CXC Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I figured i try and bounce my situation of somone i can explain the total story to without fear of any come back of speaking to somone i know judging me, us etc. Back ground ive known my now fiance for 9+ years but weve only been together seriously for around 6 months but we started from a soild freindship and within months i realise this was somone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, i love my girl so much . Now the problem comes down to frequancy of sex within out relationship, What i felt was an important part of expressing closeness and intermacey has become a burden and issue for our relationship to a point where its been a good 2-3 weeks with nothing.. And i dont mean anger or issues other than a lack of sex.. We hug kiss and generally love each other. Ill try and shorten this boring woffle as much as i can but i feel i need to explain alot of angels to get the best feedback. During our relationship she has come forward about her past, and it explains all.. Anyone that has been raped on 3 seperate occasions is clearly going to be against wanting a sexual relationship arnt they, But where do i place myself within this relationship.. as i said i love this girl and am excited to make her my wife but im concerned about the long term effects of our sexual relationship, What can i do to work on it? ive told her i can back off.. stop initation on things etc as ways and means to give her the power and help her out but now its got to the point as i said where i do nothing, And shes just happy that way and nothing happens. Shed be happyest if sex was 6 tmes a year, Birthdays, christmas etc.. Shes 10 years and many relationships ( sexual ones ) past her last attack, but from stories i hear shes been able to have a more frequant relationship with her past.. Have i let her walk over me? and is it wrong as a male due to her past to feel hard done by for doing so? I dont want to say i need more sex for our relationship to work, but where and when does my needs come into things? Talking to her isnt working, offering alternative ideas and suggestions isnt working, and she isnt forthcoming with ways and ideas to improve things all i get is a combonation of, I want to improve it for you and willing to try ( but nothing happens ) or the angry this is who i am and thats that. for me adding issue to an already touchy situation.. I dont even know what to ask, what advice im seeking etc i guess i just find myself lost and feeling totally alone.. The thing is as much as apart of me wants to say just find somone else, end the engadgment and move one i dont want to.. im dedicated totaly to us and cant bare the idea of been with anyone other than her, as the strenght and communication etc of every other aspect adds to a fantastic relationship and im never prepared to let that go.. But what about my long term state of mind commiting to a long term settled marrige feeling pushed away and rejected as a result of how things are seeming they are just " supposed to be".. I thank anyone in advance for taking the time to read over my story and try and understand my situation and really welcome any comments or feedback from all angles, as im jsut so lost..
nicki Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You love her. She loves you. She has issues with sex. You have a need for more intimacy. Conflict. You need to be understanding of her situation, yes. She needs to get help and work on her issue, yes. So it's not simply one option of you not getting sex and she not getting help. It's a bit of both. You both need counseling, especially her. You can't go through life and a marriage without having a close, meaningful sex life if it's important to you. Your resentment will understandably build and will ultimately destroy your relationship. And she can't go through life afraid of intimacy with you because of her past rapes. Of course, it will always be there on some level. You need to be aware and supportive of of her residual fears. For instance, if she has a problem with feeling "trapped," then you must never hold her arms down during sex. Be sensitive and understanding. But, you can't enable her either. She needs to heal and try to function as normally as possible. You can't go through your life without sex because she's afraid. And you can't let her do that to herself. Talk to her. Tell her you want her to be whole and happy and you will stand by her. Suggest counseling to make your relationship happier and healthier so you two can enjoy a well-built marriage (and marriage is a creation.) If she won't go to counseling, then you go. It will help you sort out what you want and need, and how to help her, and where to go from here. She may even start coming herself once she sees that you are doing it without her. You might start by asking her what she needs from you to feel safe and close to you, in and out of the bedroom.
