My Story...Really Long...Husband's Emotional Affair

[rose315]

Hi,

I have been lurking and read a few stories and I have to say my story is almost exactly like some of the stories i've read.

 

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years, together for 6. We have 2 young children together, and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage.

 

My husband and I own a photography business together. Last year I was pregnant with our son and had to take some time off right before our busy wedding season. My husband hired a young, attractive, red head to replace me which I wasn't thrilled about (I mean I was big and pregnant and wasn't feeling so sexy at the time, plus I should mention that my husband has always been obsessed with red heads). He assured me that she was the best for the job and not to worry about anything. I should also mention that they both went to the same film school, but he didn't know her untll she responded to his ad looking for a replacement photographer for me.

 

They worked together that entire summer and even though I wasn't crazy about him spending so many hours alone with a young, attractive girl I had no reason at first to think there was anything going on other than business. Wedding season ended and I had the baby and there was really no reason for her to continue working for us anymore. I assumed my husband would end contact with her (he told me he would see her in the halls at school and they would wave to each other but that was it).

 

So fast forward a couple of months to Christmas Eve. My husband left his cell sitting on the table. For some reason I felt compelled to pick it up and snoop. Right away I saw a text message from her that read "You too, kiss, kiss". I tried to see the message he had sent to her, but he had deleted the outgoing messages. I FREAKED out and started yelling at my husband (probably shouldn't of reacted that way but I was furious). I had asked him prior to this if they ever sent text messages to each other and he had promised me that they didn't (obviously that was a lie). My husband looked like a deer caught in the headlights and quickly tried to cover his behind by saying that he had no idea why she would send him a text like that and that it didn't mean anything and that he would cut off contact with her and that it was no big deal. He claims that he had sent her a text message saying "Merry Christmas" and that she responded with the kiss, kiss thing (yeah I dont believe it either). The first thing I did was immediately log into our Myspace account (we had one for our business) and I sent her a message basically telling her that I had found her text message and that she could forget about ever working for our company again and that I wanted her to leave my husband alone, that he was a married man with 4 kids and that her text message was innappropriate.

 

She immediately replied back with an apology email basically telling me how sorry she was and that she had gotten drunk and didn't mean anything by it and how stupid she felt, etc. She then sent my husband an email (which I snooped and found) that seemed to validate her email to me. It basically was an apology to him saying that she knew how much his family meant to him and that she would never do anything to jeopardize his family and to tell me that she was very sorry.

 

I assumed that my husband was telling the truth that nothing physical happened between them (although I was still very bothered by the whole thing) and decided to move on and let it drop.

 

So fast forward to April. I had noticed that around Jan-Feb my husband seemed to be spending an awful lot of time away from home. I also noticed that he seemed to be on his cell phone a lot. Our bills were getting higher and higher and we were going over our monthly text message allowances (and I knew it wasn't from me). I ask my husband several times "You arent still talking to S are you?" and he assured me that they had not been talking to each other at all since the Christmas Eve incident.

 

One night my husband was out late and I was growing really suspicious of all the time he was spending away. He kept telling me he was working on video projects late at night at the school, but I knew in my heart that was a lie and that something was going on. I decided to log into my cell phone account (why I didn't do that earlier I dont know). I was devastated to find out that they had been continuing to talk each other pretty much every single day behind my back. There were hundreds of text messages that they were sending back and forth. My husband had apparently changed her name in his phone to one of his buddy's names so that I wouldn't notice her name on his phone. I called him immediately to confront him. I was screaming and yelling into the phone like a maniac (definitely not one of my best moments). He admitted that they had been talking and texting each other a lot. He also admitted that they had been hanging out alone, outside of school. He still denied any type of physical involvement with her (and still does to this day).

 

I was crushed and asked him if he was in love with her. He said no, that he still loved me. My husband didn't seem to want to talk about it that night and we had to get up really early for work because we had a wedding we had to shoot so we went to bed. I couldn't sleep and stayed up all night sick to my stomach, and my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying. My husband on the other hand seemed to have no problems sleeping!

