good first date then radio silence...

July 30, 2008

Ok, so I met a guy Saturday night (was from a dating website if that's relevant), and we got on very well, to the extent that I broke my own rules and went back to his place with him. I hasten to add that nothing happened other than some fairly passionate kissing. He then dropped me home and said good night. All good so far.

The day after I texted him to thank him for the date and suggested a repeat performance. He replied a few hours later saying that that would be very nice. I then left it to the next morning to suggest days this week that I was free (I just didn't get to my phone until then - no deliberate delay). Since then, nothing, nada, zip and its been 2 days now. Am I blown out of the water? Or is he playing it cool? Should I contact him again?

For what its worth, prior to this, some days he responds very quickly, and others it takes a few hours to get back to me, either by phone, text or email - we are both busy at work during the day, so I don't really expect him to contact me then. I really like this guy, so your help would be appreciated! Thanks guys

July 30, 2008

you mentioned that you to met online... what was he looking for? by that i mean is he looking for something long term, shortterm, hook ups or what? it's very easy to meet multiple people online and have tons of dates, maybe that has happened. maybe you 2 not having sex when you actually went back to his house has turned him off, i dont know. there is no excuse for not getting back to someone within 24 hours.

July 30, 2008

Hey, thanks for the reply. In the discussions we had before we met he said that he was looking for something serious, but only with the right person. He was actually more concerned about me, as I came out of a ten year relationship in January and he expressed his concern that I wouldn't be ready for anything serious. My response was that I was open minded, but wouldn't want to jumpt straight into anything too serious too early. It didn't feel that he was looking for a hook - up, but maybe he was? I don't know. I also explained (when we were at his place) that I have only ever slept with one man, and therefore won't do that right away.

July 30, 2008

The thing about first dates is that everyone has different expectations.

Just because it went well for one does not seem it went well for another.

The vibe or chemistry was not there for one of you. It usually takes 2-3 dates for some people to figure it out.

From what you've mentioned, he was looking for sex and a relationship. You wanted to take it slow. Sounds like you two maybe on different speeds.

July 30, 2008

Hmm - point taken about different people and different vibes, but do you think he would still have asked me back to his if that wasn't the case for him, and then also texted to confirm he wanted to see me again? It seems to be mixed signals if he really wasn't feeling it? He did say previously that the girls he'd met, there just didn't seem to be that spark, so I asked him if he felt there was a spark between us - his response was what do you think before jumping on me! He also said he hadn't taken any of them back to his before...I am so confused, but am getting the impression that you guys think this one's a no go . Shame

July 30, 2008

i think if he was into you he would have texted/called you by now..

of course im going by my standards in that if i have the spark with someone i would definatly not keep them waiting, but i would not be too keen either..

hold out for couple days see if he does call before thinking its a no go.

its a tough place dating:love:

July 30, 2008

Thanks Sultry. I am thinking the same. I will leave it and see (so hard to though!), but I think in my mind I need to write this one off so that I'm not 'waiting' for him in my mind. If he does call then its a bonus and i will see how I feel

July 30, 2008

Thanks Sultry. I am thinking the same. I will leave it and see (so hard to though!), but I think in my mind I need to write this one off so that I'm not 'waiting' for him in my mind. If he does call then its a bonus and i will see how I feel

your welcome;)

i had a date a couple of weeks ago he was really nice, sweet, it went well except was no spark on my part.. i did agree to see him again.. but he got overly involved kept asking do i like him.. what day was we going meet..

why didnt i call/ text much.. it went on an on..

then i sent him message saying sorry was caught up with my son then had to run.. 1st chance to top my phone up.. so i said have a good night.

then i got reply.. "yeah u have fun as u have all guys around u so u not care about me.. you dont seem interested as u dont text!

for me that was it.. over.. before it had begun, but i was like if he is that intense now what would he be like if we was actually dating?

