Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Yes, this dichotomy will prove to be very unhealthy IMO. He fails to recognize the similarity between his extravagance on "lift tickets" (I presume for he and you) and you buying him an expensive dinner a couple times a year, not to mention his indulgence in toys of his own. I know plenty of guys who buy the latest toys (big ticket stuff) for themselves yet complain when their wives buy a couple pairs of shoes and a dress. That's cr@p, IMO. OP, does your BF keep a low profile or does he exhibit "tall poppy" behaviors? Lift tickets are purely for him.... What a wake up call... thank you carhill!!
Lauriebell82 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks to all for the comments, good and bad, I didn't mean to start such an emotive topic... Walk.. you are right it seems I have bashed by bf on many levels, I acknowledge I might be a little OTT sometimes however though if you want to hear the nitty gritty - when he doesn't want to see The Dark Knight at the movies now, which will cost us $20 (without popcorn) as we can rent it on a Tuesday night on DVD for $3 in 6 months I start to wonder if this guy is too tight? I made an error with focusing on the $400 dinner, which I still stand by in that I like to do it 2-3 times a year (it's my buzz and I pay but I have to listen to whining afterwards) my usual weekend is walking my dog and hanging at my friends houses' but he buys surfboards and snowboards and spends $1,000 on snow lift tickets so my twice a year $400 dinner should seem not so bad huh? Not too tight for him but too tight for me? Yep, I should get out.... Does he take you skiing when he buys these lift tickets? Or are they just for him? It sounds like it bothers you that he is a hypocrit when it comes to money, not because he's "cheap." It's like the "pot calling the kettle black" stuff. Anyway, maybe you should have a talk with him. Not being accusatory, but just lay out everything on the table. Dont' accuse him of being cheap just say that you have noticed how upset he gets when you spend a lot of money, but he spends money on things he enjoys too. Try to communicate to him what you are feeling. About the movie theater thing, I actually usually wait till movies come out on video to see them. That way, if it is a terrible movie then you only spent $4 bucks on it and opposed to like 10 bucks in a theater, and you can just turn the movie off and don't have to sit through it. But again, maybe the two of you can reach some sort of agreement regarding the issue. The bottom line is, do you want to save your relationship or don't you?
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I don't consider these people cheap or ungenerous. ah, but they do like to hoard! :laugh:
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Lift tickets are purely for him.... What a wake up call... thank you carhill!! OY! Little boy he is. Mommy I presume you do not wish to be. Wake up call you're welcome for.
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 It CAN work...it depends how accepting she is willing to be of it. My boyfriend and I have a very different attitude and feeling about both money & our jobs but we work just fine. It won't work if it's bothering her in the way that it is because anything else would be such a huge compromise that it'll gnaw at her every day. Your relationship may work but, for most, this is how people get into relationships that end up in divorce, by not recognizing that if something is a big deal when you're dating, it's going to be a huge deal when you're married. Incompatibility is a problem that will not go away. That's why I say that if a couple needs to go to counseling before they're married, they can save themselves the time and money by just getting out now before they end up in divorce court. Relationships should not be such hard work.
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Does he take you skiing when he buys these lift tickets? Or are they just for him? It sounds like it bothers you that he is a hypocrit when it comes to money, not because he's "cheap." It's like the "pot calling the kettle black" stuff. Anyway, maybe you should have a talk with him. Not being accusatory, but just lay out everything on the table. Dont' accuse him of being cheap just say that you have noticed how upset he gets when you spend a lot of money, but he spends money on things he enjoys too. Try to communicate to him what you are feeling. About the movie theater thing, I actually usually wait till movies come out on video to see them. That way, if it is a terrible movie then you only spent $4 bucks on it and opposed to like 10 bucks in a theater, and you can just turn the movie off and don't have to sit through it. But again, maybe the two of you can reach some sort of agreement regarding the issue. The bottom line is, do you want to save your relationship or don't you? I can understand how you get the Pot calling the kettle black thing on the surface though that is unfair, I gave him that but not him me.... I am not a hyprocite, those tickets are just for him and I am more than happy for him to enjoy his buzz however don't make me feel like rubbish for my buzz! I have communicated fully how I feel (can you not tell!) his enjoyment is not more important that mine, they're just as equal. As for seeing a rubbish movie - isn't that a part of it all? The movie may end up being ridiculous but it's a part of it. Do you not go out unless you can ensure it will be a good time? That's ridiculous if you do - do you ask for your money back if you don't have a good time? Do you want my bf's email address?
