xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Hey guys I want to thank you for all the advice & support you have given me over the last month, it really helped me through the dreadful time I was having when my MM cut me out of his life. For those of you who dont know the full story check out my previous post (absolutely in pieces over married man). Heres the latest... Well what do you know - I had a call out of the blue last week from MM after about 5 weeks of NC, I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. I was shocked/relieved/angry/excited when he spoke to me - he asked me if he could come over to mine (the house we once shared) for a chat on his way home (to his new place with the W&K) and I stupidly agreed cos I wanted answers to alot of things. He appeared with a box of chocolates & couldnt quite look me in the eye as he apologized for abandoning me when I was extremelly depressed about him. He said he thought NC for a while was for the best & that despite not hearing from him he was thinking of me (yeah right). More like he was too cowardly to face me in the hysterical state he had put me in. Anyway I stupidly ended up kissing him & saying I still really wanted him even though I know I should really dislike the guy for what hes put me through - Im afraid I just wasnt strong enough to say no. He arranged to come over last Fri really early in the morning on his way to work, I thought it was to talk further & perhaps kiss again - he jumped straight on me when he got in the door & very soon started unwrapping a condom while we were making out! (for those of you who dont know we did everything apart from have intercourse before) Even though my body was saying yes I said no as it didnt feel right - rushed, unromantic etc so I didnt let him. Once again we did everything else though & he left for work. When we talked on that Fri he said he does want to see me on a regular basis but wants to take it slow as thats the best way - even if we were both single people dating he said he would want to go slowly. With regards to leaving home for me..."not right now but taking it one day at a time, I dont make plans, who knows what the future holds?" He said seeing me for longer than a couple of hours at a time is risky as his wife has him on a "tight leash". So he is obviously trying to please her by keeping to that. So no chance of any nights away together & to even get a full day off to spend with me he said will be hard. He left saying he would call me Monday just gone...and guess what Im still sitting by the phone breaking my heart waiting for that call & feelling really low again. After all that has happened & I was still willing to forgive him how could have the audacity to not call when he says? Or even the day after. I hate all the waiting around & feeling distracted for his call & the severe emotional upset when he breaks yet another promise. It feels like he is completely in control of the situation as I cant call him for obvious reasons so I literally have to wait for him! Wheres my self respect?! Its like hes punishing me but I dont know why. Who knows when I will hear from him next?! He saw what it did to me before so why would he do this when he knows it will upset me & lead straight to an argument about why he has let me down again if/when he finally does call. And on Monday just gone I heard through mutual friends (who do not have a clue about the A) that he & his wife are really happy in their new house & are looking to buy an investment property in this area . He told me none of this, and it just reconfirms to me that I do not feature in his future plans. But oh I forgot - he "doesnt make plans". I know you guys will probably think Im just an idiot & I deserve all I get for letting him in my life after what he did to me before but I love him so much & was too weak to say no. I wanted to post on here again as Im feeling very low again -please dont judge me people. Advice/constructive criticism welcome.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 What has changed (at all???) from when you went NC with him in the first place five weeks ago? Has he left his wife? Has he taken any steps to end the marriage? Has he done ANYTHING other than the same thing(s) that he's always done? And yet he's still right back where he was before. You spent five weeks of misery, and got NOTHING for it. You're right back where you were too. The only thing that's changed from before is that he knows that he can walk all over you, treat you like crap, promise things and still not follow up on them at all.......and then show up on your door and pretty much jump your bones the minute he arrives. You've taught him that your boundaries, your feelings on this....are meaningless and nebulous. You've validated to him that he can continue on doing EXACTLY as he's been doing, and you'll still be right there for him to trot off to whenever his wife lets him off the leash long enough. I don't mean to be mean...but I'm trying to get you to see just what's been accomplished at the end of these five weeks.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I'm sorry but it seems all he wants to do is resume the A. Him pushing himself on you, and having sex with you so rushed proves this. He's addicted to how you make him feel, (selfish!!) meanwhile things are OK at home and he is happy. You DO need to get back into NC mode and try to stay strong so you won't cave to him anymore. This isn't about love anymore, this is about a man who STILL wants sex on the side with you and wants to stay married.