KinAZ Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Sex is an important part of a relationship... especially if you two are planning to get married. I've had intimacy issues myself, and finally I was able to understand why, and try to work through them. I honestly think that you should talk to her honestly about this and suggest that the two of you go to counseling or just her alone, whichever she prefers. I think that she should at least understand how you feel about this matter, and try to meet you halfway. If you're looking to spend the rest of your lives together, I wouldn't wait till after the fact to start looking into this issue more deeply. I'm sure it would take a lot of patience on your part, as change doesn't come over night... But I don't see this as something that you could let be for very long.
nicki Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 But, just know, it's okay to walk away from this relationship if that's what your heart tells you to do. If you wan't to try counseling and working on this issue, then go. Maybe it will make you feel like you did everything you could if you do end up deciding to move on. And you would have helped her, too. Really, though, it would be okay to tell her that you aren't sure you can deal with a long term lack of intimacy when you love her so much and want to be close to her.
Lizzie60 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Only 6 months in the relationship and she has no libido ... 10-12 times a year... hum... methink it won't get any better after the M... It's really up to you if you want to go on with this... if you do.. then you know what you're getting into.. please don't complain later..
Walk Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 When you've talked to her, did she say she only wanted sex 10 times per year or is that what you believe she wants? I'm just wondering if she actually stated that number, or if you interpreted it to mean holidays only. Also, could there be any other factors that might decrease her libido? Anti-depressants, health problems? Has she talked to her doctor about possible causes (other then psychological) for the decrease? Has she discussed her past relationships and the frequency of sex in those? Is the frequency of sex more or less then in previous relationships? I'll second, third, fourth the opinion that you two need to talk to a counselor before marriage. Have you talked to her about what triggers her sexual desire? Would oral sex allow her to feel more comfortable with sexual intimacy versus the outright act of sex?
Potatocakes Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Try every possible opption before you give up. You talk about how perfect you two are for each other besides problems in the bed room. Even if you do get more sex from someone else do you really think you would be happy? Ask her about fantasies, goto counselors.
Author CXC Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 "When you've talked to her, did she say she only wanted sex 10 times per year or is that what you believe she wants?" Shes said numbers in the past, " once every 6 weeks id be happy " is one example of that. As i said, shes a good 10 years past all of this so she has been to a counciller, shes done the medication and come off stronger on the other side ( its horrific but she was between 8 - 15 when the attacks took place, were both now heading toward 30.. for the record ). her appearance in her eyes is also a contributing factor, she is overly critical of her appearance and this is a playing factor in why i feel pushed away. "Has she discussed her past relationships and the frequency of sex in those? Is the frequency of sex more or less then in previous relationships?" As i said, ive known her for 9 years so im very well aware of her past.. i know of a time where there was a no strings weekend ( with a guy i knew as well ) that frequancy was 5-6-7 times over 3 days, I know a former partner of hers that had a higher frequancy, But on the other foot with that the guy was an idiot and im allmost convinced was been abusive in the sence that he didnt understand things and take a different tact, i guess he was just selfish and just pressured her to do it.. and she did it out of "im supposed to's" where as ive expressed that i care so much im not prepared to put my self first and will continue to back away if its apparant somthings up with her state of mind leading up to or during somthing. Were very open and able to talk but this seems to be one topic where it just comes off the tracks and we end up getting no where. Im just not the type of person to be able to cheat or go else where to satisify those " male urges ", and i do want and i am prepared for the yards that need to be taken to solve things im just not prepared to say, oh well this dont make me happy so im going to walk away, as for the first time ever im so very well aware that the best partner is your best freind and were perfectly happy together.. The only reason this is an issue is due to the selfishness of 3 prior events abusing a younger child into an act there not supposed to be involved in and that this has had longer term damaging effects that are hurting our relationship. We started off lower than i would like but acceptable in frequancy but due to discussions ive asked can i help by not starting it, not asking for it etc and was told yes. If she felt she had the power to control it she would be happyer.. SO weve done that, issue is that nothing happens and now im to scared to re approch to see if i can take some lead back into instigating things where naturally im not going to do anything shes even slightly uncomfortable. I just want to feel closer to my partner..
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 OP, what's her take on your emotional/spiritual/intellectual relationship? Do you talk about that? As odd as it might sound, her past experiences with a higher sexual frequency might have been because she was emotionally disengaged. What do you think?
