Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 First let me thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm sorry it's so long! I've been dating John for 3.5 years. During this time we've had many ups and downs just like any other relationship. We've had so many amazing vacations together, and so many good times I could not even begin to list them all. I love his family, and know that he loves mine as well. Where the problems begin is that John cannot deal with conflict well, or issues that may arise. There have been (taking a guess here) about 5 different occasions over the past 3.5 years where John has broken up with me because of one reason or another. Each time it will last about 4-6 weeks and then he comes back crying his eyes out saying how sorry he is, and that he loves me and cannot live without me. Of course, I take him back because I love him, and always want to try to work through all issues we may have. The last time we had broken up it was because he had met another girl while golfing in Myrtle Beach and had carried on a phone relationship (he swore they were only friends) with her behind my back. He didn't tell me about this, I found out about it. So, we broke up for about 4 weeks or so (he made the choice to break up with me)and then he came back promising me he'd never talk to the other girl again, he only wanted me and was so sorry about everything. Since then (this was 6 months ago) things had been fantastic between us! We went on a wonderful Jamaican vacation, we were seeing one another much more and just having fun together. Well, in June he had to go to Myrtle Beach for a golf tournament with his Dad. I was not really thrilled about him going but knew that I had to let the past go. So now lets fast forward to July 16th when he once again had a golf tournament with his Dad in Myrtle Beach. Again not thrilled about it, but continuing to remind myself let the past go! To shorten the story some, I found out that he had met yet another girl while in Myrtle Beach back in June, and had been having a phone relationship with her for a month behind my back. I heard about 12 voice mail messages from her saying "I miss you". I confronted him about this. Initially he lied and said he didn't know what I was talking about, but once he realized that I had heard the voice mails, he owned up to it. This all happened while he was still in Myrtle Beach in July. So, instead of him wanting to beg for forgiveness and to deal with this issue -- he has once again said that we need to break up. He says that I deserve much better than him. In fact here is his email to me: " Its not fair to you and it makes me feel bad as well to know that I'm not giving you 100 percent of what I have to give and that makes me wonder and think that the issues are with me. After 3 yrs I should be giving you all I have to offer and I have failed at that. You deserve to be a relationship where you are receiving all that the other person has to give. I have failed you in that respect. I know what you want and expect (and deserve) in a relationship and I'm afraid I won't be able to give that to you. You deserve the best." I'm going crazy here! I want us to deal with all of this, talk about it, and figure out as a couple how we can deal with this and move forward. I just cannot give up on our relationship. I love him with everything that I am. I have not spoken to him since July 21st. No calls, no text messages and no emails. I have begged him enough to come back, and decided that I'm not going to do that anymore. What are your opinions? Is no contact the way to go here? I want him to come back to me. Everyone else says he's a dog, let him go. That much easier said then done when you truly love someone. I just cannot give up on him, and all of the dreams that we had for our future. I feel so lost, and like a huge part of me is just missing. I need him. . What can I do here?????
sedgwick Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You don't need someone who lies to you. Simple as that.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Sassi- I am in the same boat- my bf ended it June 8th saying hes not sure he wants the same things i do anymore. he thought after 2.5 yrs he'd be ready for what im ready for (engagement) and hes just not sure now. he says hes content with how his life is now (drinking and smoking with his lazy roommates) and he couldnt even tell me that he'd be ready for it 3 yrs from now! he told me that he wasnt excited anymore, maybe we are too different- i just think he needs to grow up. I hope everyday that he will realize his mistake. I tried to hard to get him to want to try to fix things but he told me his gut is telling him we should break up. and if in time he realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life, he will come crawling back to me begging me for forgiveness. its that awful line that makes me hold onto this *hope*. Everyone tells me not to call him. i havent. the few times i text him he said things like he thinks this is the right decision, hes doing ok, he wants his stuff back....its horrible. When i sent his stuff back i wrote him a note....haven't heard from him since. Its been 18 days now with no contact and everyday is a struggle. i want him back too, but the bottom line is that you and i and all the others CAN'T DO ANYTHING! If he's going to realize he wants you and you are IT for him, he's gotta do it on his own. Think of it this way- when you were little and an adult would say something like "dont do that you'll get hurt" you would do it anyway till you got hurt and then you realized "oh ok. they were right. im hurt." until that happened and u realized it on your own, anyone could tell you till they're blue in the face, but you wouldnt have listened. I know it sucks. and im right in the middle of it with you. Everyday he doesnt call or try to text me is another day i realize he may NEVER come back. Everyday my friends and family tell me i deserve better. and i still hope that he can change to be the better person i deserve. The sad truth is that if thats going to happen, you dont want to have to convince him. You want to know that its coming from him genuinely. So all you can do is move on- whatever that means. and time will tell you if he's the one for you. So cliche'- This is actually kinda therapeutic for me.