last message i got was on mon.. sayin thanks for ignoring me, u r so cool

sometimes the other person may be dragging there heals because there may not be spark.. he may be into you only time will tell, but if he is "flaky" now he could get worse.

i gave my num out to a guy i like.. he hasnt called/texted.. im not going chase as i know im worth more than that, as are you:)

July 30, 2008

No, I know what you mean - that can be a real turn off if people keep texting and asking. I have sent two texts in the space of 3 days, and have only asked once if he wants to meet up again - to which he said yes. It's the well when are you free one that he hasn't got back to me on - and I haven't sent anything else. I don't think that's too much is it? So hard to tell when you like someone

Just a question, if there was no spark for him, would he have told me directly that there was? Seems a bit of an odd thing to lie about, as it would only lead to the annoying texts that you refer to!

He's also added me to facebook - hasn't been on as far as I can see, and hasn't deleted me either...

Argh! so irritating - I really thought this one had mileage. Ah well - such is life. Here's hoping that he has lost his phone/been called away to a place where there is no reception/is planning an amazing date and doesn't want to call me until he has it all ready lol.

Hope your guy calls you too sultry

July 30, 2008

No, I know what you mean - that can be a real turn off if people keep texting and asking. I have sent two texts in the space of 3 days, and have only asked once if he wants to meet up again - to which he said yes. It's the well when are you free one that he hasn't got back to me on - and I haven't sent anything else. I don't think that's too much is it? So hard to tell when you like someone

Just a question, if there was no spark for him, would he have told me directly that there was? Seems a bit of an odd thing to lie about, as it would only lead to the annoying texts that you refer to!
he may be trying to be nice:love:
He's also added me to facebook - hasn't been on as far as I can see, and hasn't deleted me either...

Argh! so irritating - I really thought this one had mileage. Ah well - such is life. Here's hoping that he has lost his phone/been called away to a place where there is no reception/is planning an amazing date and doesn't want to call me until he has it all ready lol.
yea fingers crossed x

Hope your guy calls you too sultry

i hope he dont call lol im already nervous.. texting i can do

i dont think he will, think i probably scared him off.. trouble is i will see him friday/sat so am dreading that.. going to look extra hot though:D

got killer heels, basque top.. sexy skirt.. i kinda like the tease..

i probably fall over him.. lol

hope it works out for you.. im on dating sites.. not really seen anyone i really like though yet..

July 30, 2008

He's likely meeting other people online, and perhaps going out on dates with them too, so a little distracted. If your date went well, I'm sure he'll come back to you in a few.

However, in my case, if an online guy doesn't respond to my message/text/voicemail in 2 days, it's a wrap and I never respond when they re-emerge later.

July 30, 2008

Ok - so I just got a text from him. He apologised for being crap, but then said that whilst he does like me, that he's not looking for anything serious at the moment, but that if I was up for a bit of fun, then that was cool, and that he didn't want to lead me on.

So, complete turn around from his previous 'I'm looking for a serious relationship'...or maybe it's just me he doesn't like and he's trying (and failing, I hasten to add) to soften the blow.

I'm reading this as either a - 'you have scared me by coming on too strong so I'm backing off', a 'I thought I wanted a relationship, but now I've found a girl I like, I'm scared' or, and the most likely I think 'I don't want a relationship with you, but I quite fancy you, so wouldn't mind sleeping with you from time to time' What do you think?

I have texted back with - "I don't want anything serious right away either, and was just hoping to go out a few times and see how it goes. If that's what you want too, great. However, if what you mean is you just want a shag every now and again, then that's not cool with me. Let me know"

Taking bets on whether I get a response? think almost 100% certainty that I won't sadly....ah well - at least I found this out before I slept with him!

July 30, 2008

Ok - so I just got a text from him. He apologised for being crap, but then said that whilst he does like me, that he's not looking for anything serious at the moment, but that if I was up for a bit of fun, then that was cool, and that he didn't want to lead me on.

