sunshinegirl Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Are you a fundamentally selfish man who has trouble empathizing with others? Have you experienced some childhood trauma that has rendered you unable to feel deeply, open yourself to others, and communicate? Perfect - let’s get together! You’ll have a great time – I will give you my time, effort, love, gifts, body, and attention (almost without limit) and you can give me little in return. You won’t have to give me any explicit indication of your feelings for me, be vulnerable with me, work to deepen our relationship, or tell me whether you see a future together. You can give me few or no gifts, after the first month or two you won’t have to plan any special or romantic dates with me, and certainly don’t worry about complimenting me regularly or giving me flowers! I will pride myself on being so low-maintenance as to not need such silly affectionate gestures. I will, in fact, take responsibility for many of those things, spending money and effort making our relationship special for you, hoping of course that my love and generosity will heal your past hurts and unlock your heart so that you will finally appreciate me and start doing all those affectionate things for me. No matter how callous or uncaring your behavior may become, my idealism and optimism will still have me thinking the best of you and making excuses for you to friends and family. I will put up with you for months, or even years, until you unceremoniously dump me (possibly after having cheated on me!). And when that happens, I will blame myself for us not working out. It’s a no-risk proposition for you – what are you waiting for? *** Just kidding - the above isn't what I want NOW, but it is what I've been settling for in the past. I wrote it after examining all of my past romantic relationships for what they had in common. It's a great wake-up call and motivator, as I refuse to get myself into any more relationships like the above.
borelandkaren Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Are you a fundamentally selfish man who has trouble empathizing with others? Have you experienced some childhood trauma that has rendered you unable to feel deeply, open yourself to others, and communicate? Perfect - let’s get together! You’ll have a great time – I will give you my time, effort, love, gifts, body, and attention (almost without limit) and you can give me little in return. You won’t have to give me any explicit indication of your feelings for me, be vulnerable with me, work to deepen our relationship, or tell me whether you see a future together. You can give me few or no gifts, after the first month or two you won’t have to plan any special or romantic dates with me, and certainly don’t worry about complimenting me regularly or giving me flowers! I will pride myself on being so low-maintenance as to not need such silly affectionate gestures. I will, in fact, take responsibility for many of those things, spending money and effort making our relationship special for you, hoping of course that my love and generosity will heal your past hurts and unlock your heart so that you will finally appreciate me and start doing all those affectionate things for me. No matter how callous or uncaring your behavior may become, my idealism and optimism will still have me thinking the best of you and making excuses for you to friends and family. I will put up with you for months, or even years, until you unceremoniously dump me (possibly after having cheated on me!). And when that happens, I will blame myself for us not working out. It’s a no-risk proposition for you – what are you waiting for? *** Just kidding - the above isn't what I want NOW, but it is what I've been settling for in the past. I wrote it after examining all of my past romantic relationships for what they had in common. It's a great wake-up call and motivator, as I refuse to get myself into any more relationships like the above. OMG!!!OMG!!!OMG!!! How the **** did you get into my headspace from my last r/s??!! And, to a T for Tony!! Right on the head sweetheart and I tell you what, I'm rapidly getting over that f@cker!!!:lmao:
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Wow, beautifully written sunshinegirl. Well done. I suspect many guys will see something of themselves in your satire. But they'll never admit it.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Here's an even more to-the-point version: Wanted: Emotionally buttoned-up, insecure “Marlboro Man”. The more clammed up you are, the more you hate “using your words”, the more you resist communication, the better! Keep me guessing what hidden gem you are protecting with your silence – I’ll love it! Be selfish and don’t show interest in me as a person. Be totally certain that you are right and everyone else is wrong; always have an answer and always know what to do. Your authoritative “strength” will make me feel safe even if you’re criticizing what I think or believe. Be relentlessly cheerful and insist you are happy all the time – don’t show frustration, anger, upset… nevermind insecurity, fear, or anxiety. I’ll find your aloofness sexy. Don’t ever let me in to your real thoughts and feelings – always keep me at arm’s length. That way I will want you even more. Don’t remember anniversaries, don’t be sentimental, don’t give me gifts, don’t share with me any vulnerable moments, and don’t talk about a future together. In doing so, you’ll have me forever.