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 It won't work if it's bothering her in the way that it is because anything else would be such a huge compromise that it'll gnaw at her every day. Your relationship may work but, for most, this is how people get into relationships that end up in divorce, by not recognizing that if something is a big deal when you're dating, it's going to be a huge deal when you're married. Incompatibility is a problem that will not go away. That's why I say that if a couple needs to go to counseling before they're married, they can save themselves the time and money by just getting out now before they end up in divorce court. Relationships should not be such hard work. But to disagree over money seems so...materialistic...trivial? I can't think of the right word, sorry. I mean it's his money and he can do what he wants with it. If it were her money, ok, different story. I guess I just don't view money as a big deal in a relationship. I spend it on him, he spends it on me, sometimes it's equal, sometimes it's not...but underlying of that is our love...and that's what keeps us together. And if she really loves this guy, she really needs to acknowledge and accept that it's his money...and if she can't, then she needs to end it. I don't think her boyfriend is being cheap...investing in real estate is an extremely smart decision and is an attribute in people becoming wealthy later in in life.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I don't think her boyfriend is being cheap...investing in real estate is an extremely smart decision and is an attribute in people becoming wealthy later in in life. Investing in a good relationship is also pretty smart decision for your emotional well being. Having some real estate does not do much for that, especially in this current economic climate. You can't throw your eggs into one basket. If the relationship involves a few expensive dinners here and there and a few movies to maintain the benefits then that is wise. There's a compromise here, maybe a $200 dinner instead of a $400 one and one week at the movies and one week getting a DVD. If the guy in question can't meet half way then he's not all that smart in my opinion.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Investing in a good relationship is also pretty smart decision for your emotional well being. Having some real estate does not do much for that, especially in this current economic climate. You can't throw your eggs into one basket. If the relationship involves a few expensive dinners here and there and a few movies to maintain the benefits then that is wise. There's a compromise here, maybe a $200 dinner instead of a $400 one and one week at the movies and one week getting a DVD. If the guy in question can't meet half way then he's not all that smart in my opinion. But he can do whatever he wants with his money- it's HIS MONEY! Who is she to tell him what he can and can't do it with it? She can leave him if she isn't happy. My parents tried to tell me what to do with my money...and ya know what I did with it? I bought a house that is 3x the size of theirs.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 But he can do whatever he wants with his money- it's HIS MONEY! Who is she to tell him what he can and can't do it with it? She can leave him if she isn't happy. My parents tried to tell me what to do with my money...and ya know what I did with it? I bought a house that is 3x the size of theirs. Yes, but I was responding to your point about him being cheap. He IS being miserly, and that is not a very attractive quality in someone.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 More pointedly, projecting it (miserly behavior) upon the OP, while not appearing at all miserly about himself. IMO, he's attempting to train her. Resist that, OP
serial muse Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I think people are getting a little hung up on the $400 dinner thing...aside from that one comment, nothing else the OP has said struck me as unreasonable. Even that isn't unreasonable, if it's her money and she wants to spend it that way. As lovestruck said: But he can do whatever he wants with his money- it's HIS MONEY! Who is she to tell him what he can and can't do it with it? She can leave him if she isn't happy. My parents tried to tell me what to do with my money...and ya know what I did with it? I bought a house that is 3x the size of theirs. Just change the genders, and it's exactly what I'd say to the OP - she can do whatever she wants with her money - it's HER MONEY. What I understood from the OP's post - and correct me if I'm wrong, OP - is that her BF gives her crap about spending money on things he considers frivolous and unnecessary. But he also proceeds to spend money on himself that she might consider as "unnecessary" - and she leaves him be about it. Yes, it's a double standard, and he sounds like an ass. You two sound really incompatible on this issue, and it's a very important one, as some posters have said, OP. Maybe this is going to be a dealbreaker - I'm with you that people should feel free to spend their own hard-earned money however they wish to, whether they prefer to save or prefer to spend. There are arguments for both, and that's fair, too. But you're an equal partner in that and have just as much right to your opinion, so really, don't let him bully you; instead, consider that maybe you've just got fundamentally different outlooks on this. It's hard, but maybe he's just not going to see it your way and you'd be happier with someone who does?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 But he can do whatever he wants with his money- it's HIS MONEY! Who is she to tell him what he can and can't do it with it? She can leave him if she isn't happy. My parents tried to tell me what to do with my money...and ya know what I did with it? I bought a house that is 3x the size of theirs. The OP is not telling her bf what to do with his money. She is trying to figure out if this relationship is right for her. That is what dating is. She is trying to figure out where her balance is and where her breaking points are.
