princessconfused Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I am new here and just need some support. Here it is in a nutshell: Married 20 years, 2nd marriage, 1st marriage ended with his affair, I did the bounce back to the first person who looked at me. He is 12 years older than I am and was raised very old fashioned. I am a college graduate with 2 degrees. No children are involved. He is super jealous, I am not even allowed to talk to his brothers. I am not allowed to have any money on my person at any time, cannot go to the grocery store 2 blocks away by myself, not allowed to answer the phone. Any arguement ends with me saying I am sorry for everything. No physical abuse until 2 weeks ago when he grabbed my arm during an argument. There is more but this is just the highlight of it. I am in the process of leaving. Going through paperwork and clothing. Getting it all packed. I do have money stashed that a friend sent me through the mail and I do have our debit card if needed. The car is in my name and I have the only key. He is here 24/7. That is my biggest problem as far as leaving. I dont want the confrontation. I know, cowardly, but I just want out. Sounds like I am getting it done huh? Now I am having the thoughts of "it is not so bad" or "he is not so bad". I know I am doing this because it is all I have known for 20 years. I guess I am just scared of the unknown. Pleae reaffirm I am doing the right thing. Please.
Keridan Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Heck yes you are doing the right thing! That's not jealous, that's obsessive, controlling, and insane! Get away from that boy! That is NOT a healthy situation and it's not going to get better if you try and work it out. I'm very sorry for what you are going through and what it will take to get out of it, but it will only make life better in the long run. Please do not change your mind. I wish you all the best and hope you find far better days ahead!
Author princessconfused Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Heck yes you are doing the right thing! That's not jealous, that's obsessive, controlling, and insane! Get away from that boy! That is NOT a healthy situation and it's not going to get better if you try and work it out. Thank you for that paragraph. That helps me more than you will ever know. I have known all this for years and was too scared to face it. I am waiting on some paperwork that should be coming in Monday and I am planning on leaving one day next week. Some nights I am ok and checking my list to make sure I am getting everything together. The next night is like tonight, when I am scared to death. I dont think he will hurt me, he will just make my life hell.
Keridan Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Well, let me say first that you strike me as incredibly couragous to make this move. The situation you are in can be crippling. The very way he interacts with you seems to be designed, in part, to destroy self-reliance. The fact that you have made this choice and begun taking steps to see it through is one of the greatest shows of strength I've seen in a very long time! I have faith that you will be fine eventually. Until then, this forum is always a nice place to vent and find support. A lot of folks here are either getting out of a bad situation or have recently. You will find friends among us. Please do come here and vent or find support whenever you need it. Even if you don't, I would appreciate updates. Your story impresses me.
troubadour Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Run away as fast as you can... you have already wasted enough of your life with him.
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I am new here and just need some support. Here it is in a nutshell: Married 20 years, 2nd marriage, 1st marriage ended with his affair, I did the bounce back to the first person who looked at me. He is 12 years older than I am and was raised very old fashioned. I am a college graduate with 2 degrees. No children are involved. He is super jealous, I am not even allowed to talk to his brothers. I am not allowed to have any money on my person at any time, cannot go to the grocery store 2 blocks away by myself, not allowed to answer the phone. Any arguement ends with me saying I am sorry for everything. No physical abuse until 2 weeks ago when he grabbed my arm during an argument. There is more but this is just the highlight of it. I am in the process of leaving. Going through paperwork and clothing. Getting it all packed. I do have money stashed that a friend sent me through the mail and I do have our debit card if needed. The car is in my name and I have the only key. He is here 24/7. That is my biggest problem as far as leaving. I dont want the confrontation. I know, cowardly, but I just want out. Sounds like I am getting it done huh? Now I am having the thoughts of "it is not so bad" or "he is not so bad". I know I am doing this because it is all I have known for 20 years. I guess I am just scared of the unknown. Pleae reaffirm I am doing the right thing. Please. You are with Darth Vader. Beware him. His dark side powers are strong. He can control your mind with a wave of his hand. Nevertheless, he is evil. Get Luke to help you. It's his father.
Author princessconfused Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement last night. I was able to deal with it better today. I am still waiting on paperwork that I have to have to get out. I know it will be hard but I can do it. I am not really scared of the being on my own, what I am most scared of is actually telling him and leaving. I spoke with a local divorce attorney this week who knows the situation and is prepared to file as soon as possible when I leave. She is very supportive and even makes me call her at least once a day to check in and make sure I am ok! Thank goodness for small towns! My self-confidence is shot to heck but I am working on that. I already have some job leads. I will have to stay with family for a bit, but, I will be ok. I am not going to ask for the house. It is paid for but it needs alot of work (work that he refused to pay for) plus I know that will be the sore spot in the divorce. I would rather him pay me my half of the equity and let me go on. I wish I had been this thorough before I married him! Anyway, thank you for the words of encouragement.
