A girlfriend, a friend, and a slight mess

[Palladin]

Hi Everyone!

There's something I'd like to write about, and maybe see if anybody else had a similar situation.

Well here goes:

I've been with my girlfriend for 2,5 years (I'm 26, and she is 24) and I can say we have a pretty good relationship. She is a very good person:

loving, caring and generally someone who is easy to get along with. I love her, and I can be sure that she loves me too. The only thing that

sometimes (yes, just sometimes) lacks in our relationship is a bit of ...hmm... craziness, some sparks? Everything between us started very stedily

and it remained such all the time. We very rerly have quarels, but also it's rare that we have i.e. a totaly spontanous and wild sex.

Anyway...

Lately I had a very wierd situation - something that I thought happens just in movies. A very good friend of mine (a girl) - lets call her just M. - came to visit me from another city. We knew each other for almost 5 years, and we liked each other a lot. She was like a sister to me, and it never crossed my mind that anything could happen between us. Since she lives quite far away from me she had to stay in my flat for the night. My

girlfriend knew abuot everything, the 3 of us met together and chatted. Unfortunately in the afternoon my girlfriend had to return to her home (she

had to help her parents with something) and she couldn't stay with me for the night. She left M. with me alone quite sure it is perfectly safe - I

guess at the moment everyone thought it was safe. As You propably already suspect it wasn't safe at all. First we just talked with M., than we

started to fool around a bit: dancing and laughing. Anyway M. danced in very erotic way close to me, brushing her body against mine. At first I was

quite sure that it's nothing, but I played along with her. Then I started to notice that it can't be a coincident, and she is actually showing me

that she really feels good being very close to me. I was really flattered, and I must admit, that I also felt good with her, so I allowed it to

happen.

To make long story short: we ended up in the same bed - in our pajamas and at first just talking and hugging a bit - seemingly just as

friends. But then we started to touch each other (though we didn't kiss). My mind was racing, and I kept asking myself what the hell am I doing?

When the situation became really dangerous, and it became obvious that the next step is sex, she asked me if I can do it knowing that I have a

girlfriend (she was single at the moment). She told me straight, that no one has to know about it, that she doesn't want to ruin my relationship

(she knew I loved my girlfriend) and nothing has to change between us. A simple sex between friends. She made it very clear, that she really wanted

it, but she left me with the choice. It was extreamly hard for me, because a beautiful girl was lying next to me, but (after a few minutes) I told

her, that I couldn't do it. I didn't want to cheat and lie to my girlfriend, although I knew I already went too far.

Anyway, M. didn't make it easy on me. She was still tempting me, though she finally went to sleep to the other room. In the morning once again she

came to my bed and we had a similar situation to the one from the night.

End in end *nothing* happened, but it was really close and I had to gather all my strenght to stop it.

The next day I told my girlfriend about that situation - without the details, I just told her that it was close, but we didn't do anything.

Actually this situation helped us in a way, we tried to bring a bit more of thrill to our relationship which, as I stated at the begining, we were

lacking.

A few weeks have passed since that situation, but I can't stop to wonder what should I think about it. I'm still very close with M., and if

anything we're even closer than before. We talked about what happend quite freely, and at some point I got an impresion that she wouldn't mind at all if I decided to finish once what we started that night.

It's hard, because she's good looking, sexy, and since we always got along very good with each other I have a lot of positive feeling for her,

though I don't love her.

I guess I'll have to be on guard whenever I'll meet her, and I'm quite sure my girlfriend will never leave us alone for the night again;).

Sorry, if the story is a bit chaotic, I hope You can understand everything:).

Feel free to say what You think about it, or post any similar experiences from Your life - maybe I'll learn something.

[Chinook]

You seem very clear in your actions regarding cheating on your girlfriend i.e. you didn't go to that next place. However, you are still emotionally investing time and energy in M that you are not investing in your girlfriend. M does not have what your girlfriend has and vice versa. You have to make a choice which aspects of the relationships are most precious to you and then distance yourself from the other accordingly. If you continue to invest in both, sooner or later one or both relationships will suffer drastically. That is, you'll lose both your girlfriend and your friend.

[Potatocakes]

I don't think you should not be around M at all until her sexual feelings towards you fade, it's just asking for trouble. Anytime you and her are alone theres a big chance what happened before will happen again and your girlfriend probably wont put up with it much more.

M's not worth it, you already said you dont love her and she clearly doesnt have any respect for your relationship.

[sandrawg]

I don't think you should not be around M at all until her sexual feelings towards you fade, it's just asking for trouble. Anytime you and her are alone theres a big chance what happened before will happen again and your girlfriend probably wont put up with it much more.

M's not worth it, you already said you dont love her and she clearly doesnt have any respect for your relationship.

 

I agree with this. I think M's behavior was disrespectful. After you tried to put the brakes on things with her, she continued to press you for sex.

