Unrequited Love - My current personal struggle

[nthatguyb]

Hey to everyone here. I'm new. Forgive me if I do anything stupid or incorrectly.

 

I have a problem (as do most people here), and I was wondering if anybody has any advice. Forgive me, it's kind of difficult to write about this. Sorry for the length, I want to try to give all the information I can, keep everyone as fully informed as possible.

 

About 5 months ago, I attended a birthday party of a friend of a friend's (sorry if that made no sense). While I was there, I met a girl, who shall remain nameless (for her sake). She and I were both in the same pickle: we only had one friend there, and we didn't know anyone else.

So I began talking to her, and we began conversation. It went for the rest of the party. We talked about everything under the sun: movies, music, television, books. And the thing is that she and I had the exact same taste in all those subjects.

So the conversation became more deep: we began discussing previous boyfriends/girlfriends (she had just recently become single after dating someone on-and-off for 2 years/I had been in one relationship for 9 months during my first year in high school). Then we began talking about our personality traits, and our flaws. We began discussing our futures, in terms of education (she had applied to the same college I had, which I found incredibly exciting). By the end of this, we had concluded that we were pretty much exactly alike in every way. And we both thought this was great.

So we exchanged contact information, and left the party.

 

The next night, we began talking on AIM. And the night after, and the night after. We began talking to each other on AIM for almost every night for the next few months. She and I really connected, and she became one of my best friends (she informed me that I was one of hers, as well). I talked to her about my problems, and she told me her problems, as well. We became completely trusting in one another, and it was more than I could ever ask for. Hell, I even brought up the idea of going to prom with one another (because nobody would go with me), and she seemed very excited about the prospect (because nothing's better than going to prom with one of your best friends); unfortunately, I had to cancel almost immediately because I found out just too late that I would not be in town on prom night (I apologized vehemently, she forgave vehemently).

And the best part of it was, I didn't have any romantic feelings for her (and I don't believe she did with me).

 

We discussed getting together and "hanging out" at some point, but one gaping problem was that she and I lived an hour away from one another, which kind of made things inconvenient. But we were definitely intent on seeing each other again, and we became excited whenever we discussed this.

 

She finally was accepted to another college (not the one I was going to), and she decided she was going to attend there. I was a little sad, because I thought that if we went to the same college, our friendship would evolve from chatting on AIM most nights to being able to see each other and hold conversations face-to-face. But we decided that AIM was good enough.

 

Finally, the time came for us to get together. I drove over to her house, an hour away, and our plan was to go see the new Indiana Jones movie (say what you want about it) and have late-night fast food for dinner (it was something she always wanted to try out).

And we did this, and we had a great time.

But it was in that moment that I discovered feelings for her. I realized that she was not only incredibly beautiful, but she understood me like nobody else had. And I wanted something more from our friendship.

I drove her home, I met her family (all incredibly nice) and her pets, and we walked back to my car and hugged. She and I agreed that she would drive down to my place the next time we got together, and she would be able to meet my family and pets (to which she replied, smiling "Even better.").

She expressed to me that she couldn't wait to meet my family, my pets, and my friends. This meant so much to me because none of my other friends had ever said anything like that before. This was special.

And I began the long drive home.

 

Well, she left for Japan the next day for a school trip, and the trip lasted 2 weeks. We talked through messages (because AIM didn't work in Japan) on facebook, and every moment without her seemed like agony in its early stages. I only wanted to talk to her again.

 

Finally, she came back, and all was right with things. We talked some more, except now I began subtly flirting with her, trying to see if she would react to it. She did at some points, but she slightly flirted back. I kept wanting to tell her how I felt, but my irrational fear of telling girls how I feel about them kept getting in the way. But I let it slip on.

We both agreed that we meant a great deal to one another, and we wouldn't ever stop being friends.

 

We agree to meet up again so that she and I could go to see a movie on opening night--a little movie, The Dark Knight, you may have heard of it. But days before we're supposed to see the movie, her mom gets gravely ill and goes to the hospital. And because it went on for a few days, she naturally couldn't go, but she was deeply apologetic. I was disappointed (I really wanted to see this with her), but I fully understood why she couldn't go, so I was deeply forgiving.

