Wife and I have very different feelings on our marriage

July 31, 2008

In short, my wife and I have very different perspectives on our two year old marriage. She told me last week that "every day has been a honeymoon" and that we're "incredibly lucky." Needless to say, I feel differently. I'm largely disappointed in the way our relationship works, it's taking its toll on me, and frankly, making me a less stellar husband than I could be, whether she realizes it or not.

As background, we're both 29 years old and have been together since we're 18. People get older, evolve, and relationships lose their spark. This is especially true when you meet your significant other in your youth. I've come to terms with that. I love her; she obviously loves me. I don't know if I can get that spark back and I'm scared to death of crushing her. She often remarks that I'm all she has and that she's so dependent on me that it scares her. She's easily hurt and when I've tried to communicate any relationship "issues" in the past, she's clammed up. I've tried on a number of occasions to try to inject some life into things by getting us to be more active, doing things together, and to be honest, it's generally successful, but only for a finite period of time before we sink back into listlessness. Part of me thinks we've just become too incompatible and want different things out of life.

I need some advice. I've been a bit of a mess about this for too long and don't want to live like this for the next 50 years. Are my expectations too high? Does anyone have experience dealing with sensitive mates who can't talk about their relationships? I'm tired of feeling like it's time to throw in the towel and feeling guilty at all times for feeling that way.

July 31, 2008

She told me last week that "every day has been a honeymoon" and that we're "incredibly lucky." Needless to say, I feel differently.

Well, your post offers very little to go on but, based on the piece I quoted above, it may be that things are being made worse by your inability or unwillingness to clearly and honestly communicate your feelings and needs to your wife. (I heard you say that it's because she is "sensitive" but, is it possible that is just a nice "reason" (excuse) for your own ineffective communication style?)

It does sound like the perfect situation for couples' counseling. You will both learn how to speak and hear in ways that'll be easier for the other to accept, without feeling offended and then reacting by going on the defensive (which is interpreted as offensive, which brings the defense back to the field...etc., and so.)

July 31, 2008

What exactly are the issues?

July 31, 2008

Your not getting incompatible... You said it before... listless. It is the same issue a lot more couples are facing now-a-days. Marriage does not end the romance, the flirtation, the wild desire. It does not mean you give up date night or bringing home flowers. If anything it is suppose to spark these these things in people.

I really would suggest you get in contact with your wild side again. The side of you two. Find a goal that you two could work on. Maybe a dream career that you two can build up on the side. Do some joint volunteer work, take up a pottery class, find things to do with other couples. And talk to people you love and trust and if that doesn't work, try therapy.

Now just to let you know, you are not in this alone, and it is perfectly normal. For some, the lust of being with your spouse fades, and reality sets in. This is the stage where true love begins. This is when you will put your vows to the test.

I hope this is of some help and encouragement. You stay strong, be well, and much blessings to you and your wife.

DNR

July 31, 2008

She needs to lighten up, get some women friends, enjoy life without having to rely so much on you. That puts ALOT of pressure on you and the marriage. I can see why you're feeling this way..

As for the sex stuff. Spice it up. Go out on a date, dress up and have fun. Fool around in the car, and BRING back that passion. It's there, it's just been buried abit.

Is she into porn at all? Watching porn together is exciting and can definately add some spice into your sex life..

July 31, 2008

I'm tired of feeling like it's time to throw in the towel and feeling guilty at all times for feeling that way.

People often talk in code here, and what you've posted could easily be code for "Even though I'm married, I've met someone at work (or the gym or school or...) that I'm attracted to". Is that the case ?

Mr. Lucky

July 31, 2008

People often talk in code here, and what you've posted could easily be code for "Even though I'm married, I've met someone at work (or the gym or school or...) that I'm attracted to". Is that the case ?

Mr. Lucky

My exact question after reading your post was, "Have you met someone at work (or anywhere else) that you are attracted to and who makes your heart jiggle a bit?"

