my LDR girlfriend cheated on me... dont know what to do

[raistlin]

I am in a LDR with a girl who I am really in love with in fact I would go so far as to say that she is the one, and the only person I have ever felt I could spend my life with. I am 27 she is 29 and I live in London while she is in Australia.

 

Anyway we have known each other all our lives since childhood but although I have wanted her since I was a teenager nothing ever happened until the beginning of the year when I was on holiday in Oz and we hooked up. I had seen her on and off for the last few years but she was always in a relationship or I was and so nothing ever eventuated but this year we were both single and I told her how I felt.

 

I was over the moon to realise that she loved me too and we both had never thought the other one was interested like that. But she had serious misgivings about what was going to happen when I left (I had to come back to work after a way too short couple of weeks together) but I planned to come back in a few months and spend some more time with her.

 

Anyway when I came back to london we talked on the phone regularly and she told me she was finding it really difficult and was wondering whether it was a realistic relationship or just a fantasy, and could you base a LDR on just a few weeks together.

 

She also told me that there were various men chasing after her (she is very beautiful and as long as I have known her has had suitors lining up). There was one guy in particular who she spent a lot of time with but she assured me she wasn't attracted to him but really liked him as a friend. Needless to say I told her that it was impossible to have a friendship with someone who wants a relationship with you.

 

This guy was saying all kinds of things to her like 'Long distance relationships don't work' and 'you don't know what he's up to over there' etc etc trying to plant doubts and come between us, which unfortunately she listened to as if he was her 'friend' and din't have ulterior motives.

 

When I came to melbourne to see her I asked about him and she said that she couldn't see him anymore because he wanted a relationship and she had to turn him down. I felt there was more to it and eventually she admitted that she had kissed him one night when she was drunk. I was really really upset maybe a bit out of proportion to what had happened but only because my feelings for her are so strong.

 

She told me she was really sorry, that it only happened because I wasn't around, that she really didn't want him but wanted to be with me so I forgave her after lots of tears and talking. She said that my expectations were too high for that stage of the relationship and that you can't expect all out commitment from day one. Some of that I could understand so we got over that.

 

Anyway I had to leave again and then a couple of months later while back in London one day we had a fight on the phone. She was really depressed about me not being around and turned to this guy again who was obviously providing the shoulder to cry on (again with ulterior motives) and kissed him again. She told me he tried to take it further but she stopped it.

 

This time it was worse because I felt we had been through it before and it shouldn't have happened again, especially that she knew how much it had hurt me the first time and we had been clear that we were going to have a committed relationship. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to continue the relationship and she begged me not to finish it saying that she knew it was wrong and it was a mistake that she really regretted, that she didn't love him. She told me that she had always had a guy hanging around doing things for her, buying her stuff etc and that she knew that behaviour was wrong and wanted to change that pattern.

 

I was feeling totally sick and couldn't sleep at this point so I decided to take time off work and go see her and either work things out or finish it so at least I would have some certainty. When I saw her again it was so full on the feelings and love I felt for her despite what happened so we worked through a lot of stuff and made up.

 

THEN I had to leave again but told her that this would be the last time and we would find a way to be together properly next year. All was fine until she rang me at 3 in the morning today all upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't do it anymore, that she didn't deserve me and I should just finish with her and get on with my life. Eventually it transpired that she had seen this guy again, she had been at a bar with a friend having a drink, was a bit drunk when he rang her and he said he would pick her up and give her a lift home. Anyway he insisted they go to his house so she ended up crashing there, in his bed with him. She says nothing happened, she just slept there but I still feel betrayed. She knows its wrong to share a bed with another man especially one who is in love with her and she said that in the morning she told him not to ever call her again.

 

Sorry this post is so damn long but there was a lot to tell... I really don't know what to do at this point. I love her so much and I know that she loves me too. She admits she has a problem with having male friends that all want to sleep with her and I know she misses me a lot but at the same time I don't know if I should just cut my losses now because she could do it to me again and again. On the other hand I have had a quite a few relationships and never loved anyone like I love her. Any advice will be appreciated and listend to!

[my_mother's_daughter]

Ok, just an opinion!!! but reading between the lines of what you said I believe you have a combination of 2 explanations for this:

 

1) She is possibly emotionally immature and unable to cope with an LDR . The effects of this upon you are exacerbated by her need for constant attention (I'm sorry but why else surround yourself with men you aren't interested in but who want a relationship with you? - a need for affirmation I'd say)

 

2) She's basically pushing you to do one of 2 things a) break up with her so she doesn't have to deal with the LDR any longer, or (and I prefer this one..) b) move to be with her. From what you've said she's implying that if you were around she wouldn't do what she's doing, and call me cynical but she knows this is how you think, why else would she tell you every little detail of events bound to hurt? It's controlling behaviour in my opinion.