 

I somehow made it through the wedding and I told him we needed to talk. At first he seemed really sorry, but by that evening he started to get angry when I told him that he absolutely needed to end all contact with her immediately. He started telling me that I was trying to control him and that he should be able to have friends if he wants too, and basically tried to turn everything around on me. He said that I was trying to blame this OW for our problems and that I needed to take a long hard look at myself. Basically instead of trying to take responsiblity, he tried to shift the blame onto me.

 

We fought about it all weekend (this had all started on a Friday) and I was a nervous wreck because I knew he was going to see her at school on Monday. I insisted that he call her on the phone in front of me to end things. He DID NOT want to do this at all and kept trying to make excuses like "I'll tell her on Monday when I see her at school". He just didn't seem to get it at all and I just didn't feel like he was really sorry or understood the pain and agony he was causing me. By Sunday night I had enough and threw the phone at him and said "You are going to call her NOW in front of me and tell her it's over". He reluctantly agreed and told her that they needed to talk and that it needed to be quick. He got out the words "Look we can't talk to each other, text each other, or see each other anymore" and the rage just took over me. I ended up grabbing the phone out of his hands and I started screaming at her into the phone calling her terrible names which is very out of character for me. She first said "I don't appreciate your accusations". Then she said "I dont want to be involved in this anymore" and hung up on me.

 

I then threw the phone on the ground, grabbed the keys, and just left the house in tears. My husband tried to call me because I had never just left like that before. At first he was like "Baby please come home. I'm so sorry I did this. I love you". Then when I started reminding him that if he wanted to be with me then he was no longer allowed to have any contact with her. Once again he started to get upset again and tried to defend his relationship with the OW by saying that they were just friends and that I was taking his friend away from him.

 

So on Monday we didn't talk to each other much. I did nag him when he got home from school about whether or not he had talked to her. He said that he hadn't. Tuesday had rolled around and I decided that instead of yelling at him when he first walked into the house and giving him the third degree I would try getting him to open up and talk to me. So I told him in a very calm voice that we needed to talk. He agreed and we sat down and talked everything out. My husband still didn't admit to anything physical happening but basically told me that he enjoyed her friendship and that he thought of himself as a mentor for her. They do have a lot in common and that just kills me because my husband and I dont really have a lot in common. My husband admitted that he liked the attention that she gave him and that he had felt closed off from me for a while so he continued to see this OW behind my back because he "honestly didn't really care how I felt about it". He said he did it for his own selfish reasons and that he realizes how dangerous it was. My husband seemed to see things in a new light and agreed that nothing good could come out of his relationship with S. He even admitted to 2 of his friends what was going on and told them that he had been talking to S behind my back. The next day he apparently talked to S after class in person and told her again it was over. He then called me up a few minutes later and told me about their conversation.

 

After that things seemed to improve and we grew even closer. I really thought we were going to be okay, but I just couldn't get past all the pain and anger that I felt. I still feel like he doesn't really get how painful this is for me. I am trying to move forward, but I am too afraid of getting hurt again. My husband had lied to me so many times in the past about her that how do I know he isn't still talking to her? I try to talk to him about my feelings, but all he really says is "I'm sorry I hurt you" but then he doesn't really want to talk about it. He wont go to counseling either.

 

I'm finding myself a constant paranoid mess. I check the phone records everyday, emails, etc. I haven't found anything suspicious, but I can't let it rest. I forgot to mention that my husband recently graduated from the film school so it will be more difficult for him to see her (although not impossible if he really wants too).

 

I dont want to leave him, but I can't go through something like this again. I'm so afraid he's going to do this to me again. I feel like i'm setting myself up for it because I keep nagging him about whether or not he's still talking to her. He is getting annoyed with my constant nagging but I can't seem to stop. I am just really hurt and it's not going away

 

If you've made it all the way to the end then thank you so much for reading!

[Tripper]

I'm sorry you're going through this, R.

If you look around this forum long enough you'll see that your's is a common theme... "Cheaters lie and deny".

 

I sense you have two issues here. The first is the anger and the hurt you're feeling. The second is the trust broken by your H. Tho' connected by the issue of your H's EA, they both, specifically, need to be addressed.

