Desire for sexual variety within a long-term monogamous relationship?

[Mustang Sally]

Are you going to share the movie title with us ???

Nah...too embarassing to admit to an older movie that always "gets" me that way....

[Mustang Sally]

I think I'm in the minority all around because except for the one relationship I had that had almost entirely disappointing sex, I have never had any desire to be with anyone else during a relationship, and I am rendered pretty much incapable of viewing other people in a sexual way when in love. In fact, I seem to only want the guy MORE as we go along! I think it's because the more emotionally secure I feel, the more comfortable and open I am all around and the more I want to delve into the feelings and passion.

Ruby, I think that's great. Kudos to you.

 

I think it's hard to find a partner who truly prizes loyalty anymore. It's almost as if everyone expects things not to last and no one even believes in the concept of true loyalty.

I'd have to beg to differ with you here, though.

 

Actually, I think there are still plenty of people who prize loyalty out there. In fact, that is part of what I'm talking about here, in this thread. Feeling a base urge for variety, even though one has loyalty towards a long-term partner, why might those types of feelings occur, and do all/most/many people go through that?

[Mustang Sally]

I only experience attraction amongst women I know well, two of which I've mentioned on these forums. I'm just not wired up to do random. Probably never will be.

Carhill, I don't think this makes you abnormal.

 

On the contrary, I think this makes you quite a worthy catch!

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

I think us guys have to be VERY careful how we would present this kind of sentiment to our wives. It's a naural thing to wonder "what if" but vocalizing that thought could really come back to haunt you .

 

I was very careful when the wife and I recently discussed this topic about variety. I was curious, seeing some of the recent news stories about alternative lifestyles (with police intervention?) in the Southern US. Both of us have been together since we were young, and both of us have experienced very few other partners. To me it seemed like a natural question to ask. Getting the wife to actually ‘admit’ that she could possibly think of anyone but her husband in this fashion took a little work… (Had to pull out the, “So, you have never had a single sexual thought about Lenny Kravitz??”:lmao:)

 

We affirmed some mutual beliefs. First, both of us place a great deal of importance on the emotional side of being intimate. It’s just not as pleasurable to us unless there is that connection. We both agreed if there were no consequences (no emotional attachment to the variety partner, hurting our spouse, etc.) that could make it an entertaining thought, but neither of us are open to the harm it could cause in our marriage. Fun to think about, but the cost could far outweigh the reward. As a side note, our candid talk included a bi-curiosity my wife has recently entertained (which I believe more women have than will admit). How’s that for variety ??

[LakesideDream]

I've had a desire for the excitment that comes from interacting with someone different.

 

I've been with my H for nearly 5 years, and I have absolutely no complaints about his prowess in bed. Just want to state that up front.

 

However, something about that intense spark, that overwhelming of the senses when with some one unknown, heightened sense of awareness and anticipation. In order to re-capture that type of intensity in a long term relationship both partners have to put in quite a bit of effort... and when you're talking about dealing with bills, chores, work, stress, etc... its hard to find that singular focus on thrilling sex.

 

I think its laziness on my part.

 

I was thinking about dying my hair to give a sense of "different" person in the bedroom - for my H.

 

I've also found that most men are rather lazy when it comes to initiating variety in the bedroom. Unless you count their attempts at gaining access to a different hole. I think women try harder to keep it spiced up (general impression). I notice the novelty stores sell role playing outfits for women (waitress, barmaid, etc), but I don't recall seeing any role playing outfits for men to wear to introduce variety. Have you? Plus there's a surplus of stores catering to sexy outfits for women to wear for men, but I have yet to see a store geared for me to add variety to a relationship. Unless you count porn shops, but that isn't about the fantasy of variety, its more about the mechanics of getting off (i.e. vibrators etc). But nothing really jumps out at me as specifically designed For Women to play up to a fantasy of having sex with some one different.

 

 

OK, my 2 cents worth here. I was married for 25 years to the ex. Sex, physically was never a big problem in the marriage, as far as I knew. I NEVER felt the need to go outside the marriage for sex, or emotional needs either.