torranceshipman Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Wow, sweetie, the guy just wanted you back so he could have sex with you...he popped by for quick sex - I mean, making out, making it all rushed on his way to or from work, or whatever, and unwrapping a condom so he could have a quick roll in the hay and then leave immediately? That's horrible. He's just using you for sex and that's all you are to him - a quick hour or two here or there to get his rocks off. All the proof you need that things are good with his W is that their friends clearly see them happy together, and they've just looked into buying an investment property! She's the one he stands proudly by, announces to the world that shes on his arm, they go into investments together....you, on the other hand, are the woman he sneaks to see for sex. He is NEVER leaving her and he doesnt see you as relationship material. This is in NO way indicative of your worth...I am sure you are a lovely person, attractive, sweet, etc, and SO many guys would treat you really great...PLEASE don't settle for this. Maybe this is infatuation on your part but not love...maybe an addiction...but you cant love a guy who is this nasty who doesnt have any feelings for you. He is one horrible sad skanky loser - he is NOT WORTH IT. You deserve SO much better - please dump this skanky loser and go NC!!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 He said seeing me for longer than a couple of hours at a time is risky as his wife has him on a "tight leash". So he is obviously trying to please her by keeping to that. So no chance of any nights away together & to even get a full day off to spend with me he said will be hard. He left saying he would call me Monday just gone...and guess what Im still sitting by the phone breaking my heart waiting for that call & feelling really low again. I hate all the waiting around & feeling distracted for his call & the severe emotional upset when he breaks yet another promise. It feels like he is completely in control of the situation as I cant call him for obvious reasons so I literally have to wait for him! Wheres my self respect?! Its like hes punishing me but I dont know why. Who knows when I will hear from him next?! I wanted to post on here again as Im feeling very low again -please dont judge me people. Advice/constructive criticism welcome. Why do you even want this guy? What is there about him? You have not even consummated the R yet and you know he treats you bad and you let him. He is in control, because you have relinquished it all to him. Do not wait for this man. If he comes by your house, don't let him in. MAKE HIM RESPECT YOU by adhering to your wishes. You have to train him. If he doesn't call you when he says he will, YOU DO NOT PICK UP WHEN HE FINALLY CALLS. You wait over 24 (preferably 48) hours if you still want to be with this man and then you find time to squeeze a phone call into your busy schedule. MAKE your schedule busy. Show him you are not waiting around. Personally, this guy sounds like bad news. He just wants an A and he thinks he gets to call the shots. Show him otherwise. IMO, you should forget him. You haven't had sex with him and it doesn't seem like you've been together that long. Save yourself the heartache. GEL
wildsoul Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Can I ask a couple of questions? How did you feel in the 4th and 5th weeks of NC?How do you feel now?What struck me most about your story is that you said you thought by then you'd never hear from him. Then, he contacted you. It reminds me of something I've observed in my own past: The person who is more avoidant can go for loooong stretches of NC. For the one who is more love addicted, it's a stretch of agony. It's unbalanced and totally sucks. I bet you had to work so hard to get through the 5 weeks! Do you see this as a set back or not?
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Why do you even want this guy? What is there about him? You have not even consummated the R yet and you know he treats you bad and you let him. He is in control, because you have relinquished it all to him. Personally, this guy sounds like bad news. He just wants an A and he thinks he gets to call the shots. Show him otherwise. IMO, you should forget him. You haven't had sex with him and it doesn't seem like you've been together that long. Save yourself the heartache. GEL Well take a look at my previous post - you will see we actually ended up living together in a houseshare for a year & had an EA which lead to a PA when he told me he was leaving the house to move the W&K to the area so thats why Im so attached to the guy - he was really there for me, I idolised him & felt like I had lost my right arm when he moved out 6 weeks ago. Hes just turned into an ***hole since leaving. I didnt have full sex with him as I felt too guilty & also thought there would be more chance of him leaving home for me (he may always wonder what it would be like with me) although looking back I may as well have just done it, I mean we did everything else. He also made me feel pressured - he used to go on about how he has managed to make all of his previous women reach climax & said if he couldnt make me climax from intercourse alone he would assume we were not compatible & end the A! I agree when you say I need to take control & ignore his calls but its sooo hard when I feel this way. I will try to take this advice though, I mean why should I sit by the phone waiting/hoping for his call? putting my life on hold for him when hes probably not even thinking of me.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Can I ask a couple of questions? How did you feel in the 4th and 5th weeks of NC?How do you feel now?What struck me most about your story is that you said you thought by then you'd never hear from him. Then, he contacted you. It reminds me of something I've observed in my own past: The person who is more avoidant can go for loooong stretches of NC. For the one who is more love addicted, it's a stretch of agony. It's unbalanced and totally sucks. I bet you had to work so hard to get through the 5 weeks! Do you see this as a set back or not? NC felt absolutely terrible - I came very close to a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago & almost lost my job. Those 5 weeks were very hard. Im no better off now - in fact its worse as he is in control - I dont know when the next call is coming. If he sees no future with me I wish he could have just said so then allowed me to move on with my life - now hes contacted me its delaying my healing process.
