Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 You don't seem interested in hearing that you may be as much to blame for the problem in the relationship as your bf. You defend your spending habits as a necessity to enjoy life. I don't believe any one suggested sitting on a couch watching tv your whole life... only that there are numerous ways to spend FAR less money on a meal then the way you've chosen to spend it. $400 is extremely expensive. Heck, my parents are stupid rich and they'd think it was ridiculous to spend that type of money on ONE meal. Its excessive. As far as I see it.. you like to spend huge chunks of money on two hours of entertainment, you don't invest well, and you resent that your bf makes you feel like you're being frivolous with money. So you accuse him of being too cheap and that HE is the one with a problem. You see nothing wrong with your behavior. Therefore, there is nothing to talk to you about unless we all agree that you're right and your bf is a cheap azz bastard who is being unfair to you. Nah, if you go back to my original posts I said I spend that money maybe twice a year... that's my buzz... What is wrong with my behaviour??? I want to go to the movies once or twice a month and splash out on a meal sometimes??? Forgive me (yes that was sarcastic) and I pay for it!!!! I don't see anything wrong with my behaviour - I like a balance between socialising and being responsible financially and NO I don't want to spend my life watching television on the lounge 365 days a year in my McMansion at the loss of everything else. That's consumerism gone mad.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 For me, I LOVE my job and I am happier there than anywhere else. Me too! On those occasions where I do need a break from work, I cna still find a million activities that cost at most $40. Usually those are the type of activities that last several hours. Not just 1 or 2 hours. Sometimes I do splurge. I bought a mountain bike several years ago for $250 bucks. Its still in great shape, I've ridden it all over the state, costs me nothing but the initial investment. I bought a new laptop last year ($600), and I own a fantastic guitar that I love playing ($150). Nothing I've purchased has ever cost $200 an hour to enjoy. And meals to me aren't about the food, its about the company. I go out to spend time with friends or family. Its a time to sit, relax and talk with people I love. Its not about what food they bring me, or how upscale the restuarant is. I don't place stock in the material aspect of the place, but in the emotional/mental enjoyment I get from the people I'm with.
havoc Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 There is something to be said for being thrifty, sure! But, if you can afford the expensive dinners every now and then, go for it! I love great food and wine too, but sadly, I gave up my career to go back to school. A student's budget sucks. I wasn't making mad money or anything, but I was comfortable. I do rather enjoy living more frugally -- I have discovered some GREAT restaurants that way. Perhaps you and your guy can do that too? Cheap, hole-in-the-walls have some of the best food, you just have to seek them out. I think missing out on what's out there is a crime, if you can afford it. My parents are like this -- I think they want to die with their money in hand. They saved every penny for retirement, though my father made very good money. When I hit hard times several years ago, they wouldn't even loan me money for the $40 electric bill. They are THAT tight-fisted. PS I only had a $400 meal once for my birthday, when my rich friends took me out to eat!
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Nah, if you go back to my original posts I said I spend that money maybe twice a year... that's my buzz... What is wrong with my behaviour??? I want to go to the movies once or twice a month and splash out on a meal sometimes??? Forgive me (yes that was sarcastic) and I pay for it!!!! I don't see anything wrong with my behaviour - I like a balance between socialising and being responsible financially and NO I don't want to spend my life watching television on the lounge 365 days a year in my McMansion at the loss of everything else. That's consumerism gone mad. I didn't say you did want to spend it at McMansion all year. I'm saying your outings are far more money then most people would ever feel comfortable spending even once a year. If you pay for it, then why do you care if you're bf saves his money? What bothers you about it then? If he wants to save up and watch DVDs, but goes out with you when you pay, then what's the issue? I guess that's what I'm not understanding. Does he stop you from going out?
