in pieces over married man part 2

[Lookingforward]

Well at least you acknowlege that!

 

she said "may" :lmao:

[Lookingforward]

"He also made me feel pressured - he used to go on about how he has managed to make all of his previous women reach climax & said if he couldnt make me climax from intercourse alone he would assume we were not compatible & end the A!"

 

Wow. He's a special sort of d**k.

 

Isn't he just, though? Can imagine he has the women all queued up just champing at the bit to get at that one

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

it seems that this guy has no genuine feelings for her and is just trying to get a woman in the sack. If that is so, then one thing that I think a lot of women would ask is, if he's not crazy in love with her, why would he waste so much time and energy on getting her in bed? Why not just go to a bar and pick up one of those women you see hanging out there that are just looking for someone to sleep with? Why did this MM pick HER of all people to do this with? I think this is the where most women lose the thread - by misinterpreting his attention on her to mean true love.

 

exactly what I just cant understand - surely it would have been far easier for him to pick up a woman in a club or even get a prostitute if it was just sex he was after?

Instead of trying to get me into bed by so called grooming me for the best part of a year! He must be very patient & like a challenge. But he was well aware I had self esteem issues & many problems so I also dont understand why he would want to add more difficulties in my life. Again he could have chosen an easier target. Or perhaps he though I was an easy target because Im vulnerable. I just dont know.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

But he is not yours! He belongs to his wife!

 

Dont you think I realize that?!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

 

 

He needed this to feed his own ego. This guy probably knows he is inferior in bed and so does his wife. He wants you to hollow and scream to make him feel like a stud. What a loser.

quote]

 

But the way he went on about the size of his equipment & how he has managed to make all his previous woman climax with just his d*** made me think he would be the best I ever had in bed - although when we did get intimate (still not had full sex) I found it very hard to relax & reach climax & I felt like I was taking too long for him.

Because of what he had said before it actually made me really tense & put so much focus on actually coming that I just couldnt let go - felt really guilty & that there must be something wrong with me...well he satisfied everyone else didnt he? Perhaps he told me all that bull**** to make me want to sleep with him more.

[Angel1111]

...although when we did get intimate (still not had full sex) I found it very hard to relax & reach climax & I felt like I was taking too long for him.

 

How does this work if you didn't have full sex...?

[wildsoul]

Hi there. I finally got a chance to read your first thread. So now I see the greater context of your ages and where you're at in your life.

 

First, I just want to say that OF COURSE he was interested in you. You're 26 years old, sweet, and beautiful. So the little sidetrack we've been taking, wondering why he would choose you over easy sex with someone else is mute.

 

You're a prize! Sex with a sweet, young, vulnerable woman makes him feel good about himself. He's going thru his mid-life crisis years. (I'm 43, so my guy friends are 40-50 too.) It made him feel great that you found him attractive enough to have a crush. He got to feel young again.

 

Also, many guys enjoy playing the role of sexual teacher or deflowerer. That's common and nothing really wrong with it as long as there are boundaries overall. But to him, it sounds KEY to his schtick.

 

Your feelings and the potential aftermath were irrlevant to him. In fact, I'm SURE that even though he planned on using you for just a short time, he had it all worked out in his mind that he was doing YOU a favor somehow. He actually believes his thingy is made of gold.

 

So don't waste another minute guessing why he wanted you. Of course he wanted you! You're a big prize. You're just feeling bad and forgot that abot yourself.

 

Really, the bigger question is why did YOU settle for him?

 

I was really moved by your confessions of how you've had a hard year, full of angst and loneliness. You're emotionally overwhelmed. Super vulnerable because of that.

 

I can really relate because the last 2 years have been hard for me too. I had left my marriage, bought my own house in an area 90-min away. I'm self-employed and the economy is tanking. The house has needed a ton of repairs that depleted my savings. I'm lonely, overwhelmed, and don't know if I'm gonna' make it. Every day, I try to put on my big girl panties and deal, but every night up awake with anxiety.

 

I'm not saying my emotional state is an excuse for my affair, but it is one of the reasons why I was more vulnerable. After so much hardship, all the love and devotion he gave me were like water in a desert. My guy promised more than yours in that he liked to talk about our future life together all the time. He acted as my rescuer, and I really really need a savior right now. I'm not making it on my own.

