yongyong Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I really don't know where I should post this we've been in a relationship for 2 month but during 2 months, we talked about moving in together and our future. Last week, she broke up with me after fight. One day after she contacted me cuz she still thought about me. We found there were some misunderstanding when we fought. and I thought we were starting our relationship again she's telling me , let's just be friends now because she has to deal with many personal problems (fight with ex-husband, job etc) and she is not ready for the relationship. she is asking me to be with her though. BUT she is telling me 'you don't have to wait for me, if you find someone let me know, stay with me till you find someone' I told her 'I can't wait for forever' and she said she is taking a risk:confused: She also told me that how ex-husband broke her heart so I am thinking she might be scared of getting hurt again......... If she loves me but need time to focus on her life, that's fine I totally understand. But she is saying 'she doesn't believe in future and can't give me commitment' I really don't know what this woman's intention is.............
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You'll get other opinions, but, to me, this is the classic goodbye, tempered by wanting to grasp the branch just a little bit longer. So, what is her definition of "friends"? I hang out, drink beer and bench race with my friends.... what does she have in mind?
LoveLace Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I agree with Carhill. She's asking you to stick around even though she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to commit. That would be stringing you along.
Author yongyong Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 no.....if she wanted to end this relationship, she wouldn't contact me. I think she wants to have relationship like befre (hangingout sometime and even sex) but whenver I talk about future (like living together, engaged) she tells me I pressure her and she doesn't know what would happen in the future
LoveLace Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 no.....if she wanted to end this relationship, she wouldn't contact me. I think she wants to have relationship like befre (hangingout sometime and even sex) but whenver I talk about future (like living together, engaged) she tells me I pressure her and she doesn't know what would happen in the future Ok then she might want some hanging out and sex but she doesn't want to talk about a future with you. Again, it would be stringing you along.
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 OP, I know this sound harsh, but don't worry about what she wants. She wants what she wants. Right now that appears to be incompatible with what you want. How much are you willing to bend?
LoveLace Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Giving her what she wants would make her happy but it would only make you temporarily happy untill you learn she still does not want commitment. It's unfair to you...end it so you can find something better.
Author yongyong Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I am just trying to understand her. I can just dump her walk away but what if I found out her true intention later and regret about it? maybe she doesn't want me to be involved with all shxx she is going through? (she told me couple times, find younger and single girl since she is older and has a kid) Is there anyone who thought you couldn't be in a relationship because of your personal problems? OP, I know this sound harsh, but don't worry about what she wants. She wants what she wants. Right now that appears to be incompatible with what you want. How much are you willing to bend?
LoveLace Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I am just trying to understand her. I can just dump her walk away but what if I found out her true intention later and regret about it? maybe she doesn't want me to be involved with all shxx she is going through? (she told me couple times, find younger and single girl since she is older and has a kid) Is there anyone who thought you couldn't be in a relationship because of your personal problems? Of course personal problems can interfere. They also get used as excuses not to commit to someone...instead of just saying so. If she came back for you later, you'll either be available or you won't. But listen to what she says: don't wait for her....find someone else...sorry - but she wouldn't say those things if she didn't mean it. She knows that keeping you is stringing you along. I think the only thing you might regret later is if you stick around and hope she'll change.
Author yongyong Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 she is asking to stay with her till she figures out but she said she can't beg (ego thing) and if I want to leave, I should let her know. When I talk to her, I know this woman cares about me (tears in the eyes) If I forget about those comments ('I don't know what will happen in future'), I can hangout with her just like before. It is in my mind everytime I think about her and I keep asking her what her intention is..........and we get into argument any woman can understand a woman like her?
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 IMO, you're attempting to understand and make sense of something which you will never understand nor make sense of. Assume what you want and what she wants are different things. What do you do now? Changing her feelings is not possible.
The Collector Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I can just dump her walk away I bet you can't. She's just not that into you. All her lines are classic excuses, people here have heard em and used em. Switch the positions - if you were into her or any other woman, would you risk losing them by saying 'let's just be friends for now, if you see anyone you prefer, please go right ahead..?' Also, she has a kid and her priority may be finding a good provider/step dad. Maybe you flunked that test. These arguments - in your heart do you think you are causing them, or that she's turning discussions into fights and you're powerless to stop it?
Mahatma Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 She wants you to stick with her, but not call it a relationship? That makes absolutely no sense at all. I would tell her you are going to go your separate ways and maybe once she gets her life right, and you are single, you can try it again. Also, if you are having fights within 2 months of dating, I would be weary.
Author yongyong Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 She told me 'if you find someone else, let me know' after I said to her 'bus is not gonna wait for you forever after it's gone, it's too late' I think she said that because of 'ego thing' (eg: when girl friend says 'I have many guys who are all over me', I might say 'then date him' even though I really didn't mean it) I think I will tell her I can't follow the rules she sets cuz that's not healthy relationship (it's about mutual understanding not one person needs understand everything and sacrifice for the other) if she says fine, then I will just let her know she doesn't have to contact me till she changes her mind or she is ready for the relationship again. I hope she realizes how important I am after I am gone.......... P.S: I think she treated me better when I was acting like 'bad boy' during our relationship (not returning her txt right away, treat her with whatever attitude) I am not sure this is happening because I changed to 'nice guy' and decided to be fully committed to her. oh well , I will get back into the game anyway (I am into those pick up community thing) I actually got her # as a practice and didn't know it would be this serious lol
Joe Taylor Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I agree with what some have said here, but I don't think I'd personally shut her out completely - assuming I had feelings. Even though I've been burned in situations like you are in in the past, my current wife wasn't yet divorced (split, but not divorced yet) when we started dating. I gave her a lot of room and time.. I didn't push it. There was a lot of healing that needed to be done and issues she had to work out.. but it was worth the wait - I knew she could be the one. She came around after a few months and I became her center and we fell in love. Could happen here; people heal and move on and maybe your that person that she needs.. but at the same time, I wouldn't be shy about pursuing other relationships and continuing dating others. Lifes to short. Good Luck!
Author yongyong Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 changed the plan I want to say 'adios' to please my ego but after reading post above, I changed my mind little bit. I won't wait for her hoping she will come back. I will go back to normal life as a single guy. I will repond to her txt or phone call but it would be simple and cold. She wants to see me sometime but somedays I will tell her I am not available The bottom line is I will treat her just like how 'Very hot but nice blonde girl treats orbiters around her'
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 The bottom line is I will treat her just like how 'Very hot but nice blonde girl treats orbiters around her' Good line
A.G.Doren Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 changed the plan I want to say 'adios' to please my ego but after reading post above, I changed my mind little bit. I won't wait for her hoping she will come back. I will go back to normal life as a single guy. I will repond to her txt or phone call but it would be simple and cold. She wants to see me sometime but somedays I will tell her I am not available The bottom line is I will treat her just like how 'Very hot but nice blonde girl treats orbiters around her' I think maintaining a distant relationship is good, but remember to KIT for b-days and holidays,and don't forget to keep seeing others. Remember this woman may heal and be ready a relationship one day and she may never be.
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