ONE explanation for a sexless relationship

[carhill]

My wife has told me repeatedly that she wishes I hadn't ended my friendship with my old female friend. I think, for her, the spectre of having to meet my emotional needs herself outweighed the resentment/betrayal of my getting those needs met elsewhere.

 

The interesting curiosity is that, due to MC, I have a clearer understanding of the incompatibilities in my marriage and those same psychological conflicts existed between myself and my friend, but the connection was stronger, mitigating them. Both women, IMO, would prefer to be with men who have minimal need for intimacy. F#cking is OK to enjoyed a bit, but forget about the whole package. Just my opinion but my gut tells me I'm right.

 

Our psychologist asked my wife about her childhood and if she was ignored as a child (she was, as part of a large family) and if she likened being ignored to being loved and if that's why she preferred I ignore her, as she does me, except for necessary interactions. I heard similar comments from my friend about her ex, whom I had thought all these years was an a-hole, but now I'm starting to see more clearly. She abandoned him, just like my wife abandoned me, in his case during the trauma of his parent's death's; in mine, it was my mother's dementia.

 

I can't say enough about how MC has clarified these issues. My work is acceptance and to decide if I want to remain in such a relationship, adjunct to my work on better communication and toning down my chatterbox

[luvstarved]

Our psychologist asked my wife about her childhood and if she was ignored as a child (she was, as part of a large family) and if she likened being ignored to being loved and if that's why she preferred I ignore her, as she does me, except for necessary interactions.

 

Interesting, carhill, I had same situation of being "forgotten child" (last of

5, and a less-valued female in a matriarchy) and result was opposite.

I am dying for the love and validation I've had yet to experience. Guess it can work either way.

 

Our counselor said in adult relationships, we tend to try to recreate the type of relationships we grew up with, and then try to get them right this time. Usually this means we take the one parent that did not give us what we want, then we pick a mate similar to that parent, and try to get what we did not get as a child. I can see some truth in there for me, but not sure it holds up for your wife.

 

I guess in the end it is like everything else. You read a bajillion self-help books until you find the one that hits home. And then get frustrated when awareness does not instantly yield a solution. Sigh!!

[carhill]

Short version, based on conversation and my observations:

Wife: One of five. Father was gone a lot but loved his kids. Got shot and paralyzed when wife was a teenager. Died a decade or so later. He liked to party, drink and live life large. Mother liked other men. Parents divorced while father was paralyzed. Family moved a lot. Father "rescued" children from mother. No clue what of her male role models my wife saw in me. She had substantial therapy after her second marriage failed.

 

Friend: One of seven. Moved a lot. Father was distant. Children were seen and not heard. Parents still married (50 years). Friend apparently felt she wasn't worthy of her father's love because he was so distant emotionally. She still seeks his approval, even today as a middle-aged adult. Father was dedicated to family and suffered mother's indiscretions. Father is very meticulous and has IMO a very sarcastic wit, much like myself. Once I interacted with her father, I understood the dynamic, and why I'd never be in a position where she felt worthy of the love I always had for her. She's much better off with the man she has now (bf) as the love/intimacy level is more compatible with her psyche.

 

Myself:

Parents married until father's death (32 years). Only child. Never moved. Catholic schooling. Most significant parental factor was mother being a very strong personality. Parents didn't know how to deal with my physical sensitivity, so lessened physical affection. Fewer expressions of love to myself (and vice versa). Both parents made me feel safe and loved by their actions. Never felt abandoned or afraid. No unfinished business with either parent. Mother alive but in dementia facility. No other significant family.

 

Perhaps my attraction to women who are distant emotionally was because of how I perceived my mother, even though she was quite involved in my life. Hmmm.... too bad I can't talk to her about that anymore. Anyway, MC has taught me that neither perspective (mine nor the women I've described) is bad or wrong; we just have different psyche's, perhaps incompatible ones. I don't know; maybe I was the milkman's baby

[stoopid_guy]

I wonder if women (or men, for that matter) who seem to be content with the shallow, ungiving marriage...if they were truly honest, really do not care if the spouses have affairs. Like, in good conscience or for moral appearance, they can't SAY so, but are content to hum along with a tune in their heads and their blinders on...don't ask don't tell.

..."

You're right. At the absolute low point in our marriage (at least for me) my wife said something like "If you cheat, I just don't want to know, and I don't want our friends to know." At the time, I was too "numb" to even think about other women, cheating had not even occurred to me.

 

In most regards, she's a loving, generous person. But when it come to our "love-life" she's purely about appearance. At one point, I had started sleeping in the guest bedroom. She wanted me to come back to our bed when she realized our daughter might notice that her friend's parents slept together but we didn't. Appearance....

 

She's the middle of three kids, and her parents are rather conservative and formal.

