Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I just wanna say that I have never posted on anything like this before. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend, we tell each other everything. Lately he has been kind of distant and only really shows me affection in spurts. I tell myself that this doesnt really matter, but I am unsure of what to think. He makes me very happy and I love him with all my heart and I have never thought of being with another man until a few weeks ago. I just relised that I find a co-worker very interesting. I dont see much of this person but we talk daily (as co-workers - he is one of my team members, yet he works in a different building). I find him attractive not for his appearance but his personality, intelect and the way he talks to me like my opinion matters. I am developing feelings for this individual that make me feel like if I were to end up in a sitution with him I would not be able to control my feelings. He has made comments to me like "I think you are amazing and if you were not already spoken for, I would probably ask you to marry me" and even find myself talking to him, about work outside of work just to be able to talk to him. I dont know what I am supposed to do.
Spectre Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 There is something hypocritical about your post. You claim you love your boyfriend with all your heart, but then the next paragraph you are saying you have feelings for another man, and couldn't control yourself if left alone with him? Sorry honey, that's not love. Now you've put yourself in an awkward position, because you can't go no contact with the other guy because you work with him. So now if say your boyfriend were to find out, he can't very well ask you to quit your job just to stay away from this guy. Soo, my advice is to try to stay as far away from this guy as possible, and also tell your boyfriend how you've been feeling not just about the relationship but the other man as well. You are still emotionally cheating on him, and he deserves to know the woman he loves does not love him as much in return. Yes, I'm sure you will say you do love him, but yet here you are posting in a cheating forum about wanting to cheat.
nopainnogain Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I agree with the homey spectre. You need to be up front with you b/f. So the grass is greener eh?
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I do love him. we have been together for 6 years and he is everything to me. I dont believe I would be having these feelings if he kept me happy at home. I have communicated this to him on several occasions (which is why I get it is spurts) He gets comfortable and stops.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Please talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling neglected. One thing, you have to learn to be happy and OK without having him supply you attention 24/7. You need to do things on your own, visit friends, go out, watch tv, have time for you, and know that is OK for each of you and not read into it. To expect your boyfriend to shower you all the time with conversation, attention all the time is alot of pressure on him. Anyway, talk to him! DO NOT cheat on him, he does NOT deserve that. That's just selfish and cruel of you to go outside of the relationship and choose not to really fix this. I mean, why not take it a step further and TELL your bf that there is another guy who is starting to look good to you, that you're tempted. See his reaction.
Spectre Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I do love him. we have been together for 6 years and he is everything to me. I dont believe I would be having these feelings if he kept me happy at home. It really doesn't change the fact that if you truly loved him, you wouldn't be posting about the fact you're thinking about cheating on him. There are couples where one of them's job forces them to be away for months at a time, and they stay strong and do not cheat. Obviously during this time the man or woman is not able to keep their partner happy at home, yet they do not stray if the love is real. Again, your actions speak louder than words. You say you love him, yet here you are posting about wanting to cheat. I have communicated this to him on several occasions (which is why I get it is spurts) He gets comfortable and stops. So, you have told him you have thought about sleeping with a co-worker? Really? If he doesn't seem to care about that, I'd be worried he is the one cheating.
twice_shy Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I just wanna say that I have never posted on anything like this before. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend, we tell each other everything. Lately he has been kind of distant and only really shows me affection in spurts. I tell myself that this doesnt really matter, but I am unsure of what to think. He makes me very happy and I love him with all my heart and I have never thought of being with another man until a few weeks ago. I just relised that I find a co-worker very interesting. I dont see much of this person but we talk daily (as co-workers - he is one of my team members, yet he works in a different building). I find him attractive not for his appearance but his personality, intelect and the way he talks to me like my opinion matters. I am developing feelings for this individual that make me feel like if I were to end up in a sitution with him I would not be able to control my feelings. He has made comments to me like "I think you are amazing and if you were not already spoken for, I would probably ask you to marry me" and even find myself talking to him, about work outside of work just to be able to talk to him. I dont know what I am supposed to do. Break up with your boyfriend. You are already engaging in emotional cheating. And that line about the other guy saying "if you were not already spoken for", thats priceless. Oh he's good, real good.
twice_shy Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I agree with the homey spectre. You need to be up front with you b/f. So the grass is greener eh? The grass is always going to be greener with people like this. And people like that shouldn't make commitments. It isn't fair to the person they are stringing along.
twice_shy Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I do love him. we have been together for 6 years and he is everything to me. I dont believe I would be having these feelings if he kept me happy at home. Ah, so your wanting to stray is his fault eh? You have the 7 year itch one year early. Got a newsflash for ya. You have been with him for 6 years and it is getting routine and boring being with the same person for too long for you. Along comes a new guy and you want him because it is new and exciting. Of course he talks to you on a level you like. He hasn't been with you for 6 years. I have communicated this to him on several occasions (which is why I get it is spurts) He gets comfortable and stops. And why do you think that is? Maybe you aren't keeping him happy at home?