Thanks for reading my mind, Mr. Lucky!

July 31, 2008

Thanks very much for the responses thus far. It's obvious I need to clarify things a bit, specifically in regard to what the issues are:

Compatibility/Incompatibility:

Our interests aren't all that aligned, and if I look back objectively, never have been. By that, I mean that I'm fairly inquisitive and like to explore and am open to virtually all invitations. My wife, in this regard, is fairly lax. She generally prefers to stay home and watch TV and rarely offers any suggestions for things we can do together.

Regarding domestic issues, I work longer hours than she does and yet, I do ALL of the housework, from cooking to cleaning to taking the trash out, down to getting the mail and managing our finances. While I could/should clearly and effectively communicate my disappointment in this scenario to her, I'd say two things to anyone reading: 1) shame on me for letting it get to the point of even slight resentment on my part and 2) it's really just her nature. When she lived by herself, her apartment was more messy than I would ever allow it to be and she rarely cooked. I knew this going in; asking her to change more than slightly just feels wrong.

Sex: There's very little. This is not because neither of us enjoys the other, but, frankly, she approaches the arena with a 6th grade catholic school girl's mentality. She HATES porn. She has never masturbated in her life (this was found out during a very delicate conversation about our sex life that while delicate, had her immediately reverting to "I disappoint you" language.). She has never had an orgasm (I gave up feeling guilty about this at about year 7 of our 10 years together).

In a lot of ways, it's come to resemble a parent/child relationship.

To respond to the two Luckys' perceptive questions about another woman, the answer is that yes, I've met someone else that I'm very attracted to. I've thought a lot about whether that attraction is a cause or a symptom of what I'm feeling now, and the answer is that it's probably both. In any case, I'm not sitting here with the notion that this other person is perfect and that 10 years into any potential relationship, there wouldn't be different, serious issues. Anyhow, I cut ties (not that anything every happened physically or in a particularly serious way emotionally) with this person early this year and while it's been a struggle to exclude her from my life, I've made a conscious effort to do so--cold turkey-- and have been successful in not contacting her at all, even if I think of her often.

Lastly, my wife is a good person. A very good person; she's very kind, generally thoughtful and loves me fully and unconditionally. Please don't mistake my frustration with bashing her outright.

Thanks again for your thoughts and even reading this.

July 31, 2008

Do you feel "responsible" for the relationship and your life as a couple, like everything is your responsibility? If you do, IME, that's a breeding ground for resentment. If even calm communication of that resentment is met with resistance or ignoral, it then becomes the basis for an irreconcilable rift.

If your wife were "very kind", "generally thoughtful" and "loved you fully and unconditionally", you wouldn't be feeling unheard and abandoned. Having to elucidate every minute part of every detail of a relationship is not, IMO, healthy, especially if it has to be done repetitively.

Can you tell I've been down this road?

July 31, 2008

The most prevalent time for people to grow apart is in their 20s, because this is when you get to define who you are and map out your life. Which is why serious relationships through your 20s are tricky.

The people you were attracted to when you were 18 are most likely not the same ones you will pick when you're 29.

So you grew apart, your tastes changed, your wife, in all her angelic glory, no longer resembles your ideal mate. It doesn't make her a bad person, like you said, just different. Don't pack up and leave just yet, this is the time to open up the lines of communication, wide as you can.

Rediscover her and who she is, her plans, hopes, dreams, hobbies, interest. Share who you have become with her and then you can both jointly decide if your paths cross or if this is the time to say, it's been a good run but goodbye.

July 31, 2008

Just to let you know, you are not alone. Reading your post was like reading one of my own. The home resposibility, work hours, the other person, comparison of a parent/child relationship, etc. I am sorry but at this point I don't have any further advice as I think we are both at the same stage here. I just wanted to reassure you that there is someone elso out there feeling the way you do. As others have stated probably pretty common. My wife and I have been together for a shorter time than you though.