vonerik012 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Well if he is too cheap, I would break up with him. However, sometimes men date women in which nothing is enough, and for some reason they feel entitled to his money, if he makes a lot. I took a girl on vacation, paid for everything, but once there she also wanted this 600 dollar bag.. I said no, and she seems kind of shocked. A 400 dollar dinner is not something I would be interested in spending money on either. Maybe I am cheap.
mortensorchid Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 We are slaves to mass marketing and capitalism. At some point we are given the message that the only way you show someone that you care is to spend a bundle on them. Love is more than how much you spend on someone. A way to truly measure how much someone cares is the extent that they show their love by other ways. I've been on two extremes. Years ago I went out with a cheap man. I used to think he was thrifty, but it was greed instead. He would not go places because he didn't want to spend money on them. If you suggest something low key or something without the need to spend a lot of money, he would say he didn't want to do that. Just when you thought you had it figured out, he would go out and spend on some completely frivilous little bobble. But it was not something for someone else, it was for HIM and HIM only to use. When it was his idea then he wanted to spend. If it wasn't all about him and his needs he didn't want to do it because it didn't affect him in a positive way. On the other hand, my next serious bf was a spender. He and I traveled to exotic places, showered each other in gifts, and did the best of the best. He turned out to be an abusive and controlling tyrant with OCD. He felt that if he did these things for me then I owed him something. Hard to find a balance between the two. Unfortunately when it comes to money you will see people's true colors come out. Greed or jealousy motivates us to do the things that we do. Achieving a balance is what we have to do. I hope he finds this and you will as well.
vonerik012 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 For many men, it is just such a complete turn off when women demand you spend your money a certain way. Especially while just dating. I am more of a saver. I don't have a safety net. Many women do. So they might never quite understand. I don't buy myself much at all. But I notice if I was out with my ex, and I even looked at watches, she was so turned off. Like why can't I be spending that money to buy her something. I really don't get it at all. I guess some women view their money as their own, and your money as theirs as well.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Rosalie, I'm sorry for being a butthead about the situation without knowing all the facts. Does your bf's behavior toward money overflow into other areas? Like.. household chores, intimacy, hobbies you enjoy. Or is it mainly things that cost money? Usually the people I know who exhibit traits similiar to how you described your bf are selfish in other areas of the relationship. If the gf wants to visit friends, or spend time working on a hobby, her actions are made to seem unimportant and time consuming. Instead of encouraging her to enjoy life, he makes those endeavors seem frivolous. Yet at the same time he casts what he wants as a worthwhile endeavor, even if it costs more, or creates more hardship on the relationship. Slants the situation to benefit himself, not to benefit the relationship as a whole. Is that how you see your relationship? Or is it strickly the money side of things?
vonerik012 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 What a sense of entitlement. Calling the man she is supposed to love"cheap". And then using 400 dollar dinners as the example.