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Well, I thought I already answered that question. No I don't consider myself cheap or a "tightass." I'm frugal and thrifty, remember? I'm the same way about food as you are but no way in hell would I spend that on a dinner for two, even though we could afford it. We go out and treat ourselves occasionally. But mostly I like to buy the better ingredients and meats/seafood, etc. and cook it myself. It's usually just as good if not better and I get bigger portions! I stopped buying sushi (to give you an example) or ordering it out years ago. I make my own. As for you and your b/f, I don't think he has a right to tell you how to spend your own money. Are you living together? If you are, I might change my answer. Otherwise he shouldn't have a say. But having said that, I think you really should try to reach a compromise because money issues are one of the top things that break couples up. thanks for having a sense of humour.... as for making your own sushi, I say break out touche and buy it sometimes, if you like great food at home then why don't you appreciate a great meal when it's cooked for you? No matter the price?
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 $400 dollars for a dinner?!? Your bf is still too cheap, as far as I'm concerned but I do have to concur on this one thing - I wouldn't ever pay $400 for a dinner for 2 people, and I wouldn't want anyone else to pay that, either. That's pretty over-the-top. But being cheap about going to the movies vs. renting is getting too nit-picky for me.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I LOVE my job and I am happier there than anywhere else. Me too! Sure you do... keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it some day.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Sure you do... keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it some day. haha... I'm unemployed. I was being facetious. I played video games for 2 hours yesterday, read a book, took a walk with my dog, and sat in the shade watching humming birds drink. It was pretty enjoyable. p.s. Didn't cost me a single dollar out of my pocket yesterday.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 thanks for having a sense of humour.... as for making your own sushi, I say break out touche and buy it sometimes, if you like great food at home then why don't you appreciate a great meal when it's cooked for you? No matter the price? It may be the "no matter what the price" idea that your bf has a problem. Hell I'd have a problem with that too. Prices matter especially with gas prices. He may think you just throw away money (which it kind of sounds like you) with no regard to how it could be put to better use. That's not being cheap or thrifty, it's being realistic.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 400 bucks on a dinner ? what are you eating ? MM, a mid-level restaurant in NYC, if you don't BYO and pay corkage, will run 200pp for dinner with champagne and wine (reasonable selections). She did say "special" occasions. I agree about the balance and about the couple being on the same page. I love to travel so I save my nickels and find great deals and spend my discretionary income on experiencing new cultures around the world. Nothing like buying fresh-made sushi in a subway basement food court in Osaka or Tokyo Everyone's priorities are different. It sounds like the OP and her dating partner have vastly different priorities. Personally, I think, if she was "the one" for him, he wouldn't be so rigid with her (of course we're only hearing one side here). Also, there is the reality of history re-written. I've heard a lot lately that "we don't go out much" (we go "out" around 3 times a month for a significant meal or movie) but I heard the same thing back when I'd fly my wife to Australia or Europe for a concert or to see friends. It really didn't matter what actually happened because the "feeling" was still there that we were always stuck at home. The re-write is "I didn't think we could afford it and didn't really want to go, but went along with your decision". I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in MC. Let's hope the OP is being honest with herself and us here. A healthy relationship is borne on honesty.
