Are OW like drug addicts

[OWoman]

LOL - it's Robert Palmer "addicted to Love" just fyi so you don't die of curiosity

 

Tx Termi - that was a distinct possibility

[wildsoul]

I think you're onto something, but your frame of it being specific to OW's is incorrect. I'll try to reframe it to how I see it, as best I can.

 

People can become "addicted" in a sense to love/sex/romance/relationship/drama <insert drug of choice here.>

 

Their role or drug of choice don't define the addiction. Someone can be a monogamous married person and be a love addict to their spouse. An OW/M might not be an addict at all. And I don't believe once an addict, always an addict. It is something that might come and go. Sadly, the grip of it can be long lasting.

 

I prefer to leave the word "addiction" to be a self-diagnosis, not a clinical one, nor one that should be used to label and judge others.

 

One of the ways I define addiction in this context to be something that kicks in (may or may not always be present) when you can feel a compulsive element at play. For example, when a person knows that they shouldn't contact someone, but is irresistably compelled to make that call, and also suffers the predictable consequences as a result. Anyone who's acted compulsively knows what I mean.

 

Another way I define addiction has to do with the severity of withdrawal that occurs when one does NOT follow through on the compulsion. I'm not talking normal sadness and craving. I'm talking the panic attacts, suicidal thoughts, etc. that are blown completely out of proportion.

 

One of the hallmarks of addictive substances is that they provide a certain kind of intensity. I agree that it's biochemical and also pwychological. But even more complicated than others have mentioned.

• One might already have a biochemical imbalance that creates a craving for the feelings.
  
• One might start out normally, then get a biochemical surge that feels amazing, but then creates an imbalance that creates a craving.
  
• One might start out with low self-esteem and get hooked on the validation and good feelings of the "drug."
  
• One might start out pretty normal, get hooked on the validation and good feelings, and END UP WITH low self-esteem.
  

One of the best books I ever read, is this one:

"Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody.

 

10 years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who alternated between sweeping me off my feet, then abandoning me (breaking up according to his moods and/or cheating on me.) I knew the relationship was making me CRAZY. I was an emotional roller coaster. Found myself spying on his computer to catch him cheating (rather than just leaving because my gut told me he was lying.) I was euphoric when with him. Suicidal without him. And knowing all this, I COULD NOT LEAVE AND MAKE IT STICK.

 

That book and attending Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous helped me to break free. I was a sex and love addict. I got better and was nicely recovered for many years.

 

My recent relationship (which was an affair) had a lot of those addictive elements:

 

We were a perfect match on passion, sex, romance, friendship, intellect, social standing--all the good matches you want from a partnership. Wow. That in itself is so rare. Of course I wanted more!

 

We were also a match on our shadow sides: he would pursue me intensely, promise me "happily ever after," all the things I most want to hear, so much so that I overlooked that he wasn't able to deliver what he was promising. He wanted to make sure I was hooked, and I was.

 

He also seems to be addicted to me. I can't really diagnose him, but he had never had the kind of intensity with anyone else he had with me.

 

I'm not sure if the fact that I got involved with someone who was not really separated from his wife means I'm acting out addictively. To be sure, I've never cheated on a partner, nor been with someone who was in another relationship. I really just wanted love, and naively believed he was further along in his uncoupling than he was. However, I sure as hell got hooked on all the intensity between us. And while I didn't get so crazy that I couldn't reinsert proper boundaries, letting go is a bitch. I'm crashing pretty hard.

[OWoman]

oooh nooooo! do you live in Singapore where they have very strict censorship laws? There is nothing offensive in it in terms of Northamerican standards.

 

:lmao: All that gets censored here is child porn and bestiality!

 

Most likely some copyright issues...

[OWoman]

Another important thing to consider is that I think a lot of OW would give their right arm to get off the 'dopamine/neurological high/etc' rollercoaster that the A gives them, in favor of a much more settled domestic, stable life with the AP. I think many stay in SPITE OF those 'high's' and 'lows', not because of them.