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 sedgwick - Thank your opinion and for your reply. It's not really simple as that. It's much more complicated when you add deep feelings, and years of your life to the mix. Also the fact that I don't want to just walk away from him, and give up on us. But with that said, if he's already done that then I have to somehow try to accept it.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Its tough being a control freak like myself and knowing its outta your hands. but bc we are the ones who never wanted this to begin with, the balls not in our court. the decision has to come from HIM. Accepting it sucks, and getting rid of hope for change is harder. Everyday is a struggle. Everyone tells me it gets easier....i hope so.
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Hi HopeDiesLast, Thank you SO much for your post. Reading about someone who is going through the same things helps me realize that I'm not going crazy here--even though I feel as if I am. Your absolutely right, that IF he comes back it MUST be because he has realized things ON HIS OWN. Just like you, I was ready for progress within our relationship, and he wasn't yet ready. And for us, engagement would have been the next step. We didn't live together, although we never usually spent more than 1 night apart. And also like your situation, John likes to hang with the boys, go hang at the bars, etc. We had cut quite a bit of all the drinking out recently because it was not helping us to move forward in our relationship. Things between us had been so wonderful and so much better. So what has happened just confuses the hell out of me. Everyday I want to hear his voice and know how he's doing I go to sleep thinking of him, and wake up thinking about him. He's on my mind 24/7. As you said, everyday is truly a struggle.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I totally understand....every morning i wake up and think, god i have to go through this again?! and its awful. i feel like i was blindsided. but looking back the signs were there...i just didnt think it was something to deal breaking. i thought we could compromise- i never had a problem with his partying, as long as it didnt effect my time with him. so as we broke up i tried to make compromises and suggest things. he wasnt having it. he just didnt want to try anymore and i have no idea why. i dont think he knows why. he needs to figure that out. and he may not and i may never know. its awful. literally makes me sick to think of it. I REALLY THOUGHT THIS IS THE MAN ILL BE WITH FOREVER. I lost 15lbs in 3 weeks cus im so anxious. and i fight everyday not to ask him WHY....cus it wont change anything. What sucks is that ive seen people in these situations and have their ex have a change of heart- then ive seen it where the ex walks away and never looks back. You just dont know what could happen- and its torture. i feel like im going nuts. When you thought you had your future planned with someone then the carpet gets pulled out from under you, its alot to deal with. i wish i had more encouraging words, but i havent gotten that far into this yet. If you ever need to vent, please contact me!! i could use a buddy in this too
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 It's so great to talk to someone who understands all of this. I don't want to eat, and don't even want to go to work, but somehow I get myself out of bed and to work. This past weekend I got home from work on Friday afternoon and didn't step foot outside of my house until I had to go to work on Monday. I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm just miserable. We talked about what we were going to name our kids, and where we wanted to get married. All of those conversations meant the world to me. This was the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and could not wait for that to happen either! I know he loves me, I just think that he gets scared or something. I'm his first real relationship to be honest, and I'm not sure he knows how to deal with all of these feelings/issues. He just runs away. I've been so fortunate the other times that this has happened he has realized he needs me, and comes back crying and begging for me to take him back. I'm horrified to think about, what if that does not happen this time. What if this is REALLY THE END? We still have each others house keys, and several things at one another's homes. If we were totally over, wouldn't he want his house key back ASAP? I guess I'm just trying to hold out HOPE here. I would love to be your buddy, and hopefully we could help each other through this. I'm here anytime you need/want to talk.