Terminator Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 NC felt absolutely terrible - I came very close to a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago & almost lost my job. Those 5 weeks were very hard. Im no better off now - in fact its worse as he is in control - I dont know when the next call is coming. If he sees no future with me I wish he could have just said so then allowed me to move on with my life - now hes contacted me its delaying my healing process. Take back control, it's your life that's important not whether he's getting his nookie on the side at your expense. Repeat after me, the guy is no good, the guy is married. What's he going to do? Nothing he can do now he's moved the W&K here and he's STILL deceiving her. You however can do whatever you set your mind to. Where is he going to go now? Nowhere by the sounds of it, he's stuck right where he is. You, however can go anywhere you please. Please please please do NOT let this man suck you back in, he's not the man you think he is, but I think deep down you know that. Repeat after me, I deserve MORE than he can EVER offer. and good luck with your resolve to do better
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 All the proof you need that things are good with his W is that their friends clearly see them happy together, and they've just looked into buying an investment property! She's the one he stands proudly by, announces to the world that shes on his arm, they go into investments together....you, on the other hand, are the woman he sneaks to see for sex. He is NEVER leaving her and he doesnt see you as relationship material. That is completely fake that they looked happy together, I think he may have cheated in the past as well due to a practiced pattern of behaviour when he tried to seduce me. When we lived together in the houseshare I used to hear them on the phone, sometimes arguing & he would complain that she was paranoid & possessive. He also told me he didnt love her anymore. My friends said that when they saw them it was the wife who was really friendly & gave all the information about how she liked the new area & the investment property, he on the other hand was apparently very reserved & miserable looking, let her do the taking then kept looking at his watch & hurried her away saying 'lets get a move on then to look at this flat'. Very strange. But you are right - at the end of the day he goes home to her, has 4 children with her, sleeps with her & probably still has sex with her. He just sees me as a plaything - does not care about my feelings or take me seriously
beautifullove Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 If you read my posts, you will see that dating a married man, regardless of whether he is seperated or not, is a high risk. If you are not prepared to be hurt, then let go. After NC, nothing has changed. P.S. if he was happy with his W then he wouldn't be running to you. But that is besides the point, do NC.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 If you read my posts, you will see that dating a married man, regardless of whether he is seperated or not, is a high risk. If you are not prepared to be hurt, then let go. After NC, nothing has changed. P.S. if he was happy with his W then he wouldn't be running to you. But that is besides the point, do NC. I dont feel I can cope with the pain any longer so I think Im going to have to let go, it is hard though as I love him despite the fact hes turned out to be an awful liar. But the more you hurt over someone the more you feel you love them - thats what I find (like wanting what you cant have).
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I idolised him & felt like I had lost my right arm when he moved out 6 weeks ago. Hes just turned into an ***hole since leaving. I didnt have full sex with him as I felt too guilty & also thought there would be more chance of him leaving home for me (he may always wonder what it would be like with me) although looking back I may as well have just done it, I mean we did everything else. He also made me feel pressured - he used to go on about how he has managed to make all of his previous women reach climax & said if he couldnt make me climax from intercourse alone he would assume we were not compatible & end the A! . Why do you idolize him? I don't remember your age, but you sound young. Young people often idolize people for the wrong reasons and don't realize this untill they are older and wiser. This man sounds abusive to me. The whole line about ending the A if he can't make you climax (for the record, all those other women might have been faking it)? What the heck is that all about? He already treats his wife like crap and it sounds like if you don't give him what he wants, he'll treat you like crap to. You sound like you might have low self esteem. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor? Sorry if this was already addressed. I didn't have time to read the other post. Good luck.
