PG Love Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I have been with MM for about 6 months and we are struggling to gap our long distance relationship. Currently he has some financial issues and I helped him secure a loan, but he will be making the payments. I have also taken over all aspects of his accounts and been scheduling his payments. STBX found out, courtesy of our daughter that I helped him take out a loan and he's furious. I told him that it doesn't concern him and as long as it doesn't concern the kids then he has no say on what I do. MM was looking to consolidate some of his bills to lower the interest and make one payment. He is looking for a job in my area and this was to help him get a better grip to do that. I feel that it was the right thing to do, but was wondering if STBX has a valid point or if I was right to tell him to but out.
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I think the only input your STBX would have on this is if your finances haven't been sorted out by a lawyer yet as part of the divorce process. It could come back on him if something happens and both you and MM default on it. It also should be considered as a "yours only" debt, and not a marital/shared debt...at least that's my take on it. Is your STBX trying to reconcile with you in any fashion? He might also be angry/hurt/upset at this as further evidence that you're not willing to do so as well. Just something to think about.
Author PG Love Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 All of our financial obligations have been laid out in the separation papers and anything incurred after that date would be considered "yours only" debt. Stbx did want to reconcile at one point, but knows that it's useless now. He told me that it's just hard from him not to look out for my best interests even know we are separated.
wildsoul Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 It could come back on him if something happens and both you and MM default on it. Yes. If you're saying by "help" that you co-signed or otherwise tied yourself to the loan documents, then you also made your X liable. I know my lawyer would have gone ballistic if my X had done that to me. The proper thing would have been to have some kind of legal document in place (assuming laws in your state would allow it) that states your X is in no way liable for the loan you co-signed. In some states, that would not hold up (so he might still have a problem.) For example, when I bought my own house, separate from my X while we were still legally married, my lawyer helped draft a document for my husband to sign showing he had no interest in my house, and no liablity for my loan. As far as the emotional part goes, you probably pissed him off because you made him financially liable for something he CANNOT control. And rubbing salt in the wounds, he is now vulnerable to the actions of your new guy. Hope that helps make sense of it. Again, I'm assuming you meant that you co-signed. Try cleaning up any financial liability and you can probably make it okay again. PS: You clarifed the "yours only" part while I was typing my original reply. And btw, he does have a point about it maybe not being in your best interest to cosign for someone. So that could be true.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 All of our financial obligations have been laid out in the separation papers and anything incurred after that date would be considered "yours only" debt. Stbx did want to reconcile at one point, but knows that it's useless now. He told me that it's just hard from him not to look out for my best interests even know we are separated. He's probably thinks it was not a good idea and is hurt because it shows that you're serious about being the with the guy. Perhaps in the future it would be better not to discuss financial stuff in front of your daughter.
troubadour Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 PG Love, putting aside an emotional aspect of the situation with your STBX... he has a very, very, very valid point... NEVER CO-SIGN any loans for anyone. It is very likly that at some point in the future it will bite you in the a.. as it is a very common outcome of this kind of situations.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 The MM might run and leave you holding the bag. So, yeah, you just compounded your wrongs. You better be praying hard that this person is true to his word. And just a side note... A person who cheats shows that they are not people who are trustworthy or worth taking a chance on. DNR
Author PG Love Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Perhaps in the future it would be better not to discuss financial stuff in front of your daughter. I didn't have a babysitter, so the kids had to go with us to sign the papers. With MM being 2 hours away there were only certain times that we could go and it was after daycare hours. We didn't discuss it she just knew the name of the place we were and that we were signing papers together, Stbx figured it out. I appreciate all the responses. I have never cosigned on anything and I know that this was a risk, but I do believe and trust him so this is just another step for us. I have however had someone cosign for me in the past for various reasons and I know that it can be a good thing if done right.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Your trust a man who left his wife for you. and lied to her. What's to say he wont do it to you? Sorry but every moment you blindly trust a cheater when your one yourself, its like the blind leading the blind.
Author PG Love Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 CB~ There is never a guarantee in any relationship. I know that he cheated on his wife and lied to her as I did the same to my H. If we are going to build a relationship it has to have trust in there somewhere. I am bringing all of my past mistakes into light in order to have a more healthy relationship with the man I am with now and he is making steps to do the same. We are coming in with our eyes open and our actions honest. This may change somewhere down the road, but what kind of relationship do you have if you can't trust the person your with?
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 CB~ There is never a guarantee in any relationship. I know that he cheated on his wife and lied to her as I did the same to my H. If we are going to build a relationship it has to have trust in there somewhere. I am bringing all of my past mistakes into light in order to have a more healthy relationship with the man I am with now and he is making steps to do the same. We are coming in with our eyes open and our actions honest. This may change somewhere down the road, but what kind of relationship do you have if you can't trust the person your with? Really???? So trust is the cornerstone of a relationship huh? I guess his wife trusted him just enough for him to screw her over. Can you admit it's not in the back of your head that he wont do it to you??? Your actions within themselves speaks of hypocritical nature. because you state cheating isnt right, but yet you continue to condone it? Huh? You was on her a few months ago stating you was deperessed huh, leaving one relationship to start another one in which you did is only gonna add to your problems. Does he pay child support for his kids? alimony to his ex? how is your former in laws doing? You set a bad example for your children they will follow.
