So lost and cofused.

[NedFlanders]

People this is my story. I am in love with my best friend, but I have never ever crossed any line with her. She met the man she is with when she was 15 and he was 25. They have been married for 23 years, and the marriage has been verbally abusive and violent as in him throwing things, punching holes in the wall, etc. She finally got the courage to leave him, but went right back after two months. During that two months I got even closer to her, but never ever crossed any lines because she needed me as a friend. I love her as a friend first over anything else. During that time she has admitted to me all the abuse, that he is a father figure, and most importantly she does not love him. She went back to him, because her pastor advised her to, and because she says he has changed. I have told her only time will tell, but she is so closed mined it she doesnt listen. I see her everyday, but soon that may change. She says that he is now going to allow her to school so she is going to quit her job. I am worried sick over this because if he returns to his old ways and she has no job even if she gets the courage to leave she will not have the means to do so. It seems lately she has been distancing herself from me, but than again maybe its just me because she has had a lot to deal with. This is someone who I love with my heart and soul, and I do not know what to do. She means everything to me as a friend, and I write this as the concern of a friend. A lot of people may say she must want to be there because she is there, but this is someone since age 15 has been told what to do. Even if she told me that she felt the same way as I did I would tell her we would need to wait, because she needs to find herself as a person first, because she has never been given that oppertunity. What do I do? I know if she quits I will not be able to be there for her each day or just whenever she needs me. She knows I love her, but I dont know if she even knows what true love is or even allow herself to love anyone else because she is very religious. What do I do to convince her to not make any fast decisions, and wait and see if her husband doesnt go back to his old ways. I have another question that is more directed to the females. I have thought about writing her a letter revealing all my worries, my true feelings regarding everything, and things about myself that I have never told her. Should I do this? Is doing something like this not manly? To me if she told me she was leaving him, and moving away to start over than I would be the happiest person on earth, because than I would know she would be giving herself a chance to live. What do you think, about writing the letter, about everything? The sad thing is her mother is in a relationship where the guy beats her, but she continues to go back everytime.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, this is what she knows and it's a pattern. She's chosen to stay and there isn't anything you can do to change that. The religion and the (bad) advice given to her by the paster has kept her from leaving her husband.

 

Honestly, if her husband is as abusive as he sounds, you shouldn't be in the picture at all. I remember your previous posts, and I'm pretty sure I gave you the same advice. What if he finds out about you and beats the crap out of her?

 

You are having an EA with her, an affair. You are trying to be available to her 24/7 and to be honest, this is going to prevent you from ever letting go of her, moving on and finding someone else to settle down with and have kids.

[NedFlanders]

I am not waiting around and saying well maybe one day there will be something. I am not because to me in a lot of ways I think she is too good for me. I am more worried as a friend than anything else. As far as being worried about him I am not simply because he is someone who knows she isnt going anywhere or doing anything, because she is going to do what is told of her by him. Case in point, one of his closet friends has been in love with her also for the last 10 years, and he has always known this.

[GreenEyedLady]

(((NED)))

 

Unfortunately, we cannot save people from others or even themselves.

 

It is awful to feel like you are standing by, but there is nothing you can do.

 

I hear you and understand your anguish.

 

GEL

[NedFlanders]

It is just so painful and hurts so much that I cannot say something that will make that switch click in there head and understand they deserve better.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I can sympathize with how you feel. You see someone in danger and you want to help. But, the first thing you need to do is make sure your not going to cross the line. You owe yourself that. Don't close yourself off to other possibilities of romance because she is not single. Plus, not putting yourself in a situation where you can do more harm than good.

 

It is sad when a person goes back to an abusive relationship. If you really think she is telling you the truth and that you think she has been brainwashed after years of abuse. You as a concerned citizen can tell it to the police. But, you'd better believe and have some kind of evidence (i.e. you saw bruises on her one day). If you do love her like you say you do, what more would prove your love and friendship to her than alerting others to the incident?

 

One thing you also need to learn before you start trying to save people. Not all are going to want it, even if it is for their own good. Don't let these incidences change you or keep you low too long.

 

While I am not female, I can tell you from experience, a letter to someone you love, especially detailing your feelings, is not the way to go. You may never know who is reading that letter. And stalking her when she is obviously distancing herself from you can (and many times) be turned against you.

 

 

DNR

Stay safe, be well, and be careful how you tread in this relationship.

[OWoman]

I have thought about writing her a letter revealing all my worries, my true feelings regarding everything, and things about myself that I have never told her. Should I do this? Is doing something like this not manly? To me if she told me she was leaving him, and moving away to start over than I would be the happiest person on earth, because than I would know she would be giving herself a chance to live. What do you think, about writing the letter, about everything?

 

Ned, you can't fix her. The letter would be a very bad idea IMO. The letter is about you and your issues - right now she has enough to deal with with her own. You may see it as being a source of strength to her, but likely it will be a source of pressure.

 

You seem fearful of her return to "school" (university, I'm assuming, rather than school? Has she not completed high school?) in the light of her financial independence, but I think on the contrary it may help her emotional independence, depending on what she's going to study. She may recognise, through the curriculum, her own situation and come to understand that she's in an abusive situation cognitively, and then follow through emotionally. Once she does that, she'll be in a position to consider leaving and taking the next steps.

 

Also, at a university - assuming this is where she's going rather than a school - there are all kinds of support services available to her such as counsellors who are not rooted in her reactionary religion, and she'll be among large numbers of young people whose views are likely to be more progressive and provide a peer group of influence to support changing her views on the abuse - as opposed to your single, though valuable, support.

 

Don't hold her back - she needs to grow.

[NedFlanders]

It is at a community college and she is going to be going for a physical therapy degree so she can work for her husband. I need to some how find a way to ease my mind, and help myself understand I have done all I possibly can.