 

I've never had any such highs from an A, so I'm feeling decidedly cheated! Do you think I could get a refund?

[soda]

I agree. It's not just affair partners, although I think maybe the affair scenario makes it more likely for an addiction to love to take hold. Within the bounds of a regular couple getting to know each other, they do so intensely and pretty quickly (from what I see around me and here) but within an affair scenario there aren't the same opportunities to do that, so the honeymoon period (NRE - new relationship energy) lasts alot longer I think. When a couple meet and get along and set out on the relationship path (whatever the scenario) the body dumps a load of dopamine into the system. Dopamine is the 'want' hormone. The levels continue to rise until the 'want' is sated, or until such time that the level slowly decreases on it's own (as with the honeymoon period wearing off). That's why in a relationship ending NC works because it allows the dopamine level to drop and in regular relationships, why the honeymoon period lasts for around 12-16 weeks. This doesn't just happen to OW/OM it happens to most people 'in love'.

 

Oxytocin also influences people involved in affairs to see the relationship as better than it is. In fact, it seems like some people in affairs are very good at manipulating the withdrawal effect. I wouldn't call it NC, but some people are good at dolling out affection at intervals to make the other person in the R crave more.

 

My W's OM had (has?) a regular pattern of laying low and basically ignoring my W without a good reason and then coming back with a flurry of "rewards" -- compliments, affection, contact, etc. I could actually see my wife go from depressed to absolutely elated and know what was causing it. In a normal relationship, we tend to get pissed when we're ignored...but when one is "hooked..."

 

Chinook -- I think your comment about NC is spot-on.

 

Chinook -- you're exactly right about

[soda]

My recent relationship (which was an affair) had a lot of those addictive elements:

 

We were a perfect match on passion, sex, romance, friendship, intellect, social standing--all the good matches you want from a partnership. Wow. That in itself is so rare. Of course I wanted more!

 

We were also a match on our shadow sides: he would pursue me intensely, promise me "happily ever after," all the things I most want to hear, so much so that I overlooked that he wasn't able to deliver what he was promising. He wanted to make sure I was hooked, and I was.

.

 

This supports my point exactly.

[GreenEyedLady]

Oxytocin also influences people involved in affairs to see the relationship as better than it is. In fact, it seems like some people in affairs are very good at manipulating the withdrawal effect. I wouldn't call it NC, but some people are good at dolling out affection at intervals to make the other person in the R crave more.

 

My W's OM had (has?) a regular pattern of laying low and basically ignoring my W without a good reason and then coming back with a flurry of "rewards" -- compliments, affection, contact, etc. I could actually see my wife go from depressed to absolutely elated and know what was causing it. In a normal relationship, we tend to get pissed when we're ignored...but when one is "hooked..."

 

I just consider this an excuse.

 

Your W was choosing to be with the OM.

 

She chose it. He didn't force her.

[wildsoul]

This supports my point exactly.

 

YES. It's well-established that intermittant rewards create a more intense addictive pattern. Like those studies where they give lab rats a dose of cocaine for pressing a lever, but not every time they press the lever. The poor little things will exhaust themselves with contant lever-pressing, even when the frequency of cocaine rewards drops to zero.

 

This is why I think that it's not necessarily true that "once an addict, always an addict." 12-steppers will disagree with me. But I think that you can condition an addiction, as well as uncondition it. Though it's true that once those patterns are established, it's easily triggered again.

 

I would like to know more about oxytocin. All I really know is that it's the "bonding" neurotransmitter that serves some kind of function in mating, and is also stronger in women who need it to bond with their babies.

 

My guy and I both had that overwhelming pink bubble of love thing. Literally, it felt like it poured off his skin and enveloped me. He felt the same off me, that I was emitting something intoxicating. Like a pheromone thing (that I've only had with a couple other lovers at this intensity.) Do you think that is oxytocin?

