i need support really bad today,,,

[Die Hard]

hello folks

 

a quick recap

 

was involved with mw ~1 year ago for ~1 year. she ended it with me by simply stopping calling me. the last time we spoke she said she'd call in a couple hours and never called me again. i was never allowed to call her cell phone so i just had to let her go and it almost killed me. its been all i could do to make it to the other side.

 

she's tried some contact in the last few months but nothing major and i kept nc just like everyone here said to do.

 

suddenly this morning she called,,,,i almost answered it because my mom was supposed to call,,,luckily i looked at the number and it was her and i let it go to voicemail.

 

the message said a mutual friend of ours has been hurt really bad. i don't doubt the friend has been hurt,,,,but shes using this as an excuse to make contact and i'm having a hard time because i know i could start it up again and this time she wouldn't let me go so easy because she knows i'll walk.

 

i'm a different person now,,,,i don't want to go back to being that other person i was. the lying,,,the cheating,,,,,,,even this mutual friend that is hurt knows nothing about it and i had to lie to her about it. i've spent the last year trying to make it up to this friend by being a better friend as well.

 

i'm also upset that she's using this as an excuse to contact me. i know this woman,,,,she's probably glad to have what she considers a legit reason to contact me rather than being upset that the friend is hurt. plus i'm freaking out wanting to how hurt the friend is,,,but i can find out other ways it will just take time,,,,time i'm willing to wait,,,,but god i hope the friend doesn't die. i'm not done making it up to her for all the lies i had to tell her to keep my affair a secret

 

still,,,,,part of me is saying call her,,,,you love her and this is what you've been waiting for,,,the bad selfish part of me is saying this.

 

just please post and tell me all the reasons why i shouldn't call,,,,i just need to hear them

 

thank you all for any support you can offer

[Lyssa]

You have gone far with the NC so stick to it. You can always call other mutual friends (do you have any?) to find out how badly hurt your friend is.

[Die Hard]

no there is no one else i can call. the friend and i talk directly and now i can't get ahold of the friend,,,,,haven't been able to for several days. now i know why.

 

i can't believe this is happening

[Art_Critic]

still,,,,,part of me is saying call her,,,,you love her and this is what you've been waiting for,,,the bad selfish part of me is saying this.

 

You have been waiting for her to call you about a friend being hurt ?.. she didn't mention in the voicemail about divorcing her husband and it being final and wanting to get with you..

I think you are seeing things that are not really in that call..

 

Treat her to silence..

You have been doing great healing and there is no reason to go back into the cheating world of deception again.

 

Keep up the NC...

[Die Hard]

thank you for the posts folks

 

yes you are right art, i am reading into it,,,exactly right,,,my mind is going crazy.

 

great post,,,i need to be hit hard here,,,so don't hold back. better to risk hurting my feelings if it keeps me from calling her and keeps it from starting up again.

 

i know this woman,,,she IS trying to start it up again though,,,she only cares about herself. i only realized this after total nc for a long time.

 

its still very hard and i can be selfish too and dont want to be,,,not this way not anymore

 

but i do love her so much

[Die Hard]

shes calling again

 

i can't believe this i was posting in the political area of this forum all night having fun and now this,,,,after all this time

[Art_Critic]

shes calling again

 

Treat her to silence...

 

She is married and you have already been down this road with her before..

[Die Hard]

ok i just called my primary care doc,,,he also acts as a therapist sometimes,,,just listens. he wants me to come get a couple valium and then call the hospitals,,,,he said if the friend is hurt that bad the friend will be at one of them.

 

he told me not to call her too. i won't i promise,,,,,i have control,,, all i have to do is do nothing and i stay on the right track

[Tomcat33]

Hi Die Hard do you feel that if you talk to her you will get sucked back into having her in your life, and given what you already know about her in what capacity do you see yourself involved with her if you DO take the call?