 

So bringing it back to you, I'd like to say that you need to pick up the pieces and keep working on those issues that made you so vulnerable. Because if you're like me, those issues are not only still there, but compounded by the heartache.

 

You're still that young, beautiful, nice woman. You'll get your glow back. Keep working on the issues that made you vulnerable to that guy. Because it sounds like those play a big part. You probably wouldn't have given into him otherwise.

[stillafool]

Also, many guys enjoy playing the role of sexual teacher or deflowerer. That's common and nothing really wrong with it as long as there are boundaries overall. But to him, it sounds KEY to his schtick.

 

 

 

Were you a virgin? I'm sorry but at age 26 I would have seen this coming. At 19 or 20, maybe not.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Were you a virgin? I'm sorry but at age 26 I would have seen this coming. At 19 or 20, maybe not.

 

No but not had many guys at all & really naive or so Ive been told! When MM came onto me for the first time earlier this year I had not had sex or a boyfriend for 18 months & he said he felt sorry for me!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

How does this work if you didn't have full sex...?

 

manual/oral stimulation

[Angel1111]

No but not had many guys at all & really naive or so Ive been told! When MM came onto me for the first time earlier this year I had not had sex or a boyfriend for 18 months & he said he felt sorry for me!

 

I hate to say it, hon, but this guy is really full of himself. He felt sorry for you??? Oh, my gosh.

[Angel1111]

manual/oral stimulation

 

His comment about ending the relationship if you didn't enjoy sex with him was a threat and that's why you froze up emotionally. Please don't ever stand by and let a man say such ridiculous things to you again. No matter how sweet he may sound when he says these kinds of things, you can't ignore the message. He is so low quality and don't even know where to begin.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I hate to say it, hon, but this guy is really full of himself. He felt sorry for you??? Oh, my gosh.

 

Yeah I couldnt believe it when he said that was why he offered me sex cos he felt sorry for me, felt really upset! But this was one of the first times he tried it on with me quite a while back - the underlying attraction was there but I turned him down for moral reasons - he was a married man. When I pointed that out to him he was like "so?". Didnt seem have any respect for W&K back home. I only gave into my feelings when he anounced he was moving out of the houseshare to move W&K to the area as you will see in my previous post.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Some people love to hurt themselves. Some people love be hurt by others. And others love to hurt others. Being the other person comprises all of these things.

 

Heart I hope one day you will find yourself and really think about what your about. Then, maybe you will change your name to Wholehearted. If I can get you to answer these questions... Maybe they will give yourself and others some better insight about those who chose to play the role of the other person.

 

1. What were you taught about adultery by those you respect?

2. What qualities do you look for in a man and from your romantic relationships?

3. How does a married man play in to these qualities and relationship?

4. Have you told those you love and respect about your relationship?

5. Do you think you could and would look his wife and kids in the eyes and tell them that you deserve his love and they don't?

6. Would you explain to them how this great and good this loving man he is?

7. How about if you were in the wife's place or the kids... How would you feel if the one you loved and trusted behaved so selfishly and shamelessly?

8. What would you say to another person in your same shoes?

 

DNR[/quote

 

 

1. What were you taught about adultery by those you respect?

Never really been discussed so unsure of their opinion on the subject. Dont think my parents ever cheated although my father did tell my Mother he had fallen in love with another woman once but nothing actually happened between him & the OP as far as I know.

 

2. What qualities do you look for in a man and from your romantic relationships?

Well I have not had many relationships - quite inexperienced. I guess I look for a man who is interesting, intelligent, older, ambitious, has same interests as me, good looking, kind, trustworthy & who will look after me. Although the way things turn out obviously not every guy I get with will always have all of these qualities.

 

3. How does a married man play in to these qualities and relationship?

Obviously a MM is not ever trustworthy if he has an A! But he seemed so much more interesting etc than guys my own age & the usual type that go after me.

 

4. Have you told those you love and respect about your relationship?

Alot of my friends know, my sisters know although Im really scared to tell my parents as Im like the black sheep of the family & feel they would really judge me & be nasty to me over it even though Im the one who has been heartbroken & suffering so at the same time I kind of want to tell them so they know the pain Ive been through over the last few months.

 

5. Do you think you could and would look his wife and kids in the eyes and tell them that you deserve his love and they don't?

