confused331 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 New poster, been lurking for a while. Here is a long story short version. My wife and I have been married going on 8 years. Since we have been together she has had 3 EAs and 1 PA. We have 4 kids together. I love her with all my heart but the last few weeks our relationship has been strained. She won't tell me what is going on but I found out she created a profile on a website like myspace. I was able to figure out her password and saw she was talking to a guy that she used to work with. Here is what she sent last to him. No is this another EA at least or am I overreacting? If it is at least an EA which I suspect it is at least that I'm done, I can't do this anymore with her. Please help Forgot to put what was written. No silly.... I have just been super busy and really can't logon to MSN very much. And I have a snoopy hubby so I have to be careful what I send from email LOL - anyway, I have been thinkin' bout cha! It's funny - the day I signed up for this, some guy messaged me asking me if I was from around here, cause he didn't recognize my name LOL...
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 New poster, been lurking for a while. Here is a long story short version. My wife and I have been married going on 8 years. Since we have been together she has had 3 EAs and 1 PA. We have 4 kids together. I love her with all my heart but the last few weeks our relationship has been strained. She won't tell me what is going on but I found out she created a profile on a website like myspace. I was able to figure out her password and saw she was talking to a guy that she used to work with. Here is what she sent last to him. No is this another EA at least or am I overreacting? If it is at least an EA which I suspect it is at least that I'm done, I can't do this anymore with her. Please help Forgot to put what was written. No silly.... I have just been super busy and really can't logon to MSN very much. And I have a snoopy hubby so I have to be careful what I send from email LOL - anyway, I have been thinkin' bout cha! It's funny - the day I signed up for this, some guy messaged me asking me if I was from around here, cause he didn't recognize my name LOL... That (bolded) should be enough for you to decide that for yourself, but I think you already know. It's inappropriate and wrong and you and she both know it is. She has had 3 EAs and one PA and you're still WITH her? (shakes head)
Author confused331 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I guess that is all I needed. I found a message in her myspace to the same guy and she told him she just got home from work and was thinking about him and lots of hugs and kisses. Guess tomorrow will be fun and the attorney's office. As for why I'm still with her or was still with her, I guess I am just an idiot. I can't come up with another reason
Ronni_W Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 As for why I'm still with her or was still with her, I guess I am just an idiot. 'Love' and 'Hope' can make one lose reason and/or do silly things but it doesn't make one an "idiot"...it's perfectly fine to not beat-up on yourself. The road ahead will be doing enough of that to you, in any case, so may as well start learning how to be kind to yourself . I am sorry for what you have already endured, and for the experiences that lay ahead. (((hugs)))
troubadour Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 It appears that your wife is a habitual philanderer if she has already three EA and one PA in such a relatively short period of time. Now she either already is in a new one or she is heading for one. It is never going to change it is a cycle... from time to time she just has to check out what is going on in the cheating part of town. If you can not live with it you have to talk to a divorce attorney. Confused331, just do not do anything stupid man.
soda Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 3 EAs and a PA in 8 years? And this is just what you know about. If you can't live with her cheating, you need to send her packing. There is a pattern here. She's cheated at least four times. She will do it again.
Bryanp Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 You have got to be kidding me. You have been married 8 years while she has had at least 3 EA's and 1 PA that you know of. In addition, and now this? She is and has been playing you for a total fool. You need to do two things: 1. See an attorney to understand your options. 2. Get your children tested for paternity. If you caught her in 4 affairs already (not counting this new one that is starting) it is a good bet that you do not know the full extent of how many affairs have been going on. Your wife is and has been a serial cheater who has shown by her actions that she has no respect for you and your marriage. She knows she can continue to cheat on you because she can manipulate you into always taking her back. This is very toxic to you and your children. Staying in this relationship will lead to a continued lack of respect from your wife and a potential STD for you down the road. Enough is enough! I wish you luck.
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Seems your wife has regressed and become a wild irresponsible teen and she has forgotten that she is a wife, and a mother of 4 children. She is choosing to go outside of the marriage, so something is very wrong here. She is broken inside and this behaviour will continue until you stand up and do something about it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 She wants to go outside the marriage? then tell her to stay out!!!! How much are you willing to take! Divorce!!!! The curb is awaiting!
Author confused331 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks everyone for putting some sense back into me. I confronted her and she lied, I showed her the proof and she said that I don't know what I'm talking about and it's in my head. Well after that battle she is leaving and giving me the kids and the house. I have an appt with an attorney to see what my options are. I guess the rest of my day will be finding out how to do paternity. Thanks again for all the wisdom.
mark982 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 confused, while my heart goes out to you.Now is the time to get your ducks in order, she's made a mockery of you and your marriage.She will at some time come crawling back, begging for forgiveness,scrub that! get her out of the house, change locks,etc. stick to your guns, and take care of those kids.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Get all that mess in writing!!! You could do so much better than her. She places herself before you and the family, then let her go and find out what the real world has to offer. You better bury this garbage quick before she comes back demanding alimony because every women cheater finds a way to screw over their husbands if they already havent done so in other ways. Good luck to you. Do not reconsile with her, no matter if she comes out the fog or begs, dont go back.