[Die Hard]

ok i'm back

 

couple things i thought about during the drive

 

 

1. what if i called and she didn't answer? I'd be screwed not knowing anything about my friend AND she would have me on the hook again

 

2. what if she did answer? we have nothing to say to each other. like tomcat alluded to,,, it was always about the affair and i can't JUST talk to her about our friend as friends.

 

3. like tomcat says,,,what do i expect from starting it back up? hell. i was a wreck when things were going "great" let alone the aftermath. i remembered those feelings during the drive and i don't want that crap again. practically clogged an artery or something during that time with her

 

4. doc told me to worry about myself first. not my friend,,, not the mw. believe it or not i'm actually having feelings of sorry for her regarding worrying about our friend but i'm not her emotional paper towel anymore

 

5. like art says,,,i'll treat her to silence,,, she doesn't deserve to hear my voice for any reason,,,,,EVER AGAIN

 

6. i don't even feel like i need the valium anymore

 

7. i'm gonna take them anyway:cool:,,,,he only gave me two and i deserve them. it's friday for cripey sakes:D

 

i appreciate the support lyssa, art and tomcat. your posts helped lots when i was a lurker and they really helped today. i called my best friend but he's still in bed. i called my mom and before i said anything she said she couldn't talk because she has a headache,,,women and their headaches lol. so you guys were the only support i had there for a little while. thank you:)

 

this will be my last post i think in this area of the forum,,,, i don't want to start dwelling on this crap. debating politics is way more fun and most sites don't have a political area like this one does,,,so i'm gonna take advantage.

 

thanks again all of you:)

[Angel1111]

Aside from the fact that she's married, this woman dropped you like a hot potato and didn't give you any warning or an explanation. I would never again speak to a person who did this to me. They wouldn't even get a polite 'hello' from me. There was no excuse for what she did to you and you have no reason to be even the slightest bit courteous about returning the call, or talking to her for any reason.

 

And I totally agree - if you call and leave a message, you're right back where you started. Leave her alone and don't ever forget what she did to you.

 

What happened when she last called you? Did she leave another message?

[Tomcat33]

hell. i was a wreck when things were going "great" let alone the aftermath. i remembered those feelings during the drive and i don't want that crap again. practically clogged an artery or something during that time with her

 

 

Those are the words I would hope you would see in visualising the outcome of your breaking of the silence. If we project much further in order to see the outcome of our initial motion we can get a better picture of why we would make a specific move. But this projection can only happen whith a clear mind. Fortunately now you are in a position where you can act with thought first, you no longer are ruled by what your heart dictates you have gained space and emotional distance and you can think things through. And you have worked very hard to get to where you are today, and it would so sad to see you slip back and fall onto square one again.

 

I am very happy you came to your own self realization, and I think you're smart for focusing on the wrong feelings that this person did to you.

 

 

I'm glad you found what you were looking for.

Enjoy your time on the Political side of LS.

[Die Hard]

angel,,,thank you for the post. no,,,no message the second time. i'm sure she's shocked i don't answer given the reason she called AND left a message this time,,,,she really had me wrapped around her finger once upon a time and i doubt she can imagine me not coming running. as was said on seinfeld,,,i have hand,,,, and i'm not giving it up.

 

tomcat,,,thanks again for your posts.

[Tomcat33]

angel,,,thank you for the post. no,,,no message the second time. i'm sure she's shocked i don't answer given the reason she called AND left a message this time,,,,she really had me wrapped around her finger one upon a time and i doubt she can imagine me not coming running. as was said on seinfeld,,,i have hand,,,, and i'm not giving it up.

 

tomacat,,,thanks again for your posts.

 

 

have you met my East Indian friend "Binder Dundat"? I have the t-shirt

 

right back at ya:love:

[Daisyloo]

Die Hard -

I'm in the situation where approx hmmm - an hour ago - I finished things with my MM. I'm in pieces and feeling every type of pain and anguish that is possible as I'm sure you did a year ago and whats worse is I know that I'm only at the beginning, the tip - the depths are yet to come (and all that). I've not got any life changing advice because frankly, you're a year ahead of me .

BUT, what I can say is - DON'T get yourself back to feeling like this - nothing can be worth it and you're right, you can find out about your friend through hospitals.