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 This is exactly why I was hesitant about posting on here. I have done nothing wrong. WILL do nothing wrong. Like I said, I do not see this person at work. When I do it is once every 3 months in meetings. I dont plan to meet up with him outside of work and I am NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend. I love him very much. We have gone through some pretty rough patches in our relationship and I am still here. I know I cannot expect him to shower me with affection 24/7 but outside of us having sex (once a week) he doesnt touch me. I initiate everything. He is a great man, but very selfish. I dont want to feel this way because I love him dearly, I want to tell him about my feelings, not only about this other guy but also how I feel neglected. I just dont know where to start. No I am not having a EA with this other guy because I dont think about him at all when I am with my BF. I dont talk to him about anything other than work. When I talk to him about my personal life (just in conversation) I paint a picture like nothing is wrong. I dont want to be pursued by this man, or any other so I dont talk about problems or anything of that nature. I have seen in instances like that, the man tries to "comfort" the woman.
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Ah, so your wanting to stray is his fault eh? And why do you think that is? Maybe you aren't keeping him happy at home? He has told me that I keep him very happy, he just doesnt know how to do for me what I do for him. He goes on to tell me that he doesnt deserve me and everything of that nature.
hotpinklove85 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I know how you feel about the whole affection thing. My boyfriend of 4 yrs doesnt show me any affection, simply because he doesnt know how. My advise is that if you love him, dont do it! Tell your him how you feel. Dont put your self in a situation that you might make a decision you will regret. I am sorry I cant be of much help, since I myself havent figured out how to fix my own relationship. GOOD LUCK!
georgejungle Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 communication is Key. If you're not getting what you want at home, communicate it. If you can't meet together and compromise, then things need to change or end. That dude at the office already saying he'd "marry you" if you weren't already taken is definitely a good line. What a way to REALLY reel you in with the flirting. He has balls, ha!
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 well, you guys have fully accomplished by making me feel like s***. I dont know how to go about telling him this. I know its going to make him upset and probably not be able to trust me when I go to work everyday. And the worse part of all is that I have been working with this man for about 3 years, and I know alot of things about him and I dont think that he is even interested in me, not that I want him to be, but I have started all of this because I found something "interesting" in him. Its not his fault. Its all mine. I am just going to have to stop any unnecassary contact with him. about 3 yrs ago my boyfriend and I went through a rough patch where he cheated on me and I left. He promised me that he would do better, and help me work on our relationship. I even wanted to marry him before that and he said he was ready to get married. Here we are 3 yrs later and in the situation that we are in now. I dont know if this has anything to do with why I feel the way I do, I just wanted to give you a little background.
troubadour Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 You have not done anything wrong so do not kick yourself and do not let others to do it to you. It is absolutely normat that you feel attracted to other people... you have been in a long term relationship with your boyfriend which does not seem to completely fullfil your E & P needs so you should not be suprised that you feel this way about the other man. If you want to stay in your current relationship with your boyfriend than just focus on him and do not think about your co-worker. Day-dreaming is a very, very dangerous thing. Do not tell you boyfriend about it... it would only create unnecessary problems in your relationship... after all you have not done anything wrong and you seem to display a lot of self control. Good luck.
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thank you for your understanding. Yes I want to be with him, I just wish he was more loving with me. I cant remember the last time he even told me he loved me. I dont think I would ever cheat on him with this guy. I think its just that he makes me feel important, and thats something that I feel I is lacking in my relationship. And I feel like we are going to be 7 yrs into this relationship still "boyfriend/girlfriend"
Walk Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I agree. You haven't done anything wrong. You've recognized a serious issue, and a dangerous situations. I don't think talking to your bf is going to help long term. It seems to me that your bf isn't willing to put in the effort to help you feel more satisfied with the relationship. Its easy to say "I don't know how", but when you've got a woman who communicates as clearly as you do then there's no excuse for not knowing something. He knows. He's either being lazy because he knows you'll never go any where, or he's so entrentched in his habits that no amount of talking will change it. I was with a guy for 9 years who was like this. Couldn't even get him to hold my hand in public even though I'd told him a billion times how it helped show me I was special to him. It wasn't that he didn't understand how, or why it made me feel special. He did. He just didn't like to hold hands in public so he didn't. just one of a billion examples) Anyway... I never did find a good way to effectively show my ex how detrimental his inaction was to the relationship. I talked until I was blue in the face and it didn't change anything for very long. The only time my ex showed a strong desire to change was after I broke up with him. The rest of the time he'd say he would but never made an effort to. I'd say about the only way you might get what you really want from this relationship is if you take each instance and push your bf to give you what you want. Doesn't make for a very romantic relationship though. But if you want to cuddle, then flat out tell him "I want to cuddle with you right now". Or, "tell me you love me". Give him very specific moments and very specific actions that mean something to you, and eventually he'll either get tired of putting in the effort or he'll figure out that what you're asking are things that make you feel special and he'll offer them more and more frequently without you asking all the time.
