Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 This has been bugging me since last Friday. It's not that big of a deal, and just one isolated thing, but it's indicative of a bigger problem, I think. I've written about my roommate's passive-aggressive ways in the past. She and I have an off-and-on friendship, and it always seems to be at her whim. Her mood determines whether we're friendly and bonding, or whether we're distant and strained. A simple question from me, such as, "Hey K, is there a reason you're throwing away the tupperware instead of washing it and reusing it?" will get a scowl and a nasty response, and she'll avoid me for a week. Anyway. We're both part of an charitable organization that had a retreat up in Tahoe this past weekend. She was scheduled to go, but then decided last minute not to attend in order "to save money." (The room and board was to be $50 for 3 nights, not exactly expensive.) Instead, she wound up going to a concert (ticket = $65) and some sort of MMA fight (another ticket), neither of which she's all that into, but went because her new BF wanted to go. This was disappointing to everyone. Most of the women have families, husbands, fiances...they all make the time to go up on this ONE weekend because it's so important, both for planning and for bonding purposes. I had a sh*t load of stuff to bring to the retreat - 2 air mattresses, sleeping bags, pillows, food, a cooler, and my luggage tote. We live on the third floor. I was running late, and she knew this. With her help, I'd only have to make two trips up and down the stairs, and she'd only need to go down once. She was just hanging out, having just gotten home from the gym and still all sweaty, so I thought she could help me and not have to worry about her getting all sweaty (it's hot here). I go to her and say, "Hey K, would you mind helping me take this stuff down so I don't have to make three trips?" She looks at me with disdain (her typical scowl) and says, "NOOOOO." (Typing it doesn't do it justice, it was a rude, how-dare-you-even-ask-me type long drawn out "no.") She's literally irritated that I even asked. My face must have shown surprise at her response (I admit I actually expected that a nice person would help me if asked), and she said, "What? Don't look at me like that. It's YOUR trip, not mine. Why should I??" I didn't respond, and just started taking the stuff down. She watched me make three trips up and down the stairs, while sitting on the couch eating cereal in silence. Again, this is just one thing. But it has been bugging me to no end. Other than split apart, is there anything I can do short of ignoring her that I do so that MY living situation is more pleasant? I'm quite frustrated because we have FANTASTIC bonding moments as friends. Good friends. But then the next day she's so cold, and if I ask if I did something she says either, "No, Star. Jeezus. It's not about you," OR she says, "I'm upset and I don't want to talk about it" (still leaving me to wonder if she's upset with ME about something). Anyway. Any input would be great.
stefspets Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I think you're right about it being a sign of a bigger problem, and it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. I've had roommates who weren't particularly good friends that would have helped me without question if I asked. I don't have much advice to offer besides trying to avoid situations that have upset her in the past, to try to keep things as smooth as possible. It sounds like she needs to see a therapist but I don't think she'd respond well to that suggestion.
Kamille Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Other than split apart, is there anything I can do short of ignoring her that I do so that MY living situation is more pleasant? I'm quite frustrated because we have FANTASTIC bonding moments as friends. Good friends. But then the next day she's so cold, and if I ask if I did something she says either, "No, Star. Jeezus. It's not about you," OR she says, "I'm upset and I don't want to talk about it" (still leaving me to wonder if she's upset with ME about something). You could chose to believe her. It isn't about you. Whatever is upseting her isn't about you either. Perhaps you could make a pact with her that is she is upset with you she should tell you, that way, unless she brings up anything, you can safely assume her mood swings are just her way of dealing with stuff in her life. Not helping with the stuff was rude, but it was also her perogative to not do so. In her shoes I would have helped, but in a way it's not like you could expect her to help.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 You could chose to believe her. It isn't about you. Whatever is upseting her isn't about you either. Perhaps you could make a pact with her that is she is upset with you she should tell you, that way, unless she brings up anything, you can safely assume her mood swings are just her way of dealing with stuff in her life. Sometimes I do believe her. Other times she's rude right after a conversation we have about a roommate-related issue and avoids me for a given period of time, which makes me think it IS about me. Not helping with the stuff was rude, but it was also her perogative to not do so. In her shoes I would have helped, but in a way it's not like you could expect her to help. I guess that's what I'm asking - I don't know whether to treat her as a roommate or a friend. As a roommate, no, I suppose I can't expect her to help me with my stuff. But even if she were just a roommate, the manner of her response was ... rude. And as a friend? I think it's reasonable to have an expectation of assistance. Perhaps I'm wrong in this regard and have too high of expectations for how friends should act. Or perhaps we're in a friendship-roommate limbo, where no rules of any kind apply. Any decent person would have gotten up off their arse and helped you with that stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you also the one who was talking about her roommate taking wet clothes out of the washer and, instead of tossing them in the dryer, puts them on your bed making your sheets and blankets all wet? It could've been a different poster who also has a rude roommate. Yeah, that's me...and her.
Ronni_W Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 ...we have FANTASTIC bonding moments Star, Maybe a thing to ponder is whether those moments MORE THAN make up for the rest of the misery and crap? Her attitudes and behaviours don't fall under my personal definition of "friend". And probably not "roommate", either -- to me that implies at least a modicum of consideration, support and respect. And even "strangers" do have compassion enough to help, when that would not be too onerous and/or would ease some other stranger's burden. I mean, yep...it is OBVIOUSLY about her. Me and my big mouth would likely already have said that to her, too . "No freakin' shyte it's about you, K...you're not freakin' kidding about that!" If you can emotionally detach, that probably is your best bet -- just go about your business as if you are living alone. Sad way to have to live, though, when there is another 'body' in the house. Sorry that you're experiencing this -- one's home really ought to be one's sanctuary.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks for your input, Ronni. You don't think I'm being oversensitive?
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks for your input, Ronni. You don't think I'm being oversensitive? Good lawd, NO! Seems to be an on-going pattern of her treating you with utter disregard and/or disdain...heck, I'd even suggest you haven't been sensitive enough, that is, to your OWN self and well-being . I do hope things work out so you can feel comfortable and relaxed in your own home...ALL the time, not at her whim and pleasure. You're welcome for the input. At end of day, do what feels best in your heart.
lovelorcet Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks for your input, Ronni. You don't think I'm being oversensitive? I wouldn't exactly say that you are being over sensitive but maybe it is just better to accept things for how they are and just don't bother too much with her. She seems to just be your roommate so don't expect too much from her.
Jilly Bean Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Star, I think it's high time you adopt my view of living arrangements. I don't live with anyone, unless I am sleeping with him. Seriously, women are such a pain in the ass, why live with one if you don't have to? Is it possible to live alone at this point in your life? I just think past the age of 30, avoiding roommates should be the rule, and not the exception.
sfsassy Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Star, I think it's high time you adopt my view of living arrangements. I don't live with anyone, unless I am sleeping with him. Seriously, women are such a pain in the ass, why live with one if you don't have to? Is it possible to live alone at this point in your life? I just think past the age of 30, avoiding roommates should be the rule, and not the exception.[/quote Maybe rent isn't that cheap. Not ideal, by far, but a lot of my friends livve in a better eighborhood with roomates (or more like housemates) rather tha having to live in a slummy neighborhood, or outside of the Bay area. SG, getting back to you, I would treat her more as a roomate. When you do bond, just take it as a nice little surprise for the day, but don't expect ANYTHING from her.
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 is there anything I can do short of ignoring her that I do so that MY living situation is more pleasant? I'm quite frustrated because we have FANTASTIC bonding moments as friends. This girl is exactly the same reflection of your bfs. She's an as. I would have ditched her ages ago.
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