 

Any R is founded upon honesty, commitment and trust , all of which you H jeopardized with his actions. Quite simply he broke your trust.

 

It's not as easy as him wanting you to trust him. He has to earn that right.

How he does that is pretty much up to you. In some cases the cheater's life becomes an open book. Time, money, location, cell phone, email etc. are all available at anytime to the BS, in an effort to "prove" it's over and the WS can be trusted.

To what degree you need this will depend on you. If your H doesn't like this, too bad. He created the situation. And if he has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem for him.

 

Your anger is quite justified but at some point you do need to release it.

A good place to start would be to have a very serious but calm open discussion with your H and tell him how and why you feel. Then ask him how he plans to rebuild the trust. Obviously NC with the OW is only the beginning.

 

If you find yourself unable to move forward you may want to consider a good psychotherapist to help you release the anger.

[Owl]

Are you seeing a marriage counselor?

 

I'd seriously recommend that you start...find one that has a good gameplan on how to recover marriages from infidelity.

 

There are a couple of good books out there that might help you as well..."Surviving an Affair" is the first one that comes to mind.

 

The bottom line is that your H needs to be the one doing the "work" in recovery right now. What is he doing to rebuild the marriage, repair the shattered trust? Has he given you access to ALL of his communications? Email, phone, etc...? Has he started accounting for ALL of his time to you (for now...this fades out later as trust is rebuilt)? Has he left the school and the environment that would allow him to continue to see her?

[rose315]

I'm sorry you're going through this, R.

If you look around this forum long enough you'll see that your's is a common theme... "Cheaters lie and deny".

 

I sense you have two issues here. The first is the anger and the hurt you're feeling. The second is the trust broken by your H. Tho' connected by the issue of your H's EA, they both, specifically, need to be addressed.

 

Any R is founded upon honesty, commitment and trust , all of which you H jeopardized with his actions. Quite simply he broke your trust.

 

It's not as easy as him wanting you to trust him. He has to earn that right.

How he does that is pretty much up to you. In some cases the cheater's life becomes an open book. Time, money, location, cell phone, email etc. are all available at anytime to the BS, in an effort to "prove" it's over and the WS can be trusted.

To what degree you need this will depend on you. If your H doesn't like this, too bad. He created the situation. And if he has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem for him.

 

Your anger is quite justified but at some point you do need to release it.

A good place to start would be to have a very serious but calm open discussion with your H and tell him how and why you feel. Then ask him how he plans to rebuild the trust. Obviously NC with the OW is only the beginning.

 

If you find yourself unable to move forward you may want to consider a good psychotherapist to help you release the anger.

 

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I agree with you that we need some help. The problem is my H doesn't think we need it. He thinks if I just "get over it and move on" everything will be okay. I've already had many long, heart to heart talks about my feelings and he knows I feel the way I do.

 

I guess at this point I feel stuck. Part of me feels like yes he is responsible because he put us in this situation, but then the other part of wonders if I am in the wrong for not letting go? It's been 3 months and I still feel just as hurt today as I did 3 months ago. It's not going away at all. I feel like this EA is just taking over my life. I feel like i'm living a lie. Only one of my friends knows about it. To everyone else I put on a fake, happy front and pretend like things are okay. I'm starting to really resent my H, but at the same time i'm conflicted because I really do love him. Sorry i'm rambling now. I guess I just needed to get all of this out

[rose315]

Are you seeing a marriage counselor?

 

I'd seriously recommend that you start...find one that has a good gameplan on how to recover marriages from infidelity.

 

There are a couple of good books out there that might help you as well..."Surviving an Affair" is the first one that comes to mind.

 

The bottom line is that your H needs to be the one doing the "work" in recovery right now. What is he doing to rebuild the marriage, repair the shattered trust? Has he given you access to ALL of his communications? Email, phone, etc...? Has he started accounting for ALL of his time to you (for now...this fades out later as trust is rebuilt)? Has he left the school and the environment that would allow him to continue to see her?