Big love Xxx

[troubadour]

Years ago I was in a situation like yours except for than no one was hurt. To make a long story short she was trying to use information which she had about one of our matual friends, which I could not get from any other source, to make me get in touch with her again. And it was a good friend so I was dying to hear what was going on with him. Of course, I did not contact her... it has never been an option... and I still do not know what is going on with that friend. A few month after that she han another idea and tried again... but it failed again. I have been always a dude who somehow could control his emotions... however, in a few cases it was hard, very hard.

[Die Hard]

update below the next few comments

 

thanks for the post daisy. i'm sorry you're going through this. the only advice i really have is to remember the pain and yearning will come in waves,,,,couple good days,,couple bad days etc..,,,,but i promise it's gets better and better. slowly but it gets much better. it's a marathon not a sprint. just pace yourself. the better days will get more and more and the next thing you know you're there. it happens slowly but the good days creep up on you without you even noticing at first. heck until this happened i really didn't know how much better i really am and you will be too!!!!!!

 

 

thanks for the post troubadour,,,,glad to hear you made it i'm a dude too and it makes me glad we have this in common. what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and i bet like me,,,,you are a smarter and better person. it's a crappy way to get smarter,,,but whatever, right?

 

AN UPDATE,,,I TALKED TO MY FRIEND!!! found them in the hospital but is NOT hurt badly. will be out in two days!!!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

i'm gonna have to explain how i knew was in the hospital cuz there is no way for me to have known. my friend is too doped up right now to even ask how i knew but it will come,,,,thinking of just saying i got worried after not talking,,,,,my friend will have no choice but to believe it. i just hope the mw i was involved with doesn't get mad and tell my friend everything,,,but thats a chance i have to take and all i can do is make it up if that happens

 

my friend wants me to come and visit but that isn't an option since i could run into you know who and that can't happen.

 

it's funny,,,when i read my first few posts i was really panicking:eek:,,,,i hadn't been faced with this choice and i guess i was afraid the old me was gonna take control again the way it did before where i would do things even though i didn't want to. i couldn't control myself.

 

it turns out the old me is dead and gone. this has been really easy it turns out. i have no urge to make contact. today wrote the last chapter of this book and it's time for me to start a new book. heck it's not even a chapter,,,just the epilogue to the book. and that is now that.

 

i apologize for saying "my friend" so much but i want to be careful with too much info,,,,i also had to make some other slight changes. since this happened today it would be easy already to identify me,,,,,so i gotta be a little cryptic. the changes are very slight and don't matter but i feel bad for not being able to just say everything,,,,,just know you folks helped me greatly

 

MY FRIEND IS ALRIGHT!!!! i'm pumped:cool::cool:

 

thank you all and i promise I WILL NEVER CONTACT HER,,,,if i get the urge i will post in this thread.

 

and daisy,,,if you need support just post and i'll be here for you. you can do it girl,,,,,troub and i are dudes but i can sense you are a dudette,,,,and you'll make it just the same as we did!!!!!!! maybe even quicker,,,,girls can be tough and like i said you are a dudette!!!

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm glad that your friend is ok.

 

And I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

Stay strong!

 

GEL

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Die Hard congratulations in coming this far. I can only guess how much this is bugging you, but you stay strong. Have you changed your number? You may want to try that if it will help you. You could also try looking into your local law enforcement agencies to see if there is some kind of legal thing you can do, that way she can be put on notice and if she violates it, have her thrown in jail.

 

It might sound mean, but you know what, your not doing it to her or for her, you are doing it for yourself. continued success on the path you have chosen.

 

 

DNR

[Daisyloo]

Die Hard -

I'm SO PLEASED your friend is ok, that's great news!

I'm also glad you don't feel compelled to call your ex now.

I'm honoured to be a dudette!!

Will do my best to live up to it. Thanks hon Xxx

[Die Hard]

thanks for the post GEL: you are the poster who taught me about TMI, thanks for that, and for the encouragement!!