quankanne Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 sassi, give him the space he needs to figure out why he keeps doing this – as hope says, "he's gotta do it on his own." Because as much as you care for the guy, if you don't let him have this time to himself, he's going to see you as the "safe place" he can keep running to and he's never going to understand that your relationship deserves better than this. the gamble is that you might not get him back, but that comes second to his need to "fix" that little part of him that needs to be mature enough in a relationship to not do these kinds of things that he did to you. I know how badly this hurts, but sometimes you've just got to walk away in order for everyone to come out a winner. Sucks, yes, but the pay-off is huge. good luck, kiddo!
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 quankanne - Thank you for your advice. I truly appreciate it. I believe that you & Hope are correct that I must give him his time & his space that he must need right now. I do want him to figure all of this out on his own and come to his own conclusion about all of this. As my mother continues to tell me, if it's meant to be, then it will be. I really hope that he is taking this time to really think about all that has occurred & what he really wants. I will continue to do my best not to contact him, and to give him his needed time and space. It's killing me though, but I have to do it.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Quank is so right...IF he wants to figure this out, hes gotta have time. He may not, though. and that smarts. He may not want the same things you did after all--i had the children, wedding, future talks to. and i truly beleive thats what these guys want. but something in them is scared- holding them back from going for these things. Sometimes its something in HIM and other times its that it's not the right person, sadly. No matter how badly we want this, it just might not be it. But your mother and everyone is right Sassi- if its meant to be, it will be! My best friend said something to me yesterday that really hit home- if hes moving on and gets a new gf and you're still stuck in your denial, thats gonna be even worse. So move on with life- either alone, doing things for yourself. or dating, but still doing things for you. And it could be 2 months or 2 yrs....but if he's it for you....then it will happen. Time BLOWS. Waiting and hoping blows. But if hes not it for u, then somewhere in there the right one will come along. Its wondering thats making me nuts! I've read "Why Men Marry B**ches" and theres this one chapter where the author says to walk away if the bf is hesitant on anything. If you walk away, you never compromise your values and what YOU want. It projects strength and conviction and thats what people want in a partner. So if you dont back down, then hes gonna have to man-up and give you what you need. The one line she says that gets me through everyday? "If he's in love with you, he will realize. It may take minutes, or weeks or months, but he will realize. and if he doesn't....then he would have dragged this on for 5 or 10 years anyhow and the outcome would be the same. By walking away, you lose nothing." Think about it!
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Hope - Your right. At this point we've been together for 3.5 years, and if he truly loves me, then he will realize it and come back to figure all of this out. If he chooses to not come back, well then he didn't love me like I thought he did and it would of never worked in the end anyway. I have to remember that. I deserve to have someone who loves me just as much, if not more than I love them. I also deserve someone that will fight for me, and our relationship and not just run away at the first sign of a problem. Somehow I need to figure out how to wrap my heart around what my mind tells me.
Katherineos123 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 "Somehow I need to figure out how to wrap my heart around what my mind tells me." And there you have it. Thats the hardest pill to swallow. Im in the process of trying to learn how to do that myself. But as far as your situation goes, I agree with everyone on this thread in that your hands are tied. If he decides to come back, it has to be on his own accord. If he comes back and you two decide to give it another shot, things need to change. In the meantime, do your thing. Theres a big beautiful world to experience, so grab your girls, grab a drink and make it happen! Who knows, somewhere between now and later you could just find yourself falling again!
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Its just so d*mn hard to do. Seriously....the anxiety is killing me. I know my head is thinking straight....why can't my heart match up?