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Me too! On those occasions where I do need a break from work, I cna still find a million activities that cost at most $40. Usually those are the type of activities that last several hours. Not just 1 or 2 hours. Sometimes I do splurge. I bought a mountain bike several years ago for $250 bucks. Its still in great shape, I've ridden it all over the state, costs me nothing but the initial investment. I bought a new laptop last year ($600), and I own a fantastic guitar that I love playing ($150). Nothing I've purchased has ever cost $200 an hour to enjoy. And meals to me aren't about the food, its about the company. I go out to spend time with friends or family. Its a time to sit, relax and talk with people I love. Its not about what food they bring me, or how upscale the restuarant is. I don't place stock in the material aspect of the place, but in the emotional/mental enjoyment I get from the people I'm with. Some people like to spend $400 on a great dress, some people spend $400 on a fun weekend, she likes to spend it on a great restaurant. That's her thing. I have never been to a restaurant that costs that much but for the nice restaurants that I've been to where it can cost around $150 - $200 a couple, the food is exquisite and it is quite an experience. I'm not so into that that I'd spend $400 but if that's her thing, then she has every right to do it because it gives her a lot of pleasure and she appreciates it. The point to all of this is that she and her bf do not see eye-to-eye on the money issue and this is not something they're going to be able to compromise on because it's more than the $400 meal that he's opposed to. It's smaller things and these things will create a huge rift between them. She's not being spoiled and her bf isn't being an ass. It's simple - they're not compatible. I commend her for recognizing that.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 thanks for having a sense of humour.... as for making your own sushi, I say break out touche and buy it sometimes, if you like great food at home then why don't you appreciate a great meal when it's cooked for you? No matter the price? But the sushi you get out is expensive and you don't even get that much. Oh and I absolutely DO love a great meal out. My H and I do treat ourselves. I'm not saying we don't. It's just that we don't do it all the time. Angel, about the movie thing. I don't not rent DVD's because I'm too cheap. I just have no interest in it. I don't like going to the movies either. I prefer to watch movies at home. We don't have the cheapest satellite package. In fact we have the most expensive one. The one with all the movie channels. So I get to see all the movies right at home whenever I feel like it. It's just my preference. I guess I'm picky about what our money goes towards. Some things are more important than other things. If I were really cheap, we'd have the cheapest Satellite package.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Sure you do... keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it some day. Possibly you're just jealous that I love my job...and I make good money to boot? Sorry I enjoy what I do.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Some people like to spend $400 on a great dress, some people spend $400 on a fun weekend, she likes to spend it on a great restaurant. That's her thing. I have never been to a restaurant that costs that much but for the nice restaurants that I've been to where it can cost around $150 - $200 a couple, the food is exquisite and it is quite an experience. I'm not so into that that I'd spend $400 but if that's her thing, then she has every right to do it because it gives her a lot of pleasure and she appreciates it. The point to all of this is that she and her bf do not see eye-to-eye on the money issue and this is not something they're going to be able to compromise on because it's more than the $400 meal that he's opposed to. It's smaller things and these things will create a huge rift between them. She's not being spoiled and her bf isn't being an ass. It's simple - they're not compatible. I commend her for recognizing that. Well said, I agree with that completely. The two of you have different spending habits so there may be some conflict over money issues. You have to come to some sort of compromise if you want to make your relationship work. If you really care about each other and it's important for you two to work things out then you need to come up with a happy medium. If you can't, then maybe the two of you just aren't meant to be.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 The point to all of this is that she and her bf do not see eye-to-eye on the money issue and this is not something they're going to be able to compromise on because it's more than the $400 meal that he's opposed to. It's smaller things and these things will create a huge rift between them. She's not being spoiled and her bf isn't being an ass. It's simple - they're not compatible. I commend her for recognizing that. If that were the case, then she would acknowledge the posts that address this. She seems to want to bash her bf for his cheapness and not see how her behavior contributes to the problem. Basically, what I'm hearing is she wants HIM to change while she continues living life exactly as she wants. She can live it however she see's fit... but she needs to realize that if she wants to stay with her bf then comprimises need to be made from her side as well. NOT just his. If she has no desire to comprimise, then she needs to end the relationship. Things won't change. I really don't care how much she spends on dinners. I'm floored a dinner can cost that much, but if she has the money, then more power to her. I think it's great she's able to do that. HOWEVER... not so great that she's placing all blame for the problem at her bf's feet, and dismissing any posts on here about how she could potentially work around those issues. That's what bothers me about her posts.
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Sure you do... keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it some day. Donald Trump says that there is nothing he loves more than his work. When he goes on 'vacation', he makes sure he goes to one of his hotels so that his family can enjoy themselves, but he can also get work done. He gets totally bored with other things because he finds them trivial. There are people who really love what they do and that's all they care about. When people marry people like this, they will need to be understanding about that.