Author PG Love Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Really???? So trust is the cornerstone of a relationship huh? I guess his wife trusted him just enough for him to screw her over. Can you admit it's not in the back of your head that he wont do it to you??? Your actions within themselves speaks of hypocritical nature. because you state cheating isnt right, but yet you continue to condone it? Huh? You was on her a few months ago stating you was deperessed huh, leaving one relationship to start another one in which you did is only gonna add to your problems. Does he pay child support for his kids? alimony to his ex? how is your former in laws doing? You set a bad example for your children they will follow. Trust is a big part of the relationship. Yes his wife trusted him, but that is his past relationship. I believe that the past is in the past and people can move past their shortcomings. I put his indiscressions in the past and I ask that he do the same. Yes it's hard and I have been down, but mostly because of the geographical distance. We have stuck together through some very tough times so I do believe and trust that he will be there for me. Sure I have thought about him leaving me or cheating on me, but as I stated above that is in the past. People can move on and be happy and faithful with the right person. I don't condone cheating. I have done it but that doesn't mean that it was the right thing. He does pay alimony and no child support as his son is older.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Trust is a big part of the relationship. Yes his wife trusted him, but that is his past relationship. I believe that the past is in the past and people can move past their shortcomings. I put his indiscressions in the past and I ask that he do the same. Yes it's hard and I have been down, but mostly because of the geographical distance. We have stuck together through some very tough times so I do believe and trust that he will be there for me. Sure I have thought about him leaving me or cheating on me, but as I stated above that is in the past. People can move on and be happy and faithful with the right person. I don't condone cheating. I have done it but that doesn't mean that it was the right thing. He does pay alimony and no child support as his son is older. As a man I could not in the back of my mind go into a relationship with a woman who cheated on her husband and I cheated on my wife. once those rose colored blinders fall off. I couldnt trust her. I know I would basically resign myself to have it happen to me. And you do condone cheating. your actions state that. You say you can be faithful with the right person, I thought when you got married for life, you was supposed to be only faithful to your spouse?? In the end whatever happens and whatever transpires between you and this man is of your own making and your own choice. I couldnt trust him and I damn sure couldnt rightfully trust you.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I didn't have a babysitter, so the kids had to go with us to sign the papers. With MM being 2 hours away there were only certain times that we could go and it was after daycare hours. I have never cosigned on anything and I know that this was a risk, but I do believe and trust him so this is just another step for us. That really bites...I think what Wildsoul said was incorrect anyway; That debt would be considered separate debt, as incurred after the date of separation, and no one could go after him as he didn't sign for it. So in the future tell your XH MYOB. There are some pluses to getting divorced. You know, if you go into the R thinking this is going to fail, it will. You trust him and that's what is going to make your R successful. All this he's not trustworthy etc, I don't see how that is supposed to help the OP. She trusts him and that's what matters. Don't let other posters put the seeds of doubt in your mind. You're doing what you feel you need to. GEL
Author PG Love Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 CB~ You say you can be faithful with the right person, I thought when you got married for life, you was supposed to be only faithful to your spouse??~ This is correct, but I know that I didn't get married for the right reasons and I knew that he wasn't the one for me when we got married. I won't go into all the reasons we got married when and how we did, but he and I both know it wasn't a lasting love for life. Faithful, yes it should have been but it wasn't. GEL~ Thank you for your post. I refuse let anyone plant seeds of doubt because I don't doubt our R at all.
silktricks Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Well... JMO, but were you right to cosign on his bills? Only time will really tell. He apparently does not have good financial skills or he wouldn't be needing your signature in the first place. It seems that you may be putting your finances in jeopardy and you have kids to support. Concern for your financial security should IMO be a greater concern to the MM then seems apparent by his asking for your signature to guarantee his loan. That seems a bit of a red flag to me about where he puts his needs/wants/desires in comparison to where he puts yours. were you right to tell you xH to butt out? IMO, yes. Although he is obviously concerned about both you and his children, he does need to learn that you are divorcing him. He no longer has the right to tell you what you should or should not do. The sooner that point is clearly made to him, the easier your long term ex-spousal but co-parental relationship will become. Good luck
Author PG Love Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Well... JMO, but were you right to cosign on his bills? Only time will really tell. He apparently does not have good financial skills or he wouldn't be needing your signature in the first place. It seems that you may be putting your finances in jeopardy and you have kids to support. Concern for your financial security should IMO be a greater concern to the MM then seems apparent by his asking for your signature to guarantee his loan. That seems a bit of a red flag to me about where he puts his needs/wants/desires in comparison to where he puts yours. were you right to tell you xH to butt out? IMO, yes. Although he is obviously concerned about both you and his children, he does need to learn that you are divorcing him. He no longer has the right to tell you what you should or should not do. The sooner that point is clearly made to him, the easier your long term ex-spousal but co-parental relationship will become. Good luck [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Thank you for your response and keeping to the original question.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]He has made some financial mistakes which I am trying to help him rectify. This will take most of his payments and combine it into one to help him keep up with it better as well as save money on interest. This was also a stumbling block before he would feel free to start searching for a new job in my area. I see it as a win/win situation because he can control his finances better (with my help) and peace of mind to start looking for a job.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]As for stbx, we are working on the boundary issues and are making some headway. Big thing is he really needs to learn to MYOB when it comes to things I do. His biggest thing was he thought I was going to use the money for something foolish like buy a new car, motorcycle or get a boob job (none of which I am even considering). I at least gave him the peace of mind that it was none of these things and even if it was it doesn't concern him anymore.[/FONT][/COLOR]
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