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Here's an even more to-the-point version: Wanted: Emotionally buttoned-up, insecure “Marlboro Man”. The more clammed up you are, the more you hate “using your words”, the more you resist communication, the better! Keep me guessing what hidden gem you are protecting with your silence – I’ll love it! Be selfish and don’t show interest in me as a person. Be totally certain that you are right and everyone else is wrong; always have an answer and always know what to do. Your authoritative “strength” will make me feel safe even if you’re criticizing what I think or believe. Be relentlessly cheerful and insist you are happy all the time – don’t show frustration, anger, upset… nevermind insecurity, fear, or anxiety. I’ll find your aloofness sexy. Don’t ever let me in to your real thoughts and feelings – always keep me at arm’s length. That way I will want you even more. Don’t remember anniversaries, don’t be sentimental, don’t give me gifts, don’t share with me any vulnerable moments, and don’t talk about a future together. In doing so, you’ll have me forever. Ouch! We're not all this stunted, are we? Are men either boring Marlboro guys or wimpy doormats who share one major common trait: selfishness? Aren't there a few good men out there? As for women: Wanted: Emotionally clingy, mood swinging and highly demanding woman who will remake me in her own image.She must tell me how to dress, what to say and with whom to play. She must be a wild she cat in bed for the first 3 months, just lie there the next 3 months and have sex with me once a year after we are married. She must quit her job, move in with me and redecorate my apartment within the first 6 weeks of dating. She must banish all sports, porn and beer from my life in order to make me a better man. We must watch the Lifetime Channel together in order to understand how badly all men mistreat all women. If you're the women for me, I'm yours. Call or text me at 555-1212.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Ouch! We're not all this stunted, are we? Are men either boring Marlboro guys or wimpy doormats who share one major common trait: selfishness? Let me be very clear that this is a personal exercise for me in understanding the kind of men *I* have been attracting into my life and dating. I am not making blanket assumptions that all men are like this. This is me getting clear about the kind of men I will no longer allow into my life and heart.
grogster Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Let me be very clear that this is a personal exercise for me in understanding the kind of men *I* have been attracting into my life and dating. I am not making blanket assumptions that all men are like this. This is me getting clear about the kind of men I will no longer allow into my life and heart. I know that. I'm just playing. Your writing was too good. I didn't mean to make light. In any event you're correct: many men in relationships are jerks at some point. I apologize.
motive2002 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 SWM seeks emotionally unavailable commitment-phobe for short term relationship. Must be willing to lead me on to the moon and send me back crashing to earth without fair notice. Please be into dangerous recreational drugs and kooky fad diets. Low self esteem and daddy issues are definitely a plus. Please reply by saying you'll call and then never doing it.
borelandkaren Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 SWM seeks emotionally unavailable commitment-phobe for short term relationship. Must be willing to lead me on to the moon and send me back crashing to earth without fair notice. Please be into dangerous recreational drugs and kooky fad diets. Low self esteem and daddy issues are definitely a plus. Please reply by saying you'll call and then never doing it. God, we're all f@cked up aren't we? What do you do about it? Just resign yourself to the fact that you make bad decisions or hide away from life and never meet anyone else again. I worked with a guy the other day who asked me out for a drink and I just said no. Apart from the fact that I found him completely unappealing, I just don't trust my own judgement. I know I'm free to go out with whomever I choose. So I choose...NO-ONE. Easier.
sedgwick Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I could have written this myself. Thank you, it really helped me more than you know. I'm not glad that anybody else is going through this, but I'm glad we can be here to help each other. One time when my ex was going on tour I asked him to bring something back for me. He was going to CA so I told him to take a walk on the beach and think of me, and pick up a shell or something. I just wanted some kind of object that I could have when he was away to reassure myself that he thought of me while he was gone. It wasn't like I was asking him to spend any money or get me some big fancy gift; he could have brought me a rock and I would have been happy. Not only did he not do it, he never even mentioned it again. If he had asked that of me, I would have found some kind of special little gift and written him a sweet note to go with it. I was always writing him notes and letters and cards. One time while watching him play a show, I embroidered "wow!" on a piece of fabric and then that night I hid it in the pocket of a pair of his jeans. I was always doing stuff like that for him, and he never made the slightest effort to respond. I would email him silly poems while he was away and I never got any response to those either. I tried so hard to not let it get to me, but of course it did. And then when he dumped me I was sure it was my fault for not trying hard enough. God, it was such a one-sided relationship!! Your post helped me see that. And Karen, I totally hear ya on not trusting your judgment and choosing not to be with anyone. I was talking to my ex (husband, who is still my best friend) today and we were discussing how it just seems like way too much trouble to put up with anybody else's crap. We firmly believe that one of these days, when we're old and feeble, we'll be sitting on the porch together in our rocking chairs, surrounded by cats, grunting at each other. I actually find that comforting. Am I weird that my ex-hubby is still my favorite person in the world? If only we still had romantic feelings for each other, and could stand to live together...but we can't. Still, I love him with all my heart, and he has really helped me get through this breakup.
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