fral945 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Maybe our generation (or Western society, my mom is Japanese), places too much emphasis on romance and not enough on just being... happy. I think you hit the nail on the head. Eastern societies have more of a group mentality and Western has more of an individual mentality. There are lessons to be learned from both, but I think Eastern societies have a more realistic view on interpersonal relationships, while Western societies have a more idealistic view. I wish there was a class for young women or girls that would teach them what your mom told you, that there needs to be some de-emphasis on the romance. It shouldn't go away completely, but there is definitely way too much emphasis on it. I'm still single, and a lot of times I'll meet a woman and realize right away she's not ready for a real relationship. She has these romantic ideals of how her life will play out (the fairy tale wedding, honeymoon, kids, etc) and a very unrealistic view of what married life will be like. I've actually had a few tell me this early on in the relationship. I don't know where they learn it, I can only guess from TV, movies, and mom. But many young women take it and run with it, I guess because in their fantasy world that is how is works out. (Must be comparable to my fantasy world, where I have 50 beautiful women in my bed every night.) Of course, I know mine will never come true, but I think many women hold on to their fantasy. If only they had a more realistic view about life. If there were only more women like your mother, lol.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I think you hit the nail on the head. Eastern societies have more of a group mentality and Western has more of an individual mentality. There are lessons to be learned from both, but I think Eastern societies have a more realistic view on interpersonal relationships, while Western societies have a more idealistic view. I wish there was a class for young women or girls that would teach them what your mom told you, that there needs to be some de-emphasis on the romance. It shouldn't go away completely, but there is definitely way too much emphasis on it. I'm still single, and a lot of times I'll meet a woman and realize right away she's not ready for a real relationship. She has these romantic ideals of how her life will play out (the fairy tale wedding, honeymoon, kids, etc) and a very unrealistic view of what married life will be like. I've actually had a few tell me this early on in the relationship. I don't know where they learn it, I can only guess from TV, movies, and mom. But many young women take it and run with it, I guess because in their fantasy world that is how is works out. (Must be comparable to my fantasy world, where I have 50 beautiful women in my bed every night.) Of course, I know mine will never come true, but I think many women hold on to their fantasy. If only they had a more realistic view about life. If there were only more women like your mother, lol. It's just not us women! Men think this way, too. We've been brought up in a greedy world that has pervaded into every aspect of our lives. I'm 30, but I've seen younger people in the workplace who are just so entitled and think they deserve everything! We've been brought up to think this: that we shouldn't settle for anything less than "perfection." The problem is "perfect" does not exist. I have realized as I've gotten older that my views on life are little different than my peers, because of the way I was brought up. I was taught to work hard and I'll be rewarded, to be happy with the simple things, because less is more. But, I digress! I still want romance and those feelings of warm fuzzies, but I know these things can be cultivated and not necessarily automatic. You can have all the ingredients, but that cake doesn't make itself, and when you get it, you shouldn't gobble it all up, but savor it slowly,.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Romance, passion, and infatuation are all different things. But I agree, we do place too much emphasis on "love at first sight" and "being in love" and so many people expect romantic bliss to be just as it is in the movies. Life just isn't like that. Good relationships all take a degree of work to make them good. It won't always be romantic and passionate, and in some cases (look at those who start out as friends) it doesn't even begin that way. Plain and simple, it takes more than looks, sex, and flowers to maintain a healthy relationship. But... I think one of the main problems is that people go into relationships looking for what they can get, what the other person can give to them, but not what they can give to that other person. They want to be smitten, and often forget to over look quality, as being smitten and having quality is just too "picky" or something. As well, people look for relationships to make them happy, or some other wrong reason. I say two people should already be generally happy in the idea situation, and look for someone who not only compliments them, but who they compliment as well. Look at the cases of trophy wives and husbands... that's a situation that's clearly looking at a trade off, and not what both people have to offer. It's "I deserve" and "I want", but we don't always take enough time to consider what the other person wants and deserves. We choose to create romance just as we choose to show love, appreciation, and affection, and likewise choose to accept and appreciate it from others. Passion is something we can have as well... when appreciate what it is that we have, or simply appreciate it enough to make it better. Passion is your level of caring, and we choose that too. If you think of your mate as "he doesn't have this and that, but he'll do" I wouldn't expect you to be very passionate. But if you instead think of the reason he will do, and are passionate and appreciated because of that... and it's mutual... all of those other things can follow. The age of consumerism... we pick cellphones better than we pick relationships. I agree with everything here. Some people might think we are not romantic, but I can't think of anything more romantic and lovey than opening your heart and choosing to love and appreciating someone for who they truly are.