Darth Vader Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Get all that mess in writing!!! You could do so much better than her. She places herself before you and the family, then let her go and find out what the real world has to offer. You better bury this garbage quick before she comes back demanding alimony because every women cheater finds a way to screw over their husbands if they already havent done so in other ways. Good luck to you. Do not reconsile with her, no matter if she comes out the fog or begs, dont go back. She will do a 180, expect it! Then she'll fight like a dog to get the house and children! Protect your assets, your home, children, and get DNA testing done on all of the children, no since in you taking care of another man's child!
soda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 She will do a 180, expect it! Then she'll fight like a dog to get the house and children! Protect your assets, your home, children, and get DNA testing done on all of the children, no since in you taking care of another man's child! Darth Vader is on the dark side of the Force, but PLEASE do listen to him. I'm experiencing the 180 in my own trainwreck of a marriage and my D attorney actually pulls on my hair to make me promise that I won't buy into my W's sudden "effort" and epiphany. Get a lawyer before your W does. It will expensive. You will be in debt. A good lawyer now will save you grief later. I knew I had mine when two minutes into our first meeting, she said, "Your wife has lovin' outside the marriage? How sweet. Hopefully her splendid guy is ready and willing to pay the losing attorney's fees. Let's see how much he really loves her when she comes with financial and emotional baggage." Get a new credit card in YOUR NAME only. This will help you. Yes, it's vindictive...but 4 affairs in 8 years? Your W has been thinking about herself only throughout the marriage. Kick her to the curb.
Author confused331 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Ok, everyone I need more help. After speaking with lawyer and turning over some stuff to him I have been talking to my wife. I'm getting the whole thing. She wants me back She won't ever do it again What can she do to prove it She doesn't know why she does it She doesn't feel lacking in the marriage she just likes attention from others And all the stuff most people hear and stuff I have heard before. She has given me very few details about what happened in last one and a few more about another trying to show she is being honest and different this time. I hate this, I can't picture myself without her but I can't go on living like this. Any words of encouragement that I'm doing the right thing by going through with the Bid D? I don't know how to tell my kids everyday that mommy isn't there because I didn't want her to be there not because she didn't want to. Is she just putting me on because she is afraid of what her life might be like when we are gone? Is it possible this time will be different?
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 The fact that she says she does not know why she does it means it will always continue since she has no idea how to stop it. I have to be blunt. She clearly is able to manipulate you and you seem co-dependent. My guess is that this little dance will continue until you are totally broken and or you contact an STD. Maybe you should ask yourself why do you wish to love a woman who continues to disrespect and humiliate you in such awful ways. Imagine what it would be to be with a woman who truly loves and respects you. The choice is yours.
Author confused331 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I see what your saying. But at this point being 30 with 1 ExW 1 STBXW and 6 kids between the 2, which for now I'm guessing are all mine. I don't think I'm any womans ideal partner prospect. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time with this since I'm still young and looking at a life of being alone. Co-dependent, I think you hit the nail on the head
troubadour Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Give yourself a huge favour and get divorced as soon as you can. If you don't it will mean that you conciously accept a role of cuckold husband because it is only a matter of time before your wife gets this "itch" again. Deep down you know that it is going to happen again... she is just this kind of woman who needs "extra excitement" in her life and it is not going to change. I realise that it is not an easy decision but your future will be much better without her than with her. Even if you decide to stay married now you will simply postpone something what will happen in the future anyway. Save yourself and your kids going through the same pain again.
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Any words of encouragement that I'm doing the right thing by going through with the Bid D? Confused, why not make a concerted effort at marriage counseling a condition precedent of you two staying together for the next 6 months? I would also almost want her to do individual therapy to figure her own stuff out -- as someone mentioned, if she can't get clear on her own motives, there is no serious hope or expectation of a permanent change...and YOU do not need to be involved in sessions that really are about her getting her own clarity. Have you checked marriagebuilders.com? -- they have a fair section on recovering from infidelity, and moving forward as a couple. Hopefully you will find something hope-inspiring...or at least get to a place of feeling more comfortable about taking the next step towards divorce. Best of luck.
Darth Vader Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Confused, why not make a concerted effort at marriage counseling a condition precedent of you two staying together for the next 6 months? I would also almost want her to do individual therapy to figure her own stuff out -- as someone mentioned, if she can't get clear on her own motives, there is no serious hope or expectation of a permanent change...and YOU do not need to be involved in sessions that really are about her getting her own clarity. Have you checked marriagebuilders.com? -- they have a fair section on recovering from infidelity, and moving forward as a couple. Hopefully you will find something hope-inspiring...or at least get to a place of feeling more comfortable about taking the next step towards divorce. Best of luck. I disagree. Listen confused, your wife, or whatever, is a serial cheater, PERIOD! It's not a question of if, but, when, she cheats again. Do you want to get AIDS? If not, Divorce this woman. She's absolutely not going to stop cheating. I know you know that. Do the right thing for yourself, and your children.
Author confused331 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Vader, Troubadour, BryanP and other thank you. I know deep down that she will continue her ways and you all are right. As of 2 months ago I am clean and don't want to catch something. Ronni, thanks for your advice and we have tried MC before but when she doesn't tell the truth in the sessions it's kind of hard to resolve things. She tried individual counseling before because she has depression but she quits when they really start talking about her issues.
Author confused331 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 So I found a sexual chat log that the STBXW had with OM while she was at work as a Office manager in a small office. I want to send it to her boss to see what she has been doing on company time. Is that wrong to do?
troubadour Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I don't think it is a good idea. Nothing good will come out of doing it. Take constructive steps to get your life in order. Don't do destructive things. You have to keep in mind that despite what she has done she is still a mother of your children and you two will have to rise them... even if you get divorced.
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 So I found a sexual chat log that the STBXW had with OM while she was at work as a Office manager in a small office. I want to send it to her boss to see what she has been doing on company time. Is that wrong to do? OMG... Now I really can't blame her... think about your kids for Pete's sake..
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 OMG... Now I really can't blame her.. you are just mean.. think about your kids for Pete's sake.. Lizzy, you're just trying to find reasons to justify her behavior! No, don't send it to her boss, Confused. Don't give her a reason to go after your paycheck!
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