 

Well, after her mom gets better, we begin making plans to see each other again, but instead of plans for single events, we were planning to see a movie on the IMAX together (which is really cool, you have to agree), I was going to go over to her house one afternoon and watch a movie, and she and I would hang out for a day before she went to college so we could at least be together for all the missing time and I could help ease her uneasiness about college.

And all the while, we continued talking on AIM almost every night. I had been having recurring dreams (in which she was featured in many, but not the main problem) that had been disturbing my sleep and my well-being, and she helped me through them. I felt bad that I told her all of mine, but she never had any problems to tell me (like I took but never gave back). She informs me that when she does begin having problems (and she assured me she would), I would be the first one to know.

 

Well, finally, one day she goes to a concert that she'd been planning to attend with some friends for months. And I don't hear from her that night.

The next night she and I begin talking on AIM, and I check her facebook page, and her relationship status changes from "single" to "in a relationship".

All of a sudden, I felt myself hyperventilating, my hands shook uncontrollably, and my mouth became painfully dry instantly. My whole world felt like it was coming to an end.

I asked her what was going on with that, if I'd missed anything. She said no, and she explained that after the concert, a good friend of hers from high school (who had been involved in her life in ways I hadn't quite known) asked her out, and she said yes.

 

Everything began to crash and burn for me. I knew that from past experiences, boyfriends generally don't like for their girlfriends to hang out with other males (even if they're good friends). So I asked, and she confirmed, that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a very long time (to my great misfortune).

And I understood, as much as it hurt me to, that he becomes first priority. All her free time goes to him, and then eventually becomes split with college. Anytime she had problems, she would go to him, and rely on him to help her get through the day.

There was nothing more that I would have been able to do for her. I just became another guy friend.

 

I came to the understanding that we would not be able to see each other for a very long time (not while she was with him or still in college), and it devastated me (it irritated her somewhat that we couldn't hang out, but she didn't really have any reason to be upset; she was, after all, the one who was in the newfound relationship).

But she promises me that when she can find a day, I will be able to drive up to her house and pick up all the stuff I let her borrow, and that would be the last time we would be able to see each other face-to-face for a very long time. I told her that there would be tears and a hug or two involved in my part, and she said she understood and had no problems with that.

She promises me that she won't forget about me, that she will still continue to talk to me the same amount we used to, that if she has any problems and he's not available (or if he's the source of the problems) she would come to me. And most of all, I would still be one of her best friends.

 

The worst thing was that on the night we would see The Dark Knight, I was going to work up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. But since that didn't work out, I was definitely going to ask her when we had our day together. I had finally gotten over my fear, and I was too late. My friends had all encouraged me to ask her out, and I kept insisting not to.

And I have a feeling that if I had just asked her in time, she would have said yes.

 

***

So I cried myself to sleep that night until 5 in the morning. Since then, I have not heard from her. My days consist of drinking tons of water (because everything else tastes disgusting), sleeping great amounts. Eating feels unnatural and unpleasant. And I'm almost always depressed. When I'm not, I feel marginally comfortable, but then I swing back into depression. All the things that I used to find happiness in only upset me, and I can't even listen to music now. Anything that I had liked, she liked. So I basically can't watch/read/listen to anything. I'm living in my own personal hell.

And I've been really trying to get things back to normal. I've been confiding in my closest friends (of which I have about 4 or 5), and they've been helping me out very generously (I could not be more thankful for them). I'd been reading over some literature online about dealing with unrequited love, and it's been helping me (hell, I even read about "dealing with grief", which I found very helpful).

 

But in all the stuff that I read about getting over unrequited love, they say the first thing to do is to remove any mementos that remind you of that person, and distance yourself from them for a good while (express to them how you feel, if you feel it necessary).

But the thing is that I can't do that. Not in the sense of "I find myself unable to remove them from my life" in an emotional sense, but in that I really can't: I'm one of her best friends, and I need to be there for her. I need to be what I promised her I'd be. I don't want her to know what I'm going through, because it would only put a roadblock on her happiness, and that's the last thing I want. I don't want things to be different between her and I. I want things to go back to normal.

