pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Now that I'm 30, my mom thinks I should be married, asking me: "Haven't you met any nice boys in NY?" HA! If she only knew... She just told me about how she knew my dad was the right one: "You know, I didn't like him until the third date. But I knew I found the right man because I could be myself. I was comfortable and happy with him!" She discounted passion and infatuation in lieu of being content and happy. They've been happily married for 40 years, so maybe she's onto something. Maybe our generation (or Western society, my mom is Japanese), places too much emphasis on romance and not enough on just being... happy.
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Now that I'm 30, my mom thinks I should be married, asking me: "Haven't you met any nice boys in NY?" HA! If she only knew... She just told me about how she knew my dad was the right one: "You know, I didn't like him until the third date. But I knew I found the right man because I could be myself. I was comfortable and happy with him!" She discounted passion and infatuation in lieu of being content and happy. They've been happily married for 40 years, so maybe she's onto something. Maybe our generation (or Western society, my mom is Japanese), places too much emphasis on romance and not enough on just being... happy. I've been leaning more toward this myself lately, and this sentiment was also echoed by my mother. There was passion in the beginning of my current situation, but it has waned a bit now. But I find that I can be myself with him regardless, and that I'm just "happy" when with him. I think the collective *we* are all looking for something idealistic, some magic spell that will happen and lightning will strike. Birds will sing. We'll be walking on a cloud. No one can MAKE us happy. We either are or aren't. In fact, I broke my engagement because I was very unhappy. In a situation that a lot of women might be envious of, and I left because I was seriously discontent. I knew it couldn't last, at least not for me. I'd rather be alone than paired up and miserable.
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Up until very recently, I really thought I'd just magically meet some guy one day in the grocery store and birds WOULD sing and fireworks would erupt and we'd just fall in love and get married. Then I started to realize that everytime I felt that way, things never worked out. I have been around guys where I thought my heart would explode, my knees shook, walking on air... They were perfect. Good for flings and heartache, but that's about it. Now I know a relationships that LASTS cannot be sustained on emotions, but moreso based on compatibility, trust and genuine caring and affection. Of course, chemistry and sexual attraction are a must, but I'd rather sustain a slow simmering of passion for the next 30 years with someone, rather than a blast in the beginning and wondering where it went 6 months later.
wierdmunky Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Is romance too sickening for everyone these days?
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Agreed. I think we have this need for instant gratification in relationships because everything else seems instantaneous in society now, with technology, etc. But people don't work that way. Not really. The guy I'm dating told me he wanted to take it very slow, as he'd experienced the same things, the quick flame that burned out quickly. Since we've reconnected after not seeing each other for 15 years, he's probably right. No matter how our emotions may be burning right now, we don't stand a chance long term if we don't pace ourselves.
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Is romance too sickening for everyone these days? Absolutely not! It's just that, maybe it shouldn't be the primary focus. You can have romance without a real, lasting relationship. But with a relationship where you're friends, true companions who truly care for each other, maybe the romance just happens naturally, isn't forced or superficial, IMO.
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Is romance too sickening for everyone these days? I'm not saying I don't like romance! I'm just...I'm beginning to realize what's even more important than romance.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Romance is love and love is romance... If two people actively work at growing in love, they won't loose the romance. If anything, it should make them even more wanting to be romantic. The stresses of the world should want you to escape them in the arms and eyes of your spouse. No, it is not easy. It never has been and it never will be. But, you two have to be strong for this is what TRUE LOVE is. DNR
quankanne Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Is romance too sickening for everyone these days? nope! romance is wonderful, but there needs to be substance to a relationship for it to succeed. Kinda like eating a piece of cake that looks really tasty and decadent and expecting it to fulfill your hunger for six hours or overnight, when a solid meal is what your body really needs. panda, I loved my husband pretty much from the moment I knew him, but interestingly enough, I didn't see him as "marriage" material – I was in love with The One, a college guy who had broken it off with me to be with the love of HIS life, another student's wife! I'd be lying if I said me and DH were about romance, though we got along well enough from the start. Looking back to the beginning (almost 20 years ago), I'd have to say that my soul recognized him even though my brain and my heart were a little bit slow :laugh: an ex's mother explained it best: She said that when you meet the man you're meant to be with, it's a sure feeling. Sounds vague, but trust me, you'll know because the unknown isn't scary, but more of personally tailored adventure you know you can enjoy the rest of your life. I realized he was my future because I could see us in our old age, hanging out on the front porch in our rocking chairs, enjoying our time together simply because we *were* together.