 

Thank you very much for the reply. No, we aren't in marriage counseling. I've been begging my H to go but he doesn't "believe in counseling" which in my mind is a cop out. He's told me from the day I met him that he doesn't believe in marriage counseling though so I wasn't surprised when he said he didn't want to go.

 

He hasn't given me all access to his communications. I have access to his phone and his main email, but I know he has another email for his new job and I do not know the password for it which makes me extremely paranoid.

 

As far as his time goes, he just started his new career and has to travel all over the country (even outside of the U.S.). He has been gone for the last 2 weeks and actually comes home in a few hours. He'll be home for a few days and then he leaves again for another week. Him being out of town has been killing me and re-opening old wounds. It would be very easy for him to contact her by phone or email since he's out of state. I know she hasn't been on the trip because I can see some of her friends' Myspace accounts (her account is on private and I deleted her account on Christmas Eve when I found her text message) and it appears by some of her comments that she is still at home.

 

He has left the school environment for the most part, but he does occasionally have to go back to use their computers to use their programs. He can visit the school and use their equipment for up to 6 months after he graduates and it's only been a couple of months. He would be able to find time to see her though. 2 of my husband's best friends live in the same town as her school and he goes to visit them for long periods of time (he's always done that even before he met her). He could easily tell me he's at their house and sneak over to see her. I live too far to drive over and check it out, plus I don't know where the OW lives.

 

I agree that HE should be doing most of the repair work, but I feel like i'm doing it all and that sends lots of red flags up.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. Part of me thinks I need to leave and get away from it all, but I honestly don't want too. There are children involved and I want to try and work things out if it's even possible. I want him to be open and honest with me, but I don't know if he's capable given his history

[Owl]

Well, on the mc thing...

 

Tell him point blank that you don't care if he believes in it or not...

 

Not believing in it got him where...in an affair?

 

If he wants to remain married...if he wants to work it out...then he WILL attend MC with you.

 

Make this a clear BOUNDARY...a REQUIREMENT.

 

Why does HE get to decide what will or won't happen to recover your marriage????

 

He doesn't get the right of "absolute power".

 

You have AT LEAST an equal say in how things...at this point in time, you should have MORE say, since he's the one who messed up and got the marriage to this point anyway.

 

An acquaintence once posted: "What would you do if you weren't AFRAID?"

 

Think about that. Why be afraid anymore?

[rose315]

Well, on the mc thing...

 

Tell him point blank that you don't care if he believes in it or not...

 

Not believing in it got him where...in an affair?

 

If he wants to remain married...if he wants to work it out...then he WILL attend MC with you.

 

Make this a clear BOUNDARY...a REQUIREMENT.

 

Why does HE get to decide what will or won't happen to recover your marriage????

 

He doesn't get the right of "absolute power".

 

You have AT LEAST an equal say in how things...at this point in time, you should have MORE say, since he's the one who messed up and got the marriage to this point anyway.

 

An acquaintence once posted: "What would you do if you weren't AFRAID?"

 

Think about that. Why be afraid anymore?

 

Thank you for that. You're absolutely right. I'm acting like a big wuss right now in fear that if I push him too hard he will go running back to her (which he may still be with her anyways).

 

I have to insist on counseling and if he disagrees be willing to leave. I just have to get over that fear that he may say no and that I would have to follow through with my threat to leave him.

[whichwayisup]

You have every right to mistrust him and also, if he has nothing to hide, he should be providing you all his email passwords to his accounts, access to his cell phone etc..

 

You are right, he isn't doing enough to prove to you that he is sorry and that she isn't in his life anymore.

 

Listen to OWL, if your H wants to continue a life with you and the kids under one roof, then he better get to MC with you and fix this, otherwise the marriage will fall apart. For the sake of the kids, you both need to give it your best, so I really hope he decides to go with your to MC.

[Tripper]

He thinks if I just "get over it and move on" everything will be okay.

 

I guess at this point I feel stuck. Part of me feels like yes he is responsible because he put us in this situation, but then the other part of wonders if I am in the wrong for not letting go? It's been 3 months and I still feel just as hurt today as I did 3 months ago. It's not going away at all. I feel like this EA is just taking over my life.

