Say the words that I can't say (NC)

[wildsoul]

I've been processing a lot, and while I haven't had contact with my X for a day and a half, I hadn't declared an offical NC yet.

 

Predictably, he sent me an email today, saying he was going to be in my area on Saturday and needed to see me.

 

I replied no, and explained that I meant what I had said about not cheating with him, and that getting together would be a continuation of the affair. In re-reading it, I can see that I was perfectly clear, but still a bit sweeter/kinder than need be.

 

He responded short and with hostility. Misconstruing something nice that I said. Really, it's just that he's pissed that I said "no" and took the moral high ground, and he is trying to punish me by being caustic. Momentarily, I took the bait and felt a codependant surge of wanting to explain. I have a compulsive need for things to end nice and with love. Ugh. This isn't the first time I've found myself acting strong AND lovingly, only to have him react meanly so that I end up grovelling. WTF? This is unhealthy.

 

Clearly, he can't have a nice respectful end. He's either going to try to get it started again (like today) or continue finding reasons to be mad. As much as I wish that weren't the case. I can't fix his reactions so that they are more comfortable for me.

 

I must go into NC mode NOW, whether I feel ready or not. (Although I think I am ready.)

 

So what do I do next? I know not to call, so I'm thinking a BRIEF email. None of my usual fluffy stuff. I want to be kind and diplomatic, but more importantly CLEAR.

 

Can you please give me the words? What worked for you?

[GreenEyedLady]

Say these words:

 

Being married is your problem not mine. I am done. I will not be with a married man any longer.

 

That's what worked for me. Except that he actually did come through.

 

GEL

[wildsoul]

...but I clicked the send button anyway.

 

Here's what I wrote in an email:

 

***

"As long as you're still married and living with your wife, there's no possiblity for us to be together.

 

You can't ask to see me, knowing how much I miss you. It's not fair to try to try and seduce me that way.

 

It's also not fair for you to then get angry and make up some excuse to be offended when I turn you down as gently as I can. Go ahead and be angry at the situation, but stop taking it out on me.

 

Stop messing around with my heart.

 

Please go work on your marriage or work on your divorce, as the case may be.

 

Don't contact me again unless you're single."

***

 

True to form, he replied fast and purposely short. He changed the subject header to say "Re: Done" and that was it. Nothing in the body of the email. No kind words. He wanted it to sting...and it did.

 

OUCHIE. Ouch. Ouch. *sob*

[whichwayisup]

You did the right thing, even though you're in pain. His response just shows you what a baby he is, that he can't give you respect by just sending a short note saying I understand and I'm sorry I've hurt you, or something like that.

 

His ego is hurting and he's being a jerk.

 

So, for your own best interest, go NC. If he writes you, don't answer. Maybe blocking him would be better that way you're not tempted to write back.

 

Be with friends, family, neighbours, don't isolate yourself right now.

[Angel1111]

I guess I'm one of the few people around here who isn't a big fan of NC but I would recommend not sending anything to him about this. I don't think it's a big flaw to want to end things nicely but if he wants to miscontrue your words, that's his choice. Yes, he's baiting you because he knows how you'll react to his displeasure. I don't know your whole story but I just think that NC is extremely final and unless someone is abusive, I really don't get the point of it.

 

To me, this is what NC really says:

 

"I don't have the strength to turn you down or not talk to you when I don't feel like it so I'm going to create this rule about never speaking to you ever again as long as I live because you have been that horrible to me and deserve this kind of treatment. And then I can torture myself for the next several months thinking that I might have done the wrong thing and wondering what I was thinking. And then I'll break that rule because I can't stand it anymore and that will give me just one more thing to feel bad about."

 

Yeah, this is great idea.

 

Personally, I think it's much more entertaining to keep turning him down when he wants to meet up with you. The next time he does it, say "Oh, wow! I didn't hear about your divorce! Congratulations!" When he asks why you would say that, say, "Because surely you wouldn't be propositioning me when I already told you that I'm not going to cheat with you! Bye, honey." See? That's a lot more fun.

 

Ok....well, do what cha gotta do. I'm just here to tell you that you're going to be back on this board talking about how you're having regrets about going NC, blah...blah....blah.

[Angel1111]

...but I clicked the send button anyway.

 

Here's what I wrote in an email:

 

***

"As long as you're still married and living with your wife, there's no possiblity for us to be together.

 

You can't ask to see me, knowing how much I miss you. It's not fair to try to try and seduce me that way.

 

It's also not fair for you to then get angry and make up some excuse to be offended when I turn you down as gently as I can. Go ahead and be angry at the situation, but stop taking it out on me.

 

Stop messing around with my heart.

 

Please go work on your marriage or work on your divorce, as the case may be.

 

Don't contact me again unless you're single."

***

 

True to form, he replied fast and purposely short. He changed the subject header to say "Re: Done" and that was it. Nothing in the body of the email. No kind words. He wanted it to sting...and it did.

 

OUCHIE. Ouch. Ouch. *sob*

 

Whoops! Sorry, I didn't see this before. Hey, I have to say that was well written. And that wasn't very gracious of him to act that way when he's the one who chooses to stay married. Oh, well. You did good.