 

So I come to you guys, because I had discovered this site while I was reading online literature about my situation, and you all seem like professionals, and actually willing to help people in any situation, which I will admit is very rare to see nowadays (these are compliments).

I ask you: What can I do about this situation? How do I make the pain hurt less, and cope with my situation easier?

 

If you've made it this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, truly. And any help is greatly appreciated. If you could find time to help me with this or offer any advice (any is completely welcome), then God bless you. :')

[SilkLeaves]

Well, I don't know if you'll want me replying to this as I'm a new member, but I'll give it a shot.

 

I've experienced similar things, I think most people have. I certainly remember the panicky, lightheaded, truly horrible feeling you get when you discover that they're going out with someone else. It's never easy to discover that someone that you relied on as one of the most important people in your life doesn't hold you in such high regard. I don't think there's any miracle solution that will suddenly make you feel better.

 

You're such a sweetheart for not wanting to risk her happiness by telling her how you feel. A lot of people wouldn't be that considerate. It's not easy to forget about her but maybe you should try and socialise with girls again and consider getting to know them better? This girl is getting on with her life, maybe you should too?

 

In a way being cut off from her completely may be the most direct way to get over her. It would be even harder if you we're seeing her everyday - you'd just keep on falling back in love with her.

 

I know this probably isn't much help but in my experience time really does make things better. All I can say is that no matter how you feel now, you WILL feel better as time goes on. Once you can get through a whole day without thinking about her then you're on the right track. Even though you might not feel like it, go out with your friends, do fun things occupy your days with stuff that takes your mind off it and gradually you'll start to feel better, and you might start noticing other girls who you can be truly special to. There are loads of girls looking for a sweet guy like you, just keep your mind open.

 

Also, if the relationship she's in fails, don't jump straight in and ask her out, as she'll probly be on the rebound and this will make things even worse...But still be there for her, and give her time.

 

...I don't think I've helped much have I? Sorry if you've heard this all before.

 

Good luck x

[nthatguyb]

Oh, no! By all means, any help is welcome! Your post-count shouldn't make any difference (it's such a clique-ish thing).

 

I'm not that much of a dater, unfortunately. I will usually only date friends, only because I'll feel comfortable around them.

But yeah, I've been trying to hang out with friends ever since (a lot of which are girls), and it's been sorta working. I don't crash as easily as I used to. I even started eating again, so that has to count for something, I think.

 

Very true. But I don't think she really had anything to get over. She got the high-end of the deal, I got the short, miserable end of it.

The thing is that she said she'd talk to me when she got back from orientation for college, and that time would've been last night. But I never heard from her. So that's discouraging. I mean, I still would've found it difficult to talk to her (who wouldn't in a situation like this?), but still...

 

And thank you for the compliment. That's the first I've gotten in a while. :')

 

It's just been difficult. I can't help but remember the time we hung out (it truly was one of the most fun nights of my life), all the things we said to each other.

And now I remember just how shallow it really is, considering the situation. None of it means anything anymore.

 

And as for the distancing myself part, if she doesn't get back to me or anything, that may be easier to do. But I'm going to try to work this one out.

 

Somebody told me that "if you truly love someone, you'll never stop loving them: you'll simply learn to deal with it." And that seems to be a good setup of what may happen.

 

I already told her I found her completely datable (after I found all this out), and I told her the reasons why I did. She said it was very sweet of me to say that. I told her about my fear of asking girls out, and she said that I am a great, nice guy, and I should be more self-assured, and that I have no reason to be scared or ashamed.

You know when you tell your story, thinking that you're the hero, but when you finally get towards the end of your story, you realize that you're the villain? That's how I feel at the moment. :'(

 

Hey, be easy on yourself. Even if it was anything I'd heard before, you still did a great job, and I greatly valued your input. You did just fine.

[Kindle]

 

Somebody told me that "if you truly love someone, you'll never stop loving them: you'll simply learn to deal with it."

