rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Just a thought and wanted advice on relationships and what is more important? I know I should be smarter with my money and all that, but I also like to have balance... I'd like to invest and think about my income more smartly than I do but also live life a bit and if I drop $400 on a great dinner out a few times a year, or go on a great holiday or just be silly with it sometimes... that's living and appreciating life to me. Don't get me wrong, money doesn't mean great experiences but I don't want to live my life bound to a mortgage either. So the question is - the guy I'm dating has 3 properties, his owner occupied house in a reasonably wanted suburb of Sydney plus 2 other investment houses in holiday areas. His life is about putting his money into the mortgages and that's it (we are in our 30's) Whilst I admire his dedication to financial security for the future, especially on the reasonably average wage he earns (above the average but not spectacular) shouldn't there be a balance of living life and worrying about what happens when you retire and you are 65???? His tight-ass'ness is really starting to bother me, he says you have to do it when you're young, which I kind of appreciate but what are you working for then? Shouldn't life be balanced all the times not just setting yourself up for retirement? It's really starting to send me to a point where I want to end it, I want to go to the movies and not wait for it to come out on DVD (it's cheaper that way!) and sometimes I want to spend it up and go away for a weekend, eat great food in a great environment and drinking great wine...not all the time, but sometimes. I like him, but it's driving me insane - I know I'm being a snob but really WTF? Where do you think living life begins and ends?
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Lots of guys like are like this, they save up for the future and forget to live for the day. You do have to have a balance between both. When that day comes when he's got enough money I wonder if it's going to be all that it's cracked up to be... somehow I doubt it. He'll probably want more.
Stockalone Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Either way, you will have to decide what is important to you. In case that your and his expectations don't match, you might simply be incompatible. Who knows, he might think that spending 400$ on a dinner is a total waste of money. So you either have to make compromises that are acceptable for the both of you or you need to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Just curious, but do you make your own money? Do you expect him to pay all of the time or do you contribute to your dates? Personally, I love a guy like that. I would have never chosen a man who was fiscally irresponsible. Your man sounds like a winner to me. But I do see your point about wanting to enjoy the fruits of your labor a bit too. That's why I asked if you work and contribute to the dates. It's not right to expect him to pay for everything.
Woggle Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You can live well and still not spend a whole lot of money. You just need to know where to look. Most expensive restaurants have crappy food and tiny portions anyway. You get one piece of chicken covered in some creamy butter sauce with a spoonful of cavier on the side and that is supposed to be luxury dining. I would rather have a woman who can enjoy a great meal at a neighborhood joint that costs thirty bucks for the both of us.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You can live well and still not spend a whole lot of money. You just need to know where to look. Most expensive restaurants have crappy food and tiny portions anyway. You get one piece of chicken covered in some creamy butter sauce with a spoonful of cavier on the side and that is supposed to be luxury dining. I would rather have a woman who can enjoy a great meal at a neighborhood joint that costs thirty bucks for the both of us. That was funny! It's true though. What's with the ridiculously small portions?
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Don't get me wrong, money doesn't mean great experiences but I don't want to live my life bound to a mortgage either. I think money can mean exactly that - great experiences. Cheapness is a total deal-breaker with me. I can't stand it. If this is bugging you now, this guy is the wrong guy for you because it'll really drive you nuts later - and don't expect him to change. I was married to someone like this and when I wanted to do the simpliest things, it turned into a major discussion. If I wanted to go out to dinner, I was told I "expect too much out of life." We made a good combined income so it wasn't like I was wanting to do something we couldn't afford to do. I do admire the way your bf is responsible with his money, but he's too much into it. The truth is, the little things that you and I consider enjoyment of life, he doesn't care about because it makes him happier to save the money. Some people are ok with making lots of sacrifices and it doesn't bug them, but to me day-to-day life should be enjoyed, too. A great example of someone who understands how to handle money and have fun with it is a friend of mine. He owns a company and is extremely resonsible with money. But, at the same time, he has no problem spending a chunk on a nice dinner every now and then. He took me out to dinner once and asked me about a particular restaurant. I said it was really nice but it was very expensive. He said, "That's ok. I've got money." End of conversation. There is a such thing as someone who's smart with money and knows how to enjoy it. Your bf isn't one of these people. On a sidenote, if you want to learn to handle your own finances better, I would suggest doing something that I started doing. I hired a bookkeeper to keep track of things for me and I meet with her twice a month to discuss what to do with my upcoming paycheck. I finally had to admit that I'm an idiot with money because I honestly can't stand dealing with it. This lady keeps me on track. Bookkeepers are so inexpensive and with what you learn from them and the mistakes you'll stop making, they are well worth every single dime. I haven't been doing this for very long but I have already learned so much that I now wish I had thought of this 20 yrs ago. As far as your bf is concerned, I can save you the pain. This won't change and you won't ever be ok with it.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I know I should be smarter with my money and all that, but I also like to have balance... I'd like to invest and think about my income more smartly than I do but also live life a bit and if I drop $400 on a great dinner out a few times a year, or go on a great holiday or just be silly with it sometimes... that's living and appreciating life to me. $400 dollars for a dinner?!? You're right about life being about balance. But it seems to me that both of you are on either side of the spectrum. Neither of you have much balance. You spend (IMO) excessive amounts for a meal, while he sounds too tight with his money. I think both of you need to come a little closer to center (Not just him). Maybe if you and your bf could set up a budget that incorporated play activities in it then you could still get that sense of "living life", while he can feel more secure with the spending. If its budgeted in, then he might be more willing to splurg for a weekend trip because he already knows the money has been set aside. You'll have to drop down a couple levels as far as costs go, but it might get him to come up a few levels toward spending the money. And if both of you can find a happy medium, one where you're both fairly comfortable, then it might stop the demise of the relationship. Relationships are about comprimise, find one that works for your relationship.