No way, it is not their fault. I do not deserve his love more than his kids do. I did tell him in the unlikely event of him leaving for me I would take on those kids & love them like my own. Its not a case of deserving his love more than his wife does but he obviously has no respect for her to have done this & I dont know what has gone on in the past between them or even now - he very rarely talked about his life.

 

6. Would you explain to them how this great and good this loving man he is?

If things had had worked out between us then yeah but the way he is being I would say what an a**hole their father & husband is. For cheating on them & living a lie & how hes treated me.

 

7. How about if you were in the wife's place or the kids... How would you feel if the one you loved and trusted behaved so selfishly and shamelessly?

Would feel very betrayed & heartbroken & disgusted that he had done this. He is not the man they think he is.

 

8. What would you say to another person in your same shoes?

Move on from this by going completely NC & get on with life. Easier said than done though!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Some people love to hurt themselves. Some people love be hurt by others. And others love to hurt others. Being the other person comprises all of these things.

 

Heart I hope one day you will find yourself and really think about what your about. Then, maybe you will change your name to Wholehearted. If I can get you to answer these questions... Maybe they will give yourself and others some better insight about those who chose to play the role of the other person.

 

1. What were you taught about adultery by those you respect?

2. What qualities do you look for in a man and from your romantic relationships?

3. How does a married man play in to these qualities and relationship?

4. Have you told those you love and respect about your relationship?

5. Do you think you could and would look his wife and kids in the eyes and tell them that you deserve his love and they don't?

6. Would you explain to them how this great and good this loving man he is?

7. How about if you were in the wife's place or the kids... How would you feel if the one you loved and trusted behaved so selfishly and shamelessly?

8. What would you say to another person in your same shoes?

 

DNR

 

1. What were you taught about adultery by those you respect?

Never really been discussed so unsure of their opinion on the subject. Dont think my parents ever cheated although my father did tell my Mother he had fallen in love with another woman once but nothing actually happened between him & the OP as far as I know.

 

2. What qualities do you look for in a man and from your romantic relationships?

Well I have not had many relationships - quite inexperienced. I guess I look for a man who is interesting, intelligent, older, ambitious, has same interests as me, good looking, kind, trustworthy & who will look after me. Although the way things turn out obviously not every guy I get with will always have all of these qualities.

 

3. How does a married man play in to these qualities and relationship?

Obviously a MM is not ever trustworthy if he has an A! But he seemed so much more interesting etc than guys my own age & the usual type that go after me.

 

4. Have you told those you love and respect about your relationship?

Alot of my friends know, my sisters know although Im really scared to tell my parents as Im like the black sheep of the family & feel they would really judge me & be nasty to me over it even though Im the one who has been heartbroken & suffering so at the same time I kind of want to tell them so they know the pain Ive been through over the last few months.

 

5. Do you think you could and would look his wife and kids in the eyes and tell them that you deserve his love and they don't?

No way, it is not their fault. I do not deserve his love more than his kids do. I did tell him in the unlikely event of him leaving for me I would take on those kids & love them like my own. Its not a case of deserving his love more than his wife does but he obviously has no respect for her to have done this & I dont know what has gone on in the past between them or even now - he very rarely talked about his life.

 

6. Would you explain to them how this great and good this loving man he is?

If things had had worked out between us then yeah but the way he is being I would say what an a**hole their father & husband is. For cheating on them & living a lie & how hes treated me.

 

7. How about if you were in the wife's place or the kids... How would you feel if the one you loved and trusted behaved so selfishly and shamelessly?

Would feel very betrayed & heartbroken & disgusted that he had done this. He is not the man they think he is.

 

8. What would you say to another person in your same shoes?

Move on from this by going completely NC & get on with life. Easier said than done though!

[me003]

Heartbroken, I have to say that even though the questions asked were DNR, I am proud of you for being so opened about your answers to all of us.

 

I am not trying to compare premarital sex with an affair, but isn't premarital (more so in the past) seen as immoral? Didn't they used to kick girls out of Christian Schools if they got pregnant? someone had a 1 night stand, isn't that bad too?

 

All I have to say here is that you have recognized that what you did is wrong and you are trying to move on. It is hard and that it will take time. What's important here is no not do it again. Also if you start dating a single man and he shows the traits that xMM showed LEAVE...