Gunny376 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Seperation, independence ~ divorce if that word fits? I don't know what you'd call this but it isn't marriage anymore. He could call it whatever he wanted to ~ me? I'd call it QUITS! You had to be insane to spend another ten years of your life like this! Since your already in touch with an attorney, you might want to have her arrange for her to be there when you "drop the bomb" and/are with a police escort.
sedgwick Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Do you have another person to be with you when you leave?
Author princessconfused Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 No, I have only a couple of friends, of course, and would rather not get them in the middle of it. I do have one friend who has told me when I get ready to do it, to call them on my cell and just leave the line open with them, that way if it does get bad, they will call 911. I don't have a lot of faith in our local enforcement so not sure what good that will do me. I am getting out. I can't do this anymore. I am not scared of being on my own, looking really forward to it, just very scared of the day I tell him.
dgiirl Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 would rather not get them in the middle of it. I am sure any of your friends or loved ones would not MIND at all being there. I would be MORE upset with my friends if they DIDNT ask for my help. That's what friends are for! By the sounds of your marriage, I would be scared too! You are doing the right thing by leaving. Maybe he isnt as "bad as you think", but what you wrote is pretty bad, and whatever his issues are, HE needs to work them out. My grandmother was in an abusive marriage. She taught me that a woman has a responsibility to know how to be financially responsible. It's your RIGHT to have money in your wallet. It is your RIGHT to be able to talk to other men. It is your RIGHT to go to the grocery store. These are basic human RIGHTS! Stand up for your rights! But please be safe. This man sounds dangerous. On a good day, telling someone you want a divorce is hard enough and worrisome enough, not everyone takes the bad news well. And this is in marriages where there is no abuse. Your husband IS abusive. Please have someone there when you leave. Even if it's just outside waiting in the car until you come out.
Author princessconfused Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 He will never work out his issues. He is 59 yrs old and believe me, he won't learn new tricks. The one friend I do have that WOULD help me is 3 hours away (the one that told me to keep the phone line open) and has a disabled child so that is a no go. I dont think he will get violent because he is on disability now and I have told him over and over if he is convicted of a felony, he will lose the disability. He won't risk losing money over losing me.
Last_Nerve Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Is there a reason why you have to tell him to his face? I would not do that because you don’t know what he is going to do. When you walk out the door the final time leave a letter telling him that you aren’t coming back. I would slowly get my things out of the house even if you have to rent a storage building so you will have a place to put it. Take clothes out everyday just like you are taking them to the cleaners or something. Make sure you get the important papers out too. Forget about the debit card because he will cancel it if it is a joint account. Open up a new account and get your paycheck going there instead of the joint account. Cancel all the joint credit cards so you won’t be responsible for his bills and get an account in your name only. Go to the nearest Post Office and get a box so that you will have some where to have your mail forwarded to. I would rent one of those short term housing rentals until you make a definite decision about where you are going to live. After you leave the final time let your lawyer handle it and get your no changed on your cell phone so he won’t be harassing you. If you must go over there take a friend or someone because you don’t need to be alone with him. He is a very sick person and you don't need to be alone with him.
Author princessconfused Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 Is there a reason why you have to tell him to his face? I would not do that because you don’t know what he is going to do. When you walk out the door the final time leave a letter telling him that you aren’t coming back. I would slowly get my things out of the house even if you have to rent a storage building so you will have a place to put it. Take clothes out everyday just like you are taking them to the cleaners or something. Make sure you get the important papers out too. Forget about the debit card because he will cancel it if it is a joint account. Open up a new account and get your paycheck going there instead of the joint account. Cancel all the joint credit cards so you won’t be responsible for his bills and get an account in your name only. Go to the nearest Post Office and get a box so that you will have some where to have your mail forwarded to. I would rent one of those short term housing rentals until you make a definite decision about where you are going to live. After you leave the final time let your lawyer handle it and get your no changed on your cell phone so he won’t be harassing you. If you must go over there take a friend or someone because you don’t need to be alone with him. He is a very sick person and you don't need to be alone with him. The biggest problem is I am hardly ever allowed to leave the house by myself. I do have a PO Box I was able to rent about 3 months ago. I do have a new bank acct set up already (did it online). That is the one thing I am waiting on now is the debit card for the new account. (The bank was suppose to send it to their local branch - they messed up and it is coming to the house so having to watch the mail!) I am going to stay with my mother for a few months until I get back on my feet. (That is going to be fun! ) There are no credit cards in both of our names. All in mine. I have all my important paperwork boxed now and hopefully can get it out before I leave. It is hard to get anything out when my Mother or brother are here. He won't leave us alone long enough to do anything as far as getting clothing out or anything out. I think he is realizing that something is going on as he has been sticking to me like glue the past few days. It is so hard to act normal when you see the blue skies just over the ridge. I will have to get the cell number changed. A friend of mine got me the cell phone on their account (additional line + plus paying for it for me too) so I will get her to change the number for me when I leave. Thank you all for helping me and guiding me. Also, thank you so much for not making me feel like a complete idiot for marrying this man. I look back now and could just kick myself.
Recommended Posts