 

R, if the situation were reversed, I doubt he would "just get over it and move on". You are not responsible for "not letting go", because he created this situation; the responsibility is ultimately his and he needs to understand it. And IMHO it's not about you "letting go". It's about him taking the necessary steps to repair the damage HE caused; repairing the trust. Has he even apologized to you for creating this mess? That's where you start. Admitting it was wrong and apologizing.

 

Again, how would he react if the shoe were on the other foot?

 

If you seem stuck and can't move forward and he won't go for counseling, then go yourself. A good therapist can help you get "unstuck". I know, I've been there.

Also if you are obsessing about this (taking over your life, as you put it), you may have a mild case of clinical depression and therapy can also help with that. You may also need an antidepressant; your physician can better guide you with respect to that.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry that he is doing this to you. He's a selfish man, so immature and he doesn't realize how much he has to lose...

 

Can I ask? How old is the OW? Is she married? Or does she have a boyfriend? If so, another alternative is to get ahold of her spouse/boyfriend, and let him know that she is messing around with your husband..As a last resort, this helps end the A because now there's 2 pairs of eyes watching instead of just 1.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing, he isn't inlove with her. He may have feelings of lust, that new crush-like feelings, and it being an EA, it makes it more intense and taboo, feeding the ego too..

 

He loves the attention this girl gives him. It's PURE selfishness on his behalf, he's somehow managed to separate that from you and the kids - He's in an affair fog, aka affairyland where it's all about HIM HIM HIM.

 

Until he actually suffers consquences, the chances of him changing or really letting go of the EA isn't going to happen.

 

Imagine what his family would say? His closest friends! I bet they would be disguisted with his behaviour and stupid choices! I mean to cheat on you when you were pregnant with his child and get close to another woman is just so wrong!

[Tripper]

I have to insist on counseling and if he disagrees be willing to leave. I just have to get over that fear that he may say no and that I would have to follow through with my threat to leave him.

 

R, don't make any ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it out. You will then lose all power of you back down.

If he won't go to MC, then go yourself... for yourself and the sake of your kids.

Unless your H is very obtuse or without a moral compass, he must know that he was wrong and you are the injured party. That's your power position.

 

I'm not saying play head games but I would make him understand that his actions brought the both of you to this point. And only a super effort on his part will begin to fix things.

[rose315]

R, if the situation were reversed, I doubt he would "just get over it and move on". You are not responsible for "not letting go", because he created this situation; the responsibility is ultimately his and he needs to understand it. And IMHO it's not about you "letting go". It's about him taking the necessary steps to repair the damage HE caused; repairing the trust. Has he even apologized to you for creating this mess? That's where you start. Admitting it was wrong and apologizing.

 

Again, how would he react if the shoe were on the other foot?

 

If you seem stuck and can't move forward and he won't go for counseling, then go yourself. A good therapist can help you get "unstuck". I know, I've been there.

Also if you are obsessing about this (taking over your life, as you put it), you may have a mild case of clinical depression and therapy can also help with that. You may also need an antidepressant; your physician can better guide you with respect to that.

 

Thank you for the reply. To answer your question my H is a jealous person and he would be furiously mad if the situation were reversed. He would not just "get over it" at all.

 

I agree about the therapy. This EA is taking over my life. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I'm not a happy person anymore and it's not fair to my kids. I am just an emotional wreck. I cry very easily (I have tears in my eyes right now). This is just so hard and I don't think my H has any clue how hurt I really am (even though i've tried to tell him on numerous occasions). He has said he was sorry but it didn't feel very sincere at all and felt very forced like he was just saying it so I wouldn't leave.

 

That's the thing...he says just enough to keep me in the relationship, but yet doesn't want to put in the work to make it better. I've tried to leave him before and he completely freaks out and begs and pleads for me to not leave him. I get mixed signals from him a lot.

[rose315]

I am sorry that he is doing this to you. He's a selfish man, so immature and he doesn't realize how much he has to lose...

 

Can I ask? How old is the OW? Is she married? Or does she have a boyfriend? If so, another alternative is to get ahold of her spouse/boyfriend, and let him know that she is messing around with your husband..As a last resort, this helps end the A because now there's 2 pairs of eyes watching instead of just 1.