KinAZ Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You can go to counseling and talk about the trauma of what happened, and still not talk about your intimacy issues. Like many women who have been raped or molested not only have intimacy issues, but also issues achieving an orgasm in some cases. Especially if this is an old issue for her, she might not even realize that it's an issue at all. I, personally, wasn't able to see any issues till I started to see how my ex was feeling neglected, and not just being whinny. Two people may be able to see a conflict of interests, so to speak, but they might miss the real problem if they don't understand everything that's going on. If she's saying she only needs sex every 6 weeks then she is missing your side of this, at least in part.
Author CXC Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 As odd as it might sound, her past experiences with a higher sexual frequency might have been because she was emotionally disengaged. What do you think? Possibly very accurate actually.. In fact i belive she admitted to me at some stage she was happy to go at it all weekend with this one guy as she knew going into it there was no expectations.
Author CXC Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I, personally, wasn't able to see any issues till I started to see how my ex was feeling neglected, and not just being whinny. Two people may be able to see a conflict of interests, so to speak, but they might miss the real problem if they don't understand everything that's going on. If she's saying she only needs sex every 6 weeks then she is missing your side of this, at least in part. Shes not saying she NEEDS it every 6 weeks, shes saying if she could have her way shed only put up with it every 6 weeks at the earliest.. allmost a case of " id like it to be 6 weekly if i REALLY have to do it at all ".. As far as enjoyment and orgasams go things are perfect, the act of having sex is perfect with one time where her dryness ( as highligted in this thread as a result of prior trauma now able to be rectified with lube etc ) was an issue. Its getting her motivated to WANT to to anything, if i said somthing or touched her or tryed to initiate it nothing but rejection, if i leave it to her to start nothing happens. If some conversation leads toward a it could happen, to ensure it happens we need to bring out some porn to get her in a decent enuf mood to do anything, This is fine.. But does take away the fun of the spontanuity etc that we could be enjoying, as it feels pre planned if that makes anysense.
KinAZ Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Shes not saying she NEEDS it every 6 weeks, shes saying if she could have her way shed only put up with it every 6 weeks at the earliest.. allmost a case of " id like it to be 6 weekly if i REALLY have to do it at all ".. As far as enjoyment and orgasams go things are perfect, the act of having sex is perfect with one time where her dryness ( as highligted in this thread as a result of prior trauma now able to be rectified with lube etc ) was an issue. Its getting her motivated to WANT to to anything, if i said somthing or touched her or tryed to initiate it nothing but rejection, if i leave it to her to start nothing happens. If some conversation leads toward a it could happen, to ensure it happens we need to bring out some porn to get her in a decent enuf mood to do anything, This is fine.. But does take away the fun of the spontanuity etc that we could be enjoying, as it feels pre planned if that makes anysense. It makes sense. I had a situation go bad because the guy thought I was seeing someone else because I didn't want sex as much as he thought I should. And even then, usually it was only after a couple of drinks (but it generally lined up with my cycle). And yes, he developed a complex. And for a long time I just thought he was being silly. It took a long time before I even made the connection myself. I was always up for seeing him, and while I wanted sex more than every 6 weeks (twice a month was good), it was a non-issue for me any other time. I was totally indifferent. In his case, he took it personally that I wouldn't initiate physical contact. After a few glasses of merlot, the situation with me was a little different, BUT I was still disconnected. And it was a long time (I mean years) before I even had an orgasm with him. Everyone's situation is different. And I mentioned counseling, even if she has already been in counseling, because it took a little research for me to connect my own dots. And... there are people who specialize in that area. With counseling it's necessary that a problem be specified. I don't know what she has talked about but issues with sexual desire and intimacy are things which need to come up. If she talks to a therapist or something, but isn't talking about this particular problem, how can it be addressed or resolved? I think another important question is whether she fully understands how important this matter is to the relationship and to you personally. For me, a problem had to arise from my perspective to make me look at matters more closely, and see how he was really feeling. Before, I really did think he was just being silly.
KinAZ Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 As odd as it might sound, her past experiences with a higher sexual frequency might have been because she was emotionally disengaged. What do you think? I'll have to say this is a good point. I always use examples in my tellings, yet I don't want to get too personal here, but I think this is a very good point. Also, in the time that she has been with you, her perspective about sex could have very well changed, in addition to the emotional disconnect in previous relationships/involvements.
Recommended Posts