soda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Eh, it's small in the big scheme of things, but it's big in my personal world right now. I don't think good people betray their spouses, but my time here at LS has opened my eyes to the idea that a lot of people work hard, loyally, and enthusiastically every day at their marriages only discover that they married someone who is too selfish to do the same. I've been offering a lot of advice, but my own marriage is about to fail because my wife betrayed me and end in a broken home, despite my efforts. I'm at a point now where I feel physically and emotionally bad. I wake up every day and wonder why someone smashed my dream, and I realize it is because my W and her OM are selfish people who are focused on their needs alone. I no longer want to go to MC, IC, or expend any other effort to save my bad marriage. I've got an amazing D attorney who will help me out, but is it wrong for me to want to lash out at my W, her OM, and tell both of their employers what they've been up to during the work day? Is it okay for me to tell the truth to my soon-to-be former in-laws about what their daughter's doin'? I'm spent. I quit. I used to have faith in relationships, love, and marriage, but I'm discouraged. I think I need some time waiting to date again, but I'm already getting asked out. I'm glad the weekend is here. I need to spend some watching stupid TV.
luna3 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 sometimes sucks to be you, huh. no, that wasn't a smart-arsed comment. just commiserating. i know you didn't "ask" for advice, and lashing out might feel good to you right now, but please take the high road. not only because it will look better in any divorce proceedings, but because in the end you will feel better about yourself than that you sunk down to that level to get back at someone who obviously isn't worth any additional effort anyway. and one-on-one counselling is for YOU, not for her or to fix your marriage. you sound like someone who especially needs it now that the weariness is setting in. after the relationship is totally over, you will probably be grieving if you aren't already. needless to say that now is not the best time to enter any kind of relationship with another. it would be a combination of rebound/revenge, and possibly do more harm than not. unless you just need the sexual release and closeness, then please make your boundaries clear that it may not last. you will survive, although you probably don't feel that you want to very much right now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Expose to everyone. Why shoud you have to lie about the wife cheating? why let her hide what she's doing? The minute you expose it will get ugly. The OM will have answer for what he's doing so's your wife. The job they're at should be notified because what if your wife isnt the only one this OM isnt been messing with? I just started working for the federal governement. And trust me fraternization of opposite sex co-workers is highly disapproved! And even in the military if you can prove it they can be fired. I think to avoid a scandal the company may fire your wife or the OM. Once word get's out about this. it wont look pretty. And your not trying to humiliate her, your telling the truth. Let her own up to it. the more your passive and let this happen the more your gonna wish you did. It's time you went on the offensive. move.
Stockalone Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I no longer want to go to MC, IC, or expend any other effort to save my bad marriage. I've got an amazing D attorney who will help me out, but is it wrong for me to want to lash out at my W, her OM, and tell both of their employers what they've been up to during the work day? Is it okay for me to tell the truth to my soon-to-be former in-laws about what their daughter's doin'? I would say it depends on what you want and/or can live with. Are you more likely to be content with keeping silent and not get even, being the bigger person. Or would you have no problem living the rest of your life knowing that you got even (and still be the better person), even if it has a negative connotation to some people. Personally, in the case of a cheater, I wouldn't feel bad about exposing their secret to everyone who will listen. Why should I show mercy when I was shown none by the cheater. Cheaters rely on the betrayed person to be the bigger person and not expose them to the world for who they really are. I have no intention of doing them this favour. But that is probably because there is a very vindictive part in my soul. I don't even think of it as revenge, I see it is as nothing more than an appropriate reaction to their action.
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I say, be honest when family starts asking you why you're splitting up. It's because your wife has having an affair and, though you worked to salvage the marriage, it just couldn't be saved. End of explanation. If THEY want to know more, they can ask dig up the information themselves, and her bad behavior will come to light. And you don't have to lower yourself to her level for people to know, you know? I've been offering a lot of advice, but my own marriage is about to fail because my wife betrayed me and end in a broken home, despite my efforts. I'm at a point now where I feel physically and emotionally bad. as bad as you're feeling right now, don't let the actions of an inconsiderate, selfish partner kill your hopes of a relationship with a good woman. Your wife couldn't fulfill that role because she just wasn't wired that way, but there's someone waiting for a man like you to help realize HER dream of a good marriage with a good man ... consider this experience with your wife a bad blip in what can otherwise be an incredibly rich life loving and being with someone worthy of what you have to offer.
