homey76 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I have finally just told my STBXW that I am packing up and leaving today. It is an extremely painful thing to do, and I know she will be in a lot of pain, as she still belives she is "my one and only" and I do not feel the same. I am heartbroken, but determined I have made the right decision. I am going to copy in a post I made a while ago listing our issues(skip this if you already know our history): <PASTE BEGIN> ------------------- I am a newlywed of about 7 months. We got married suddenly (in a matter of months with no prior plans of getting married) when we found out she was preganant, due to a mixture of (at least on my part), guilt, sense of religious obligation, sense of obligation to her, and pressure from both sides of the family. If I had the decision to make over again, I would NEVER have gotten married. NEVER to her. I am completely miserable in this relationship. I think we could have made decent casual friends that met up for a drink here and there, but we are NOT marriage material. I do love my son. I do care about her and don't want her to suffer. I know that separation will lead to suffering no matter what, but such is life. Let me list for you my reasons for thinking this should be over within a year's time: -She emotionally abuses. IE - She insults me in front of family and friends using sarcasm as a thin disguise of her anger. -I am no longer attracted to her. She makes no effort to make herself more attractive. In fact, she has piled on pounds and refuses to exercise. I, on the other hand, watch my diet, and stay in shape. -Our love life is far lower than sub-par. Everything is very mechanical, and I avoid it as much as possible. On the other hand, she is eager, which causes a lot of tension. I don't see this changing. -She uses the baby as a means of coercion. If I have to stay from home later one evening because of some business I need to take care of, I am guilted by "The baby misses you." "You are not spending enough time with the baby." "You are not being a good father." "You are still stuck in 'bachelor mode'", etc. -She shares all of our problems with both of her parents, her brother, and her cousin. I have voiced my discontent with her airing our garbage for everyone with nothing but a response of multiple justifications about how it's "just fine" for her to share these things, and that I'm just over-senstivie. -Not just in public, but also at home, she puts me down, sarcastically complains about my incompetence, how she has all the work and I don't do anything. Let me say that I am the only one supporting the family right now, and she is staying home with our baby. I like that our baby is getting attention, however, I don't think it's an excuse to do ABSOLUTELY NO housework, act like a slob, then blame it all on me when I get home. -She is a controller. She won't let me get an XBOX, because she's against it. Screw what I think. The XBOX is not a huge deal to me. The huge deal is the fact that she has no rational basis for many of the things that she does not want me to do, but insists they WILL NOT HAPPEN because she said so. The only reason I wanted an XBOX in the first place was to relieve a little stress after the day, not to play endlessly for 20 hours at a time. -The control issue relates to all issues in life. She doesn't like me to hang out with my friends. She wants us to be together all of the time, and does not pursue anything outside of the house. She feels I am wrong for wanting some time away from the house. I try to explain that if we spend every minute together, we'll hate eachother, but it doesn't get through to her. -I don't enjoy spending time with her. I just flat out don't. I don't really think she enjoys spending time with me either. She has voiced her concern many a time, that it isn't what it used to be. -Many of you may say "You have to work at your marriage" "It's not easy" "Get counseling", etc. My issue is, if it's this bad at 7 months, how's it gonna be when we're 50 years old? Will I die from a stroke from the stress? Will I just shut down? I can't live like this for that long. The essential person she is cannot be changed, and I don't want to be with that person. -Her temper: At any moment, her temper can go through the roof, and I will be subject to her verbal abuse and raging/yelling. -The princess complex: Daddy always treated her like a princess. She asks me to be like him and compares me to him all the time. I will NEVER be like him. Look at the monster he's created. -One more note: Let me add that most of these observations are not just mine. They have been made by impartial friends, family members, and other unrelated parties. I have seen woman give her a shocked look when she rails into me in public. -------- In conclusion: I just don't see it working. I would like to wait a year for her to catch up on a job, and hopefully the possibility of health insurance. I will not leave her standing with nothing. If she needs insurance for a while, I will legally separate until she is ready to take things on her own. I am very scared to leave as I am in Information Technology Support and make a menial salary at best, with student loans on top of that, and the money that it will take to fund a