Deja_Vu Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months tomorrow. I know I love him, but recently there have been so many complications. Is this normal? Do these constant up's and down's happen in every relationship? Here are some problems. Porn. He got caught with it before we started dating, blaming it on his friends. A few friends found out through the grapevine and told me. I confronted him about it, he didnt know I already knew the truth, so he lied to my face. Do I believe him? Is something I should be concerned about? Drugs. He lied to me about doing drugs while we were dating. He smoked pot twice, and he has not done druges since, though he lied at the time, felt bad, and confronted me about it. "Heat Check". He checks out other girls, and is a flirt. He calls this a part of his personality. He says he looks at other girls to see if they are looking at him because he is insecure. I hate it when he does this. Do all guys do that? Other girls. There is a friend of his, a girl, who so obviously has a thing for him, and he invited her to his house, without me being there. Should I be concerned, though I know he would never do anything? But if I knew he would never do anything, why does this worry me? I am also insecure about "affairs" becuase my dad cheated on my mother as a child, and this has always been a weakness of mine. Church. He is not active in his faith, and I am in mine. I feel like my walk with God has faltered majorly in the time we have been together because I feel like if I have a relationship with God, He will tell me that my BF isnt right for me. And I don't want that because I love him. My friends and family and mentors have been no help to me. They say "I will support you in whatever choice you make" and "Just do what's right, you'll know what to do". But those sentances don't help me at all. I am in love, he is my first love, and I want him to be my last. I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life. I tell myself that I know it will never last. I dont know if I am saying that because I know its true, or so it doesnt hurt as much when it happens. I need some real life advice.
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 the new 'Forever' is about 'up to 5 years' this guy is not serious material.. move on.. he's having too much fun for what you want from him..
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Porn. He got caught with it before we started dating, blaming it on his friends. A few friends found out through the grapevine and told me. I confronted him about it, he didnt know I already knew the truth, so he lied to my face. Do I believe him? Is something I should be concerned about? Nothing wrong with porn Drugs. He lied to me about doing drugs while we were dating. He smoked pot twice, and he has not done druges since, though he lied at the time, felt bad, and confronted me about it. He smoked pot twice hardly cause for concern. "Heat Check". He checks out other girls, and is a flirt. He calls this a part of his personality. He says he looks at other girls to see if they are looking at him because he is insecure. I hate it when he does this. Do all guys do that? Yeah that's normal Other girls. There is a friend of his, a girl, who so obviously has a thing for him, and he invited her to his house, without me being there. Should I be concerned, though I know he would never do anything? But if I knew he would never do anything, why does this worry me? I am also insecure about "affairs" becuase my dad cheated on my mother as a child, and this has always been a weakness of mine. Alright, that's slightly off...you need to talk about this. Church. He is not active in his faith, and I am in mine. I feel like my walk with God has faltered majorly in the time we have been together because I feel like if I have a relationship with God, He will tell me that my BF isnt right for me. And I don't want that because I love him. Right, this is not good at all... I need some real life advice. Doesn't sound like you're particularly compatible. If you want a church going squeaky clean guy then it might be an idea to find one.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 No one's perfect; guys and girls come in packaged deals. Either you can live with it or you cannot! I hardly find his pot smoking once or twice before you guys started dating constitutes anything to worry about! You mention he hasn't done it since, right?! And he was honest enough to tell you about it? I actually give him kudos for that! So the guy experimented once or twice. Even our presidents have! As for the porn, is it a huge problem?! Most guys look at porn. As long as it doesn't interfere with the sexual intimacy he gives you, well, not the end of the world, at least in my perspective. The flirting actually worries me! You say he does it for insecurity reasons, well, what's to say he doesn't feel EXTRA insecure one day and flirting leads to something else! As for the girl friend, I would have more of a problem with her lack of respect for your relationship than not trusting him! You mention that the insecurity stems from what happened in your childhood than him giving you reason to...on the other hand, maybe his excessive flirting worries you. Have you told him how you feel? Don't accuse him or anything, just let him know how you feel. The faith part might be a huge problem as well since it seems to REALLY REALLY matter a lot to you! He obviously doesn't care too much for it, so at the end of the day, the flirting and his lack of faith worries me much more than any of the other issues you're having! Not sure how this will help you, but you really have to let him go if what you want isn't him! I sense that you want this guy who fits your check list of what you want, and he isn't fitting it! You can't force the wrong puzzle piece and expect the puzzle to be completed! Just doesn't work that way! Good luck! My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months