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I'd say about the only way you might get what you really want from this relationship is if you take each instance and push your bf to give you what you want. Doesn't make for a very romantic relationship though. But if you want to cuddle, then flat out tell him "I want to cuddle with you right now". Or, "tell me you love me". Give him very specific moments and very specific actions that mean something to you, and eventually he'll either get tired of putting in the effort or he'll figure out that what you're asking are things that make you feel special and he'll offer them more and more frequently without you asking all the time. I have tried this. I will say things like "hug me" or "hold me" or "hold my hand" and he gets frustrated with that. I just cant understand why if these are things that I need to be happy in our relationship, he cant seem to do them for me.
A.G.Doren Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 This is exactly why I was hesitant about posting on here. I have done nothing wrong. WILL do nothing wrong. Like I said, I do not see this person at work. When I do it is once every 3 months in meetings. I dont plan to meet up with him outside of work and I am NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend. I love him very much. We have gone through some pretty rough patches in our relationship and I am still here. I know I cannot expect him to shower me with affection 24/7 but outside of us having sex (once a week) he doesnt touch me. I initiate everything. He is a great man, but very selfish. I dont want to feel this way because I love him dearly, I want to tell him about my feelings, not only about this other guy but also how I feel neglected. I just dont know where to start. No I am not having a EA with this other guy because I dont think about him at all when I am with my BF. I dont talk to him about anything other than work. When I talk to him about my personal life (just in conversation) I paint a picture like nothing is wrong. I dont want to be pursued by this man, or any other so I dont talk about problems or anything of that nature. I have seen in instances like that, the man tries to "comfort" the woman. Your bf needs to learn how to show you affection. I suggest counciling. Not cause you guys are crazy, but because a councilor can help him to do that. Otherwise your relationship will fall apart.
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I dont think that he would go for counsiling. I know that it would be a good idea, I will talk to him about it because I dont think that he thinks it is that bad of a problem.
Walk Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I have tried this. I will say things like "hug me" or "hold me" or "hold my hand" and he gets frustrated with that. I just cant understand why if these are things that I need to be happy in our relationship, he cant seem to do them for me. He gets frustrated? That's weird. Have you asked him why he gets upset when you ask for those things, and what did he say (if you asked)? Geesh... the only reason I can think of for why a guy would balk at a flat out request is if he doesn't want to create that intimacy with you. How often do you two have sex? Often, hardly, never? How does he behave during sex... like, is he caring compassionate loving... or more of a 'get 'er done' type? I'm still shocked he gets frustrated when you ask for something simple like holding your hand.
Amiss Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Sounds like your relationship is over. You obviously feel frustrated that you are still "only" dating after 6 years , he has cheated on you in the past and you are trying to find a way out by almost falling for your co-worker. If your boyfriend has a problem expresing love towards you , why is it only a issue now? Are you sure you want to be with him anymore?
Author Lost_and_confused99 Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 Sounds like your relationship is over. You obviously feel frustrated that you are still "only" dating after 6 years , he has cheated on you in the past and you are trying to find a way out by almost falling for your co-worker. If your boyfriend has a problem expresing love towards you , why is it only a issue now? Are you sure you want to be with him anymore? Thats what some people tell me, but I cant let it be over, not after everything that i have been through with this man. I refuse to give up so easily. I talked to him the other night about how he makes me feel, He said that he would work on showing me more affection, He hasnt always been this way and I dont know what happened to make him the way he is. He are not as intimate as often as we used to be, but when we are, thats the only time I get the affection that i need and it is so amazing and he will hold me afterwards but other than that, nothing.
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Ask to do couples counselling with you so you two can get your relationship back on track. If he is unwilling to make the effort and try to pay more attention to you, bring more intimacy back in, then you have to decide if that's enough for you. Though I doubt it because everytime you start feeling him become distant from you, you might look elsewhere to get that intimacy and attention..And that's not something you should do while in a relationship already. Anyway, talk to him, hopefully he'll realize how this is affecting you.
twice_shy Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 He has told me that I keep him very happy, he just doesnt know how to do for me what I do for him. He goes on to tell me that he doesnt deserve me and everything of that nature. So you do think your wanting to cheat is his fault then. I see nothing but justification here.
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