Author soda Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I guess things always look better in the morning. I haven't dropped the bomb on my wife yet because my D attorney told me to be patient and collect evidence to support my case since I'm trying to get everything, and the evidence that I possess isn't admissible in my jursidiction. I guess that pretending to be a H over these past couple of weeks has just taken its toll on me...and even made me hold out some false hopes, which is what prompted my rant last night. Yesterday, W even admitted to being back in contact with OM. At this point, I don't even care to argue with her. I already made my decision and hired a lawyer. I'm done working on my marriage. After reflecting, I've decided that I am going to tell our friends and family, OM's SO, and the employer...if for no other reason than to protect my good name. I'm already prepared for the fact that my W will drag my name through the mud and twist the story to her favor when I do drop the papers on her. I might as well take the offensive.
quankanne Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 good strategy – because I imagine you will be villified by your STBX to justify her decision to screw around. But like I said before, just keep it short and factual when you get to the punchline before she does ... that way the burden is on HER to explain her actions, not justify them! (hug) q
Author soda Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 good strategy – because I imagine you will be villified by your STBX to justify her decision to screw around. But like I said before, just keep it short and factual when you get to the punchline before she does ... that way the burden is on HER to explain her actions, not justify them! (hug) q I understand...that is my plan. There's no sense in bringing out all the details, but I do deserve to protect my good name. It's also time to show OM for what he is. My STBX doesn't know this, but I learned that this isn't the first time he's played this game in the office. He's played it twice before, and he loses interest in the women when they become a responsibility and dumps them.
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Soda, I hear ya! The fact that your wife was selfish enought to get into an affair ( i don't know: was it a physical one?) and destroyed the home is good enough reason to leave! I don't blame ya if she cheated! If it was just a communication thing or loss of attrction/feelings and no cheating, then I would say you may want to keep trying with the counseling! You TRIED MC! One of the FEW on here! I think you exhausted everything and now you can say with pride you faced it like a MAN and can move on! SO many on here go "boo hoo! I'm so unhappy! He did/she did! I am just HOPING for change!" without REALLY trying. Then they go on here an actually TRY to give advice to others when they haven't really tried! You are cool and awsome! Can you get some support from divorced friends and get their insight?!
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I understand...that is my plan. There's no sense in bringing out all the details, but I do deserve to protect my good name. It's also time to show OM for what he is. My STBX doesn't know this, but I learned that this isn't the first time he's played this game in the office. He's played it twice before, and he loses interest in the women when they become a responsibility and dumps them. Soda, why not just be done with it ? If you are indeed "done", why not let events play out in what you're already predicted will be karmic fashion? Sometimes it's a waste of time and energy to try and combat lies, gossip and innuendo, and those people that really know you would know the truth about you and your character anyway. Were it me, I'm not sure I'd invest any more emotional energy. Life's too short and there's too many other things to do... Mr. Lucky
Walk Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I know revenge sounds pretty good, but like Mr. Lucky was saying, its not worth the drama. It really saps a person both emotionally and physically to play that game for even a short amount of time. The last thing you need is added stress to your life. Most friends, family, etc don't want to get drawn into the highly charged drama an affair creates. Its one thing to help someone who's dealing with a divorce over an affair, but when that person is so bitter and revenge filled that he actually goes out of his way to ruin his STBX.... that's hard for people to stand by and watch. They tend to take a step back and keep their distance. Haven't you invested enough time into your wife already? Isn't it time you spent that energy and time on someone who really deserves it (i.e. You)?
angie2443 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I think if you want to tell people (people you trust), you should. Not to get even, though, just so you don't have to make this a big dirty secret. I'm not saying to broadcast it to people, just to share it with the people who can give you support.
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