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Is romance too sickening for everyone these days? nope! romance is wonderful, but there needs to be substance to a relationship for it to succeed. Kinda like eating a piece of cake that looks really tasty and decadent and expecting it to fulfill your hunger for six hours or overnight, when a solid meal is what your body really needs. panda, I loved my husband pretty much from the moment I knew him, but interestingly enough, I didn't see him as "marriage" material – I was in love with The One, a college guy who had broken it off with me to be with the love of HIS life, another student's wife! I'd be lying if I said me and DH were about romance, though we got along well enough from the start. Looking back to the beginning (almost 20 years ago), I'd have to say that my soul recognized him even though my brain and my heart were a little bit slow :laugh: an ex's mother explained it best: She said that when you meet the man you're meant to be with, it's a sure feeling. Sounds vague, but trust me, you'll know because the unknown isn't scary, but more of personally tailored adventure you know you can enjoy the rest of your life. I realized he was my future because I could see us in our old age, hanging out on the front porch in our rocking chairs, enjoying our time together simply because we *were* together. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband! But it sounds like you weren't sure of him from the beginning, because you were blinded by your love for "The One." Yeah, I recently dated a guy who I wasn't so sure about, because though I reallly liked him and was attracted to him, I wasn't feeling those fireworks and thought that was a sign of something wrong. However, I felt so happy and comfortable around him -- like I'd known him my entire life. Ironically, he dumped me because HE didn't feel that I was The One. ha! I know some people think your significant other shouldn't be your best friend, but I've always said I want to marry my best friend who I also want to bone.
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I know some people think your significant other shouldn't be your best friend, but I've always said I want to marry my best friend who I also want to bone. :lmao:
bayouboi Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I blame Walt freaking Disney and Hollywood for how screwed up you women are these days.
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I blame Walt freaking Disney and Hollywood for how screwed up you women are these days. Whoa buddy! Screwed up how? How is not freaking out and not being clingy and not expecting wine and roses everyday being screwed up??
quankanne Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 *smile* it was more of a case of overlooking a good thing at the time, because I was star-struck by the other guy! I just know that not all people are meant to be married. Nothing good ever came from a rushed marriage that was more out of obligation than anything. that's an interesting way of looking at it! I was more of the kind of girl who put men into two categories: The guys you were friends with and the guys you slept with, "and never the twain shall meet," as one of my guy roommates used to joke. But DH was both (and that was my other sign that he was a keeper).
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Whoa buddy! Screwed up how? How is not freaking out and not being clingy and not expecting wine and roses everyday being screwed up?? While I think I know what you mean, but most guys take these things very literally. And we hate to say things that might give you ladies the idea that we won't, can't do all these things everyday. We can't always tell you we love you everytime you thing we should. We are sometimes going to say something mean. Sometimes we are going to have another woman on the mind. Sometimes the job is going to come before you. And other things like this. This is the natural part of ANY relationship. Now for Bayouboi... WE ALL (women AND men) are dealing with the curse of "tradition", culture, movies, books, personal fantasies and ideas, or what have you. Men are just as much working in a fantasy world as women are when it comes to love. We want to think we are marrying every woman. That she is going to be that sex fiend we watch on porn. She is going to look good for all her life. She is going to watch the kids and do the house chorus and stuff like that, all the days of our lives. But, you know what WE NEED THESE! Why? They inspire us to seek love so that we can see if we can acheive some of these fantasy dreams and concepts. Women want to believe that man will be her ultimate protector, best friend, provider, and prince. Guys want to beleive they can find that Jenna Jameson in bed, the perfect maid and cook, and other things that appeals to them. Now the problem is when one can't let reality direct those fantasies to within realistic limits. Husbands and wives are going to fight. Food is not going to be on the table all the time. Sex is not going to always be mind blowing. Fantasy is great and should be used for exactly what they are meant for, seeing beyond the limitations and being willing to try. But, not to the point where limitations aren't acknowledged and dealt with appropriately. DNR
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I just know that not all people are meant to be married. Nothing good ever came from a rushed marriage that was more out of obligation than anything. We have both mentioned this as our perspective while sipping coffee and enjoying the surrounding scenery. He's said the one thing he wasn't able to find was someone with that "certain independence." I think women in his past reached a year point and automatically thought he was supposed to sign on as their husband. Kind of a narrow way of looking at it, IMO. Sounds like they were all about the "obligation." He hasn't had involvement with women last much beyond that, and we're mid-30s.