[OWoman]

Oxytocin also influences people involved in affairs to see the relationship as better than it is.

 

It's also what makes mothers "bond" with their newborns and want to nurture them rather than rolling on them to crush them and getting their life back. I don't think my body's capable of producing that - or else my neurological receptors don't work. Mind you, I do get a fair amount from chocolate, so perhaps that explains why my most meaningful relationship is with the vending machine?

[grogster]

You have to understand that for some people it is preferable to call this an addiction rather than name the unthinkable, that it may after all be LOVE and we all know that true love can only occur between either spouses or those that are single and available morally, ethically and legally.

 

 

Who defines when love is "true" or "false"? Moses? Buddha? You? The OW bashers?

 

People can be married and have a pretend relationship, a public mask of togetherness characterized by a false, insincere bond where Eros is AWOL and both spouses sleep alone even when they sleep together.

 

In contrast, some in affairs experience all what most understand as love: passion, a sense of togetherness, a shared understanding, devotion, care and lust.

 

True love can happen in "outlaw" relationships; false love can occur in "legal" relationships.

 

Love doesn't care.

[Virgo1982]

Oxytocin also influences people involved in affairs to see the relationship as better than it is. In fact, it seems like some people in affairs are very good at manipulating the withdrawal effect. I wouldn't call it NC, but some people are good at dolling out affection at intervals to make the other person in the R crave more.

 

My W's OM had (has?) a regular pattern of laying low and basically ignoring my W without a good reason and then coming back with a flurry of "rewards" -- compliments, affection, contact, etc. I could actually see my wife go from depressed to absolutely elated and know what was causing it. In a normal relationship, we tend to get pissed when we're ignored...but when one is "hooked..."

 

Chinook -- I think your comment about NC is spot-on.

 

Chinook -- you're exactly right about

 

Yeah, some people don't offer any rewards but their presence...

[Tomcat33]

Oxytocin also influences people involved in affairs to see the relationship as better than it is. In fact, it seems like some people in affairs are very good at manipulating the withdrawal effect. I wouldn't call it NC, but some people are good at dolling out affection at intervals to make the other person in the R crave more.

 

With all due respect, Oxytocin is present when we experience love, it is not exclusive to being in an A..though if you experience love in an affair naturally Oxytocin is released.

 

 

My W's OM had (has?) a regular pattern of laying low and basically ignoring my W without a good reason and then coming back with a flurry of "rewards" -- compliments, affection, contact, etc. I could actually see my wife go from depressed to absolutely elated and know what was causing it. In a normal relationship, we tend to get pissed when we're ignored...but when one is "hooked..."

 

 

Well there is one good reason:

 

she is married to you!

[Agent_99]

Who defines when love is "true" or "false"? Moses? Buddha? You? The OW bashers?

 

People can be married and have a pretend relationship, a public mask of togetherness characterized by a false, insincere bond where Eros is AWOL and both spouses sleep alone even when they sleep together.

 

In contrast, some in affairs experience all what most understand as love: passion, a sense of togetherness, a shared understanding, devotion, care and lust.

 

True love can happen in "outlaw" relationships; false love can occur in "legal" relationships.

 

Love doesn't care.

 

This is a very good point, and missed by the addiction theory. Although there are things about affairs that can cause dysfunctional relations between the two people.

 

This is what MW and and I experience and what is lacking in her relationship with BS. Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it an addiction either.

 

I would still feel the things I feel if she were single and we were dating. I would still 'crave' time with her. Both of our lives are very busy, we both work full time and college full time. We both have kids. There is just the added stress of sneaking around, potentially hurting others, and worry about getting caught that create an emotional burden and adds to the emotional rollercoaster that love is anyway.

 

But unlike addiction it is not ruining my life, i dont' spend all my money on it, I don't put aside my responsibilities to be with her. My priorities are on straight. And hers are too, we have broken plans because she or I needed more time for _____. (fill in the blank) Including her BS. I have no choice but to respect her choices about her relationship. Just like if I decide to end it, she has no choice but to accept.

