mma_j Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Long story short, my ex and I broke up when she returned from a European vacation. I initiated it, but she said she was going to do it before she left for grad school. Here are the chain of events from last week: Tue: she came back home. Wed: something felt weird, couldn't put a handle on it. We did have sex though. Thur morning 5am: I broke up with her. Then she confirmed she would have broken up with me. We kind of laughed about it, but it was a relief to get this off my chest Fri: I felt kind of weird all day, but this was natural Sat: Woke up, found something disturbing down there, and asked to be taken to the doctor. Found out I had an STD?! WTF! Ex and I had a serious talk. I asked her if anything happened. The timing was too perfect for this. She said no. Like an idiot, I believed her. Sun: Numb Mon: Numb, but things were looking better. Tue (Yesterday): We agreed to be cordial and spend the rest of the two weeks together happily. Since I was supposed to drive her to Chicago in a week, I decided that it would be best to at least keep up a good mood. I had my suspicions of her in Europe, especially since she went with a guy, but I felt pretty secure. I knew things were different, though, when she returned. I can't explain it, but I woke up one night with an ominous feeling that something happened. I just left it at that. I guess we had that sort of connection after 10 years. We we airing out our feelings (we still live in the same apt until she moves in two weeks), so I was letting her rip into me about what I did wrong as a bf. I agreed with a lot of what she said and realized that I needed to grow more as a person, too. Well, I went back to my room and just happened to look at her laptop. I noticed a chatlog with her friend and noticed my name. I got curious and looked more into it. She admitted that it was out of her character, but she got swept up in the moment and cheated on me. She doesn't know what to do at this point. I got so angry. I asked her into the room, but didn't tell her I saw the chat log. I told her that I felt something was weird and flat out asked "Did you cheat on me?" I confronted her about the timing, but never let on that I saw her chat logs. She still denied it. Wed: Today, I am so completely angry and devasted, I can't even think straight. I want to kick her to the curb, expose all of this to her family, and post up compromising pictures. I was thinking about even making one final video before dumping it in her face. Not sure what to do at this point. Maybe I need a PTO day. I want to confront her, but I don't want to do it in this emotional state. We had a vacation planned (no way jose now!) and she's got a b-day party on Friday with all of our mutual friends. Her family is throwing her a party on Monday, and her birthday is Wed. Not really sure what to do at this point. I am in such a rage, but I know that confronting this will help me get over it faster. What should I do?! I can't even focus on work!
northstar1 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Long story short, my ex and I broke up when she returned from a European vacation. I initiated it, but she said she was going to do it before she left for grad school. Here are the chain of events from last week: Tue: she came back home. Wed: something felt weird, couldn't put a handle on it. We did have sex though. Thur morning 5am: I broke up with her. Then she confirmed she would have broken up with me. We kind of laughed about it, but it was a relief to get this off my chest Fri: I felt kind of weird all day, but this was natural Sat: Woke up, found something disturbing down there, and asked to be taken to the doctor. Found out I had an STD?! WTF! Ex and I had a serious talk. I asked her if anything happened. The timing was too perfect for this. She said no. Like an idiot, I believed her. Sun: Numb Mon: Numb, but things were looking better. Tue (Yesterday): We agreed to be cordial and spend the rest of the two weeks together happily. Since I was supposed to drive her to Chicago in a week, I decided that it would be best to at least keep up a good mood. I had my suspicions of her in Europe, especially since she went with a guy, but I felt pretty secure. I knew things were different, though, when she returned. I can't explain it, but I woke up one night with an ominous feeling that something happened. I just left it at that. I guess we had that sort of connection after 10 years. We we airing out our feelings (we still live in the same apt until she moves in two weeks), so I was letting her rip into me about what I did wrong as a bf. I agreed with a lot of what she said and realized that I needed to grow more as a person, too. Well, I went back to my room and just happened to look at her laptop. I noticed a chatlog with her friend and noticed my name. I got curious and looked more into it. She admitted that it was out of her character, but she got swept up in the moment and cheated on me. She doesn't know what to do at this point. I got so angry. I asked her into the room, but didn't tell her I saw the chat log. I told her that I felt something was weird and flat out asked "Did you cheat on me?" I confronted her about the timing, but never let on that I saw her chat logs. She still denied it. Wed: Today, I am so completely angry and devasted, I can't even think straight. I want to kick her to the curb, expose all of this to her family, and post up compromising pictures. I was thinking about even making one final video before dumping it in her face. Not sure what to do at this point. Maybe I need a PTO day. I want to confront her, but I don't want to do it in this emotional state. We had a vacation planned (no way jose now!) and she's got a b-day party on Friday with all of our mutual friends. Her family is throwing her a party on Monday, and her birthday is Wed. Not really sure what to do at this point. I am in such a rage, but I know that confronting this will help me get over it faster. What should I do?! I can't even focus on work! Im so sorry to hear all of that - that's a rough thing to go through, even as you were planning to wind things down between you. However, don't do anything hasty, you'll regret. Don't post anything of her online etc. Or go for revenge. Do you have a buddy you can go stay with for a few days? Get a break and get outta that situation for a bit to calm down?