 

The OW is 21 (she was only 20 when they met). My H is 31. She is single and I believe she's very much attached to him so unfortunately there is no one else in her life.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think my H has any clue how hurt I really am

 

That's because he doesn't get it yet. He has NOT felt ANY consquences yet of his actions.

 

So, let him freak out and beg, plead for you not to leave. He is trying to put on the tears, calm you down enough that you'll stay and then he thinks he can just forget, you can forget and everything will be fine and dandy. Life doesn't work that way and again until HE feels that he truly might lose you, the kids and family life as he knows it, his behaviour won't change.

[whichwayisup]

The OW is 21 (she was only 20 when they met). My H is 31. She is single and I believe she's very much attached to him so unfortunately there is no one else in her life.

 

Then she is his ego feed. A young woman who admires him, looks up to him, makes him feel good - ALL about him! Selfish..

 

OK, well, why not tell her parents? I'm sure they would be totally ashamed and upset knowing that their daughter was involved with someone who was married and had children, let alone a young baby.

 

I know some will probably disagree with me on this one, but I think SHE needs to be put her place and really see what she is a part of. Helping him bust up his family. Somehow she's also been able to shut it off and pretend that you and the kids don't exist or don't have feelings...This is how A's go.

 

Sadly, he is lying to her as well.. More than likely telling her things she wants to hear - Exaggerating and bending things his way. I'm not defending her, she damn well knows what she is doing and is justifying it, but I bet he is making it easier for her by deceiving her.

 

Honestly, when it comes right down to it, even if you left him, their 'friendship' wouldn't last long because eventually the FOG would lift and he'd wake up, realize she isn't you, she isn't the one he created a life with and then he'd come running back to you, begging you to forgive him and he'd do anything to make it work.

[rose315]

Then she is his ego feed. A young woman who admires him, looks up to him, makes him feel good - ALL about him! Selfish..

 

OK, well, why not tell her parents? I'm sure they would be totally ashamed and upset knowing that their daughter was involved with someone who was married and had children, let alone a young baby.

 

I know some will probably disagree with me on this one, but I think SHE needs to be put her place and really see what she is a part of. Helping him bust up his family. Somehow she's also been able to shut it off and pretend that you and the kids don't exist or don't have feelings...This is how A's go.

 

Sadly, he is lying to her as well.. More than likely telling her things she wants to hear - Exaggerating and bending things his way. I'm not defending her, she damn well knows what she is doing and is justifying it, but I bet he is making it easier for her by deceiving her.

 

Honestly, when it comes right down to it, even if you left him, their 'friendship' wouldn't last long because eventually the FOG would lift and he'd wake up, realize she isn't you, she isn't the one he created a life with and then he'd come running back to you, begging you to forgive him and he'd do anything to make it work.

 

I dont know much about her family and would have no idea how to contact them. I know her mom lives across the country and she occasionally goes back home to visit. Basically she moved here last year to go to school and doesn't have any family in the area. My H has made a few comments indicating that her relationship with her mom is a little strained and has been for years. I don't know if she has a dad in the picture (it doesn't sound like it).

[whichwayisup]

Google her name or something.

 

OK, so she doesn't have many people around her, which is probably why she's close to your H.

 

I hate to bring this up - But please, get yourself checked out by your Dr. just incase he has lied to you and has slept with her. Don't take him at his word that they haven't fooled around or had sex..Sorry again. Just would HATE to hear that he passed something to you..

[MichelleS1983]

Being brutally honest, you've only touched the TIP of the iceburg. I'd be willing to bet everything I own in this world that it was MUCH more than just an emotional affair. MUCH more.

 

Come on - you were hugely pregnant (with 3 more kids at home) and here he had this dewey eyed redhead - which you ADMIT turns him on more than anything else - and he wants you to believe they were just flirting and talking all these months? Is he KIDDING?

