Keslove Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I'm in a dilemma here…. I’m in my 20’s and I’ve been dating a woman 7 years older than me who is in her 30’s. We’ve been dating for 3 years now. There have been a couple blowups, and I was very close to breaking it off with her in the last 2-3 months after one of them. Things have been really great until about Spring this year. I’ve recently bought a house and moved out of a sticky roommate situation. This is my first time out on my own (aside from living with a roommate and then parents before that). She doesn’t want to move in with me before we’re married. When the relationship started, she was the aggressor who went after me and now she is perturbed at me for not being aggressive enough towards her. And in a way I feel it's difficult for me to be aggressive towards her given how it started (almost like she stole some of my thunder) by her going after me. Normally I’d have no problem chasing after a girl. Now I find myself asking questions whether she is the right one for me to marry (and do I even want to get married any time soon at my age); after I was pretty gung-ho about the idea awhile back. She has more dating experience than I do; do I need more? I assured her in the past that I’d ready to settle down, but now I’m not so sure. I’m finding it easier to talk to girls at work and when I’m out than I can with her. Is this a bad sign? Almost like my conversations don’t jive as well with her and I can’t fully be myself. I also may be going back to school soon to further my career. I love this person and pictured myself having kids with them, and now I’m not so sure…. I’ve had these feelings before when we’ve become disconnected, and then we reconnect and everything seems fine. But here we are again…. What if she is the one and I make the mistake of breaking up with her and regretting it for the rest of my life? I don't know what to do.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Maybe it would help you to write out what the major differences are between you and your gf. Does she share the same interests, is she as affectionate as you would like, do you two still enjoy a romp in the sack? And write up a list of everything that you don't like about this relationship, and a list of everything you do. Then prioritize each list... which aspects hold the most significance to you and rank them. Its simply an exercise to promote deeper thinking about the areas that are off in the relationship, balanced with what is good about it. Don't get too bogged down with it, and don't censor yourself while writing it. Just write it, let it flow, set it down and forget about it for several hours or a day. Then come back to it. When you do come back to it, think about what you feel you need (or really want) in a relationship versus what you actually have. Does ithis relationship match with the things that are most important to you? Do the positives out weight the negatives? etc... Second.. it seems like your gf is insecure that you are living on your own now. I might be wrong. But her desire to see you become more aggressive toward chasing her is usually a sign that the woman wants to feel wanted. That you desire being with her. If you combine your recent desire to want to end things, living on your own now, going back to college... it can leave a SO with a feeling insecure about your desire to be with her. She's correct in feeling this way, but she may be pushing you away with her insecurity. You need to more accurately pinpoint what's hanging you up about this woman. Are you getting what you need from the relationship? What do you need from the relationship? What are the things your gf does that make you feel special, loved, happy and content... and what is she doing that push you away, make you uncertain about keeping her in your life. Start asking yourself what you need and want from a relationship, and how does that match what you have. If you can't dig deeper into how you're feeling, then you'll stay stuck in the question of whether you should stay with this girl or not. And eventually, you'll marry her even with all the questions and doubts because you'll feel like that's what you're supposed to do. Except, neither of you will be very happy and the marriage won't last.
silvergirl Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 When the relationship started, she was the aggressor who went after me and now she is perturbed at me for not being aggressive enough towards her. And in a way I feel it's difficult for me to be aggressive towards her given how it started (almost like she stole some of my thunder) by her going after me. Normally I’d have no problem chasing after a girl. Why do you have to chase after someone you've been seeing for 3 years? Do you mean more agrressive toward seeing and talking to her?
Author Keslove Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks for the advice, Walk! I will try that. Why do you have to chase after someone you've been seeing for 3 years? Do you mean more agrressive toward seeing and talking to her? Making dates and in bed. We have very different personalities which compliment each other (and make us compatible) quite well most of the time, as well as many similar interests. But our differing personalities cause us to butt horns too. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells, acting in a certain manner so as not to piss her off. I want to be sincere, but I also want to feel like I can be myself around her. She's high maintenance sometimes, but not self-centered. She's able to say I'm the love of her life, but I can't say that myself 100%.
Jilly Bean Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 This is SO interesting! Supports my stance of why people should avoid the marriage in their 20's that only lasts 3 years, then the divorce comes. Sounds like you are changing. I think we do the bulk of our growth and changes IN our 20's, so you're right on pace, actually. lol. But, clearly you are not the same person you were when you started dating her, and your goals and desires have changed. I think you owe it to her and the relationship to talk about this, but ultimately, if someone so basic has changed for you, then there is no going back.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 We have very different personalities which compliment each other (and make us compatible) quite well most of the time, as well as many similar interests. But our differing personalities cause us to butt horns too. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells, acting in a certain manner so as not to piss her off. I want to be sincere, but I also want to feel like I can be myself around her. I think Jilly Bean is on the money. My whole out look on life is drastically different from when I was in my 20s. Don't alter your personality to avoid conflict. Never works. If you're keeping your mouth shut about stuff to keep peace all you're really doing is delaying the outcome. Except, it'll be bigger and worse then if you'd just said what was on your mind in the first place. Keep your gf in the loop. You don't need to tell her you're having second thoughts, but you could let her know that you're feeling stressed about the relationship. Let her know that you feel there are problems with communication, and it sometimes feels like the two of you aren't on the same page. Let her know you aren't happy with being the aggressor (if you aren't happy). Also talk to her about her expectations of how the relationship will go when you go back to college. Tell her what your expectations are. Discuss it with her. Every time I've run into a difficult problem in a relationship I've always found that its better to discuss it with the person. Even if it turns out the relationship doesn't work out, discussing the issues helps relieves some of the doubt about which direction is the best path to take. And sometimes it turns out that the problem is something that can be solved, and it makes the relationship more enjoyable.
vonerik012 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 When it really comes down to it, and you foresee the rest of your life ahead of you with this one person, is her age an issue? I ask because you pointed out she is 7 years older. While 7 years is not that much, you could also be 30, and marry a 24 year old. Then that is a 13 yr difference. Are you ready to have kids with this woman? And I cant blame her. She does have a biological clock, and doesn't see the point to just living with you. 3 years should be enough time to decide.
shadowplay Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 How old exactly are you and how old is she? How did you guys meet?
imbewildered Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 What if she is the one and I make the mistake of breaking up with her and regretting it for the rest of my life? I don't know what to do. There is no such person as "the one" .This is the myth of the "soulmate". Hollywood fantasy. There are lots of women out there who would be good for you (and to you )
imbewildered Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 But our differing personalities cause us to butt horns too. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells, acting in a certain manner so as not to piss her off. I want to be sincere, but I also want to feel like I can be myself around her. She's high maintenance sometimes, but not self-centered. She's able to say I'm the love of her life, but I can't say that myself 100%. Oops, Warning, warning ! "Butt horns" is another way of saying "power struggles" Bad sign dude . Strike one for her. NO man needs a difficult argumentative woman. "Walking on eggshells " means that you cannot freely express yourself without her punishing you in some way for your "mistake" . Strike two. " High maintenance, but she is not self centered " ..Huh ? Being self centered is precisely what makes women "high maintenance" .However some have perfected the skill of doing kind things occasionally to counter balance their selfishness, Strike three. Your last sentence expresses the absolute truth of how it is for you WITH her. Strike four. Nuff said ?
Recommended Posts