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 yep. There's got to be a happy medium for the both of you, where he's not horrified at the thought of dropping $30 for a nice meal for y'all – because a $30 meal once a month isn't going to push back the dream of a home – and where you figure out that while it's enjoyable to pay that $400 for a meal, in the economic long run, it just doesn't pay off no matter HOW much fun it was to spend that money. Balance is the key. your original question, "Does cheapness in your SO bother you?" Only if they are jackasses about it. My ex was notoriously cheap, but pissed his money away on things he didn't need. On my 21st birthday, he offered to take me to a nice steakhouse in town, so I asked my sister for recommendations that weren't too pricey. I ordered my steak, BF says, "you're legal now, get a drink. Go on, get a drink." I'm really not a drinker, but I figured what the heck, you only turn 21 once. So I get my amaretto sour, he has a couple of drinks himself ... and when the bill came, he pitched a fit because of the price tag on the drinks. I should have called him out, but I didn't because nice little me felt guilty ... and that hung over me still by the time I got to dating my husband. Who, I'm glad to say, doesn't mind splurging if that extra money is available. And he's very generous at that – if we go out to an expensive restaurant (i.e., the bill tallies $40 for the both of us, no drinks), he insists that I order whatever I want, cost is not a problem. And I love that about him, that I'm not made feel guilty for ordering something. And I'm fine with needing to hold off on doing things like eating out or going places because we need to save up the money to fix the plumbing, fix the car, pay a dental bill, etc. Because there's a balance we try to maintain.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Donald Trump says that there is nothing he loves more than his work. When he goes on 'vacation', he makes sure he goes to one of his hotels so that his family can enjoy themselves, but he can also get work done. He gets totally bored with other things because he finds them trivial. There are people who really love what they do and that's all they care about. When people marry people like this, they will need to be understanding about that. Thank you...and I truly believe people like this can find extreme happiness & success in both love & their career. Passion about someone's career to me is an very attractive quality.
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 If that were the case, then she would acknowledge the posts that address this. She seems to want to bash her bf for his cheapness and not see how her behavior contributes to the problem. Basically, what I'm hearing is she wants HIM to change while she continues living life exactly as she wants. She can live it however she see's fit... but she needs to realize that if she wants to stay with her bf then comprimises need to be made from her side as well. NOT just his. If she has no desire to comprimise, then she needs to end the relationship. Things won't change. I really don't care how much she spends on dinners. I'm floored a dinner can cost that much, but if she has the money, then more power to her. I think it's great she's able to do that. HOWEVER... not so great that she's placing all blame for the problem at her bf's feet, and dismissing any posts on here about how she could potentially work around those issues. That's what bothers me about her posts. I didn't get the impression at all that she was bashing her bf. It sounded more to me like she was pointing out their differences and stating that she wasn't sure things would work out between them because of those differences.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I didn't get the impression at all that she was bashing her bf. It sounded more to me like she was pointing out their differences and stating that she wasn't sure things would work out between them because of those differences. Maybe bashing isn't the right word. But take Touche's post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1774029&postcount=31. Touche says: "I think you really should try to reach a compromise because money issues are one of the top things that break couples up". And Rosalie's comment to all that is that Touche really needs to spend the money for someone else to bring her the fish. Nothing about comprimise, or wanting to work out differences. Same goes for every reply Rosalie has made to posts in her thread. NOthing related to how she can comprimise with her bf. Only that she enjoys spending the money, and its well worth it to her.