 

Love is considered addictive because it makes us feel good and sometimes people go to extraordinary lengths to keep or regain that good feeling. It is not exclusive to affairs, OW, or CS.

 

It makes me sad that someday our relationsip will end, it doens't make me sad that I have quit smoking.

 

~99

[Terminator]

Who defines when love is "true" or "false"? Moses? Buddha? You? The OW bashers?

 

People can be married and have a pretend relationship, a public mask of togetherness characterized by a false, insincere bond where Eros is AWOL and both spouses sleep alone even when they sleep together.

 

In contrast, some in affairs experience all what most understand as love: passion, a sense of togetherness, a shared understanding, devotion, care and lust.

 

True love can happen in "outlaw" relationships; false love can occur in "legal" relationships.

 

Love doesn't care.

 

grogster - in case you missed it, the last part of my post was umm sarcasm. I'm well aware of what you posted

[soda]

I just consider this an excuse.

 

Your W was choosing to be with the OM.

 

She chose it. He didn't force her.

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm just talking about chemical reactions in the brain.

 

None of this happens if one doesn't CHOOSE to cheat in the first place.

 

Trust me, I blame my wife.

[Virgo822]

Taylor, I have some information to share with you, but I don't want to put in on the forum. Please PM me.

[Jumbo]

Love is intoxicating......that doesn't mean if you feel it that you are an addict.

 

I am / was in love with my xmw...over the years the feelings for both of us grew and intensified...isn't that the defintion of love?

 

That is part of what I don't understand about NC...I have been nc for 5 months...after a 7 year affair....I still love her, know we are not going to be together...but still care for her...and assume at some level she feels the same way....seems odd to never speak to someone ever again that you care for and love...but that is me.

 

Not sure how to unlove someone never had to do that before guess that is my struggle...wish I could, because loving her has been and remains painful....love happened it wasn't a choice....if it was I would have choose not to love her ...a long time ago and today. It would have saved both of us heartache.

 

Side note I am a 20 recovering alcoholic so I am familiar step programs and addiction....and nc with someone I love is harder to contend with...and it has nothing to do with physical addition to an affair....i simply miss someone I love who was my best friend.

[Virgo1982]

Too much love gives me obsession.

[Terminator]

Too much love gives me obsession.

 

it gives me indigestion - wait, that was chocolate I was thinking of

[soda]

With all due respect, Oxytocin is present when we experience love, it is not exclusive to being in an A..though if you experience love in an affair naturally Oxytocin is released.

 

I wasn't saying that oxytocin is exclusive to affairs. My apologies if my post came across that way.

 

Oxytocin is present in new mothers, hand-holding, and even in platonic friendships.

 

Some of the studies have shown that as the stimulus that triggers the oxytocin release reaches certain levels, the individual will react less positively.

 

Hmmm...I wonder if that's why people need alone time, even from the one's they love most.

[OWoman]

it gives me indigestion - wait, that was chocolate I was thinking of

 

 

there's such a thing as too much chocolate?

[whichwayisup]

there's such a thing as too much chocolate?

 

Yes, trust me, there is. One can OD on chocolate during a certain time of the month..

[angie2443]

there's such a thing as too much chocolate?

 

It can cause head aches if you eat too much.

[Terminator]

It can cause head aches if you eat too much.

 

oh I am SOOOOOOOOOOO not even touching that post

[torranceshipman]

Yeah yeah...and when I go running I release endorphins for my runners high which makes me feel good, and when I eat carbohydrates I generate more serotonin which makes me feel good....simple thing is that LOTS of things in life give us chemical releases which makes us feel good. It does NOT excuse having an A or staying in an A - it's just one of those facts of life that being with a person we like, or doing one of a multitude of other things we like, makes us feel temporarily good. It's just not an excuse for anything really.