I am in IC now and unfortunately after 2 sessions of MC my wife decided to stop going. The IC has been very helpful for me even without the MC. So I guess that is an option for you as well even if your wife doesn' want to go it should help you.

July 31, 2008

Just like toughchoices, this is similar to a post I've made recently. Other then the being attracted to someone else, it sounds like you have much the same problems.

Is your wife willing to go to councilor? are you? In my case, getting my wife to go would be like getting an elephant through the eye of a needle, but perhaps your would be ok with it.

July 31, 2008

Thanks for reading my mind, Mr. Lucky!

I promise to only use my powers for good .

To respond to the two Luckys' perceptive questions about another woman, the answer is that yes, I've met someone else that I'm very attracted to. I've thought a lot about whether that attraction is a cause or a symptom of what I'm feeling now, and the answer is that it's probably both. In any case, I'm not sitting here with the notion that this other person is perfect and that 10 years into any potential relationship, there wouldn't be different, serious issues. Anyhow, I cut ties (not that anything every happened physically or in a particularly serious way emotionally) with this person early this year and while it's been a struggle to exclude her from my life, I've made a conscious effort to do so--cold turkey-- and have been successful in not contacting her at all, even if I think of her often.

There is a lot of hard work to be done in your marriage and relationship. Parts of it won't be fun, most of it will be frustrating and all of it be valuable, either to you on your own or both of you as a couple. Listen to some of the good advice you'll get here as to how to go about it...

Mr. Lucky

July 31, 2008

It is of course quite feasible that this R has run its course.

It's a simple thing to say, but its quite possible, in which case, I'd consider leaving and moving on. Yes I know that is HUGE as you are married, have a very long history together, love eachother (but you may not be 'in love') etc, you would feel terrible about hurting her....but if the R has run its course, you face the reality of staying in a type of compromise - you keep the life with her, but she is no longer the right woman. Or you go,and its a terribly difficult thing to go through, but a necessary evil. And if you two were meant to be, you'd find your way back to eachother.

I dont say this lightly as I once dated someone for 8yrs before ending it - I loved the guy but knew he wasnt the right person for me - HATED hurting him, and it was a big upheaval in my life and his and a very hard thing to go through for him, and for me - I felt so guilty for hurting him and missed him - but it was 100% the right move...I fel like my life would have been SO different if I'd stayed and believe me, it felt so much easier to just stay and avoid the drama...I know so many people who did stay and regretted it, and never knew what their life could have been if thy'd left...so all I am saying is, I dont say 'maybe this R has run its course' lightly!

Maybe speak to your W and be honest and say you need MC as a first step. Good luck!

August 1, 2008

Possibly the other person was Sent to help you gain clarity on your needs that your marriage is not fulfilling for you, and to give you an opportunity to start learning some Life Lessons about effective and assertive communication...OR the other Life Lesson, about knowing when and how to bring about a peaceful (not necessarily "happy") ending to something that is no longer working for you? That is, to learn how to self-forgive, self-accept and self-love.

What you are perceiving as "incompatibility" issues in your relationship, my 10-year old relationship calls "complementary" styles. He does attend important family functions and celebrations -- and even the ballet every few years -- and I accept that the other stuff that I like are not to his tastes and preferences.

Similarly we have accepted our differences in our respective views of what constitutes "best domestic practices". We try to find something humourous to assist our good mood about it.

Point being, it is ALL about how one chooses to look at it.

More difficult to overcome misguided and inaccurate ancestral/religious beliefs about sex. You might want to try 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand, which offers a slow-paced, "step-by-step" process for couples. (Step-by-step doesn't really define it, but it's all that's coming to mind.)

Of course, both must want to achieve pleasurable sexual experiences, and both must be committed to the process, as it were, if it is to work as well as it can.

Best of luck. If you choose to stay or choose to go, there are inherent challenges in both. Follow your own Heart.