 

good luck and again, I am proud of you for not hiding out in the above post.

[angie2443]

Dont think my parents ever cheated although my father did tell my Mother he had fallen in love with another woman once but nothing actually happened between him & the OP as far as I know.!

 

Your father cheated on your mother. It is very predictable that you would end up with a married man. This happens alot!

 

I also wanted to add, an older man will often seem more interesting to a younger woman because he knows what to say and what not to say. He knows how to work you, especially if you do not have a lot of self esteem.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

 

Your father cheated on your mother. It is very predictable that you would end up with a married man. This happens alot!

 

I also wanted to add, an older man will often seem more interesting to a younger woman because he knows what to say and what not to say. He knows how to work you, especially if you do not have a lot of self esteem.

 

 

He said he didnt actually do anything with this other person, just heard him telling my mother one day when I was a young teenager that he was in love with another woman - but loved this OW like a sister - nothing sexual & said nothing actually happened.

It was all forgotten very quickly though - I remember we moved away from the area a few months later but not because of that - they had planned to move for a while anyway.

My father had a drink problem & was often violent to my Mom & sometimes me as well. Also my mother suffered from depression & both parents were very emotionally abusive towards each other & me. Still affecting me in my adult life - the fact I got with a MM is evidence of this. Cant seem to form normal relationships.

You are right about older men seeming more appealing to younger women - lads my own age seem so immature.

[angie2443]

 

 

He said he didnt actually do anything with this other person, just heard him telling my mother one day when I was a young teenager that he was in love with another woman - but loved this OW like a sister - nothing sexual & said nothing actually happened.

It was all forgotten very quickly though - I remember we moved away from the area a few months later but not because of that - they had planned to move for a while anyway.

My father had a drink problem & was often violent to my Mom & sometimes me as well. Also my mother suffered from depression & both parents were very emotionally abusive towards each other & me. Still affecting me in my adult life - the fact I got with a MM is evidence of this. Cant seem to form normal relationships.

You are right about older men seeming more appealing to younger women - lads my own age seem so immature.

 

I stated that "your father cheated on your mother" not to make accusations at him, but to try to help you see why you seem so vulnerable to this situation. I think you understand, though.

 

My situation growing up had some simularities to yours. My father was emotionally abusive among other things, and my mother went through bouts of depression (I think due to my father's treatment of her). Anyways, I went through a period where I went with older men. I thought they would be more mature, warmer and more intelligent. I guess I was looking for someone to help guide me through life, although I wouldn't have seen that back then. The thing is, is that a man who grooms a younger woman to be with her sexually, isn't mature or warm, or intelligent at all. They know how to come across like that because they've been around long enough to know what to say and what not to say. I'm not talking about all older men, just the ones who specifically go for much younger women.

 

I think if you take the time to gain self confidance and gain a better understanding of how you ended up in this situation, you'll be alright. Good luck!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Some people love to hurt themselves. Some people love be hurt by others. And others love to hurt others. Being the other person comprises all of these things.

DNR

 

 

Ok so subconsciously cos of my background & low self esteem I may love to hurt myself as I deep down probably think I deserve it - to be second prize & not deserve the total love of an available man.

Again for the same reasons I keep getting hurt by others as Im vulnerable & an easy target to get walked all over.

But I would never ever intentionally hurt others.

I know by going ahead with an A is hurting his family (even though they have no idea) but he did seek me out, ok it does take two but looking back I do think he prayed upon me as I was emotionally weak & gullable. I do accept responsibility for the role I played in all of this though. However I loved this man more than life itself & he was my rock (or so I thought) and I felt a connection with him like nothing I had ever felt before with anyone in my life, ever.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'd like to give you a "peep-see" into the soul of the man you've fallen in love with but, before I give you my thoughts, let's harken back to your previous thread and recount the evaluation provided by Lakesidedream. He pointed out the predatory manner in which this man groomed your relationship at great length in his explanations and I'd like to expound upon them.

 

Your MM first started out by benignly taking you under his wing in the guise of friendship only to methodically manipulate you into an emotional affair that seemlessly matriculated into physical contact with the single minded intent to take your body and put another notch on his belt. You have so far been a reluctantly unwilling partner in his dance of deception by listening to the little voice in the back of your head that saw signs that said "something ain't right", however, the allure of what might be kept you curious and hopeful enough to step a little deeper and extend a little farther into the emotional traps he laid with every sly game he played! Its been difficult for you to discern the full truth of his actions because of how deeply you were enveloped in his mascarade but, from my vantage point outside looking in, its all been an elaborate "dog and pony" show, presented not for your amusement but instead, for the sole purpose of conquest.