 

This guy was saying all kinds of things to her like 'Long distance relationships don't work' and 'you don't know what he's up to over there'

 

His words or hers? Sounds like she's holding up a mirror of her own fears to you, dressed in somebody else's prose....

 

This is of course just my opinion, but it sounds very familiar to an experience my friend had. I obviously can't advise what you should do, but I will say that if part of this problem with your girlfriend is behavioural, in reality your "being around" may not change this, or it may mutate into a different form. Only you can know the answer to questions about her personality because you have known her for a long time. In the end this one will explode dramatically or you will make a sacrifice to be with her.

 

There's your court, here's your ball....

[vollie]

Man!

 

Does this sound familiar, or what! I am in exactly the same boat, but with a Russian girl whom I have been seeing in a LDR for about a year now. She recently spent 3 months back home and also got close to an old flame, and did some of the kissing thing. Now, to be quite honest, I knew she was going on a date with the guy, because she told me that her mum wants her to marry this guy... but she does not want to... but she went on a date..."to please her mum"...urr... yes, um..!!

 

Well, it so happens that after she came back from Russia, she spent 3 weeks with me and we had a great time. However, a week after she returned to where she now lives, I discovered some information in an instant message recording (I work in IT, so nothing gets past me!!) about having been much closer than just friends with the guy she dated.

 

I was very, very hurt indeed.

 

I had to make a decision. So, I called her about it... and she was rather silent on the phone. We agreed to talk about it, and we did when we next saw each other. I told her that she has caused a whole load of damage in the trust we had built up.. and told her, that no matter how much I love her, that if this happens again, that she is not true to me, she will irreparably damage our relationship - IE - I will drop her like a hot potatoe. Yes, I love her, and yes, I think I understand that I am not infatuated with her, I truly do care about her... but I am wondering just how much she cares about what we have to have done that. Her excuse was that she did not want to offend him, and that it was him who was making the advances, but what am I to believe, since she was not forthcoming with this information... I don't believe she would have told me.

 

So... it's a rocky road for me, but at least I have access to her email accounts, so if she's cheating, I'll stop things between us, and if I discover that she is not, and that all communication is above board, and marries what she tells me, then I will need to grow up and stop spying on her, but for now, it is my saving grace, which she's clueless about... so I wait patiently for all the communication to tell the story...

 

In your case, Mate... she's now done this a number of times. Also ask yourself... is it worse for you to be thinking that she has slept with someone else, or that she has kissed someone else? I know as guys, we will say, "having slept with him, of course" (which, by the way, I am not stating as a fact... just reading between the lines of what she told you)... I think that any amount of a betrayal of trust... must be taken as a betrayal... and don't bother analysing the depth of it.. she's been unfaithful, that's that.

 

I know that if my girl starts this stuff again, she's out the door. I want to be with a woman who wants me and nobody else, for I am a normal person. This has caused me streams of tears because I never thought this would happen to us, but it has.

 

My choices? They have to be... self respect! I cannot be tramped on by any person, especially in matters of the heart. I would say to you... that your girlfriend is not capable of waiting for you. She is not capable of being faithful to you, and she not only lacks self control, but she puts herself into situations where this type of thing will happen... and she knows the inevitable.

 

You sound like a reasonable guy... why let yourself go through this?? I have decided this week, that if I get to the situation where you are at, and I remain there... then I only have myself to blame.

 

I love my girl, and I have forgiven her for her mistake, as long as it is a once-off thing. Should it happen again... by that stage, I would probably have gotten over the hurt of the first instance of unfaithfulness, and my hurt would all come flooding back... I would have to end it immediately... but I hope that it is now behind me, as I would love to marry my girl, but we are nowhere near ready for this, as I will not be able to trust her for quite a long time... this depends entirely on her...

 

Let's face it, life's too short for all this... try to look after yourself, mate!

 

(PS - I always hate it when people tell me that there are "plenty of fish in the sea"... so I won't say that. I would rather say... "There are plenty of other lovely girls out there who would be glad to be with a faithful man who knows how to demonstrate love and committment")

 

[amerikajin]

I hate to say this, but looking from the outside, I don't think this is going to work. I think you know this already but you're probably just bouncing this off of some heads to see what kind of feedback you get. Mine is, it's been real, but you probably need to go your separate ways....or you could take a wild shot at moving to Australia, like right now!!!

 

What's obvious is that you're LDR is coming to a head. Either one of you move, or both of you agree to end it. She's been saying that for a while with both her words and her actions. Maybe you can both agree to be friends again, though I get the feeling it might be harder for you - especially if she hooks up with this guy you don't like.

 

Usually, I'd say forget someone who cheats on you. However, the fact is, you live on opposite sides of the planet and you don't see each other all that much. We're all human. Spend enough time away from someone and eventually, you forget about them. In this case, I'm going to give your LDR girlfriend a pass.

 

Not an easy choice.