[silktricks]

My work is acceptance and to decide if I want to remain in such a relationship, adjunct to my work on better communication and toning down my chatterbox

 

Just an observation, but I would like to add that you probably also need to come to an awareness of why you choose women who have this issue with intimacy. Is it possible that you may have something of an issue yourself that you haven't fully come to grips with???

[carhill]

Is it possible that you may have something of an issue yourself that you haven't fully come to grips with???

 

Lack of experience mainly. I would never do that now. I find such relationships (unemotional ones) in general very empty, which is why I only have a few good male friends. You'll note my postings here regarding the value of female friends, which I've had many of over the years and whom I valued far more than the male ones. Different wiring, different choices, all along a path to acceptance, both of myself for who I am and others for who they are. Labels I learn in MC. I liken it to the language on the signposts becoming clear, as if my vision has been improved

[marriedwithtwo]

After reading all 6 pages, I have this to add:

 

Only if both partners want a change, will it happen.

 

My spouse and I get along very well, but our libido's are drastically different (I want more). I've read all the books, we've talked it over, but in the end, unless she wants or is willing for a change is the ONLY time things will change.

 

I could demand or force things, but in the end it will just piss her off. I have no doubt there are some things I could (and would) do differently to re-energize her attraction to me, but she simply doesn't know it herself. She thinks things are fine, and is destined to do it more than she wants for my sake only (not nearly as much as I want).

 

But I digress. Only if both spouses want a change will it happen, no matter how much you talk about it, prod, convince, read, or discuss.

[angryyoungman70]

Only if both spouses want a change will it happen, no matter how much you talk about it, prod, convince, read, or discuss.

 

 

You are absolutely correct.

[esoralle]

I am not really sure where to start. I have been married to my husband for nearly 4 years, we have a 2 year old daughter and we both work full-time. My husband claims to have a ‘high’ sex-drive (don’t all men??) where as mine is practically non existent. I do think about sex (with my husband obviously) and I do love and fancy him, I am simply just too exhausted and stressed the majority of the time, not to mention the thought of being interrupted by a snotty nosed 2 year old asking for ‘mummy cuddle’ at any moment! Quite often I fall asleep on the sofa at a ridiculously early hour having either been at work all day or having slogged my guts to the bone cooking, cleaning washing etc. Whilst said husband plays on the playstation until 2 / 3 am, by which time the last thing on my mind is sex, but getting back to sleep to try and achieve optimum shut eye just to be able to make it though the next day. My job (not only as a mother) requires me to be on the ball and trying to get through the day on less than 6 hours uninterrupted sleep a night is sheer hell.

 

And so we come to the problem, husband says he has given up trying and I am left feeling useless, I could simply put out to solve the problem, a quick 3 minutes every so often is not so much to ask, but this leaves me feeling negative, I should want to do it, but I don’t and it is becoming a huge problem. Husband has suggested I seek medical help, which leaves me feeling very low indeed, is there really something wrong with me? I don’t think so, I am sure that many working mothers face this problem, I don’t need medical help – I need domestic help!!!! (footnote - husband does help out with chores when asked, but quality of work is often lacking and I have high standards, which usually resultsin an argument or me doing it myself)

 

There are the other implications as well, I am not so fond of my body since my little girl was born, I don’t feel sexy, despite what husband might say, he hasn’t shaved (for example) and I can’t bear the red raw face look. I am on the pill which I do think works by simply making you not want sex. But despite all this, something has to give as this seems to be having a severe detrimental effect on an already stressed relationship, I do feel my husband slipping away from me and me from him as I hurt so deep that he can not understand my perspective. I try to fulfill my wifely duties…..cook healthy meals, do the washing, clean the house, bring up our daughter, work full time, worry about the finances, the one wifely duty I have no energy left to fulfill is in the bedroom.

 

I need help and advice, I assume this is a common problem, but how do we resolve it – do I really have to humiliate myself by going to see a doctor or relate?

[Lizzie60]

well.. eso.. there is one solution.. hire a cleaning lady or lower your standards.. you need to make time for the bedroom otherwise you will lose him... on the other hand, he might need to help you more with the house chores... but trust me.. a cleaning lady does miracle.

[Mr. Lucky]

I try to fulfill my wifely duties…..cook healthy meals, do the washing, clean the house, bring up our daughter, work full time, worry about the finances, the one wifely duty I have no energy left to fulfill is in the bedroom.

 

I need help and advice, I assume this is a common problem, but how do we resolve it – do I really have to humiliate myself by going to see a doctor or relate?

Have you ever heard the expression that "Life is what happens while you're making plans to do other things"? In your case, it's a sub-standard life that's happening !!!

 

Why is having a house clean to your high standards of work quality more important than sleep or sex? While I can certainly empathise with how full a working mother's plate must be, it would seem to me that you've chosen to let go of the wrong things. Were it me, I'd follow Lizzie's advice and hire out the cleaning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrsT]

Maybe it is a matter of integrity.