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I dont feel I can cope with the pain any longer so I think Im going to have to let go, it is hard though as I love him despite the fact hes turned out to be an awful liar. But the more you hurt over someone the more you feel you love them - thats what I find (like wanting what you cant have). This isn't love. This is fear of loss. Do you have a supportive social network that you can hang with to keep away from him?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Well take a look at my previous post - you will see we actually ended up living together in a houseshare for a year & had an EA which lead to a PA when he told me he was leaving the house to move the W&K to the area so thats why Im so attached to the guy - he was really there for me, I idolised him & felt like I had lost my right arm when he moved out 6 weeks ago. Hes just turned into an ***hole since leaving. I didnt have full sex with him as I felt too guilty & also thought there would be more chance of him leaving home for me (he may always wonder what it would be like with me) although looking back I may as well have just done it, I mean we did everything else. He also made me feel pressured - he used to go on about how he has managed to make all of his previous women reach climax & said if he couldnt make me climax from intercourse alone he would assume we were not compatible & end the A! I didn't see a previous post; you must mean another thread. I didn't read it, I went from what you said here which was that you didn't have full sex. So you have had sexual intercourse? Or everything but? I'll have to go over and read it because I'm not sure what a houseshare is? Roommates? Interesting to note you idolized him. That doesn't make for a balanced R. I will tell you this. He'll keep you on the side as long as you'll let him because he likes that ego stroke and feeling "idolized." Sorry you're hurting but this one sounds like he has a looonnnggg way before he'd even consider leaving, if ever. He has things the way he likes them.
torranceshipman Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Lol Angie you quoted me there, but I didnt say that!!! That was someone else! Now I've heard everything - he also threatened to end the A because he wasnt able to make you climax?! Jeez, the guy is too much - damaged goods in fact! What a loser! Seriously you are scraping the bottom of the barrel withthis one!!
Terminator Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Lol Angie you quoted me there, but I didnt say that!!! That was someone else! Now I've heard everything - he also threatened to end the A because he wasnt able to make you climax?! Jeez, the guy is too much - damaged goods in fact! What a loser! Seriously you are scraping the bottom of the barrel withthis one!! No, I think the jerk was trying to intimate that if he couldn't make her climax from intercourse alone he would end it. This translates to "I am not going to waste my time on foreplay" LMAO You're right, what a loser
wildsoul Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 No, I think the jerk was trying to intimate that if he couldn't make her climax from intercourse alone he would end it. This translates to "I am not going to waste my time on foreplay" LMAO You're right, what a loser Totally. And while he is making it seem like her climaxing is "his job," you know damn well that if she can't orgasm he's going to blame her. Oh, and then abandon her. Nice. Great way to ruin a girl's ability to come for years to come. The sex therapy bills after that would be astronomical.
stillafool Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I didnt have full sex with him as I felt too guilty & also thought there would be more chance of him leaving home for me (he may always wonder what it would be like with me) although looking back I may as well have just done it, I mean we did everything else. He also made me feel pressured - he used to go on about how he has managed to make all of his previous women reach climax & said if he couldnt make me climax from intercourse alone he would assume we were not compatible & end the A! He needed this to feed his own ego. This guy probably knows he is inferior in bed and so does his wife. He wants you to hollow and scream to make him feel like a stud. What a loser. As far as what your friends say about he and his wife: Well, they are your friends so they don't want to say things to hurt you. You just have to look at his actions to know how he really feels about you.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Totally. And while he is making it seem like her climaxing is "his job," you know damn well that if she can't orgasm he's going to blame her. Oh, and then abandon her. Nice. Great way to ruin a girl's ability to come for years to come. The sex therapy bills after that would be astronomical. And before we got intimate he used to keep incinuating he had a very large penis! And even now Ive seen it he said it gets bigger still during intercourse!
wildsoul Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 And before we got intimate he used to keep incinuating he had a very large penis! And even now Ive seen it he said it gets bigger still during intercourse! He has the nerve to tell you that what you see with your own eyes isn't true? Now please tell me that your sense of humor is giving you giggle fits over that one. C'mon girl... I don't care how heartbroken you are. That is comedy gold!
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Lol Angie you quoted me there, but I didnt say that!!! That was someone else!! Oops! Sorry about that.
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 xxxheartbrokenxxx, I think this situation is maybe pointing to something in you that needs to be fixed. You idolized a 50(close to 50?) year old man who's cheating on his wife and kids and sounds like a creepy, egotistical jerk. Why? Not everyone will fall for this kind of man. I've noticed that woman with a certain background or bad self-esteem are more likely to get involved with these kind of jerks. I think it might help you to just focus on yourself, maybe get some therapy, and try to see what's going on. Do you really want to end up with someone, from what I can tell so far, is an abusive jerk who will manipulate you and make you feel like crap if you don't constantly stroke his ego? If I may ask, how old are his kids?
Terminator Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 heart, fess up now - wouldn't you MUCH rather be with some wild young stud whose only thought is how much pleasure he can give YOU?
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