 

I can't do that. I'm one of her best friends, and I need to be there for her. I need to be what I promised her I'd be. I don't want her to know what I'm going through, because it would only put a roadblock on her happiness, and that's the last thing I want. I don't want things to be different between her and I. I want things to go back to normal.

 

That's a good quote.

 

I dont have anything to add to your post really, apart from i truly understand how you are feeling right now and its not a nice place to be.

NC ( no contact ) is by far the better option. Still speaking to her is just going to prolong the agony.

 

I have been suffering from unrequited love for a year in a couple of weeks. I am a fool to myself, i just cant stay away and i need to know he is ok. just like you. So i have no other choice but to learn to deal with it.

 

But its hard, really hard.

 

Heres another quote i quite like...

 

True love is when you shed a tear and still want them.

It's when they ignore you and you still love them.

It's when they love another but you still smile and say 'i'm happy for you.'

When all you really do is cry

[nthatguyb]

Trust me, no contact would make everything much, much easier. But I made a promise to her. And I have a moral code, the top number being that I carry out my promises, no matter what (on pain of death).

I promised her that I'd still be there for her, when times are tough and he's not around (or when he's the source of her problems). And I have to keep it, no matter how much it kills me.

 

That's an even better quote, really. Where's it from?

 

Kindle, I'm interested in your story. Would you mind telling it, if it's not too much to ask? I'll listen.

[carhill]

Ah, read my journals. I think you'll find the story interesting. I've still got around 14 years left to tell. The last year has been really an eye-opener.

 

I'll assume she was with that other guy long before "he asked her out". One doesn't switch from single to "in a relationship" in one night after one date.

 

I'll tell you what I think. You were/are a good guy who waited too long to express your romantic interest. Once she saw you only as a platonic friend, that was it. Over, done. Think of yourself as a girlfriend with a penis. I speak from great experience here

 

When I was your age, I had a rigid moral code too. It perpetuated my personal angst and virginity far longer than most normal humans could ever tolerate. I learned a lot, but also suffered a lot, and all by my own doing.

 

I'm going to tell you something you're not going to want to hear. Your female friend isn't going to miss you. You won't occupy her thoughts in any way similar to the way she occupies yours.

 

OK, I saved the positive for last. Go on with your life, meet a young lady who is interested in you and wants to be with you and see what the future brings. If this friend and you really have some special connection, it will always be there. Her actions will show you it is there. You aren't seeing that right now, though merely a young woman who wasn't completely honest with you and was dating someone else, officially or not, while you two were carrying on your friendship.

 

NC will help. It helped me for 14 years. It finally took the emotional low of my mother's dementia, along with my own weakness, for me to, as a married man, break that NC and create the mess I'm now in. Don't be me

[NedFlanders]

All I know is it is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, and as far as getting over it I have no idea how you do it, because I havent. The worst part of my situation is the woman I love is married to a abusive man who she admits she doesnt love. I see her everyday, and cutting myself off completely isnt a option, because I do not want it to be, but soon I may be forced to. All I can tell anyone who is involved in a real unrequited love situation is hold on because it gets worse before it gets better. At least I hope it gets better because I am still waiting.

[carhill]

YMMV, but, IME, the same psychology which impels a woman to stay with an abusive man obviates the potential for a relationship with a healthy man. It just doesn't "feel" right. You may find she will, upon finally leaving him, hook up with one or more similar men, though not via conscious effort. It's just a function of psychology and brain chemistry, most specifically the chemistry of attraction, along with the psychology of socialization.

 

Personally, I'd now be leery of getting emotionally involved with any woman who had been in a long term abusive relationship, absent significant counseling and personal alone (meaning no men in her life) work on her psychology. There's just too many healthy women out there. The critical work is not to overlook them, as they don't smack you upside the head like the unhealthy ones do. Pay attention

[NedFlanders]

YMMV, but, IME, the same psychology which impels a woman to stay with an abusive man obviates the potential for a relationship with a healthy man. It just doesn't "feel" right. You may find she will, upon finally leaving him, hook up with one or more similar men, though not via conscious effort. It's just a function of psychology and brain chemistry, most specifically the chemistry of attraction, along with the psychology of socialization.