critter909 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Don't do anything you will regret. I have never done this to anyone but I have a feeling that being revengeful will only help you temporarily and later you may feel very guilty about it. Just let her go. Do you have to drive her to Chicago? It doesn't sound like a good idea. I don't think you should go to her parties either. Just tell her that you know she violated your trust, the relationship is over and you do not feel that it is appropriate to go with her to these social events. She can't possibly expect that from you. She should go stay with her parents until she leaves. Leave it up to her to figure out what to tell them, that's her problem. Try to maintain your dignity, I have a feeling she will fess up to all this sooner or later, she must be feeling guilty as hell already, and now she is lying too. Hang tough, kick her out and go NC, you will be happier with that later than quick revenge right now.
Lyssa Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I agree with the above posters. Don't do anything that you'd regret. I'd be mad as hell if this happened to me - she jeapordised your health but I don't think revenge is the way to go. I'm sorry for what you're going through right now...
Author mma_j Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I think I'm going to ask my friend if I can crash at his place for a bit. I can easily pay for a hotel for a few nights, or even a week. But I don't want to let her catch onto this yet. She has a birthday party on Friday, but I don't think I should be there. In fact, I'm going to try not to be there and do my best to be civil about the entire thing. I know it will come up eventually to my friends, and I will probably need some support to get over it. I thought I wasn't over her, but wow, how that changes quick!
Author mma_j Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 You're all right. I guess I have to confront her about it sooner than later. I don't want to bring it up at the party, etc. I will probably think about what to do soon. I am def. not driving to Chicago with her. I will def. be cancelling my part of the trip to Trinidad (She can still go with her school). I just need to figure out how to control my emotions. I will probably ask to go home early... I wonder what to do about her party though. I want to be the bigger man and show up so she doesn't have to field all of those questions. Her friends will def. be on my side, but there's no point in having a party where she's getting harped on for the entire time... Decisions... Is drinking appropriate now?
JaneInVegas Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 It has been my personal experience (although I certainly could be wrong) that it's waaaaay too soon to be experiencing symptoms from an STD. I believe the incubation for most is *at least* a full month. I skimmed through the rest of your post (sorry) so I don't know whether you addressed this issue towards the end or not ... but I feel pretty confidant you don't have much to worry about in that aspect. I hope everything works out exactly the way you want it to.
nopainnogain Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Do not go for revenge at all. You best revenge is a well lived ,successful ,peace of mind life!