O'Malley Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 It's extremely smart to save and invest the majority of your income. However, surfboards and ski trips aren't any less superflous than expensive dining and movies. Definitely a pot, meet kettle situation. The OP's boyfriend would be fine dating a woman who purchases surfboards, ski equipment and real estate with her own money and the OP would be fine with a guy who enjoys the same movies and restaurants as her. They both can be as generous or pennypinching with their finances as they choose--what's wrong to have the tightfisted viewpoint that another person needs to be trained to manage their finances the same way they do.
HokeyReligions Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Just a thought and wanted advice on relationships and what is more important? I know I should be smarter with my money and all that, but I also like to have balance... I'd like to invest and think about my income more smartly than I do but also live life a bit and if I drop $400 on a great dinner out a few times a year, or go on a great holiday or just be silly with it sometimes... that's living and appreciating life to me. Don't get me wrong, money doesn't mean great experiences but I don't want to live my life bound to a mortgage either. So the question is - the guy I'm dating has 3 properties, his owner occupied house in a reasonably wanted suburb of Sydney plus 2 other investment houses in holiday areas. His life is about putting his money into the mortgages and that's it (we are in our 30's) Whilst I admire his dedication to financial security for the future, especially on the reasonably average wage he earns (above the average but not spectacular) shouldn't there be a balance of living life and worrying about what happens when you retire and you are 65???? His tight-ass'ness is really starting to bother me, he says you have to do it when you're young, which I kind of appreciate but what are you working for then? Shouldn't life be balanced all the times not just setting yourself up for retirement? It's really starting to send me to a point where I want to end it, I want to go to the movies and not wait for it to come out on DVD (it's cheaper that way!) and sometimes I want to spend it up and go away for a weekend, eat great food in a great environment and drinking great wine...not all the time, but sometimes. I like him, but it's driving me insane - I know I'm being a snob but really WTF? Where do you think living life begins and ends? There is no right or wrong here. I'm more like your bf. It sounds like you each have very different priorities. Best you find out now and each can look for someone with similar priorities that way you'll both be happy and not end up resenting each other and feeling like you've wasted your lives.
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I like someone who's fiscally responsible, living below their means but I can't stand cheapness. As another member has expressed, cheapness extends out to many other behaviours beyond cash. I've noticed a consistency in that when people are cheap, they tend also to be selfish in their ability to give emotionally. I tend to give more than receive. Something for me to work on. I need to adopt far more selfish behaviours, for my own well-being. As for your SO, OP, he's overextended himself, if he acquired three properties previous to the subprime lending real estate slump. Is it possible he's feeling the stress? The only way to avoid not being pinched badly, is to ensure his properties are always rented and in great shape. Otherwise, he's in deep kimchi of being upside down on his mortgages.
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 TBF, as a program note, when we were in Oz (3 times last year), the real estate market there was pretty stable. We talked a lot about the economy with our friends and found it to be robust and markedly different to what we're experiencing here in the US. I'd say, IMO, west Oz (Perth) was the most iffy of the places we visited.
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 You're right carhill. I didn't notice the OPs location and made the assumption that she was in the US. My apologies OP, for not verifying your location. I would still like to state that anything can put someone who's overextended, under. If these are houses, a new roof or other major maintenance item can bankrupt you. If it's a strata of any kind, for condos and townhomes, a major assessment can also kill you, if you haven't paid off sufficient on the principal amount, to warrant a second mortgage.
vonerik012 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Why is it usually women calling men cheap? I have found that often times women have security blankets. They can spend how they wish, because Daddy will always help. It isn't the same for men. Actually frugal women turn me on. And it is almost ALWAYS the women who refuse to pay for anything that are quick to point out "cheapness" in others.
vonerik012 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 OP's boyfriend asks her out to dinner. He takes her to a place, and spends $200. So is she pouting and complaining because the place was not good enough for her? He is cheap? You can't win with women that have this mentality. I flew a girlfriend to visit me, and spent $1400 on her ticket. Weeks later we had an argument, and she said that the ticket I bought her was "cheap" as the flight had a connection. I am thinking for $1400 I can spend a week in Europe. But to her, I was cutting corners and "cheap". I don't understand that mentality, and probably never will. I am grateful if someone spends 10 dollars on me.
Recommended Posts