[Mino]

...but I clicked the send button anyway.

 

Here's what I wrote in an email:

 

***

"As long as you're still married and living with your wife, there's no possiblity for us to be together.

 

You can't ask to see me, knowing how much I miss you. It's not fair to try to try and seduce me that way.

 

It's also not fair for you to then get angry and make up some excuse to be offended when I turn you down as gently as I can. Go ahead and be angry at the situation, but stop taking it out on me.

 

Stop messing around with my heart.

 

Please go work on your marriage or work on your divorce, as the case may be.

 

Don't contact me again unless you're single."

***

 

True to form, he replied fast and purposely short. He changed the subject header to say "Re: Done" and that was it. Nothing in the body of the email. No kind words. He wanted it to sting...and it did.

 

OUCHIE. Ouch. Ouch. *sob*

No ouchie ouchie!! I have seen this many times before...typical reaction when they cant have it there way.. Now it becomes a power struggle...He says nothing... Then he waits... waits for you to crawl back... DON"T... I bet Ya 100 dolaars he will call within a week... crying,, or wanting to talk... Stay strong,

[wildsoul]

Ugh. He is being a real a**.

 

He already sent me a series of text messages, saying stuff like "I deleted all accounts and references to you," and "when I do have my freedom and start my life anew, I won't be ignighting old flames," and he also called me an "actress," implying that I didn't love him. And a last one that said simply, "Go Away!"

 

So he couldn't be the least bit gracious, he had to blow it all up at ME! Insanity. He cannot stand to be abandoned, shamed, denied sex, whatever the hell it is that's triggering him, and so he has to assinate me.

 

Guess I'm not the "soul mate" that he wants to spend the rest of his life with afterall. And though I'm in deep deep agony right now, I'm a little relieved. With soul mates like this, who needs enemies?

[whichwayisup]

As long as he is being a big jerk-off, continue to ignore him. He is being mean on purpose, trying to hurt you. This is a big reaction because you stood up to him and the control he had over you has shifted. It bugs him, that he's losing control.

[Tomcat33]

He is extremly angry those are words of rejection he is throwing your way don't take them to heart.He is being immature about being cut off. Let it pass, it will pass, in no time he will be trying again and apologizing for being angry at you. They often go through an angry phase, and then once that settles the deep sorrow sets in, that's when they usually contact to say they miss you and can't stop thinking about you.

 

I hate to say it but THAT'S text book so don't worry about the angry things he is saying to you now, worry about how you will handle when he starts to butter you up again. That is the dangerous part not what he is doing now.

 

 

I rememeber after I broke up with mine and he had been trying to contact me again and I refused to return his attempts I came home to some stuff left on my doorstep with and EXTREMELY hurtful letter that he had hand written to me saying some really mean things, things that were completly out of character for him since he had never EVER said anything remotely hurtful to me even in an argument.

 

I later found out he wrote me the letter on the spot because it was a saturday night and I was not home and he had hoped to catch me at home to talk to me in person (since I would not return his contact attempts) and he was so infuriated that I was out on a saturday night he had assumed I was already dating someone and he said those mean things so that I would actually break the silence and contact him.

 

He wants a reaction, he wants to know he is still in power. DON'T react.

[Tomcat33]

As long as he is being a big jerk-off, continue to ignore him. He is being mean on purpose, trying to hurt you. This is a big reaction because you stood up to him and the control he had over you has shifted. It bugs him, that he's losing control.

 

 

STOP THAT!

we wrote the exact same thing at the same time!

[Angel1111]

Ugh. He is being a real a**.

 

He already sent me a series of text messages, saying stuff like "I deleted all accounts and references to you," and "when I do have my freedom and start my life anew, I won't be ignighting old flames," and he also called me an "actress," implying that I didn't love him. And a last one that said simply, "Go Away!"

 

So he couldn't be the least bit gracious, he had to blow it all up at ME! Insanity. He cannot stand to be abandoned, shamed, denied sex, whatever the hell it is that's triggering him, and so he has to assinate me.

 

Guess I'm not the "soul mate" that he wants to spend the rest of his life with afterall. And though I'm in deep deep agony right now, I'm a little relieved. With soul mates like this, who needs enemies?

 

Wow, this guy is really immature. You were about as nice as a person could be about this and he has launched into World War III. I think this is an indication of what goes on in his marriage. Not good. I know you're hurting but you just dodged a bullet, sister.

[wildsoul]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

 

Your kindness and wisdom are life lines to me tonight.

 

I'm trying to get some in person support too. In the past, I've gone to some codependance/relationship type support groups. I moved to a new area, and looked up the schedule yesterday, but tonight when I drove 45-min each way to get to one, there was nobody there. The info on the phone recording was outdated, I guess.

 

Everything you're saying makes sense. Yes, yes of course these dynamics run in predictable patterns. The rage reaction completely threw me. It's scary how it activates my compulsive "try like hell to make him feel better" and pity party abandonment issues. I need to stick around and learn from you.

