HopeDiesLast Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Sassi- Ya know what sucks is that sometimes people do things that we just can't understand. and sometimes we have to just see it for what he is....he hurt you, and its over. and you can't look back. and its SOOO hard to do. But someone told me yesterday that LOVE is about be unconditional. Let him find the happiness he needs and find what YOU need....Maybe he needed this to realize you weren't it for him. and maybe he'll realize you were....you have no idea what hes thinking. But the important part is, realize what YOU want. Was he giving you all of that? Let him go to figure himself out and you focus on yourself. and if in the end your paths cross again, then they do. Its scary to live in the present....you will want to relive the past and worry about the future....but you can't. you just cant. i dont know how to tell you to do it. i just know thats what we all have to do. Think of the positives- this will lead you to something BETTER- and what BETTER is....we'll just have to wait and see.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Hope - Thank you so much for your post. Right now I feel so alone, and just cannot believe that this has happened. Even though I know that he hurt me, and we've had problems, and no our relationship was not perfect, nor was it where I had hoped it would be after 3.5 years,...I still loved him and truly believed in we'd go the distance. This is just tearing my heart into pieces. I'm really not sure how I am going to get myself through all of this.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 i feel the same way....i just NEW this was it for me. And hearing all those cliches like "If its meant to be, it will be" just sucks! Its horrible. And i wish i could know NOW what hes thinking so i could move on either way- with or without him. and i wish he'd come back and everything would be better. But we just dont know. I'm not afraid to say im going to see a therapist today. i think it will help. i need to move on and ive exhausted my friends. so hopefully shes got ideas on HOW to do that. Its gonna hurt alot, Sassi. But you HAVE to LET GO. im still trying to figure out how to do that....but i know that in the end something better is gonna come out of this pain. Maybe him bettering himself and coming back. maybe me finding what i want and someone better coming along. i dunno. Whatever you do- DO NOT CALL HIM. Let him live his life without you. Let him miss you. HE made this decison and only HE can choose to come back and fix it. You dont wanna beg or plead....just walk away. Value yourself enough to keep your dignity. and let him see you're not gonna stand for his crap. If hes the man you think he is, he'll see your point. and if he never realizes- would you have wanted him to do this to you after you're married with a baby? YOU are the prize. PLEASE DONT FORGET THAT! (Ingenue this applies to you too- your advice made me think!!)
Author Sassi75 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 I actually was online looking for a therapist myself. I don't even know where to start with that to be honest. I'm glad your going to see one. I think that it's a good idea to be able to talk all of our feelings out. If you happen to figure out how to let go before me,..please let me know how you did it! Cause just like you said, I have no idea how to let go of him. I promise you, and myself that I will not call him, text him, or email him for any reason. Not for my house key, my clothes, nothing.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You should definitely read "Its Called a Break Up Cus Its Broken"..... such a great book....its harsh truth, but it definitely helps. I wanted to think my ex was better than the *******s in the book, but he's not. hes a jerk just like the rest of them. Also this website that has a blog....its called Gettingpastyourpast.com. Really great advice. just keep reading it over and over and over....and be MAD! your anger will get you through this! So i went to the therapist today and she made some good points that you may want to think about....she said i should ask myself why am i afraid to admit he's wrong for me? i mean...it sounds stupid, but thats why im in denial about all this. I'm afraid to admit i was wrong about him and hes wrong for me. Something i get to think about for 2 weeks!
Author Sassi75 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I went and bought several books over the weekend--"It's Called a Break Up Cause It's Broken" was one of them. I'm in search of anything that will help me better understand what has happened. Unfortunately, nothing that I've read thus far is helping me to feel better about all of this. All weekend I hoped that he would call, text, or something. Just to say that he missed me, or loved me....something! Of course, that did not happen. I have to say on a good note for myself that I didn't contact him in any sort of way either. I guess it's really over this time. We've gone through break-ups before where I thought it was over. At one time it was as long as 6 weeks apart, but he always came crying back to me. And of course after some work on his part, I always took him back. Each time he would tell me that he could not live without me, that he loved me more than he's ever loved anything in his life, etc. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want the same thing to happen this time too. I just want him to wake up and realize what is happening here, and what he's doing to us. Wishful thinking I guess. Even if he's given up on us, I just cannot let go that easily. I love him and I cannot just flip that off like a light switch. I know that he's made some pretty bad decisions, and I am mad at him for that. But with that said, I don't love him any less. I AM SO MISERABLE.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 i hear ya Sassi. went to a wedding this weekend that he should have been at with me. it was hard. i was so happy for my friend, but so sad. the book is alot of harsh truth. at first i kept saying "this doesnt apply to me or him." but after no contact for 24 days now....im starting to beleive what the authors say. i wish i could say after 6 weeks he came back....its now 8 weeks since the break up and hes not back. hes been seen out by some of my friends. i wish i knew how he was. maybe hes phenomenal. maybe im the one who's stuck. maybe he'd miserable and trying to cover it up. i know if i ask it will make push him away even more. if thats possible at this point. im miserable too. today is one of my bad days. i need something to encourage me.