 

Part of the reason sex was not a problem was problably due to the both of us being comfortable with ourselves, and willing to please the other partner. While there was no "dress up" aspect to the sexual relationship other than my willingness (and occasionally hers) to buy and gift pretty, feminine lingerie (which was never on long).

 

I had to laugh reading the "other hole" comment. Both the ex and I were able to throughly enjoy vaginal, oral, manual, and anal sex regularly. She was very orgasmic, and I never had "performance" difficulties. There was no "other hole" conflicts as she enjoyed having her "other hole" pleasured, claiming it provided the most intense (however shorter) orgasms she experianced. A half hour of oral/manual stimulation, followed by 10 minutes of anal penetration was a regular part of our sex life. It may have helped that she was able to have both multiple, and consecutive orgasms pretty much every time we engaged in sexual activity of any kind.

 

It must be said however that the ex was able to have "variety" in her life, as she participated in an on again, off again sexual/emotional affair with an old lover. Maybe she received the "variety" you talk about there.

 

I am much more interested in developing the quality of a sexual relationship than I am in fantasizing about other women when having sex. I have been lucky enough in my life (I'm a geezer now) to have been able to please women, thus inspiring them to please me making "mental replacement" a non issure for me.

[Mustang Sally]

Ok. I found this link:

 

http://www.bigwhitewall.com/useful-stuff/Esther-Perel-on-rediscovering-desire-in-long-term-relationships/

 

This explains, I think, better than I have been doing, what I am talking about. Especially her first two or three responses.

[SnapCracklePop]

Any other men want to chime in here?

Just being equal-opportunity and all...

 

Strange timing for this thread... I was talking about this in an IC session last night..

 

One of my exGF and I had this incredible bedroom chemistry. Its not that we did anything crazy or riskque, but we both new how to please each other and ourselves during sex. It was mind blowing, and I have not experienced that with anyone since.

 

For me, I don't think it is so much diversity or variety that we miss, so much as the level of engagement from our partner. Even role playing can become routine if one person is always the leader and one is the follower. The best sex (for me) seems to be when I am both the taker and the taken - it can include some of the risque things too, it can get agressive, hot and sweaty... and it can include gentleness too.. but it is never ever routine.

 

I have read many posts here on LS where people talk about sexual disatisfaction as the problem, or one of many problems in their relationship. I find it is both gratifying and frustrating to hear about this though. Gratifying because it tells me that there are women out there that feel the way I do... Frustrating because I am not with a women that thinks like that.

[Mustang Sally]

Who was it (in this thread? or another?) that quoted "Familiarity breeds contempt."

 

I think contempt is too strong of an emotion for what I am trying to convey, but that interview I linked to, above, explains it quite well, at least for me. I think to have "tingles" I have to have more distance, or feel like there is more mystery (? this doesn't seem an adequate word to describe...but I can't think of a better one at the moment) or just plain, old seperate-ness (individuality?) to get a that lustful feeling back. Thus, I desire variety, of a sort, because it is more unknown, and that allows me to achieve the hot, wanna(HAVE to)-f*ck-now feeling.

 

I dunno.

I may remain perpetually confused on this one.

[luvstarved]

I think this is a wise voice of experience.

Certainly, it is true that though the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, there are always weeds there, too.

 

But I am afraid it might be the kind of wisdom that is ONLY attained through experience.

 

My H had 8-10 partners before me, so was not a virtual virgin or anything, but he never had a time period in which he pretty much did everyone that remotely interested him.

 

I think that puts us in pretty different places vis a vis interest in other people...and it kind of bites.

 

Sometimes I feel like telling him to go ef everything that will allow it and come back when he's sick of it...but...don't think I'd care for that either...

[silktricks]

Hmmmm - maybe it's just the excitement of the moment - . I can't say that I've been interested in variety or at least interested in experiencing variety since our first days together.

 

I like variety - but we make our own - so even though my boredom threshhold is very high (or low depending on your point of view) I don't get bored with the single partner. He's exciting to me. Always has been. Not boring in any way, so I've not desired a different lover.