So, complete turn around from his previous 'I'm looking for a serious relationship'...or maybe it's just me he doesn't like and he's trying (and failing, I hasten to add) to soften the blow.

I'm reading this as either a - 'you have scared me by coming on too strong so I'm backing off', a 'I thought I wanted a relationship, but now I've found a girl I like, I'm scared' or, and the most likely I think 'I don't want a relationship with you, but I quite fancy you, so wouldn't mind sleeping with you from time to time' What do you think?

I have texted back with - "I don't want anything serious right away either, and was just hoping to go out a few times and see how it goes. If that's what you want too, great. However, if what you mean is you just want a shag every now and again, then that's not cool with me. Let me know"

Taking bets on whether I get a response? think almost 100% certainty that I won't sadly....ah well - at least I found this out before I slept with him!

Count that as a blessing if that's all he wants! He may have been lying this whole time about wanting a serious relationship, or when he really did start liking you, he freaked out, or maybe he likes you enough for something physical, but didn't see you two being compatible enough for a relationship.

Either way, unless you are clear you want to do the friends with benefits thing, I'd avoid it! If you don't hear back from him, good riddance!

July 30, 2008

I have texted back with - "I don't want anything serious right away either, and was just hoping to go out a few times and see how it goes. If that's what you want too, great. However, if what you mean is you just want a shag every now and again, then that's not cool with me. Let me know"

I seriously wouldn't have responded back at all. And your message sounds so desperate, it's sad.

Need to be strong, girl. And be prepared, you'll meet jerks like him from time to time, more online.

July 30, 2008

Ok - so I just got a text from him. He apologised for being crap, but then said that whilst he does like me, that he's not looking for anything serious at the moment, but that if I was up for a bit of fun, then that was cool, and that he didn't want to lead me on.

So, complete turn around from his previous 'I'm looking for a serious relationship'...or maybe it's just me he doesn't like and he's trying (and failing, I hasten to add) to soften the blow.

I'm reading this as either a - 'you have scared me by coming on too strong so I'm backing off', a 'I thought I wanted a relationship, but now I've found a girl I like, I'm scared' or, and the most likely I think 'I don't want a relationship with you, but I quite fancy you, so wouldn't mind sleeping with you from time to time' What do you think?

I have texted back with - "I don't want anything serious right away either, and was just hoping to go out a few times and see how it goes. If that's what you want too, great. However, if what you mean is you just want a shag every now and again, then that's not cool with me. Let me know"

Taking bets on whether I get a response? think almost 100% certainty that I won't sadly....ah well - at least I found this out before I slept with him!

I'm almost positive it's: 'I don't want a relationship with you, but I quite fancy you, so wouldn't mind sleeping with you from time to time' What do you think?

I don't think you'll receive a response because of what you said here: "However, if what you mean is you just want a shag every now and again, then that's not cool with me. Let me know."

That sounds accusatory and he'll be sheepish about responding.

I mean ask yourself what you want. Do you really want a guy who just demoted you from potential gf to f--- buddy? If the answer is no then you don't want a response from him.

It sounds like you were fishing with your message for something in between. Like hoping maybe if you guys went on a few dates you could prove to him you were relationship worthy. That's unrealistic. He's just made it blatantly clear that he only wants you for sex.

I agree with the other poster that if you didn't want to be an f buddy you should have either not responded or written something more pointed like "Lol. No thanks. Good luck with that."

If, on the other hand, you are looking for FWB then send him another response. But I think it's probably too late because you've already shown you're not cool with that.

July 30, 2008

Thanks to both shygirl and shadowplay for their responses. I concur in the most part (though not the desperate bit - thanks a lot!). I just wanted to be absolutely clear that that is what he meant (again because it was the complete opposite of what he had said prior, during and initially after our date).

And no I wasn't really expecting a response. The last sentence was intended to sound accusatory, since from the discussions we had on the date, he knew damn well that it wouldn't be fine with me, and therefore I actually took that as an insult.