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Hope, I'm so sorry you had such a bad day. I totally understand about the wedding, I have one coming up myself that's for a mutual friend of ours, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't believe that I will be going. The bride will completely understand. It's good though that you are able to get out. I wish I could. Other than work, I don't want to be out of the house. It takes everything that I have each morning to get into work actually. I am of the mindset with my ex that he's out and he's having a great time. I know he's golfing, I know he's hitting the bars with the boys,...so he's living the life of a single guy these days. Meanwhile, my heart is broken and I can hardly function. So should I be looking at it like I am the one who is stuck? I guess so. I guess that unfortunately I just loved him more than he loved me. And maybe that could be the case with you and your ex also. I also believe that even though our ex's are out and about, it certainly does not mean that they are not missing us. I mean just like they were such a huge part of our lives for so long,...we were a huge part of their lives,...you know? You can't just forget about that so easily. And maybe since they were the ones to leave us, possibly they had been thinking about the relationship being over longer then we even knew about. I was blindsided by it, but possibly John had been thinking about doing this for sometime, and this incident was just his "easy way out". Who knows,...I certainly don't. And as far as finding out how they are doing, yea I understand that to. Every single day I wonder how he is. But then I think about, at this point he does not even know if I'm dead or alive. Why should care so much all day every single day about someone who obviously could care less about me. I go from being miserably sad, to somewhat angry about it all. I sit back and say to myself this isn't high school, we are 33 & 34 years old here. I just don't feel that this has been dealt with correctly and that proper closure was really given after spending 3.5 years of each of our lives together. I guess the closure is his text message to me saying sorry it didn't work out, and it's time we both move on. I guess a flippen text should be all I need. If you ever want to chat I have Yahoo Messenger, just let me know and I'll give you my screen name. I'm usually always around these days,....
journey1 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I know the inner turmoil and panic feeling that you are having. The feeling like you cant sit still but you dont have energy to do anything. Te feeling like everything reminds you of him and even being with friends and fmily is painful. EVERYTHING HURTS, EVERYTHING!! AND LIKE YOU MY EXFIANCE IS OUT GOLFING AND GOING TO BARS AND PRETENDING THAT THIS SINGLE LIFE IS SO GREAT. He is 30 and still lives at home. I am esatblished and on my own. He has got to realize that there is more to life than what he has now! As for you, I just wanted to tell you that although I am still in pain, the extreme panic and fear will subside!! You will be able to eat and sleep again! Just rememebr that everytime you want to talk to him and text you are compromising what you NEED!! If he truly loves you and wants to make it work, HE WILL CONTACT YOU! Remember that if you initiate contact, you are doing the same things you did in the past and you know that those things didnt work! Stay focused. Keep that as your short term goal.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 This is so freaking hard. How come it isn't feeling different? i have my good days and my bad....but it HURTS. The fluttery anxiety feeling in my chest is still there. when does it go away???? Sassi is yahoo the same as AIM? i have aim, but i can just set up a yahoo one to chat. At this point, anything i can do to make this pain go away will help. I'm still hoping, two months later, this is a big mistake. I'm hoping im an exception to the norm.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Hope - I am with you, believe me. This is so hard to deal with. I have this strange feeling in my chest, this tightness & unsettled feeling. At least we seem to have the same feelings going on. That makes me feel better to know I'm not actually going insane here. Saying this hurts really is an understatement. I'm still here hoping too. Hoping that he will wake up and realize what he's missing and come running back to me. Yahoo messenger is different than AIM. You can just go onto http://www.yahoo.com to download their messenger if you'd want to. I'm usually on there during the day, and in the evenings also. My screen names is "bnutwell" If you'd like to chat, please look me up. We seem to be going through the same sort of pain here, maybe we can help each other get through this.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 ok i will do that! I can't at work but later this evening when i get home. maybe i should just go back and read all the posts from earlier to make me feel better and get back into the mindset that was helping. Have any of those books u picked up helped at all? I'll let you know of some websites that are encouraging too. Theyre again, saveed at my home so ill send you the names later this evening
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 What I have started doing is keeping a diary daily. Just about my feelings, what I'm thinking about, how I'm feeling, and pretty much anything I feel like writing really. I think doing that is going to be a help for me. I am getting the book "He's Just Not That into You" today. So knowing me I'll have that all read by tomorrow morning. I can't sleep anymore these days, so I just sit up and read. I feel SO lonely it's unbelievable. We use to try to never spend more than 1 night apart, and now I have not seem him since July 16th I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Every single night before I finally get to sleep, I tell John that I love him. We never went to bed at night without telling each other that, and I just can't do it now. This is torture.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Yeah going to bed without saying i love you is tough. Mornings are tough. i wonder what it would be like to call him....i wonder how he'd act toward me. im too scared to do so. im afraid ill sabatoge any small, itty bitty chance ive got. everyone says talking to them is worse. have you had that experience? i havent seen him look right at me since the break up in june. ive seen him in passing, but thats it. im scared he's really over this.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 From my experience when I decided to call (which was this past Thursday),...it made me feel HORRIBLE. Why? Well because I got to hear him say all over again I love you, I miss you BUT I'm not ready for a committed relationship, oh and I'm getting ready to play golf so I have to go now. Meanwhile I'm crying my eyes out to him,...and he's going to play golf. DON'T CALL. That's my two cents. I wish that I hadn't. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to torture myself with calling or texting just to hear him say over and over,..I don't want you anymore, I don't want you anymore!! Cause really, that's what he's saying. That was my first and last time contacting him since July 16th. I will not do it anymore. If there is ANY contact, it will have to be him contacting me. If this were EVER to work between us again, I at a minimum deserve to know that I didn't talk him into coming back to me, he needs to come back because HE loves me, and misses me. And he's not going to be able to miss me if I'm calling, emailing, or texting him. He knows how I feel, and what I want. Does your ex know that you don't want the relationship to be over?
