her work area for documents. Each time, I say nothing to her and mind my own business.

 

This morning I was making coffee in the break room area and she came in. She said "Oh hi…" like she used to when we were dating. I said nothing to her. I did not even acknowledge her presence.

 

I know some of you will say "Oh it shows you are bitter" but I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends. I simply excommunicate them from my lives. And when I say lie, I don't mean "Stretch the truth to make you feel better" kind of lie. This was a blatant, selfish thing she did and I don't want her in my life.

 

I also did not want to open up a line of communication and felt by responding I would be opening myself up to dialog. It was more or less "no contact" in an up front and personal manner because we have to see each other quite often though we do not work together.

 

So there are two rules of thought.

 

A) Say nothing and seem bitter, immature and childish

B) Say something as if it didn't bother me (it does) and open myself up to dialog.

 

Thoughts?

 

people are not perfect...yes, lying is wrong, but is a lie worth breaking a friendship if it's someone you care/cared about?

[CaliGuy]

people are not perfect...yes, lying is wrong, but is a lie worth breaking a friendship if it's someone you care/cared about?

 

On that note, if someone cares about you, they wouldn't betray you. Correct? CareD is a good work. I used to care, before this.

 

In my eyes, true friends don't lie and/or betray your trust.

[lovestruck818]

On that note, if someone cares about you, they wouldn't betray you. Correct? CareD is a good work. I used to care, before this.

 

And in my eyes, friends don't do that.

 

I'm not an advocate of lying...but sometimes one needs to lie b/c they know sometimes the truth will hurt even more. I'm not saying i agree with it but it happens all the time.

 

I know this is not the same circumstance but let me give you a scenario for a sec: I have a friend who is overweight and when we go shopping she loves to pick out these skimpy little dresse and tops and things to try on. When she asks me how she looks what am I supposed to say? I tell her she looks good b/c if I told her she didn't, it would hurt her feelings.

 

I am sure the girl in your story didn't have bad intentions...

[Keridan]

Cali, I tried to read thru and I'm not sure I saw everything, but I had a thought on the situation. By giving her the silent treatment, you are showing her that she hurt you. Obviously, she did, but I'm talking about the appearance of things.

 

My father went through a painful divorce a few years before he passed away. I mean a really horrible mess. The whole time he acted pretty responsible and polite. He would say "The best revenge I can have to is to live well." He felt that if he let her get to him, he was giving her some control in his life.

 

I would almost think that if you pretended nothing happened at all, it might get your message across even better. Say hello, seem happy, act like it didn't really affect you that deeply.

 

I don't think you mean to be immature (hell, you've struck me as really having it together in your posts), but I think it comes across that way.

 

Just my thoughts, take or leave them as you will.

[xpaperxcutx]

CG I totally understand your bitterness towards the girl. The whole phrase " out of sight, out of mind" doesn't even come into play at the moment. You're being a good sport about it though, even if it might seem like immaturity on your part. But you're entitled to treat people how you want. Who's to say that you should respect the people around you? That kind of thinking is outdated, and only taught to kids in the 3rd grade. We all know how the world works. If she can't deal with your attitude, then she shouldn't have played with your emotions in the first place.

[CaliGuy]

I'm not an advocate of lying...but sometimes one needs to lie b/c they know sometimes the truth will hurt even more. I'm not saying i agree with it but it happens all the time.

 

I know this is not the same circumstance but let me give you a scenario for a sec: I have a friend who is overweight and when we go shopping she loves to pick out these skimpy little dresse and tops and things to try on. When she asks me how she looks what am I supposed to say? I tell her she looks good b/c if I told her she didn't, it would hurt her feelings.

 

I am sure the girl in your story didn't have bad intentions...

 

No in this case the lie was a betrayal and her inentions was to keep me around as long as she could until she could made a decision. I found out about the rouse and ended it first.

 

This wasn’t a situation where she was lying to protect feelings. She was lying because she is selfish.

[lovestruck818]

No in this case the lie was a betrayal and her inentions was to keep me around as long as she could until she could made a decision. I found out about the rouse and ended it first.

 

This wasn’t a situation where she was lying to protect feelings. She was lying because she is selfish.

 

In the original post, when you say this is a girl you "dated" what do you mean by that? Like girlfriend...or went on a few dates with?

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I tried to read thru and I'm not sure I saw everything, but I had a thought on the situation. By giving her the silent treatment, you are showing her that she hurt you. Obviously, she did, but I'm talking about the appearance of things.