 

Again, THANK YOU. I'm really touched by your help. I'm usually the one helping others and almost never ask for help. You have all been here for me in some very dark hours when I most needed it.

[Angel1111]

Ugggg.....that's awful about driving 45 min and no one being there. A perfect way to top off a sucky evening, huh? Aw, I'm really sorry. You should not have had to go through that.

 

I ended things with a guy once and I knew he loved me but he never acted the way your MM acted. He was very gracious about it, even though I knew he was hurting. It really raised my level of respect for him. Your MM is playing a very mean game with you saying the things he has said. You're smart not to respond to this stuff because that's exactly what he wants you to do. And, when that tactic doesn't work, he'll start calling and texting you telling you how much he loves you and can't live without you. Which reminds me of an expression I heard a long time ago - it's one of my favs: "If you can't live without me, how come you're not dead yet?" I don't, there's just something about that that tickles me. Maybe I'm twisted....I don't know.

 

Well, I hope it at least makes you feel good to know that you did the right thing for yourself, and actually stood your ground. You gotta pat yourself on the back for that, huh? He has had the rug pulled out from under him and he's not liking it one tiny bit. This man thought he had you right where he wanted you and he's shocked to discover otherwise. What stands out the most to me is that you must mean an awful lot to him for him to get this wound up at it. That's gotta make you feel good, too. If he wasn't deeply invested in having you, then he wouldn't be acting this way. Of course, if there were an ounce of maturity in him, he wouldn't act this way no matter how invested he was. Regardless, this is the behavior of a spoiled man reacting to his favorite toy being taken away.

 

So, just sit back and enjoy letting him do his little dance. And he's going to wake up with so much regret tomorrow that he's going to feel the need to 'dance' some more. Try to feel good that you got to him, the same as he got to you. Take care and keep us posted.

[bentnotbroken]

He is showing the real him. When the passion phase of any relationship is in full bloom so to speak, we all put on our best behavior. Now that there is something not going his way, the real person shows up. You can't fake hostility for the most part. If you truly care for someone you can't hurt them intentionally.(why Mr. Messy's claims of realizing he loves me, fell on deaf ears)These maybe some of the traits that his w has dealt with and has helped to shape their relationship. Now is the time for you to open your eyes wide, no matter how you hurt right now. Because if you don't, you maybe hurt a lot worse in the future. You could be in his w's shoes.

[OpenBook]

I know you're hurting but you just dodged a bullet, sister.

 

I could not have said this better myself. Wow, what a jerk. Have you ever seen signs like this in him before?? Any man who reacts this way is a control freak. Male control freaks are the bane of our existence as women... and men like this should be avoided at all costs. (Actually, I think they should be drawn and quartered for it - but that's just me!)

 

And you REALLY didn't need the useless trip to the empty support-group place! That's like calling 911 and getting a recorded message to please hold. Absolutely outrageous. They should be reported to the nearest watchdog agency in your area.

 

<<<Hugs to wildsoul>>> From personal experience (and lots of it!!) I do know that chocolate helps in times like these. It helps a lot. In fact, anything that brings comfort to you right now (and doesn't kill you) is definitely in order.

 

Hang in there, wildsoul. We're rooting for you!!

[torranceshipman]

What a great email you sent him, well done! And he is sending you all those crappy emails/texts cause his pride has been killed!-and he is hurt-he deserves it! And like other posters said, he is showing his true colors here-what a baby! The guy seems very immature - so carry on the NC and retain that power you have over the situation - do NOT contact him for any reason (other than the restraining order down the road, lol, if he continues like this!)...I am guessing your recovery from this might be faster than for others as YOU took control, showed real dignity and pride here and you should feel really proud of yourself.

[whichwayisup]

STOP THAT!

we wrote the exact same thing at the same time!

 

Really eh?

 

Stay strong Wild and don't cave. You can do this by putting yourself first and know that what you're doing (the NC) is for YOUR benefit. The NC purpose is about you.

[astra77]

He is showing the real him. When the passion phase of any relationship is in full bloom so to speak, we all put on our best behavior. Now that there is something not going his way, the real person shows up. You can't fake hostility for the most part. If you truly care for someone you can't hurt them intentionally.(why Mr. Messy's claims of realizing he loves me, fell on deaf ears)These maybe some of the traits that his w has dealt with and has helped to shape their relationship. Now is the time for you to open your eyes wide, no matter how you hurt right now. Because if you don't, you maybe hurt a lot worse in the future. You could be in his w's shoes.

 

AMEN TO THAT. In the final month of my A, i became distant to test the waters and get a reaction out of my mm, sure it worked, but not to my complete liking. My xmm is in a unhealthy M - his W is emotionally abusive, HOWEVER, i began to see why his W was like that - xmm was a pain in the ass when it came to conflict. I sympathised with his W - felt a little sorry for her, made me see that i had been pulled into their unhealthy world and i dont want a bar of it. I was his favorite toy, when i stopped being so, he sulked like a baby and spat the dummy. I dont have to worry about NC as he isnt talking to me - im the one struggling with NC, not him.