Author Sassi75 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Saying that this is hard to do is an understatement. Here I am constantly looking at my phone, hoping and wishing to God that he would call. I cannot even describe how it makes me feel inside. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to do anything but just curl up in bed and cry. Meanwhile, he's probably out golfing, hanging with the guys, or whatever. I get this totally overwhelming urge to call, or text him. It's just driving me insane. I WANT HIM BACK. I just so sad and miserable without him in my life.
Melrapuo Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Saying that this is hard to do is an understatement. Here I am constantly looking at my phone, hoping and wishing to God that he would call. I cannot even describe how it makes me feel inside. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to do anything but just curl up in bed and cry. Meanwhile, he's probably out golfing, hanging with the guys, or whatever. I get this totally overwhelming urge to call, or text him. It's just driving me insane. I WANT HIM BACK. I just so sad and miserable without him in my life. Hey Sass, you aren't the only one going through problems like this, so at least take comfort in that fact. Everyone here is right. Just let things have time. When my gf broke up with me in early June, I was wanting to text her, call her, contact her in some way. But at this point I've come to realize that it doesn't help. HE has to come to a realization, and YOU have to live your life no matter what. So eat, sleep, get out there and make something happen. I know you have the urge to, but your body doesn't seem to want to. Ignore that. Tell yourself you're worth it, because you know you are. Don't let this get you down, because when enough time passes you'll look back and realize how you let a single situation in your life take you over. Letting him be is the only way to determine what happens. The truth is, he may come back or he may not. But ask yourself this question, and truly do. This isn't about whether or not you love him, but rather whether or not he's worth it. Ask yourself that every day, and see if the answer ever changes. It can help you move on with your life, or help reinforce other things. A lot of people say 'let go' and 'move on.' You may not be ready to do so yet, but accept the fact that life throws you some curves at times, and you have to acknowledge that there will be times when you must allow yourself to not have control over everything in your life. Especially other people. At the same time, know that if things don't work out, you will FIND someone else. You will. I didn't believe I could, but I know I can now. Don't force things to happen, just let them happen as they come.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Seriously, that last post about sums it all up. Its just the toughest pill to swallow. I find myself looking for excuses....anything, any reason, any online website that might give me the answer i wanna hear "Go ahead and call him. He'll come back and realize just hearing your voice."....its just not gonna happen. Why is it so hard to accept the idea that he's just done? His feelings are gone, the effort for the relationship is gone, maybe for good....its like a punch in the chest everytime i have to repeat it to myself How make it less of a blow? i think i need a therapist.
mscomplex Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Sorry this is so long but I think it may help. Just to reiterate what I have written on other posts: I have a friend who has wanted a relationship with me for 20 yrs. Last year was the 1st time both of us have been single and I decided to give it a go only for him to tell me 1 1/2 months ago he was not sure this is what he wanted. I was hurt deeply and felt betrayed by my friend. I lost both the relationship and the friend. Over the days and weeks it was hard to function. In the middle of all of this a lost a loved one who was like a mother to me. I went through a depression a few yrs ago dealing with something similar and did not want the same thing to happen so I got in touch with a counselor quickly. All I could think about was the fact this man was the one who always helped me through my breakups and other difficult times as well as the fact that my loved one who died helped me with all of my man troubles. What I have found is that watching TV was somewhat of a distraction but not enough because at times your mind will still wander. Reading was better because you had to focus more and visualize the story line. I read the book: He's Just Not That Into You and Why Men Date B*&^%%. I learned a few things. No matter how much I wanted to contact him I kept reminding myself that I am great, wonderful, attractive and a great woman that any man would kill for. I am a young 41 and have never been married. I would love to be married but only to the one who wants to be with me. Remember, these men have spent time with each of you. He knows all of the good things about you and knows what you have to offer. You do not have to call, text or write. If you were significant to him, he will remember on his own. Imagine how great you will feel when he initiates contact without you having to do that 1st. It is such an empowering thing. My ex has continued to send me text messages every few days saying: I Love You or What's up? I contacted him and asked him not to do that, that I am trying to move on and to respect me for that. He