Thanks to everyone for their responses - he has been deleted.

July 30, 2008

In a nutshell, he probably does want a serious relationship, but thinks he can do better than you. You're attractive enough to fool around with, but he won't commit because he is on the lookout for somelthing better.

July 31, 2008

Thanks to both shygirl and shadowplay for their responses. I concur in the most part (though not the desperate bit - thanks a lot!). I just wanted to be absolutely clear that that is what he meant (again because it was the complete opposite of what he had said prior, during and initially after our date).

And no I wasn't really expecting a response. The last sentence was intended to sound accusatory, since from the discussions we had on the date, he knew damn well that it wouldn't be fine with me, and therefore I actually took that as an insult.

Thanks to everyone for their responses - he has been deleted.

good girl, your right you made it clear so why did he say that..

you can do better, be glad you know now rather than later.. he prob would have dropped you as soon as you slept with him anyway so good riddance:p

July 31, 2008

In a nutshell, he probably does want a serious relationship, but thinks he can do better than you. You're attractive enough to fool around with, but he won't commit because he is on the lookout for somelthing better.

not always true.. he may think she is too good for what he wants right now.. and wanted something rather than nothing..

July 31, 2008

Thanks again for the responses. Just to be clear, I wasn't after commitment at this stage either - I am seeing other people and would be expecting him to be doing the same. I just don't sleep with people until I am in an exclusive relationship, and that would be something that could only be worked out if we went out a few more times - hence the first part of my text. Anyway - tis done with now. A pity because it could have been fun. Best of luck to all of you - this darking lark's a minefield!

July 31, 2008

I think it was step up for him to tell you he didn't want to lead you on by thinking something serious could come out of it, rather than ignore you which people do. The "bit of fun" could mean anything from hanging out for drinks to shagging....

It sucks, he might have thought you were coming on a bit to strong by asking him if he wanted to go out again so soon. we are all independent ladies etc etc that know what we want and deserve the cake blah de blah. but sometimes, in my opinon you have to recalibrate that a bit and play it chill and remember guys are guys and will make it happen if they think they should. If they don't well, they don't and sucks for them eh! You've probably had this same situation in reverse, a guy likes you but for any reason you don't feel like pursuing it. There could be a multitude of reasons why he isn't pursung this, I really think its way too soon to be discussing seriousness etc. He may have got the vibe from you thats what you were after, whether its true or not. Keep your head up lady, and be patient.

July 31, 2008

I dont think the 'you sound desperate' and 'he thought he could do better than you' comments were really warranted here - talk about kicking a girl when she's down!

I think he was pulling a standard guy move - he's enjoying the bachelor life and doesnt want to be tied down to one girl yet...thats probably all it is...

July 31, 2008

I think he did what many guys do, unfortunately. Told you what he thought you wanted to hear (that he was looking for something serious), then he tried to bed you, and when he realized you weren't going there, he moved on.

If I had a dime...

July 31, 2008

Seems to me that you don't like this guy all that much but since he's willing to give you a shot, you're willing to put up with his crap attitude.

He's already waving red flags and you're basically saying "sure, I'll have me some of that".

Why are you wanting that?

Just curious.

August 1, 2008

Yep, Jilly, I think you are right on the money - I am new to the dating game (split with my ex after 10 years in Jan) so haven't come across this before. Need to wise up methinks!

AI - I'm a bit confused by your post. My original post was to ask what was going on when I hadn't had a reply from the guy. My subsequent post was really more by way of an update and an attempt to deconstruct why exactly this guy behaved how he did (so I could learn from the mistake!). As soon as I knew what the man really wanted I made it crystal clear that that was not for me and deleted him from my phone. I don't see how that signals that I'm willing to put up with his attitude - surely its completely the opposite?

Anyway, thanks again all for your insights - its always useful to get other's perspectives. I think I am a little wiser for the experience!

Oh, and TSM - thanks for the support - those comments did sting a little

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good first date then radio silence...

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