flosslight Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I have always been an advocate of doing what feels right for you. For me, that meant I wanted to be friends with my ex-fiancé. I was the dumpee and could not take it at first. Later, I reasoned that I wanted this man in my life for my whole life so might as well take him as a friend. We tried a couple of times but it failed usually because he was stupid about boundaries. For example, calling on Valentine's Day but not realizing it was Valentine's Day. We were back on doing the friend thing and it was going okay, but there was too much touching (mostly him) and too much talking about the break up on my part. The day that he broke up with me came up. I was filling out a form and thought "Wow it is the 21st". 8 months ago he broke up with me. It was cool because I was not ecstatic that I forgot the date like I had been and I was not crying. It was just another day. Apparently my brain decided I was well enough to deal with the stuff that was being kept in storage. By the end of the day, I was bawling my eyes out. All the stuff I said in the very beginning of the break up was all true. We could never be friends. I was and still am in love with him. He does not want me. That hurts. I also know that we can not go back to each other. It is really hard to accept that you love someone but can never be with that person. So for the first time, I want no contact because of me completely. There is no worry about what he feels. It no longer matters. It is about my self preservation. I still have slight longing to see him or call him but nothing like what I felt before. It is just weird to me that I honestly do not want to ever see him again.
Chinook Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Time tends to change how you feel about that person I think. Your brain only lets you deal with so much pain along the way. One of those strategies we thinks works in dealing with pain is being friends with the ex-partner/SO. The thing is, it rarely works immediately because there is usually too much pain to get over, too many issues and I think you end up with a burning bridge in most cases because sooner or later one or the other, walk away. There's nothing wrong with that. I think in those relationships where there is space in the initial breakup phase, unless there are deep personality issues/abuse etc, it is possible to be friends with an ex as long as one or the other has no agenda. I think what you're feeling now is simply pain and healing. Further down the road, you may well reach a point where you can be friends with him. The danger in that is, he may well flip and want you back (that's what I've seen happen alot here at LS). So I think the NC route and what helps you heal is really a judgement call from here on out. If my ex who dumped me a year ago ever got in touch with me, I'd be surprised. I'd also be suspicious because of the things which happened, so I'd likely not respond to him, no matter how much I cared about him.
Author flosslight Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I hate the fact that I spelled weird wrong! I spell check my posts but that still slipped by. We did have space after the initial break up. We would end up seeing each other about once a month because of mutual friends. We did not really hang out until recently. I disagree though. I always wanted to be one of those people who could be friends with their ex. I felt like it was a maturity thing. It would not be easy but we could be friends. I realized I don't have to do it. I do not want to be his friend. It makes me sad in a way but in this case I do not think being friends with my ex is a viable option.
Recommended Posts