divorce and child support will not be easy. The worst and most horrible part of this whole thing is she still thinks I am her "one and only." That we were destined to be together. It will break her heart, and mine because I hate seeing people suffer. I know it's the right thing to do, but I am a caring person, and it is so hard. ----------- <PASTE END> I'm at work, and I feel like crying, but I have to stay strong. I hope that I can keep chatting with you all, and we can support one another in one of the toughest things in life: divorce with a child involved. It's not a decision one comes to lightly. I love my STBXW, and I always will. Heck, I still love my first love from college. Nothing will ever change that. I just know that not all people are meant to be married. Nothing good ever came from a rushed marriage that was more out of obligation than anything. We fight constantly. She acts more like a 16 year old girl than a 29 year old woman. She has so much growing up to do, and I cannot sit and be her punching bag. I appreciate all of "SingleDad's" comments, and I know there will be a period where I miss it all, but you know... The captives living under terrorists miss their situations once they are finally rescued. I think that is called "Stockholm Syndrome".. I have found this similar feeling when I left once before.. I came back for two more months, and found my "captor" to be less than willing to do what she had promised. Peace and love to all. I wish life did not have to be this way.
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 homey - call a couple of lawyers right now - I mean today before you move out. My concern is over the custody of your son... Walking out could jeopardize how much custody time you have with him. Also could affect financial issues.
Author homey76 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I have talked to lawyers, and I do not plan on splitting with her for another year, as she needs health beneifts, and money from me. I will be documenting and confirming her withdrawals and payments for both her place to stay and health care. I have a therapist, and he is willing to back me on the situation at our home making my physically and mentally ill, and I am confident in my decision. As is the case in this country, especially in Michigan, I most certainly expect to get the short end of the stick on the custody, and of course expect a good chunk of my money to go to them.. The custody is unfair, but the money portion will hopefully be fair. I don't make a whole lot, and i don't think they can rape me too bad at this point. If so, then so be it. I will not live another day in hell. I really appreciate everything SingleDad.. I do.. "Don't look back" - Boston
Billy Bob Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 You're making the right choice in my opinion. You only live once and misery isn't something I would want to wallow in. I know a lot of posters here think marriage should be preserved at all costs.. but two people need to trust one another and be happy together for a marriage to work.. I think you, your stbxw and your son will be better divorced than together and miserable. Good luck.
quankanne Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I just know that not all people are meant to be married. Nothing good ever came from a rushed marriage that was more out of obligation than anything. I hate seeing this, because of all the pain caused when someone feels it's best to force a relationship because of the circumstances – if the two of you could not come together of free will, what makes well-meaning friends or family think that such a relationship would succeed? OP, it's good to see that you're ending this farce of a marriage. Because while I'm probably one of the biggest cheerleaders this board has for the state of matrimony, this kind of relationship can only succeed when it's in a healthy atmosphere and because each party is there of their own volition. I don't think you and your wife could succeed with the various problems you mentioned, compounded by the fact that one partner isn't willing to change, and both felt compelled to marry. good luck, and don't let anyone/anything get in the way of a loving relationship with your child. Because THAT is your number one priority now, giving that baby your love and your assistance as its needed.
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Homey, I'm curious. Has there been someone who's helped motivate you in making this decision? Besides your wife, I mean. A friend or family member who's been suggesting you do this? Or (blunt question time)...are you seeing someone else? There are a couple of things in your history that make me ask this.
Art_Critic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I know you didn't ask for advice about saving your marriage but.... Have you thought that maybe your wife has postpartum depression caused by her hormones after giving birth ? If she does suffer from it then it could very well be the reason why she has done some of the things that you have mentioned that seem to be deal breakers.. Her Dr should be able to tell and give her some medication to help if she is suffering from it.. Just my 2 pennies.. it seems to me that she is suffering from it
Recommended Posts