 

Of course she did. But if I am kind to her and respond to her "hellos" it opens myself up to a conversation with her. I don't want that. It's almost like saying "It's ok for you to treat me like crap and I'll be your pal!" That's what I am trying to avoid.

 

My father went through a painful divorce a few years before he passed away. I mean a really horrible mess. The whole time he acted pretty responsible and polite. He would say "The best revenge I can have to is to live well." He felt that if he let her get to him, he was giving her some control in his life.

 

True and I've said it myself. She sees me laughing and having a good time at work and she knows I am not moping around after her at all. In fact, I've been living a life well lived without her. All I did was simply ignore her.

 

I would almost think that if you pretended nothing happened at all, it might get your message across even better. Say hello, seem happy, act like it didn't really affect you that deeply.

 

That's a hard act for me. I've never been one who has been very good at hiding his feelings. It's been a blessing and a curse my entire life.

 

I don't think you mean to be immature (hell, you've struck me as really having it together in your posts), but I think it comes across that way.

 

Just my thoughts, take or leave them as you will.

 

Thanks

[CaliGuy]

In the original post, when you say this is a girl you "dated" what do you mean by that? Like girlfriend...or went on a few dates with?

 

Someone I dated for a year.

[CaliGuy]

CG I totally understand your bitterness towards the girl. The whole phrase " out of sight, out of mind" doesn't even come into play at the moment. You're being a good sport about it though, even if it might seem like immaturity on your part. But you're entitled to treat people how you want. Who's to say that you should respect the people around you? That kind of thinking is outdated, and only taught to kids in the 3rd grade. We all know how the world works. If she can't deal with your attitude, then she shouldn't have played with your emotions in the first place.

 

Agreed. Again, I am not UNCIVIL to her. If I choose not to talk to her when I am on "my" time, so be it.

 

Work wise, I talk to her professionally when necessary but I don't go out of my way to seek her out.

[lovestruck818]

Someone I dated for a year.

 

So...a girlfriend, I am assuming. Was there any sort of exclusivity established amongst you?

[Keridan]

If you aren't the type of guy to hide your feelings well, then you are probably doing the best thing you can right now. Better to give her the silent treatment then tell her off

 

Good luck to ya, bud. Hope it gets easier!

[CaliGuy]

So...a girlfriend, I am assuming. Was there any sort of exclusivity established amongst you?

 

Yes there was. If you're questionning whether I have a right to be angry with her, I do.

[CaliGuy]

Here's something else to consider.

 

It's quite easy to implement NC when you don't have to see that person every single day of your life.

 

What if you're trying to implement NC with someone you work with? In my case, that is all I am trying to do. It isn't a situation where I am THAT hurt. It's just that I don't believe she is worth any of my time. So since I can't implement NC the traditional way, this is my lone option.

 

If we didn't work together, I wouldn't have to ignore her in person. I'd be ignoring her through the traditional avenues (email, phone, etc). So what's the difference of implementing NC in the office and NC outside the office OTHER than the fact once in a very great while I have to interact with her. And when I do, it's professional.

 

You get what I am saying? If ignoring their attempts at contact though email or phone isn't immature, why is ignoring them in person (implementing NC) any different?

[Lizzie60]

So the 22 year old that I dated at work is now seeing someone else from work. That's fine I don't really care but I do care that she lied about it to me. Since I found out she lied, I haven't spoken a word to her. We pass each other often and sometimes I have to come into her work area for documents. Each time, I say nothing to her and mind my own business.

 

This morning I was making coffee in the break room area and she came in. She said "Oh hi…" like she used to when we were dating. I said nothing to her. I did not even acknowledge her presence.

 

I know some of you will say "Oh it shows you are bitter" but I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends. I simply excommunicate them from my lives. And when I say lie, I don't mean "Stretch the truth to make you feel better" kind of lie. This was a blatant, selfish thing she did and I don't want her in my life.

 

I also did not want to open up a line of communication and felt by responding I would be opening myself up to dialog. It was more or less "no contact" in an up front and personal manner because we have to see each other quite often though we do not work together.

 

So there are two rules of thought.

 

A) Say nothing and seem bitter, immature and childish

B) Say something as if it didn't bother me (it does) and open myself up to dialog.

 

Thoughts?

 

My rule of thought...

 

Say 'HI' nothing more.. do not open myself to dialog... do as if it doesn't bother me... then openly flirt with others..

 

To ignore her like you did demonstrated that you are bitter.. and childish.. next time, my bet is that she will just ignore you and not give a second thought about you.. I know I wouldn't...

