ESTELLA Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Hi, I really need to get this off my chest & I need direction. Here's my story in a nutshell: I befriended a co-worker who had recently moved to California from back east. He has no family out here & was alone for the first time in his life. He's 10 years younger than me & extremely good looking. Our friendship started off normal you can say...what I mean by that is going out casually to the mall, lunch, hanging out. (I'm not married, no kids, he's not married no kids.) As time has gone on, we basically hang out at least 3-4 days a week. We go to church together, eat, walk, laugh & just enjoy each other's company. There was a point in time where I found myself having a crush on him. I started acting weird (like a jealous girlfriend) and even threatend to end our friendship because I was upset that he wasn't feeling me the way I was feeling him. After I met someone, the feelings for him subsided & I was able to look at him for what he is & not through the rose-colored glasses that I had been. What I found was that he's very selfish. Through our friendship, I have always been the one giving (literally & figuratively) because that's just the kind of person that I am. I guess he must have gotten used to this attention, because it became expected. The problem now is that I didn't see his selfishness before. When he wanted to do things, we did them. When I wanted to do things, if he didn't want to, we wouldn't. Now...now...I want to do things & I call him out on things when I feel they are unfair. I know age has a lot to do with it...(I'm 33, he's 23), but it hurts me that he's that way. It hurts me that maybe I got him used to this...that he has control over me... I don't know what to do. How do I make him understand... Will he understand? Is this worth me breaking a friendship?
D-Lish Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I have some experience dealing with younger guys- I too am in my 30's and have lots of friends a lot younger- and I have also dated guys in their early 20's. One thing I have learned is that selfishness seems to be a commonality amongst all of them. I assume when i was that age, I too was rather ego-centric. Wanting what I wanted, when I wanted it. You can be sure that if he had met a woman during your friendship- thathe would have quickly disappeared without a second thought. Not because you don't mean anything to him- but because at that age, he goes where his needs are best met. My advice to you would be to distance yourself from him. A friendship isn't healthy if it isn't reciprocal. I always enjoy the youthfulness and playfulness of younger guys- they can be a lot of fun. But when it comes down to the crunch...they are rarely reliable. The first young guy I dated- I didn't expect to develop feelings for him- but I did- and he disappointed me immensely. I have learned since that experience not to take them too seriously. If you are seeing a new guy, I'd suggest concentrating on him and keeping your youngin as an acquaintence. If you cease to do things for him and with him that he wants you to do... that will be a true test of your friendship. I once dating someone younger that came to expect things from me. I even picked him up drunk from clubs when he called me at 3am, chauffered him around, and took him to fun places he wanted to go to. One time, I had a crisis with my sick dog and I called him for support- and he was too busy to comfort me. I realized then that I was being used and I stopped doing things for him. He began throwing tantrums, and eventually stopped speaking with me. Lesson learned on my end! We didn't have a friendship... I was convenient. It doesn't seem like you are getting much besides heartache out of the friendship... which tells me it's time to move on. It works both ways though- as much as we can recognize how selfish someone is... we also put ourself in the position to be used because we allow it. I don't allow it anymore- and you shouldn't either!
Kamille Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 When he wanted to do things, we did them. When I wanted to do things, if he didn't want to, we wouldn't. Have you tried simply adopting his philosophy. If he wants to do something you don't feel like doing... don't do it! He could be completely selfish. But maybe part of the problem is that he just has an easier time establishing his boundaries then you. Bottom line, do what feels right for you and he'll adjust if he is willing to. If he doesn't, then your suspicions that he is selfish might be founded.
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