tomorrow. I know I love him, but recently there have been so many complications. Is this normal? Do these constant up's and down's happen in every relationship? Here are some problems. Porn. He got caught with it before we started dating, blaming it on his friends. A few friends found out through the grapevine and told me. I confronted him about it, he didnt know I already knew the truth, so he lied to my face. Do I believe him? Is something I should be concerned about? Drugs. He lied to me about doing drugs while we were dating. He smoked pot twice, and he has not done druges since, though he lied at the time, felt bad, and confronted me about it. "Heat Check". He checks out other girls, and is a flirt. He calls this a part of his personality. He says he looks at other girls to see if they are looking at him because he is insecure. I hate it when he does this. Do all guys do that? Other girls. There is a friend of his, a girl, who so obviously has a thing for him, and he invited her to his house, without me being there. Should I be concerned, though I know he would never do anything? But if I knew he would never do anything, why does this worry me? I am also insecure about "affairs" becuase my dad cheated on my mother as a child, and this has always been a weakness of mine. Church. He is not active in his faith, and I am in mine. I feel like my walk with God has faltered majorly in the time we have been together because I feel like if I have a relationship with God, He will tell me that my BF isnt right for me. And I don't want that because I love him. My friends and family and mentors have been no help to me. They say "I will support you in whatever choice you make" and "Just do what's right, you'll know what to do". But those sentances don't help me at all. I am in love, he is my first love, and I want him to be my last. I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life. I tell myself that I know it will never last. I dont know if I am saying that because I know its true, or so it doesnt hurt as much when it happens. I need some real life advice.
Daisyloo Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Church. He is not active in his faith, and I am in mine. I feel like my walk with God has faltered majorly in the time we have been together because I feel like if I have a relationship with God, He will tell me that my BF isnt right for me. And I don't want that because I love him. I'm not massively somone who can advise you in terms of faith and no one can really advise you on YOUR personal faith BUT ... it sounds like God and your faith are a large part of your life and feature highly in choices you make. If someone asked you who you love more - God or your guy - what would you honestly say? If you place enormous faith in God and you think he would question your relationship then it is certainly worth considering - no man or woman is worth denying your beliefs for and you don't want to feel in 3 years that you've lacked faith or conviction in God. I tell myself that I know it will never last. I dont know if I am saying that because I know its true, or so it doesnt hurt as much when it happens. And now away from faith and onto you (just you)... From what you say above you think you either know you shouldn't be with this guy OR you think it's gonna end anyway (they are kind of the same thing eventually sweetheart so be careful you're not staying with him out of fear of being alone or so as not to waste the time you've already invested). You sound like you should be with someone who has the same ideals, beliefs and goals as you. I really hope you get this one sorted in your own head and heart. Take care and look after yourself Xxx
KinAZ Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 OK... starting with spirituality first, I think that's a biggy. If you're thinking serious long term, like the possibility of marriage some day down the line... are you expecting this man to change? The truth is, you might spend an entire lifetime waiting for that to happen. Love, like, passion, desire aside, we need to be logical in our selections. With spirituality being something that carries over into child rearing, conflict resolution, future goals, life style, and so much more... if there is conflict there, it is something that will carry over into other areas of the relationship with time, if it hasn't already. I wouldn't say that you guys aren't compatible, but rather that you don't seem to be on the same page. Some say porn is OK, and others hate it. Again, are you expecting him to change. Some say a little weed every now and then never hurt anyone, some say it's totally wrong. Are you expecting him to change? Depending on how a guy goes about looking at other women... some say there's nothing wrong with it, others say that it's disrespectful. (I say, people are going to look on occasion, but it's EXTREMELY disrespectful to be obvious about it.) He says he does it because he is insecure, does he care at all if it makes you feel insecure? The above alone would make me drop a guy like a hot potato. That's so not cool. The porn and the weed... are those things you're willing to compromise on? Or are those things you are expecting him to change for you? Most people want to be accepted as they are, even if they know that a little compromise here and there is expected. As far as the female friend who has a thing for him... why would he need to invite her over while you weren't there? You might need to have an honest talk about this, with regard to his feelings if you decide to continue on with him. You may want to let him know that you don't have a problem with him having female friends but that you don't feel comfortable with her around him because you know she's after him. (or something along those lines) However you do it, you need to talk to him about boundaries and expectations.
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