 

Personally, I'd now be leery of getting emotionally involved with any woman who had been in a long term abusive relationship, absent significant counseling and personal alone (meaning no men in her life) work on her psychology. There's just too many healthy women out there. The critical work is not to overlook them, as they don't smack you upside the head like the unhealthy ones do. Pay attention

 

 

OMG, you pretty much hit it right on the head. She is 40 yo and has had only baiscally 3 men in her entire life. She got the courage to leave him for two months, and its funny what you said because in that time she turned to a man who is the exact same as her husband for advise on what to do. Problem isnt simple though because you cant change who you love, and at the same time if I walked away I would be walking away from my best friend. Doesnt life suck sometimes.

[carhill]

Sometimes, loving someone is letting them go. As much as it hurts, it is a truth in some situations. Doing so doesn't mean your positive life energy has to end for them, but rather that you rebuild your love bank to sustain yourself and perhaps them again, sometime in the future. My experience has been that such abusive situations suck the love and emotional energy out of a person, whereas a healthy relationship balances such energy.

 

Some days are better than others.....

[Yamaha]

The next time you start having feelings for someone don't be shy and bashful in telling them how you feel. Women won't condemn you for expressing interest. The fact you said nothing tells her you are comfortable with your friendship.

Treat is as a learning experience and don't do the same thing next time. Attraction for women is different and when they see you as a friend or tell you you are a friend then you better believe they mean what they say and they have no romantic feelings for you. The chances of it changing are so slim it isn't worth mentioning so just accept the rejection and look for another love interest.

[Mary3]

I don't know if you would consider writing her a letter ( making sure she gets it ) or a small phone call telling her something like this : You know , Sherry I really enjoyed our time together and I was developing feelings for you. I am not sure if you knew that and I was not that demonstative about showing you. I know you in a R now and all of this likely does not matter but I just wanted you to know I really cared about you in a romantic way but was not sure how to tell you:"

 

Now some will disagree and say let it alone. I can't say either way which is better.

 

I CAN tell you her actions though reak of friendship zone. And then when she got a bf she told you she could not be there for you much but to please hang around in case she breaks up ? NOT !

 

Please if you must reveal your feelings. Do so. Then move on. You should either receive an "OMG I love you too !" Or you receive " Oh really " ? Either way you need to NOT be her buddy ever . Always go for the romance.

 

No more buddy friends with girls okay ? You have 6 of them now

[Kindle]

Trust me, no contact would make everything much, much easier. But I made a promise to her. And I have a moral code, the top number being that I carry out my promises, no matter what (on pain of death).

I promised her that I'd still be there for her, when times are tough and he's not around (or when he's the source of her problems). And I have to keep it, no matter how much it kills me.

 

That's an even better quote, really. Where's it from?

 

Kindle, I'm interested in your story. Would you mind telling it, if it's not too much to ask? I'll listen.

 

I found it one day on the internet and it just struck such a chord with me .

 

Not much on my story to tell really, met a guy online, playing an online roleplaying game.

 

Im a bit of a cold fish if im honest and have probably only been *in love* twice in 30 odd years. ( i shd point out here that i have dated lots and lots of men, probably too many, searching for Mr Right, but never really found them ). So to suddenly find myself connecting with someone i hadnt met on that sort of level really knocked me for six. ( and in light of my feelings now, i have to say that the twice i thought i was *in love* i wasnt ! )

 

He has a long term girlfreind so i kept quiet about my feelings for months, until one day i just couldnt take it anymore and told him how i felt and asked him how he felt.

Theres no way i would have said anything if i really didnt think that there was more to our *freindship* than freinds.

 

He basically said he cares for me a lot more than he should but he cant allow himself to think of anything past freinds.

 

One year later, he is still with his long term g/f and i still think the world of him. I've been out on dates with other guys and tried my dammed hardest to forget him, but i cant - he is always there..

 

Im sure there is someone out there for me somewhere, that can connect with me the way he does - ive just got to find them, and until i do, i guess he will always be lurking in my mindset however much i try to ignore it !

