hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 hi .......... and I thought porn was a problem.............................................................................................. I had a needling feeling this past winter.... lots of little things.... started to ask ? and I started to get some angry responses; but no way could he EVER cheat on me again. Three years ago he was caught- evidence left behind and then I found out that I was left with the permanent reminder; genital herpes. I forgave-- I did not forget. move forward; I in my needling feelings have been waiting for the right time, ( we live an hour apart and spend most weekend and maybe a day in the week together... we are in our 40's. I have been divorced with three teen + kids. He has never married or ever will--no kids yeah, he is charming, goodlooking, successful---- ****, all the right ingredients eh? but I thought---as he knew my anquish with the herpes; he could never ever do it again last week I had the chance and basically invaded his privacy; I unlocked a locked closet when he was away ( he has no idea I did or that I know how to) and found....... pictures, video (sex) ??? I don t have the gut to look ; sex toys that we never had together, old photos of exes... not just sweet smile pics but sex photos. and what looks like a new years eve party with some woman who looks older and frumpy.... ( we didn't share nye this year as he spent it with his mom for her bday) or so he said. I don't know time frames, --- we had a pretty bad blow out this past late winter when a woman answered his cell "honey" and he swore it was a the function he was at---- a friend mistaken her husbands phone. I believed him..... am I an idiot??????????????????????????????????????/ he is either very very good... we spend almost every weekend before that together.... he said he loves me, .... great frequent sex (really) he has his space and I am not a nag.... I mean I have done my best to be a good friend, lover, woman, companion. I stay in shape, I am intelligent, artisitic, I smile and generallly, am very easy going and easy to get along with. I dont know if he has been serial cheating on me... and someone, anyone---- why does he stay with me if he wants to be with other women and how could he?????????????? he has herpes and condoms aren't fail safe. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND THIS...... why not just end our R and go screw every thing he wants,,,why tell me he loves me?? do thngs with me??? travel and vacation with me---- cook for me? all that stuff.. can anyone tell me? I don't know how to think anymore, what are truths, lies, what is real and if I am crazy or is he crazy --------------- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I keep thinking i must be old, ugly and used up but then why does he stay?
Agent_99 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I doubt you are old, ungly and used up! I'm not going to try to figure him out. But don't judge yourself by other's actions. ~99
Keridan Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 He thinks he has it good. He loves you, he uses them. He's wrong. He's just using you in a different way. The way you care for and about him says any guy would be lucky to have you. Kick this loser to the curb and move on to something better. There are other guys out there that can give you everything he does and not hurt you like this. Please stop questioning yourself and abusing yourself over this. Some people are just cruel. Some people are able to justify anything to themselves. Whatever it is that's making him do this, it's not your failure, it's his. I'm very sorry for your pain. Please try to find yourself the happiness you should be feeling instead of what you are going through now!
Tripper Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I keep thinking i must be old, ugly and used up but then why does he stay?H, the question you should be asking yourself is why do you stay?? He may be funny, charming, sexy etc. but what you have described is him and in a superfluous way, not the R you have. The foundation of good R's are trust, commitment and open communication, which seem to be lacking in yours. You've snooped and found a stash of stuff from his "secret life". That and given the fact he's given you an STD , should be a huge RED FLAG. As to why he stays, it's because he can live his life selfishly do, what he wants w/o regard for you or your feelings and you will put up with it.
Author hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I doubt you are old, ungly and used up! I'm not going to try to figure him out. But don't judge yourself by other's actions. ~99 thank you--I am trying not to but this is very difficult on my sense of self as a woman and the herpes.... who wants a woman with that?
Author hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 He thinks he has it good. He loves you, he uses them. He's wrong. He's just using you in a different way. The way you care for and about him says any guy would be lucky to have you. Kick this loser to the curb and move on to something better. There are other guys out there that can give you everything he does and not hurt you like this. Please stop questioning yourself and abusing yourself over this. Some people are just cruel. Some people are able to justify anything to themselves. Whatever it is that's making him do this, it's not your failure, it's his. I'm very sorry for your pain. Please try to find yourself the happiness you should be feeling instead of what you are going through now! Thanks K this does hurt and at this point I feel like I want revenge--a slow and painful one...and I don't feel I can bring this out yet to him as I found out by snooping. thanks for your kindness
Author hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 H, the question you should be asking yourself is why do you stay?? He may be funny, charming, sexy etc. but what you have described is him and in a superfluous way, not the R you have. The foundation of good R's are trust, commitment and open communication, which seem to be lacking in yours. You've snooped and found a stash of stuff from his "secret life". That and given the fact he's given you an STD , should be a huge RED FLAG. As to why he stays, it's because he can live his life selfishly do, what he wants w/o regard for you or your feelings and you will put up with it. I didn't put up with it the first time I found out... I fully expected that to be the last he compromised my health and he seems to still be..but the other women too I am sure he doesn't tell them he has herpes I stayed because I truly loved and cared and believed that good people make mistakes. now, I think I am in denial and fear that I will be left alone, used and never to find a sweet and good companion that fulfills my life.. like i believed he once did. trust is gone.... and something else switched off too the word love sort of got flushed down the toilet. selfish and incredibly risky for someone who is a cancer doctor.