 

Imagine if your girlfriend had a MALE friend who did this-it would border on rape.

 

Think how you would feel...you probably wouldn't want her to continue to hang out with this person.

 

I think you and your girlfriend have behaved very maturely--you behaved with honor, and you sound like you have a GREAT relationship.

 

The only thing I would suggest is set better boundaries with M, and maybe distance yourself from her for a while, at least til she finds a boyfriend of her own!

[Palladin]

Thx for answers, it's nice to hear kind words:).

I'd like to make something clear though: this whole situation wasn't M. fault - at least not hers alone, we both got carried away a bit, and I guess we are equally responsible for what happened. It takes two, even to get only this far.

Anyway... I have an update on the story - funny it happened just yesterday. I got a letter from M. (a paper one, not e-mail - quite rare nowadays;) )- she told me few days ago that she would send me a story about what happened. I've send her mine in e-mail over a week ago.

I think it was our specific way of dealing with it, and an attempt on not taking it too seriously (we both like to write stories, a hobby You may say).

In the letter she narrated the whole situation, stating that she didn't mean to do anything, she was treating me as a friend the whole time, and she didn't feel good with knowledge that in a way she is letting down my girlfriend. It sounded a bit like she was trying to explain herself, and say that she wasn't fully aware of what was happening (I don't think I belive it though;) ).

But the weirdest thing was at the very end of the letter: She didn't say it straight, but she stated something like that she thinks I'm a great guy but unfortunately she is never a suitable partner for good guys, because they already love someone else etc.

On the other hand, she states that I'm just her friend, and she acted like this because she thought that I would never think of her as of woman.

Well, I could be wrong, but she might as well have more feelings for me than just friendship, and sexual desire - but I really don't know. I think I'm getting a headache from this;).

 

I guess that Chinook hit the nail on the head... I think the best thing to do is to set well defined border on how far our friendship goes. Still it is easier said than done.

If I had to choose between my relationship and her friendship I would choose my girlfriend of course, but it would be something very sad for me.

I've always been like a brother to M., she often asked my advice, and told me things about problems she had in her life, that she wouldn't say to others. In a way that makes me feel a bit responsible for her, and I don't like letting people down.

If I say that someone is my FRIEND, I really mean it. That makes this whole situation a lot harder.

Maybe the situation will resolve itself when she finds a boyfriend - there are some guys around her all the time, and she's not the type of a girl who is alone for a long time.

[sandrawg]

Maybe the situation will resolve itself when she finds a boyfriend - there are some guys around her all the time, and she's not the type of a girl who is alone for a long time.

 

That's what I tend to think.

 

And yeah, it sounds to me like M has stronger feelings for you than she was originalyl letting on. Most women-not all, but most-dont separate out sex from feelings, like men are able to do. You should feel very glad you didnt' complicate matters and create a mess of drama and hurt feelings by giving in to her.

[D-Lish]

Wow, I am surprised that after admitting to what did happen, that your gf didn't fly off the handle... She sounds very laid back.

 

You didn't have sex- but it was still cheating in a manner that would cause most gf's to leave or freak out.

 

I don't think you can continue to be friends with your friend given the circumstances... It would be disrespectful to your gf. Given your gf's understanding nature of this situation, I think the least you should do is show her the respect of cutting off that friendship.

 

That's just my opinion. Sounds like you have a pretty cool gf.

[sandrawg]

Wow, I am surprised that after admitting to what did happen, that your gf didn't fly off the handle... She sounds very laid back.

 

You didn't have sex- but it was still cheating in a manner that would cause most gf's to leave or freak out.

 

I don't think you can continue to be friends with your friend given the circumstances... It would be disrespectful to your gf. Given your gf's understanding nature of this situation, I think the least you should do is show her the respect of cutting off that friendship.

 

That's just my opinion. Sounds like you have a pretty cool gf.

 

I was thinking that, too! If it was me, i'd have hit the ROOF! I mean, I got upset at my bf just this week cuz he got a girl's number in a bar. I can't imagine if he stayed friends with a girl who tried to seduce him.

 

Your gf is very enlightened. Hold on to her!

[Palladin]

Wow, I am surprised that after admitting to what did happen, that your gf didn't fly off the handle... She sounds very laid back.

 

You didn't have sex- but it was still cheating in a manner that would cause most gf's to leave or freak out.

 

I'm not saying that what I did was OK, but I also don't think it was something that should ruin a very good, long-term relationship. After all, the only reason that the things didn't get worse was her. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

 

I don't think you can continue to be friends with your friend given the circumstances... It would be disrespectful to your gf. Given your gf's understanding nature of this situation, I think the least you should do is show her the respect of cutting off that friendship.

 

 

Well, if she was someone I met just few months ago I just might. But we know each other for years, and were really close friends: I don't think that saying that we can't talk to each other anymore would be fair. That would be simply putting all the blame on her, but after all it was me who was in a relationship, and I allowed it to happen - to some point. She's not a bad person, she simply gets carried away sometimes.