dfreeman Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Dude, you are not tempted to ruin her life - you are tempted to ruin your own and let her off the hook! In his book, SC talks about seeing yourself at your own funeral and thinking about the things people will say about you. While it might be a little tough to live your whole life that way, in situations like yours (having mutual friends and all), it might do you some good to look one year down the road...do you want your friends to be talking about how you let the little tramp bring you to petty and spiteful behavior? My situation was not as bad as yours (nagging and controlling, but no cheating), but some really cool people on this forum convinced me to take a much healthier path away from her. My life is so much better having let go of all the mean s#1t I wanted to do/say to my ex. I chose to walk like a man (through a ton of forced contact I might add) and now just 7 months later, I feel like one. If you treat her like dirt right now, you will feel like dirt later. You can't really change all of the other pain you have to go through during a breakup, but you can control being spiteful and letting someone get the better of you. IMHO, you are lucky to have come here first - so many have come on here after they have already done something stupid and the regret is so deep that it seems that some of them never get back on track. Sorry for your pain and I hope things get better in your life, dfree
Author mma_j Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks to everybody for their posts. I appreciate it so much. JaneInVegas: I get tested yearly. Nothing. Then this! The doctor told me I should have a long talk with her. nopainnogain/dfreeman: true. However, I need to get this off my chest and just let her go. It's the easiest thing for me to do so I can move on. The timing, though, is off because of her party on Friday. I do not need to expose everything to all of our friends. However, if I don't show up, I'm sure a lot of questions will be asked. The last thing I'd want is for her to get harped on by all of our mutual friends for what she did. Just not sure if I can control myself. Thank you all, this is probably the most difficult day of my life.
serendip Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Dude, Don't show up...you won't be able to control your anger especially after you found out she cheated on you and might have given you a STD to boot. As much as you think you can control it...the hurt will come and you might do something you regret at the party. Best to avoid and deal with mutual friends at a later time.
Author mma_j Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 You're probably right, serendip. I'm not sure how to even control myself NOW, let alone in front of everyone. I think that the best thing to do at this point is confront her about it with evidence, but then be rational about it. Make the split go as quickly as possible.
justaman99 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I would confront her. Tell her you know she cheated on you, tell her you know she gave you an STD and kick her ass out. Don't go revenge mode, don't do the video thing. It makes you feel like **** later and immature as a person. Don't contact the family with bitterness and anger. It just makes you look bad. -Just
borelandkaren Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I am in such a rage, . What should I do?! I can't even focus on work! Well, I'd say calming the f@ck down to start with would be an important thing! OK. What you will achieve by making videos or anything else incriminating, is a lawsuit and nothing else. I know what she did is both hurtful and despicable but the reality now, is, what can you do but move on and start getting things sorted. First stop: doctors office. Organise. You have your whole future to get sorted and the only thing you'll sort by doing anything silly, is a whole world of legal **** you don't need. Maintain your dignity at all costs. The only thing you achieve by exposing her to everyone is that in the end, you look like the neurotic one. Is this what you're after, on top of the STD? I don't think so. I'd make her make her own way to wherever it is that she is going. As soon as **** like this happens, all bets are off. Stop looking at her chatlogs. You've found out what you needed to, so don't arouse any suspicion. Get her out of your life, the problem cleared up (if it's an easy one) and move onwards and upwards. You've got your whole life in front of you, without a cheater. You just dodged a big, fat, red bullet. Run for your life and be thankful. You could haave been married and had kids. You just got a life.
Author mma_j Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks everybody. So here's what I ended up doing. Last night, I went home, and pretended everything was good. I allowed her to have her space and go out with friends while I went out to bars with my buddies. When I got home, we sat down and watched TV. I was gathering up the courage to tell her but realized it wasn't the right time. There was too much stuff of hers at the apartment and stuff we both owned, so it would not be an even split. Besides, I was going to work the next day and I def. did not want any of my stuff being damaged, etc. So I slept through the night next to her (one last time...) and did my best to get a good sleep. I couldn't really sleep so around 5am I sat up and started using my laptop. I ended up typing and moving around a lot so that she woke up slowly as well. Once she woke up, I said "we need to talk." She opened her eyes and asked what about. I reminded her of what had happened over the course of the week. I also told her that I knew... I asked why she had lied. She didn't lie this time and instead, got defensive and said "well, 8 months ago you said I could have one freebie!" I told her that I did remember saying something to that effect, but was that really