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Yes i kept saying it over and over when we broke up. I also returned his things upon his request and wrote him a letter. that was my last attempt. i told him we needed space and i just needed to get over this. i also said being friends makes me sick and that in time we'd figure out what we are to each other. You're right that it definitely needs to be HIM making the next move. But it scares me that hasnt called. he cant be over it already, can he? Was he over it before it even happened? i mean there is a tiny chance he could realize, but WHEN? WHEN?! how do i know when to just stop hoping? and it isnt that he doesnt WANT you, Sassi. I keep thinking that way to. cus thats what it feels like. Its that he doesnt want to TRY or put EFFORT into this relationship. For whatever reason. Its hard not to think its you- cus i admit, i feel that way too. But its not us- it isnt. its THEIR problem. Maybe their problem is too much for us and somehow God (or whoever you beleive in) is trying to save us from their issues.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Thats another issue I've yet to deal with, returning items. We both still have each others house keys, as well as some clothing at each others houses, and he's got rather expensive tools at my place still. I mean, he has to remember all of these items, right? Especially the keys if nothing else. Part of me wonders does he just not want to deal with it all right now with things being so fresh & emotional, or he's not sure we are over so he's not in a real hurry? I believe that there is always hope, and there is always a chance. I've never given up on John--even when we've broken up before--I never gave up. With me, I think that in my heart I will somehow 'just know' when it's time to say goodbye, and let it all go. Right now, I have yet to get to that point. Yea, your so right that it's THEIR problem. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our relationship back on track. As you know though,...we have to have these guys be willing also. And I guess at this point, to them, it's not worth it.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 that makes me so angry. how can something we feel so passionately about just be "not worth it" to them?
Author Sassi75 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 I know, it makes me angry too. It's the only reasoning I can come up with though. If the relationship really meant something to them, if they really truly loved us, then they would be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to work things out. They would never take the chance of letting us go! But they have let us go, and they are not here. Heck, they are not even speaking to us! Either it's not worth it because their feelings have changed for us, their wants have changed,....I'm just not sure. But for them something has obviously changed big time, and they no longer feel that our relationships are worth even existing anymore.
babes23 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I know, it makes me angry too. It's the only reasoning I can come up with though. If the relationship really meant something to them, if they really truly loved us, then they would be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to work things out. They would never take the chance of letting us go! But they have let us go, and they are not here. Heck, they are not even speaking to us! Either it's not worth it because their feelings have changed for us, their wants have changed,....I'm just not sure. But for them something has obviously changed big time, and they no longer feel that our relationships are worth even existing anymore. That's right, so stop thinking of the what if's, what if they come back etc. Get into the mindset that they're not coming back, the relationship as ended, gone, disappeared, only when you let that thought settle into your head will you be able to move on. Thinking if he's coming back etc is just torturing yourself and prolonging the agony.
carrot10 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Hi all, So sorry for all the sadness. My bf and I broke up last night too. I've been reading your posts and I started thinking about what you guys said about them not caring while we're here crying our eyes out. I think it is because they KNOW we would all take them back if they called. So it is not the same to them. I read in a book that men don't respect anything they don't have to work for. It's too easy because we have all made it too easy for them. I'm not saying play games. Why would any of us want to be with someone who clearly does not want to be with us. Let's respect ourselves!!!!
SilverLining Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I'm going through almost this exact same thing right now! And you know it's funny, reading your post I'm thinking - she's much better off without him and all that constant pain - and yet you can't really see that when it is your own situation. Heartbreak is real pain, the body experiences it as a physical ache. It's mind numbing and crushing and it makes you almost want to die. But it gets a little less each day. And when I can go through an hour without thinking of him I feel like I've made progress. If you haven't read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", pick it up. It has helped me through these yearly breakups so much, and it will help you too!
HopeDiesLast Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?ctx=4096 Please lets all read these over and over and over and over....
babes23 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?ctx=4096 Please lets all read these over and over and over and over.... Thanks for that hun, shall have a read.
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