CaliGuy Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 We live in a world of instant gratification, of not wanting to have to "work" and of expecting everything to come easy. Therefore, it comes as no surprise to me that people get married on the fly, divorce on a whim and cheat like it's no big deal. To them, it isn't. To them, life is all about "getting what we all deserve." I get the "Why aren't you married?! You are a great catch!" line all the time. It isn't that I don't want to be married. I just haven't found that one person that let's me be me and accepts me for who I am. The minute I find her, I think we'll both be extremely happy for life
torranceshipman Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I'd love to be more easily pleased I think your mum speaks words of wisdom! But I remember falling in love once with so much intensity - bam - it was incredible...a real magic moment for both of us....we both had to leave our home town for college after a few months (we were young) but wow, we both were so blown way by that and we still keep in touch now...and the conversations are never just 100% friendly - we still hold a candle for eachother (lives set up on the opposite sides of the country now)...we even spoke of a visit recently and speaking to eachother makes us both feel likehigh school kids again! - but anyway, remembering what that felt like makes it hard to commit to someone 100% without feelin at last part of that magic again. Ah young love Actually if I never have that again I'll stil feel lucky I felt it once!
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I'd love to be more easily pleased I think your mum speaks words of wisdom! But I remember falling in love once with so much intensity - bam - it was incredible...a real magic moment for both of us....we both had to leave our home town for college after a few months (we were young) but wow, we both were so blown way by that and we still keep in touch now...and the conversations are never just 100% friendly - we still hold a candle for eachother (lives set up on the opposite sides of the country now)...we even spoke of a visit recently and speaking to eachother makes us both feel likehigh school kids again! - but anyway, remembering what that felt like makes it hard to commit to someone 100% without feelin at last part of that magic again. Ah young love Actually if I never have that again I'll stil feel lucky I felt it once! First love is probably one of the most powerful things a person can experience! My girlfriend and I always talk about our first loves and get all wistful about how we'll probably never feel that way again (she's happily engaged now, btw). As you get older though, your priorities change in relatinoships!
Jilly Bean Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 That's funny, PG. My Mom also told me she was comfortable with my Dad. Together almost 50 years...
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 That's funny, PG. My Mom also told me she was comfortable with my Dad. Together almost 50 years... Seems like a lot of our moms have told us this. Maybe that's why the divorce rates weren't so high back then! haha.
Lizzie60 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Now that I'm 30, my mom thinks I should be married, asking me: "Haven't you met any nice boys in NY?" HA! If she only knew... She just told me about how she knew my dad was the right one: "You know, I didn't like him until the third date. But I knew I found the right man because I could be myself. I was comfortable and happy with him!" She discounted passion and infatuation in lieu of being content and happy. They've been happily married for 40 years, so maybe she's onto something. Maybe our generation (or Western society, my mom is Japanese), places too much emphasis on romance and not enough on just being... happy. I think you should NOT get married... you're still too young..
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I think you should NOT get married... you're still too young.. AGREED! I feel like I'm just getting my life together and started on all the good stuff. My 20s were heinous. haha. It really sucks the ole ovaries poop out at a certain time. If it weren't for that, I'd put off the marriage/kids stuff for another 20 years.
KinAZ Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Romance, passion, and infatuation are all different things. But I agree, we do place too much emphasis on "love at first sight" and "being in love" and so many people expect romantic bliss to be just as it is in the movies. Life just isn't like that. Good relationships all take a degree of work to make them good. It won't always be romantic and passionate, and in some cases (look at those who start out as friends) it doesn't even begin that way. Plain and simple, it takes more than looks, sex, and flowers to maintain a healthy relationship. But... I think one of the main problems is that people go into relationships looking for what they can get, what the other person can give to them, but not what they can give to that other person. They want to be smitten, and often forget to over look quality, as being smitten and having quality is just too "picky" or something. As well, people look for relationships to make them happy, or some other wrong reason. I say two people should already be generally happy in the idea situation, and look for someone who not only compliments them, but who they compliment as well. Look at the cases of trophy wives and husbands... that's a situation that's clearly looking at a trade off, and not what both people have to offer. It's "I deserve" and "I want", but we don't always take enough time to consider what the other person wants and deserves. We choose to create romance just as we choose to show love, appreciation, and affection, and likewise choose to accept and appreciate it from others. Passion is something we can have as well... when appreciate what it is that we have, or simply appreciate it enough to make it better. Passion is your level of caring, and we choose that too. If you think of your mate as "he doesn't have this and that, but he'll do" I wouldn't expect you to be very passionate. But if you instead think of the reason he will do, and are passionate and appreciated because of that... and it's mutual... all of those other things can follow. The age of consumerism... we pick cellphones better than we pick relationships.
bayouboi Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 But, you know what WE NEED THESE! Why? They inspire us to seek love so that we can see if we can acheive some of these fantasy dreams and concepts. See I just disagree here, DNR. I feel as if these are the root of the problem. You're right...they do inspire us to seek that sort of love...which eventually spawns into a greener grass syndrome. Now if you'll pardon me, all these metaphors are making me a little dendrophiliac so I'm gonna go look at some potted plant porn. o_O
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