Cheshire Cat Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 While I admire people who are financially responsible and I find it very mature to put your future financial stability over a very expensive holiday, I find it very sad to own three houses and to save up on dates to the extent of waiting for interesting movies to come out in DVD.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 My boyfriend is cheap (likes to conserve electricity, gas, ect). But he is always up for going out to dinner and things like that. He doesn't mind going out to a restaurant and dropping 50 bucks on a dinner, as I feel the same way. We do try to conserve our money though, not going out to expensive dinners or bars constantly. I do think you need to have a balance, I mean it is good to want to save money and be smart but it's nice to go out once in awhile too. 400 bucks is a lot of money on a dinner, even someone who isn't cheap probably thinks that is a lot!!! Maybe you want to live TOO extravagently, therefore his "conserving money" seems like cheapness to you. Just an observation.
Woggle Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 That is a bit much. I have no issue going to the movies but no way I am spending 400 dollars on a dinner. No meal is that good.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 While I admire people who are financially responsible and I find it very mature to put your future financial stability over a very expensive holiday, I find it very sad to own three houses and to save up on dates to the extent of waiting for interesting movies to come out in DVD. We also own rental investment property. And yeah, I wait for movies to come out on my satellite. What's so sad about it? I told a friend of mine recently that we don't even have a DVD player (except for the one on my laptop.) We have no need for one. But then we do take trips and treat ourselves within reason. We just both have a vision for our future and we're getting ready for that now.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Also, I just wanted to say that people who like to conserve gas, electricity, etc. aren't necessarily "cheap." I prefer the term "frugal" myself.
Cheshire Cat Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 What's so sad about it? Absolutely nothing, as long as you treat yourselves within reason which I assumed not being rosalie's case.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Just a thought and wanted advice on relationships and what is more important? I know I should be smarter with my money and all that, but I also like to have balance... I'd like to invest and think about my income more smartly than I do but also live life a bit and if I drop $400 on a great dinner out a few times a year, or go on a great holiday or just be silly with it sometimes... that's living and appreciating life to me. Don't get me wrong, money doesn't mean great experiences but I don't want to live my life bound to a mortgage either. So the question is - the guy I'm dating has 3 properties, his owner occupied house in a reasonably wanted suburb of Sydney plus 2 other investment houses in holiday areas. His life is about putting his money into the mortgages and that's it (we are in our 30's) Whilst I admire his dedication to financial security for the future, especially on the reasonably average wage he earns (above the average but not spectacular) shouldn't there be a balance of living life and worrying about what happens when you retire and you are 65???? His tight-ass'ness is really starting to bother me, he says you have to do it when you're young, which I kind of appreciate but what are you working for then? Shouldn't life be balanced all the times not just setting yourself up for retirement? It's really starting to send me to a point where I want to end it, I want to go to the movies and not wait for it to come out on DVD (it's cheaper that way!) and sometimes I want to spend it up and go away for a weekend, eat great food in a great environment and drinking great wine...not all the time, but sometimes. I like him, but it's driving me insane - I know I'm being a snob but really WTF? Where do you think living life begins and ends? There is nothing wrong investing your money into real estate. It's not like he's putting it into drugs or anything... I'm 26 and I own a home outside of NYC and I am already looking into buying a vacation home in Florida. Everyone has different priorities in how they want to spend their money. I don't go out to eat at nice restaurants or go to bars or shop the way I used to- I put my money into real estate. It doesn't mean I am cheap...it just means that's what I have an interest in. Personally, it's a very mature way of thinking. Maybe you don't want to spend your life bound to mortgage but hell, it's a lot better than renting all your life...b/c at least there is a chance you can make money on your investments.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Also, I just wanted to say that people who like to conserve gas, electricity, etc. aren't necessarily "cheap." I prefer the term "frugal" myself. Or "thrifty." That doesn't sound as bad as the other two!
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Or "thrifty." That doesn't sound as bad as the other two! Yes, exactly! Because I'd never describe myself or my H as cheap but we are frugal and thrifty.