I think my gf understands this.

 

Your gf is very enlightened. Hold on to her!

 

Well, yes, she is quite enlightened;). She's definetely not the type of a girl who just freaks out: we are always able to talk about our problems, and solve them peacefully:).

 

The important thing is, that we were able to learn something from the experiance. Maybe after 2,5 years together we were a bit too sure of our relationship, and this maybe actually showed us that we need to care more about it and not take it as something granted.

 

I talked with M. on the phone yesterday and I got an impression, that she also learned something. Anyway she lives in another city, so we don't see each other often (we usually talked more on the telephone than face to face) - so my gf doesn't have to worry about meeting her too soon;).

I still hope that after some time they will be able to get along with each other (strangely it seems very important to M.) - but maybe I'm hoping for too much;).

[havoc]

Well, I hope you learned that it's completely inappropriate for you to get in bed with another woman while in a relationship, not once but twice! I'm surprised no one pointed that out. Yes, it's commendable that you resisted temptation, but I have to wonder why you put yourself in that situation to begin with.

 

I would never get into bed with someone I am attracted to while in a relationship -- that's just asking for trouble. Part of being in a committed relationship is knowing what's appropriate and what isn't, and what is going to lead to temptation -- and to stay out of it.

 

If I were your girlfriend, I would probably break up with you simply because you don't know how to avoid situations where you have to muster all your might to not cheat on me. I would question your overall judgment and wonder what might happen in future encounters with women to whom you are attracted.

 

I do hope you and your gf work it out, but I hope you learned something from this experience.

[Palladin]

Thank You for Your reply havoc.

 

Before that situation I'd propably agree with most of what You said. I really don't aprove cheating, and I would have never thought that I might get into that kind of situation. The trouble is, no one knows what he/she will do in some specific circumstances. It's very easy to say: I'd never do this or that - never being in the situation.

 

Note, that it wasn't some woman I've just met, it was very close friend of mine. We often hugged just as friends, and being close was quite natural for us - there was nothing erotic about it.

Normally I'm keeping my distance to women, so it couldn't just happen with anybody else. Maybe this caught me a little off guard, but I don't want to explain myself - I was perfectly sober and in full mental health - I knew what I was doing. Anyway, I've been in a few relationships before and it was first time when I got myself in so complicated situation - I really don't find myself a cheater type;).

 

As for my girlfriend I wasn't worried that she might break up with me - as I stated before she is very reasonable person - I was rather worried if this won't cause her too much pain (that was the reason I ommited the detais). Fortunately she took it quite well: looked more at the bright side (that I didn't do it) and tried to talk with me about the reasons of this situation rather than flaming me for allowing it to get this close. Yes, I am very lucky to be with her:).

Of course she propably would break up with me if I had sex with M. (but once again, who knows?).

 

The bottom line is: even a very good relationship isn't perfect and I think the best thing to do is to learn from experiance rather than back out when something goes a bit wrong.

I guess we're learning all the time, and we're closer together than we were before that night few weeks ago.

[Amiss]

Sorry ,but once touching has happened and sex has almost happened , why continue the friendship? I wouldn't trust you and would think that the girl was trying to humiliate me. It's bad enough having a boyfriend who has a female friend he once "crushed on" , nevermind a boyfriend who almost copped off with the girl!

 

Your girlfriend must be a saint , you and your friend are sinners! (not that I believe in God etc )

 

Do the right thing and distance yourself from this girl , even if your girlfriend claims not to mind

[Palladin]

First of all I've never had a crush on M., we were carried away that night, but I don't have feelings for her. I mean not that kind I have for my girlfriend.

 

M. is among 3 persons (the other two are male) who I would call true friends. She might get carried away, and she acts sometimes a bit crazy, but I don't think she would consciously try to hurt me or destroy my relationship with gf. Overall she is a good person, but needs to learn a thing or two about relationships.

Don't worry, I'll keep my distance on sexual level and I won't give her any hopes for something more, but telling her to beat it would be immature IMHO (and would hurt M. a lot - I'm quite sure of it). It would also show how much my friendship is worth.

 

As far as I can say my girlfriend doesn't have a trusting issue with me: I never lied to her about anything, and I told her about the situation right after it happened. She knows me well, and she knows I love her, and I do want to be with her. I think our relationship is really strong, we often talk about our future, and we're pretty sure we want to spend it together. M. is not a threat for her.

[cinderAndSmoke]

Kudos, man. I've been in a similar situation, with similar results. Basically, I was visiting a city and was staying with a girl who I was friends with but I didn't know very well. There was some almost over-the-top seduction on her part.. I basically resisted and than distanced myself from her.

 

It sucks to lose a friend, but your GF is more important. Talk to M and set up some boundaries. And avoid spending time alone with her with a bed nearby!