Agent_99 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 thank you--I am trying not to but this is very difficult on my sense of self as a woman and the herpes.... who wants a woman with that? For a very long time being overweight was part of how I judged my selfworth. How could someone wants a woman who weighs as much as I do? But you know what, the people who truly love could give a rat's a$$ what I weigh as long as I am happy. Yes I am aware that an STD is different. But there are medications you can take to protect other partners. You are not herpes. You are obviously a sensitive compassionate intelligent woman. Do something for yourself, something that makes you feel good and balanced. As for revenge, I believe, depending on where you live, that it MAY be illegal for him to keep knowingly transmit an STD to unknown partners. ~99
Tripper Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 and believed that good people make mistakes. I also believe that good people can make bad choices... such is human frailty. However, good people also realize their mistake and consciously try avoiding repeating them. As the old adage goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" now, I think I am in denial and fear that I will be left alone, used and never to find a sweet and good companion that fulfills my life.. While herpes is a very uncomfortable STD, the upside, if there is one, is that it's not life threatening. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have contracted it. Many don't know as they haven't had an outbreak. This can only ruin your life, if you choose to allow it to. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Difficult as it may seem now, HS doesn't have to be a deal breaker to a relationship. It does pose some problems and elements of risk, but can be managed to reduce the risk of transmission. What you really need to do at this point is to focus on yourself and what you want to do re: this R. He's proven selfish and uncaring of you; you need to decide if you want to live this way. I'm willing to bet you don't. selfish and incredibly risky for someone who is a cancer doctor HUH?? WTF?? Unbelievable!!! And incredibly stupid too! He knows better.
Author hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 For a very long time being overweight was part of how I judged my selfworth. How could someone wants a woman who weighs as much as I do? But you know what, the people who truly love could give a rat's a$$ what I weigh as long as I am happy. Yes I am aware that an STD is different. But there are medications you can take to protect other partners. You are not herpes. You are obviously a sensitive compassionate intelligent woman. Do something for yourself, something that makes you feel good and balanced. As for revenge, I believe, depending on where you live, that it MAY be illegal for him to keep knowingly transmit an STD to unknown partners. ~99 awwww agent 99; you brought smile to my face I so appreciate your morale support. No, I am not herpes... I also could not ever compromise someone's health by not disclosing and messing around. even if he used a condom; that isn't good enough. He even know that the first year I had it I had at least 15 very painful and bad outbreaks that year... you know that gift that keeps on giving.... I should look into the state laws about that... that would be a good one. I would more like to find out who the others are and fill them in-- on the other woman; me. and confront him but for starters, I did put his name on womansavers.com thanks
Author hummingbird Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I also believe that good people can make bad choices... such is human frailty. However, good people also realize their mistake and consciously try avoiding repeating them. As the old adage goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" While herpes is a very uncomfortable STD, the upside, if there is one, is that it's not life threatening. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have contracted it. Many don't know as they haven't had an outbreak. This can only ruin your life, if you choose to allow it to. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Difficult as it may seem now, HS doesn't have to be a deal breaker to a relationship. It does pose some problems and elements of risk, but can be managed to reduce the risk of transmission. What you really need to do at this point is to focus on yourself and what you want to do re: this R. He's proven selfish and uncaring of you; you need to decide if you want to live this way. I'm willing to bet you don't. HUH?? WTF?? Unbelievable!!! And incredibly stupid too! He knows better. Hey Tripper- I am going to focus on myself and what I need for me-- I gave this man, and our R my full heart and love and commitment-- I always put him in a place of top priorities in my life. It is beyond my comprehension how a guy could do this once and then KNOW the consequences; permanent and the pain it caused and then do so again-- and if there is an issue in our R; he should have talked about it, or addressed his needs upfront so we could have worked on them; but no-- if I didn't know better, I would have thought all was great between us. wrap my head around the concept ----- he is a physician --- he knows full well and moreso, knows my heart and how it broke the first time. people can be so warped. but yeah--I can't let herpes wreck my life... I do have so much to offer and share with someone. It just sucks because at my age, intimacy without worrying about pregnancy allowed me to be just sexually free and totally passionate; I quess I can still find that one day, but I never dreamed in my life that the one guy I thought to grow old with would just disregard ME so blatantly. I am grateful for the support. It is so hard to think that any one would want to be with me ever I have go to let go of this fear of being alone, and without a partner. I love to share life and hike and laugh but do so with a mate; y'know.. and I ain't gettin any younger either. I should be getting really pissed off ....... somehow- I hope Karma will find him, haunt him and then squash him where is lives. hugs to you --all
rose315 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I am grateful for the support. It is so hard to think that any one would want to be with me ever I have go to let go of this fear of being alone, and without a partner. I love to share life and hike and laugh but do so with a mate; y'know.. and I ain't gettin any younger either. I should be getting really pissed off ....... somehow- I hope Karma will find him, haunt him and then squash him where is lives. hugs to you --all (((Hugs))) I'm sorry all of this happened to you. I got an STD from my ex husband who cheated on me so I know how you feel (he gave me HPV which can cause cervical cancer in women as well as genital warts-which fortunately I only had 2 outbreaks in the past and then never got again). I forgave him anyways, and he continued to cheat on me with multiple women until he eventually left me for another woman. One of my biggest regrets is not being the one to leave his sorry behind in the dust! My ex husband's life has not been so great since he left me and to me that is the ultimate revenge. Good luck to you and I think you are going to be just fine
Agent_99 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 awwww agent 99; you brought smile to my face I so appreciate your morale support. No, I am not herpes... I also could not ever compromise someone's health by not disclosing and messing around. even if he used a condom; that isn't good enough. He even know that the first year I had it I had at least 15 very painful and bad outbreaks that year... you know that gift that keeps on giving.... I should look into the state laws about that... that would be a good one. I would more like to find out who the others are and fill them in-- on the other woman; me. and confront him but for starters, I did put his name on womansavers.com thanks humminbird~ You can talk to your local health department, they would know what the laws are. As to confronting him. Is it going to be a healing thing for you to confront him? In another post you said you should be getting really pissed. Right now you are just hurt, the anger will come later. At least that's how it works for me. Take care. ~99
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