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks everyone! Touche - I do make my own money, in fact I make more than him, so no I don't expect him to pay for the $400 meal -I have and do pay for it, I just don't want to be hearing about it for the next month and how we could have just as good as meal at home, as we can't, it's a different experience. I want him to relax (since I'm paying) and enjoy it no matter the price. Yep, I can cook but it's also about going out and eating great food at the right restaurants... and yep not every expensive restaurant is a rip off, food is my thing I am a mad cook and live to eat not eat to live but I also love to eat a great meal from quality ingredients that is cooked beautifully Angel, thank you, it is about balance and it does bug me now and it won't change. I am not a snob we just enjoy different things. I don't think owning a house should take precedence over experiencing life whether it's a meal or the movies or a picnic or whatever. I don't want to spend my whole life sitting on a couch watching TV as it saves money and pays the mortgage??? Where is the enjoyment in that?
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks everyone! Touche - I do make my own money, in fact I make more than him, so no I don't expect him to pay for the $400 meal -I have and do pay for it, I just don't want to be hearing about it for the next month and how we could have just as good as meal at home, as we can't, it's a different experience. I want him to relax (since I'm paying) and enjoy it no matter the price. Yep, I can cook but it's also about going out and eating great food at the right restaurants... and yep not every expensive restaurant is a rip off, food is my thing I am a mad cook and live to eat not eat to live but I also love to eat a great meal from quality ingredients that is cooked beautifully Angel, thank you, it is about balance and it does bug me now and it won't change. I am not a snob we just enjoy different things. I don't think owning a house should take precedence over experiencing life whether it's a meal or the movies or a picnic or whatever. I don't want to spend my whole life sitting on a couch watching TV as it saves money and pays the mortgage??? Where is the enjoyment in that? I work 12-13 hours days and I own a house, as well as I mentioned, looking to buy in Florida. I spend all my time working & researching real estate. I have a great boyfriend, amazing family & awesome friends. I am extremely happy in my life. For you to say it's not enjoyable to own a house, that's your opinion. I am so happy with my decision...and f', there are not many 26 year olds who own homes in NY and also vacation homes. I do go out & do things, ok not as much as I used to, but my life is far from miserable.
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Actually touche - do you consider yourself a tightass?
Author rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I'm not saying owning a house is not enjoyable, I own my apartment... I'm questioning if it's the be all and end all - if it's worth giving up other social activities for???
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I don't think owning a house should take precedence over experiencing life whether it's a meal or the movies or a picnic or whatever. I don't want to spend my whole life sitting on a couch watching TV as it saves money and pays the mortgage??? You don't seem interested in hearing that you may be as much to blame for the problem in the relationship as your bf. You defend your spending habits as a necessity to enjoy life. I don't believe any one suggested sitting on a couch watching tv your whole life... only that there are numerous ways to spend FAR less money on a meal then the way you've chosen to spend it. $400 is extremely expensive. Heck, my parents are stupid rich and they'd think it was ridiculous to spend that type of money on ONE meal. Its excessive. As far as I see it.. you like to spend huge chunks of money on two hours of entertainment, you don't invest well, and you resent that your bf makes you feel like you're being frivolous with money. So you accuse him of being too cheap and that HE is the one with a problem. You see nothing wrong with your behavior. Therefore, there is nothing to talk to you about unless we all agree that you're right and your bf is a cheap azz bastard who is being unfair to you.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I do but also live life a bit and if I drop $400 on a great dinner out a few times a year Ok, Spending 400 dollars on a dinner is just dumb. I mean, I have the most awesome dinners ever where I live for like 7 to 10 dollars. Indian dinners, Mexican dinners, Thai dinners, Italian dinners, in pretty nice places. The only way to pay 400 dollars for a dinner is if you have so much money that you can't possible spend it in a lifetime, then maybe. But yeah, paying for "time" to me is the best investment. Say, vacation time, time out, just time to be free to do what you want and not be working all the time.
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Ok, Spending 400 dollars on a dinner is just dumb. I mean, I have the most awesome dinners ever where I live for like 7 to 10 dollars. Indian dinners, Mexican dinners, Thai dinners, Italian dinners, in pretty nice places. The only way to pay 400 dollars for a dinner is if you have so much money that you can't possible spend it in a lifetime, then maybe. But yeah, paying for "time" to me is the best investment. Say, vacation time, time out, just time to be free to do what you want and not be working all the time. But for some, work is enjoyable time. For me, I LOVE my job and I am happier there than anywhere else. It's all a matter of opinion how you prefer to spend your time & what you consider enjoyable & what you don't. I would prefer to work, than go out to dinner, get drunk, shop or sit on a beach anyday.
Touche Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Actually touche - do you consider yourself a tightass? Well, I thought I already answered that question. No I don't consider myself cheap or a "tightass." I'm frugal and thrifty, remember? I'm the same way about food as you are but no way in hell would I spend that on a dinner for two, even though we could afford it. We go out and treat ourselves occasionally. But mostly I like to buy the better ingredients and meats/seafood, etc. and cook it myself. It's usually just as good if not better and I get bigger portions! I stopped buying sushi (to give you an example) or ordering it out years ago. I make my own. As for you and your b/f, I don't think he has a right to tell you how to spend your own money. Are you living together? If you are, I might change my answer. Otherwise he shouldn't have a say. But having said that, I think you really should try to reach a compromise because money issues are one of the top things that break couples up.
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