 

DNR, thanks for the post. No, no need for the cops. Besides, in my mind, that would be breaking nc. Yes I'm changing my number,,,went to do it today but it was a madhouse in there with people buy cell phones so I'm going back in on monday to do it.

 

Hi daisy: thanks for the encouragement. I hope you are doing well. I know how hard it can be but the darkness that you see yourself in is not forever. It just seems that way.

 

update: talked to my friend today and I believe the MW is opening her mouth. actually I know she is. I finally asked "aren't you wondering how I knew you were in the hospital?" Friend: i figured xyz(MW) called you. Me: how would XYZ have my number? Friend: I don't know, how would she?

 

So, something is going on, and frankly, I don't care. However, I am thinking of going NC with the friend now too. Maybe send some flowers with a nice note and then go NC. My thinking is that I want to leave all this behind. I don't know that that can happen now still in contact with the friend. I'm thinking leave it all in the past, look forward and never look back.

 

Any advice or opinion would be welcome,

 

thank you all

 

ps: sorry I haven't been around but those valium really grabbed me by the ya ya's. Felt like i had my head pulled down thru my ass when i woke this morning.

[Angel1111]

I'm glad to hear your friend is ok, too. Well, unless you just want to end your friendship with this person, then I don't see the point. It's just another way of the MW controlling your actions. But, that's your decision and you know the circumstances best. If this friend does know about the situation and isn't being judgemental about it, then he/she may be a good source to confide in. Just some thoughts.

 

Anyway, I'm very impressed with how you've handled this whole thing. Doesn't it feel good to be protective of your heart instead of handing it over to someone who stomped on it the last time?

 

Now stop pulling your head through your ass and you'll be just fine.

[whichwayisup]

The MW might be using this friend to get the lo-down on you so that isn't a bad idea of slowly disappearing out of the mutual friends life.

[Lyssa]

Glad your friend is okay and that you're still staying strong!

[Die Hard]

Angel, WWIU and and Lyssa, thank you for the posts.

 

This should be the last update. Changed phone number today and by chance she called me at the cell phone store and left a sobbing message that I could barely make out,,,,saying she wants to leave her husband and be with me. Even if I thought she was serious,,,there is no chance of that happening. Things have changed for me,,,,she has 3 kids under eight years old. At the time I was prepared to take this on,,,,but not anymore. I want my own kids now,,,,born in to a normal marriage and not the dysfunctional situation that her and I were in. Plus, I still love her,,,,but don't want her anymore, if that makes any sense. I figure just because I love her doesn't mean we should be together.

 

I am taking WWIU's advice and going nc with the friend. I sent flowers and a very nice not so the friend knows I care. I'll be going to europe for 6 months starting in january so I lied and moved the trip up as my excuse for being out of touch for a good while.

 

Yes, i feel bad for lying but that's what an affair casues to happen, at least for me anyway, and I have to look out for me first, imo.

 

So now she cannot make contact anymore, which makes me happy. The only odd thing in all this is how GREAT i feel. It's as if that first call she made lifted a two ton weight from my shoulders. I guess it was an ego boost but it doesn't seem to be going away. I think maybe I'm finally just simply happy. The way she ended it apparently left me with some kind of unresolved issues and when you think about I only got to start nc last week since she is the one who broke contact originally. Practicing nc feels GREAT!! I could actually run into her now in person and it really wouldn't bother me,,,,,i'm just indifferent to the whole thing now.

 

Thank you all again for the advice posted here, and in this forum for the past year and a half,,,,,without it I would probably be in a different place right now.

 

One more thing; I've been seeing a girl for the last month and I decided to tell her all about all of this. I felt like I was lying by ommission and didn't want to start what is becoming a pretty cool relationship without everything on the table. She was surprised i would ever be involved with a mw but beyond that is just happy I was honest with her and it's seems to have made us even closer.

 

So I'm back on track and just going to put all of this in memory and move on.

 

I'll still check in from time to time.

 

thanks again all of you and thanks to loveshack for just being here. what a great site.