 

If there is such a thing as a soulmate, im guessing that he is probably it - its like he can see straight through me to whats underneath without me saying a word. It scares me sometimes, but in a good way.

[Lookingforward]

Ah, read my journals. I think you'll find the story interesting. I've still got around 14 years left to tell. The last year has been really an eye-opener.

 

I'll assume she was with that other guy long before "he asked her out". One doesn't switch from single to "in a relationship" in one night after one date.

 

I'll tell you what I think. You were/are a good guy who waited too long to express your romantic interest. Once she saw you only as a platonic friend, that was it. Over, done. Think of yourself as a girlfriend with a penis. I speak from great experience here

 

When I was your age, I had a rigid moral code too. It perpetuated my personal angst and virginity far longer than most normal humans could ever tolerate. I learned a lot, but also suffered a lot, and all by my own doing.

 

I'm going to tell you something you're not going to want to hear. Your female friend isn't going to miss you. You won't occupy her thoughts in any way similar to the way she occupies yours.

 

OK, I saved the positive for last. Go on with your life, meet a young lady who is interested in you and wants to be with you and see what the future brings. If this friend and you really have some special connection, it will always be there. Her actions will show you it is there. You aren't seeing that right now, though merely a young woman who wasn't completely honest with you and was dating someone else, officially or not, while you two were carrying on your friendship.

 

NC will help. It helped me for 14 years. It finally took the emotional low of my mother's dementia, along with my own weakness, for me to, as a married man, break that NC and create the mess I'm now in. Don't be me

 

You broke NC after 14 years???? That must be a record on here

[carhill]

I invented NC

 

I think I documented it in my journals, but I can always add more detail of the exact process if desired. This was long before cell phones and the commercial internet. IIRC, that last day, my friend called me from a pay phone before she headed out for our last lunch together at my house. Remember pay phones?

 

Sometimes, for some people, it never ends. In such cases, one must then find perspective to apply to the feelings, acknowledge them as valid but not healthy, and then move on. That's what I'm doing now .... hope the OP can find his path

[Lookingforward]

Well it's not so much the length of NC that is incredible...it's the fact that after 14 years you decided to make contact. Was it a case of a surge of wishful thinking/feeling?

 

Makes me wonder if you can ever accept that "it's over"

[carhill]

Have you followed LakesideDream's story? Very provocative and very similar in some aspects.

 

Discerning the validity of the mutual feelings from the psychological health of the situation has been the important work for me.

 

An equally important work has been learning to accept others opinions of me for what they are, rather than taking them to heart as a definition of who I am. They don't have to live my life, nor I theirs.

 

I hope the OP can resolve these issues and find his path. Time will tell

[Lookingforward]

Yes, been following lake's saga........waiting for the next instalment but he seems to have hit a roadblock lately.......

 

I was just thinking about how I would feel if the latest ex resurfaced out of the blue in 12 year's time........just to "look me up"

[carhill]

I think, like the topic of this thread, the OP's situation, like LsD's and mine, has nothing to do with an "ex". IMO, the dynamic is completely different. With an ex, generally, both parties completely invested, gave all of themselves to the relationship, and it didn't work out, regardless of their love. That's a bit different from what I'm reading here and describing in my journals, hence the process of reconciling one's feelings is different.

 

In my case, I initiated what one could term mostly anonymous and non-threatening contact (a handwritten, brief, somewhat cryptic note in an unsigned birthday card) and she looked me up and called me, apparently having received the card as she was packing to move in with her boyfriend. Why did I happen to plug her name into the internet exactly on her birthday after not really giving it a second thought for 14 years (that lunch I described was on her BD)? Why did she have her complete contact information out there? You tell me about coincidence

 

Anyway, the OP's situation is a bit different, but I must say the beginnings of my insignificant story began very similarly about 23 years ago, with the notable exception of my friend being married.

[Nite]

OP,

 

You appear to be a good friend. And that's always a positive thing. But being a good friend doesn't mean that you have to confine your emotional life to one person.