[Ruby]

Hi Cali

 

Well for what it is worth I think that you ignoring her has given her the impression that you are hurt and still have feelings for her

 

It must be so hard to deal with this in the work place but in this case I do not think it possible to carry forward your no contact rule.

 

I think you should try to erase the hurt and realise that you have no choice but to work with her at present so you have no choice but to make it as painless as possible.

 

If you are still really cut up over her then carry on with the no contact and ignore her BUT if you want to truely move on then be curteous towards her if and when needed and move on.

 

Good luck, it is a nasty position to be in! You can be the higher person here you know?

[CaliGuy]

My rule of thought...

 

Say 'HI' nothing more.. do not open myself to dialog... do as if it doesn't bother me... then openly flirt with others..

 

To ignore her like you did demonstrated that you are bitter.. and childish.. next time, my bet is that she will just ignore you and not give a second thought about you.. I know I wouldn't...

 

I'm not worried about her giving me a second thought

[CaliGuy]

My rule of thought...

 

Say 'HI' nothing more.. do not open myself to dialog... do as if it doesn't bother me... then openly flirt with others..

 

To ignore her like you did demonstrated that you are bitter.. and childish.. next time, my bet is that she will just ignore you and not give a second thought about you.. I know I wouldn't...

 

Oh and Liz, there was no one around to openly flirt with this morning. But that also tells me a little about someone's character.

 

What's more openly childish? Ignoring someone via NC (in person or online).

 

Or openly flirting with other people in front of them to try and make them jealous?

 

Seems to me to be 6 in one hand, half-dozen in the other.

 

She sees me be open, having fun and chatting it up with co-workers like I've always done. I don't have to put an act or purposely flirt with others for her to see I am happy without her.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

Hi Cali

 

Well for what it is worth I think that you ignoring her has given her the impression that you are hurt and still have feelings for her

 

It must be so hard to deal with this in the work place but in this case I do not think it possible to carry forward your no contact rule.

 

I think you should try to erase the hurt and realise that you have no choice but to work with her at present so you have no choice but to make it as painless as possible.

 

If you are still really cut up over her then carry on with the no contact and ignore her BUT if you want to truely move on then be curteous towards her if and when needed and move on.

 

Good luck, it is a nasty position to be in! You can be the higher person here you know?

 

I thought I was taking the high road. I could have said something rude to her. I could have been mean and nasty, but I wasn't. I simply acted like she wasn't there, got my coffee and left. What I don't want is that "Hi" to mean "I am open to you starting a conversation with me" because even if I replied to her hi, I would have ignored anything else. I don't want a conversation with her. I just don't want to be around her at all.

 

Like I said, when people do what she did to me, I simply erase them from my life. That's a boundary I've always had and only those who treat me like a friend (not just give lip service) are allowed inside.

[WiseOne1]

I thought I was taking the high road. I could have said something rude to her. I could have been mean and nasty, but I wasn't. I simply acted like she wasn't there, got my coffee and left. What I don't want is that "Hi" to mean "I am open to you starting a conversation with me" because even if I replied to her hi, I would have ignored anything else. I don't want a conversation with her. I just don't want to be around her at all.

 

Like I said, when people do what she did to me, I simply erase them from my life. That's a boundary I've always had and only those who treat me like a friend (not just give lip service) are allowed inside.

 

 

I dont see how caliguy is being immature, and what he is doing is no diffrent than all of us, hes basically doing NC, yea thats right NO CONTACT, isnt that the 2 words that loveshack are built around!

 

Some people feel once you cheat your done! Over! Zip!, he feels once you lie that its over.

 

And the good thing about this is CG doesnt have to care if she gives him a 2nd thought, he seems to care less, he bassically doesnt want her to think hes a doormat.

[CaliGuy]

I dont see how caliguy is being immature, and what he is doing is no diffrent than all of us, hes basically doing NC, yea thats right NO CONTACT, isnt that the 2 words that loveshack are built around!

 

Some people feel once you cheat your done! Over! Zip!, he feels once you lie that its over.

 

And the good thing about this is CG doesnt have to care if she gives him a 2nd thought, he seems to care less, he bassically doesnt want her to think hes a doormat.

 

I don't think she'll ever think I am a doormat, lol. She chased me hard and heavy for a long time. I just don't want her to thin she can just say hi and that would make everything right...

[WiseOne1]

I don't think she'll ever think I am a doormat, lol. She chased me hard and heavy for a long time. I just don't want her to thin she can just say hi and that would make everything right...

 

Lol omg, so if she wanted you back would you take her back?

[CaliGuy]

Lol omg, so if she wanted you back would you take her back?

 

No, not with all her red flags