 

Let's discuss some of these games he played to see if we agree or agree to disagree, okay?

 

The first overt move to gain a closer bond with you was to put on the charade of loudly arguing with his wife on the phone time and again when he's supposedly taking the phone into the other room to talk in private. He MEANT for you to hear him and feel the emotion in his voice when discoursing his dissatisfactions with wife to plant a seed in you of dissention between them and grow a weed of hope for a relationship with him based upon the compatability you felt throughout your ongoing "friendship". It also opened the door to invite you to develop a conspiritorial sense of secrecy between the two of you which fostered a "we" against "her" mentality to promote your competitive sense of superiority against her and develop a growing urge of loyalty for him. You bit that weak worm hook line and sinker, didn't you?

 

I'll bet when you discussed your problems with him he always gave you his rapt attention while demonstrating his command presence and most serious and authoritative demeanor to give you confidence and security in following his lead on resolving your issues, didn't he? It made you feel more sure of yourself and planted a second seed of thought that nurtured your musings about a possible future together with him, right?

 

I'm wouldn't even go into how lame his proposition to "make you orgasm through intercourse or he'd leave you alone" until you made a statement to the effect "maybe I should have just slept with him because, after all, we've done everything else".

Judas Priest..earth girls are easy!

 

His most recent attempt to overwhelm you with his ardor walking in the door was a strong-armed attempt at pushing you beyond your reasoning with a dominant force of will and MAKE YOU SUCCUMB to his advances without crossing the line of violence. A less mature man might not have had the self-control to stop himself before the situation evolved into an all out sexual assault. His desire for conquest is beginning to win the battle against his will to maintain control and that makes his determination far more treacherous because of his age and experience. Although he refrained from taking you the way he wanted, if he can manuever you into another compromising situation in the future, he won't make the mistake of allowing you a choice again. You don't see this sexual overture as particularly aggressive but, more romantic instead, don't you? The restraint he's shown in this instance has given you such a sense of security and confidence in your ability to control whatever situation he throws at you that you still don't believe that he'd really ever hurt or take advantage of you, do you?

 

You're fantasy schoolgirl desires to be kissed by him has allowed him to take enough liberties with your person that he feels somewhat entitled to fully consumate his conquest of you. Right now, he's frustrated to the point of incredulous that you've continued to resist him which makes his determination to completely have you all the more stronger. The question that begs though is, after that..what then? What is that voice in the back of your head really saying about him ever leaving his wife and family for you, hmmmmm?

 

Don't think for a moment that your nightmarish journey is over even if you take a hard stance on NC because "something wicked this way comes" and he has many more devious games to play! Keep your guard up because this could get ugly.

 

Still don't know what I'm talking about then here's a little ditty for you while you contemplate the thought... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc3f8L7Ruuk!

 

Well all this does seem to make sense. Really interesting hearing a guys point of view as well.

It is so hard trying to make yourself fall out of love with someone though but I dont feel as strongly about him now because he is not the man I thought he was.

It is really scarey to think if I let him in my room again he will not be able to stop himself trying to have me completely. I agree that he must be really frustrated that I have not allowed him to have intercourse with me yet even though he has tried many times. It would be terrible if he ended up sexually assulting me (although like its difficult to imagine him doing that) so I have decided if I hear from him again to either ignore him or have a talk & firmly tell him its over because of his behaviour.

But after he moved out of the house we shared I didnt hear a word from him for about 6 weeks (on his terms), I obviously cant contact him just in case he rejects me, is at work or with W&K.

Then he got in contact twice in 1 week (when he arranged to come over to see me that morning), and now nearly 3 weeks have passed & not a word since leaving that day even though he said he would call me a few days after.

So who knows when the next phone call is coming, if at all? Who does he think he is - promising he will call then not - leaving me hanging for weeks like Im just waiting for him. What an arrogant control freak!

Well if he does call again I really hope I can stick to my guns this time and end it for good before it turns nasty, I hope I will not fall for it if he tries to reel me in again.