would wait a few days and try again. Most of the time when he said what's up, I would wait a few hours and reply with "nothing" If I replied at all. This all gave me some hope that he was at least still thinking about me. Please do not obsess over the fact that he may hook up with someone else or move on to someone else. That could happen whether you are together or not. Just think about the times when you were with someone and it wasn't really the person you wanted to be with, nothing that person in front of you could do would take your mind off of the one you really wanted. Give yourselves the benefit of the doubt. Believe that you made an impression on the other persons heart. You have to make them miss you and want you on their own. Finally, last night my ex could not take in anymore and called. This is our 1st conversation in over a month and remember we have 20 yrs of interactions. He knows I meant business because I stood my ground. You are your best advocate. Make him show you he wants to be there and that your life is not a game. We talked and he told me how special I am and like no one he has ever been with. In the back of my mind I already knew that because he always told me but when you are heartbroken, you tend to think the other person has forgotten. Bottom line is this: you can't keep a man who doesn't want to be kept. If you have to beg and convince him that he should be with you, then you really don't want him there in the 1st place. That's like talking someone into marrying you and then realizing that is the only reason the person did it. Me and my guy talked and I even let him visit. The funny thing is, seeing him: I am not even sure I want to get back with him. (not that he has even said that) He just hugged me tightly and for along time and said he missed me so much and he loves me. He called me this morning like he used to for the past yr (and even before that) and I spoke with him. I did not talk about the relationship. I let him do all of the talking. I did not even really respond when he kept professing his love and that he missed me. I have my guard back up. It took him 20 yrs to break it down and it will not be that easy to get back in. Besides there have been a few fella's at my church who have made some inquiries. Well that's it for now. Sorry it was so long but I hope something that I have written here helps. I found this site a few weeks ago and so much on here has helped me get through all of this. To any guys who read this, I was not meaning this advice to only apply to the women when I referred to guys. I was merely telling things from my perspective. It was not meant to exclude you in any way. I am a social worker/counselor by profession and you would think I would know a little better about this dating thing huh? We just cannot control others and make them love you and want you. They have to realize that on their own and when they do, you will smile to yourself for being so strong.
Simon Leon Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Sassi, Please take 2 steps backward from the situation and you need to relax and get control of your self. I was in your shoes a couple of weeks ago. You need to let go and play it by ear. I'ts very hard....but you have no other choice. Keep all future communications kind & respectfull. You must try to be happy whenever you talk to him. Dont be pushy, or shower him with "I love you's" You need to slow it right down to almost a stop...then slowly start getting back with him. No pressure, no negitivity, not argumnets, no talk of relationship, seperation or whatever. Keep all conversations "small talk" & "happy talk" Serious conversations just bring out the negitivity. Keep away from all seroious conversations. Give him space and let him come to you when he's ready.. Believe me....this can work if it was ment to be.
mscomplex Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 My post was so long I could not say all that I wanted to say but Simon Leon you hit all the nails on the head! Great advice. Sassi, when you feel down make sure to read these posts and continue to stay strong. Believe, you CAN do this!
Ingenue Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Sassi, you're not alone in this. I'm in an almost similar (but not quite) situation as you. I was dating a guy for 5 years. We also had the marriage talk, the talk of what the names of our kids would be, the engagement ring shopping, all of it. We met the parents, spent holidays together. Everything seemed like it was clicking. And then one day he told me that he needed to find himself as well and date others to learn about himself, explore himself and find out if he could make a better connection with anybody else. Surely I couldn't be the end of the road for him. So, he dumped me. As hard as it is to give him his space, you need to do it for you. That's the one thing I've learned. You may initially find yourself in a situation you didn't really have a say in, in terms of the break up. But you should stay strong and find yourself in this time. Go out with friends and enjoy yourself, but don't put your life on hold for this guy. You never know, you may find that if he comes back to you, upon reflection, you may not want him. But the key I think, is to live your life and live it well. Good luck
HopeDiesLast Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 ingenue- that sounds like my sitch. when did you break up? and i know what u said is what i need to do (and i have been) but how can i make it easier?