fral945 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 It's just not us women! Men think this way, too. We've been brought up in a greedy world that has pervaded into every aspect of our lives. I'm 30, but I've seen younger people in the workplace who are just so entitled and think they deserve everything! We've been brought up to think this: that we shouldn't settle for anything less than "perfection." The problem is "perfect" does not exist. I have realized as I've gotten older that my views on life are little different than my peers, because of the way I was brought up. I was taught to work hard and I'll be rewarded, to be happy with the simple things, because less is more. But, I digress! I still want romance and those feelings of warm fuzzies, but I know these things can be cultivated and not necessarily automatic. You can have all the ingredients, but that cake doesn't make itself, and when you get it, you shouldn't gobble it all up, but savor it slowly,. I know, I know.....but this discussion is about you ladies and romance, right? We can cover men another time. I agree, the sense of entitlement is pretty prevalent. I noticed it with many friends when I was in high school and college, but I think that's mostly due to how I was raised (and the fact that I was always a little different and weird, lol). I've studied a good bit of eastern religion and find its teachings very useful to counteract modern life, because they tend to promote the middle road, controlling desires and expectations, and not the mindset of most Americans nowadays to expect the best in everything. I find even my parents, friends, etc. complaining or griping about frivolous things, and I'll tell them "Who cares? Life is not perfect." I think it is human nature to want more, and the best. You have to teach yourself that sometimes good enough is enough. It's hard to be happy if you always want more of everything. I think that is where Western society can learn something from Eastern society.
monkey00 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Being an asian guy that grew up in the states, I agree that the eastern mentality is very much about collectivism vs Western where it's more about individualism where it's often preached about finding yourself. I wholeheartedly agree though, it's a great standard to live by. If you don't know who you are and love yourself at the same time, what makes you think you'll be happy in a relationship? While Eastern values are more old-fashioned I think it has a lot to learn from the West. Eastern tradition likes to focus on family, strong ties, the elderly...which of course obviously also means starting your own family early and having kids. In the old days, a lot of a marriages were arranged - some do still exist but as much as it used to. From my relatives that I've seen who were married in arranged marriages - there's usually one party that's bitter throughout the entire marriage but they would never divorce for the sake of the kids and upholding familial obligations. If you ask me divorce is a western ideal. It happens among eastern people, but not as much as you'd expect. In many ways divorce is about individualism and being free from a life that challenges your right to happiness. A few days ago I made a post about a friend getting married, well she and her family are asian. What some of you didn't understand about the post was I was speaking from broader perspective about values and obligations. In a lot of ways my western counterpart likes to challenge my eastern counterpart. But all in all there are a lot of upsides and downsides to both, which could learn a lot from each other.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 This is where the phrase "marriage of inconvenience" comes in. I've seen my fair share of failed marriages, the most influential one being my mother's. She didn't marry out of love or romance, she married out of necessity. She had me out of wedlock, and married an abusive man before divorcing him after 10 years. Then a year and a half later, she married another aggressive man, who was slightly less abusive, but had trouble respecting her. I've never trusted any of the men in her life, and when I asked her why she didn't divorce him since she's always so unhappy, the only response was that she hadn't wanted to be alone when she's old. Her response repulsed me because she makes it sound like we can't live our lives without depending on another person. My mother's always been weak, but our differing views stems from the environment we grew up in. She grew up in China while I grew up here in the States, therefore I see things with a more liberated view than the conservative ways in which she's been brought up. My guess is that she wants the relationship that her mom and dad had, they were married for almost 60 years before my grandfather passed away from cancer. My grandfather was a great man, and therefore I can see why my mom wants to find a man who would treat her with kindness and respect. Yet as she grows older, my mom saw the potential of finding the "one" dwindling, and that was why she settled down for the first man available to her. Seeing the path that she has chosen has made me realize that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. Neither is romance.
refurb Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I'm one of those guy who appreciate the simple things in life. If I can hold an intelligent conversation with a girl, make a connection and find her physically attractive (I find most women physically attractive) I'm good. When you find a woman who can just enjoy the simple things, life is great. RF
Author pandagirl Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 I wish you would tell that to some of the guys I've dated!
vonerik012 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 It's just not us women! Men think this way, too. We've been brought up in a greedy world that has pervaded into every aspect of our lives. I'm 30, but I've seen younger people in the workplace who are just so entitled and think they deserve everything! We've been brought up to think this: that we shouldn't settle for anything less than "perfection." The problem is "perfect" does not exist. I have realized as I've gotten older that my views on life are little different than my peers, because of the way I was brought up. I was taught to work hard and I'll be rewarded, to be happy with the simple things, because less is more. But, I digress! I still want romance and those feelings of warm fuzzies, but I know these things can be cultivated and not necessarily automatic. You can have all the ingredients, but that cake doesn't make itself, and when you get it, you shouldn't gobble it all up, but savor it slowly,. Excellent post. I wish more American women had this mindset, but they don't,so I have chosen to date foreign women. Well, some do, but I am thinking they get snatched up quickly. It's so nice to hear people date, get married, work together, then become successful. As opposed to single women with the entitlement attitude that have huge lists of what they THINK they deserve in a mate.
Author pandagirl Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 Excellent post. I wish more American women had this mindset, but they don't,so I have chosen to date foreign women. Well, some do, but I am thinking they get snatched up quickly. It's so nice to hear people date, get married, work together, then become successful. As opposed to single women with the entitlement attitude that have huge lists of what they THINK they deserve in a mate. I just would like to state again that this just doesn't apply to women. Men totally think this way, too!
Recommended Posts