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 If that were the case, then she would acknowledge the posts that address this. She seems to want to bash her bf for his cheapness and not see how her behavior contributes to the problem. Basically, what I'm hearing is she wants HIM to change while she continues living life exactly as she wants. She can live it however she see's fit... but she needs to realize that if she wants to stay with her bf then comprimises need to be made from her side as well. NOT just his. If she has no desire to comprimise, then she needs to end the relationship. Things won't change. I really don't care how much she spends on dinners. I'm floored a dinner can cost that much, but if she has the money, then more power to her. I think it's great she's able to do that. HOWEVER... not so great that she's placing all blame for the problem at her bf's feet, and dismissing any posts on here about how she could potentially work around those issues. That's what bothers me about her posts. Thanks to all for the comments, good and bad, I didn't mean to start such an emotive topic... Walk.. you are right it seems I have bashed by bf on many levels, I acknowledge I might be a little OTT sometimes however though if you want to hear the nitty gritty - when he doesn't want to see The Dark Knight at the movies now, which will cost us $20 (without popcorn) as we can rent it on a Tuesday night on DVD for $3 in 6 months I start to wonder if this guy is too tight? I made an error with focusing on the $400 dinner, which I still stand by in that I like to do it 2-3 times a year (it's my buzz and I pay but I have to listen to whining afterwards) my usual weekend is walking my dog and hanging at my friends houses' but he buys surfboards and snowboards and spends $1,000 on snow lift tickets so my twice a year $400 dinner should seem not so bad huh? Not too tight for him but too tight for me? Yep, I should get out....
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 And he's very generous at that – if we go out to an expensive restaurant (i.e., the bill tallies $40 for the both of us, no drinks), he insists that I order whatever I want, cost is not a problem. You just hit on a great point, and the reason why cheapness bothers a lot of people. From what I've observed, usually cheapness indicates a lack of generosity. I'm not talking about people who can't afford things and hold back because of that - that's just smart not to keep digging a hole for yourself. I'm talking about people who can afford things but they're still cheap. Usually, they aren't generous people or they have a lot of fears about money. If you're not of that same mind-set, this can really cause problems. I think the exception to this, though, are people from what I refer to as the 'Depression Generation' - like my parents. That generation went through a horrible time. So horrible that they never, ever forgot what it was like to nearly starve, or not know where food was going to come from, or money. Most of us today cannot even conceive of this time period but it had a HUGE impact on those who grew up in it. I don't consider these people cheap or ungenerous. As my parents used to say, "They came from the school of Hard Knocks."
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I didn't get the impression at all that she was bashing her bf. It sounded more to me like she was pointing out their differences and stating that she wasn't sure things would work out between them because of those differences. It CAN work...it depends how accepting she is willing to be of it. My boyfriend and I have a very different attitude and feeling about both money & our jobs but we work just fine.
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I made an error with focusing on the $400 dinner, which I still stand by in that I like to do it 2-3 times a year (it's my buzz and I pay but I have to listen to whining afterwards) my usual weekend is walking my dog and hanging at my friends houses' but he buys surfboards and snowboards and spends $1,000 on snow lift tickets so my twice a year $400 dinner should seem not so bad huh? Not too tight for him but too tight for me? Yep, I should get out.... Yes, this dichotomy will prove to be very unhealthy IMO. He fails to recognize the similarity between his extravagance on "lift tickets" (I presume for he and you) and you buying him an expensive dinner a couple times a year, not to mention his indulgence in toys of his own. I know plenty of guys who buy the latest toys (big ticket stuff) for themselves yet complain when their wives buy a couple pairs of shoes and a dress. That's cr@p, IMO. OP, does your BF keep a low profile or does he exhibit "tall poppy" behaviors?
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 And Rosalie's comment to all that is that Touche really needs to spend the money for someone else to bring her the fish. Nothing about comprimise, or wanting to work out differences. Same goes for every reply Rosalie has made to posts in her thread. NOthing related to how she can comprimise with her bf. Only that she enjoys spending the money, and its well worth it to her. Chill out walk, it was a tongue in cheek response to touche's sushi post and I would hope touche will take it for the spirit it was meant. You and touche are obviously friends and I respect your support... we can agree to disagree I would hope. If you want hear the boring background about how I've attempted to compromise with the bf I could bore you to tears away from this board... this post wasn't a reaction it was made from months of desperation and attempts to work it out, I have made compromise like you wouldn't believe...seriously. I have been living his life for 6 months and I have had enough. It really was made out of pure desperation to make it work - why would I bother to post it otherwise?
Recommended Posts