journey1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I know exactly what you are going thru and how you feel. I was engaged to my love and I had to break it off becasue things were lacking and I was haviing that uncomfortable feeling about dress shopping and wedding planning. Something felt wrong!! I think it was becasue I was developing a crush on someone else who was attentive, caring, supportive and my fiancee was so not there. Anyway, we ended the engagement and three months later I was begging to have him back. He tried winning me back prir to this but I was not interested, in fact I was turned off. As soon as I started to realize he was gone, I felt ill and it was like it hit me and that I realized this is life and not a game. I had to get him back. So we would see each other and text and still say I love you. Soon after I found out he met someone else, how could I be mad?? I did the same thing,, afterall we broke up. I cried and was so broken up about it. this past April he came back and said he still wanted to be with me and get married and have babies. I was in heaven. I could finally eat agian and sleep again. The prior 6 months I couldnt eat, sleep, work, carry on real converstaions. All i did was cry or think. However, when he came back it felt so empty and like he wasnt done with his other girl and that he was unsure if I was the right choice. It hurt like hell. Once again I was heartbroken. Well, we managed to stay ion each ithers lives acuase he told me in orer for it to work we needed to remain friends and laugh and build up our freindship. So I gave it my all for two months and they were amazing. We never fought or had one bad day. he showed signs of commitiing again. But I asked him for more. I said I enjoy spending time with you each week, but I need more, it hurts when I dont hear from you the other days. he said he could not give me what I wanted and that it was best for me to find more. he too said I loveyou and being without you kills me but you desreve the best and I am not that for you. Now it has been since Sat and I let it sink in. NC ALL THE WAY. Everyday I look at my phone all day everyday. I wake up sick, go to bed sick. Just cry and tears almost stopped falling but I am still crying. I think he is gone forever. I have never not contacted him for the 6 years we were together. I too was the glue and now that I need him he is not the glue. He gives up and did while we were engaged and thats how he lost me. So I know how you feel and what youre going thru. Dont be like me, it will go on forever the two of you with your ups and downs
Ingenue Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 ingenue- that sounds like my sitch. when did you break up? and i know what u said is what i need to do (and i have been) but how can i make it easier? HopeDiesLast, my dumping happened a little more than a month ago. It's hard to move on. In the initial weeks, I was an absolute emotional wreck, cried all the time, shut myself in my apartment and essentially just wallowed. But the past few weeks have been alright. I think of him less than I used to. Part of what has helped me mentally to move on is viewing it in as positive a light as I can. I can't change the past and I can't predict the future. I can only live in the present and for me, that present does not involve my ex. Perhaps this past relationship was a good lesson for me to learn about my emotional growth and apply for my next. What was a big step for me was putting all the symbolic reminders of him away: his gifts, pictures, deleting emails, chats, telephone messages. I'm in no contact mode with him and I've blocked his emails, chat handles. Out of sight, out of mind. And of course, I listened to my friends who pointed out things I might want to consider during my break up period and whether he really was compatible. You gain a lot more clarity from distance and objectivity. I won't deny that it hurts and sometimes days are a struggle to get through. But each day gets better and if I need to cry, I do. If I need to talk to him, I write everything down in a journal and it's cathartic. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy. It sucks actually. But we're both great people and we're going to get through it and emerge stronger than we ever were.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Just as an update to everyone. It's over....totally. He sent a text message last night to say, 'I'm sorry we didn't work out. It's time we both move on". So it seems that's it, and there is nothing more to really be said. How could he possibly mean that? I really thought this man loved me. Someone that loves you would never leave you like this. They especially would not leave you in all of this pain. Right? I've never been so sad in my entire life. The man that I've loved more than anything in the world has made the choice to leave me. God that really hurts.
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