reasonable to believe? She kept saying "well, you said this, you said that." I asked her to stop. I told her she had no idea how much she hurt me. I went off about how painful it was, and that if she didn't think it was cheating, why did she tell her friend she cheated? She had no answer. I then said how angry I was about the entire situation, screamed at her for being a cheater, and how I could do this or that. After the mild blow up, I told her that I was sorry for my behavior, I just needed to release. I then looked at her and asked her to leave for the evening. "Please don't be home when I get back tonight." I told her that she could move her belongings slowly, so as to keep her time table, but that I did not want to see her tonight. On Friday, at her party, I would show up and allow her to save face. I also promised her that nobody else had to know about this, and while I was angry and betrayed, this is our business. I also made sure to not shut the door completely by saying I could perhaps forgive her in the future, but def. not now. Ironically, I had to ask her to take me to work because the taxi didn't show up to take me. On the drive over, it was strange. I told her all of her good qualities and finished off by saying how beautiful she was. She started crying and kept saying "Sorry, this is isn't how I wanted it to end. I love you, sorry!" I just kept my cool. When I reached my office, I looked at her one more time, touched her chin and told her that I'm sad she wasn't the one, but she's a wonderful person. She started crying again, so I left. We still need to see each other a few more times to separate out our belongings, but she will no longer be at my apt. Now, I'm at the office and I can't believe what just happened. I feel relieved, but I'm also in shock. My heart feels like it were ripped from my chest and I have a void that can't be explained... I'm not sure what to do with the next few months, and this will seriously derail my grad school application process as I'm not sure how I can study with this type of pain...
Katherineos123 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Kudos to you my friend. You have done the right thing, as difficult as it was. I think that you handled this rather terrible situation with tact and respect, and I think that many people in the same situation would not have done so. I cant even imagine the feelings of betrayal you must be having right, but I think you should try and find solace in the fact that you are obviously a decent man who, unfair as it may be, fell in love with the wrong girl.
Author mma_j Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Kudos to you my friend. You have done the right thing, as difficult as it was. I think that you handled this rather terrible situation with tact and respect, and I think that many people in the same situation would not have done so. I cant even imagine the feelings of betrayal you must be having right, but I think you should try and find solace in the fact that you are obviously a decent man who, unfair as it may be, fell in love with the wrong girl. Thank you so much. My family has been very emotionally supportive of me. I think I'm going to move 500 miles away to Los Angeles to be with them. SF has lost its luster at this point. Start all over again, right?
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Wait.. you break up with her.. then find out she cheated and you are upset.. Why ? You broke up with her... You dumped her.. you got rid of her.. You rejected her... Why does it matter ? Count your blessings...
jon01 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 The funny thing is, based on your conversations with her she doesn't seem too concerned to lose you. I didn't hear anything about her trying to save the relationship, or asking for another chance, etc. So, when you are sad, just remember this so that you understand she wasn't the right one. And don't spend too much emotional energy trying to figure it out either, it will just mess up your head more.
movingonandon Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Don't do it man, keep some dignity. In a moment I was particularly furious with my girlfriend cheating on me I did something that even though under the circumstances could be be conceived as almost innoquous (calling hur a "dumb, cheating, bitch") did not make me feel any better and I regretted it later. Just shut up, go through the rollercoaster you're in for the next month, and move on. Also, keeping your cool actually is is the best revenge. If you stay cool, or at least ambivalent, one thay she'll wake up and she'll be like "wow..., he really doesn't care anymore...", and then she'll regret it bigtime.
cyabye Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Wait.. you break up with her.. then find out she cheated and you are upset.. Why ? You broke up with her... You dumped her.. you got rid of her.. You rejected her... Why does it matter ? Count your blessings... Agreed. Make the move and finish grad school. C'YA BYE
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Here are the chain of events from last week: Wed: ...We... have sex... Thur morning 5am: I broke up with her. ...What should I do?! I recommend you get your new sexually transmitted disease treated, and then resolve to never conduct yourself like such a lowlife again.
Prettyinblack Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Just for the record around the STD thing....depending on what type of STD, you will start showing symptoms from 48 hours until 2 weeks before you notice anything different. I am assuming that the STD is Herpes or Clamydia...symptoms show after infection relatively soon so I think you are on the mark in saying she gave you and STD. As long as you weren't with anyone else, you know where it came from. Been there, done that, starred in the whole damn movie.. It's a drag and I feel for you.
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