August 27, 2008

hi, i think you left a comment on my blog the other day. this is what came up anyway when i tried to search for info on who left the comment. your query above is a few months old now, how is that going? if you've come across my blog, methinks it likely hasn't improved much.

from your first post the thing that strikes me most is, "She often remarks that I'm all she has and that she's so dependent on me that it scares her." i pretty much agree with whichwayisup, in a less flippant way anyway, but it is key that she have her own reason for living other than you. that single minded dependency is not good for either of you. i'm sorry to say but you will never get that figurative monkey off your back unless she can find her own fulfilling interests separate from you.

that you guys have very interests is beside the point. as you yourself have stated, your interests have never been aligned. that people have different interests can just as easily be a good thing for a relationship, opposites do attract. that she is a homebody who wants to stay in & watch TV is more of a problem, but that's a bit of the chicken & the egg... i'd say the only hope for your relationship is tying her to the community, to the world outside of you & the TV. in whatever way that's possible find ways for her to be involved in other things which she can feel she is contributing something to, that she is needed, can feel a part of... it will increase her independence, & likely her confidence, & will deepen her level of life experience.

if you've known her as long as you have there's got to be something you guys can think of that she'd enjoy other than TV. volunteer work is good. sports or activity groups? arts, dance, there are cinema groups or any sort of social group you could imagine... i understand talking about touchy things is difficult with some people (which, btw, could very well be because she realizes her need for you far outweighs yours for her & so dreads the conversation she fears is coming where all her worst suspicions come true & she is left destitute & alone. again, she needs something else in her life). i would suggest that it can be a less difficult conversation with the right approach. never accusatory. never pointing out someone's flaws, this is what i think is wrong with you. if you must have a premise for bringing up a sensitive topic it is always out of your Concern, i'm worried You are not happy, etc. you probably don't need to even get into a touchy conversation with this though. you might be able to keep it in casual conversation, i'm sure there are some things you can think of she once showed excitement about... hey honey, what ever happened to you and photography? do you ever think about doing that project... etc, etc. if not that, then the next & the next until you find something. turn it into a conversation about what her interests are. she should like the attention your giving her & going through it will help wake up her own interests, remind her to think about them. if she wonders why, be supportive & comforting, hold her or cuddle up or whatever, casually... oh, i dunno, there are just so many things you're good at.. you used to get so excited about xyz, i think it was good for you.. you were so happy the day blah, blah, blah

lastly, doing more things together & "spicing things up" is not going to help with the underlying issue. although she's as you say, easily hurt, enabling her dependence is worse for her. & for you too.

i do not promise that it will fix your relationship. it may very well be that you two are done but separation will be much easier if she can accept it herself which she seems incapable of now. with a rewarding life indepenent of you she would not be so afraid of separation.

re. domestics, if it bothers you then it's completely fair of you to bring it up & split chores more evenly. again, supportive & non accusatory but it's always ok to bring up when something's bothering you. honey, you've always been... jokes, haha, i.e. i've always been ok with your messiness, but honey sometimes it really bothers me that i have to do all the... you're tired, you're whatever, not a word about how little she does or how much TV watching she does.. can i ask you to please do abc?

re. sex, personally, my opinion... (but this coming from me! lol) i think definitely something Must be done. you Have to get her to explore her sexuality. not your disappointment, make it your disapointing her! it's her satisfaction you want her to have... oi, but this is a whole 'nother long topic!

last resort, there is always the open relationship conversation. if you absolutely cannot address the above problems, or maybe it's gone beyond the pale already, but you can tell your wife how much you love her & how much she'll always mean to you, that you can't leave her but there's something you need you can't expect her to do for you, you want her permission to have a loveless casual relationship with a woman who could never replace her. she will likely connect the implications of denying her approval, that you'd do it anyway & the possibility you'd leave her.

oh, & remember to be affectionate & show her how much you love her

Lastly, my wife is a good person. A very good person; she's very kind, generally thoughtful and loves me fully and unconditionally. Please don't mistake my frustration with bashing her outright.

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