 

I would imagine that you liked sharing parts of your interior life with her; there's nothing preventing you from sharing those parts with others.

 

Do you have a lot of friends, or was she your only friend?

 

Look at this way, the more you share your thoughts and ideas with others, the more feedback you'll get from others. You can use the feedback from to improve yourself.

[Ally Boo]

Trust me, no contact would make everything much, much easier. But I made a promise to her. And I have a moral code, the top number being that I carry out my promises, no matter what (on pain of death).

I promised her that I'd still be there for her, when times are tough and he's not around (or when he's the source of her problems). And I have to keep it, no matter how much it kills me.

 

That's an even better quote, really. Where's it from?

 

Kindle, I'm interested in your story. Would you mind telling it, if it's not too much to ask? I'll listen.

 

You remind me of my boyfriend. I broke up with him twice, but he's been my best friend all along and he refused to give up on me. I'll be honest in that I was scared to death to be in a relationship with him...and that's why I didn't want to be with him, but his loyalty meant everything to me and we are together and happy today.

 

To be honest, I don't know how he did it. There are so many things you mention that I remember him going through (he didn't tell me, his brother did). But to me, he was the strongest man in the world and he proved his love to me by staying strong.

 

That being said, I don't want to give you false hopes that you will be together, but I will say that you being different and adhering to your moral code will mean a lot in the long run no matter how it turns out.

[Mary3]

I invented NC

 

I think I documented it in my journals, but I can always add more detail of the exact process if desired. This was long before cell phones and the commercial internet. IIRC, that last day, my friend called me from a pay phone before she headed out for our last lunch together at my house. Remember pay phones?

 

Sometimes, for some people, it never ends. In such cases, one must then find perspective to apply to the feelings, acknowledge them as valid but not healthy, and then move on. That's what I'm doing now .... hope the OP can find his path

 

What do you think of ex's who beg you to be their friend ? You say NO and don't talk to them for a year . Then a year later they contact you and ask you to be their friend again. The answer is still NO. If there was any disrespect at ALL , even a whiff, for me its NC for eternity....

 

Harsh ?

 

Hardly I think because I dont want to be buddies with guys I used to be involved with.

[Lookingforward]

OP's post isn't about an "ex" per se, somehow we got off on a tangent here - His is a love that "never happened" due to hesitation and timing on his part , or perhaps even if he had spoken up, it would not have been reciprocated.

 

The bottom line is he'll never really know for sure. So all you can do is file it away as a "would have been nice to have had the chance" and be open to new interests love wise.

 

Maybe make a decision to speak up earlier next time?

[Lookingforward]

What do you think of ex's who beg you to be their friend ? You say NO and don't talk to them for a year . Then a year later they contact you and ask you to be their friend again. The answer is still NO. If there was any disrespect at ALL , even a whiff, for me its NC for eternity....

 

Harsh ?

 

Hardly I think because I dont want to be buddies with guys I used to be involved with.

 

Well if they're contacting to just be "friends" "wondered how you're doing", no I wouldn't be remotely interested either............

[carhill]

What do you think of ex's who beg you to be their friend ? You say NO and don't talk to them for a year . Then a year later they contact you and ask you to be their friend again. The answer is still NO. If there was any disrespect at ALL , even a whiff, for me its NC for eternity....

 

Harsh ?

 

Hardly I think because I dont want to be buddies with guys I used to be involved with.

 

I'll try again. The person I'm referring to was not "involved" with me. As with the OP, I had unrequited feelings of love for her which survived over years. Why, I don't know. I didn't force contact but merely provided a channel and my willingness to accept. We had a very enjoyable year (this past year) but, in the interest of our respective R's, as well as discovering some areas of incompatibility in each other, I think we both felt it was better to part company for now, and did so. NC helps me with the emotional fallout of that decision. I hope sharing this helps the OP with his path.

 

Opining strictly regarding the parameters you provided, I would likely be loathe to have further contact with that person. In my case, I believe neither of us perceived any disrespect or betrayal. She simply was confused and I was hurt and didn't know how to properly express it. I went silent instead.