 

I think most men are only as honest as their options, and HIS options were virtually limitless. You were at home with a bunch of kids, stuck in the house every night, and he literally had the freedom to do whatever he wanted with a young, nubile 21-year old who had visions of a future with him. Again, being brutally honest, no one ever accused too many 21 year old girls of being worldy and having much sense, did they? I'm sure she was stupid enough to be flattered that some older guy with a wife and kids was coming on to her (and probably promising her the moon). That's pretty heady stuff to a young girl and it probably didn't take much to send her over the edge.

 

And Rose, men don't play the texting and phone call game with an attractive woman - for months and months and months - without a payoff. They just don't. He was getting more than his ego stroked, of that, I'd bet my life.

 

I think what you'll eventually get is "trickle truth" about this affair. The truth will take a long time to trickle out slowly. He'll only tell you what he absolutely has to - and not one fact more. Each time in the future when you stumble over another piece of incriminating evidence that puts yet another piece of the puzzle together (and you WILL Rose), he'll have to "trickle" out a little more truth - but only if you're standing there with the proof literally in your hands and he has no CHOICE but to tell the truth. But I don't believe for ONE MINUTE you know the whole story. Take that to the bank.

 

And of COURSE he'd like you to sweep this under the carpet and forget about his affair - going to a marriage counselor is dangerous territory for someone whose still lying his entire face off, like your husband is. I'm sure the thought of going to counseling - and possibly being bullied by the therapist to REALLY spill his guts about the affair - scares the life out of him. LOL...I love his lame excuse, "I don't BELIEVE in counseling" as his reason for not going.

 

Too bad what he "believes" in and doesn't "believe" in. Maybe if he hadn't been dipping his wick in his 21 year old Fountain of Youth he wouldn't be IN a position to have to voice his opinion of marriage counseling.

 

Give him a choice then, Rose. Give him a choice of either going to marriage counseling or having a LIE DETECTOR test. Watch him sweat puddles on the floor when you mention THAT one.

 

I don't believe you can truly start healing until your husband mans up and tells the REAL truth.

[silktricks]

I'm really sorry for your pain.

 

Did you ever see any of the msgs your h sent? Do you have a sense as to how romanti their association became as opposed to the friendship your h claims?

 

I personally suggest you ignore the ow as much as possible and focus on your husband. Talking to her, her parents, assoc, etc will accomplish nothing other than putting you in the "wrong". She is not the problem, your husband is. It's obvious that she couldn't care less what you think or feel, so just don't go there anymore.

 

2nd, it's completely possible that your husband really does8lt have contact with her any longer. Don't assume the worst. Don't make yourself sick with worry either.

 

3rd, he is not stupid. He knows that his friendship with her is wrong or he wouldn't have been lying to you. He is not, however willing to face either the level of your pain nor what he stands to lose. He needs to come to an awareness of that.

 

If he will not go to counseling in the face of your pain, will he go if the alternative is to lose you altogether? Can your marriage survive if this is not dealt with? It doesn't sound like it.

 

You may want to convey that to him, but in a non threatening, calm matter of fact way. No screaming, no tantrums, just a conveyance of your feelings and the depth of your pain.

 

The trouble is, you have to mean it. If you tell him you will leave if he doesn't take this seriously and do everything in his power including counseling, then, if he says NO, you actually have to leave.

 

Best of luck to you.

[u91746]

Rose - we don't always see eye to eye, but WhichWay is right in this case. I had a similar situation involving a co-worker - mostly EA but some PA, no sex - and it took me a long time to realize what my W needed, which was no contact save an except where necessary with the OW, who in my case was married too. It wasn't until I committed to her, at her request, to be completely honest about contact and open myself up to complete scrutiny that it hit home for me. He has to realize the costs of his actions. Or leave him. Simply.

[rose315]

I'm really sorry for your pain.

 

Did you ever see any of the msgs your h sent? Do you have a sense as to how romanti their association became as opposed to the friendship your h claims?

 

I personally suggest you ignore the ow as much as possible and focus on your husband. Talking to her, her parents, assoc, etc will accomplish nothing other than putting you in the "wrong". She is not the problem, your husband is. It's obvious that she couldn't care less what you think or feel, so just don't go there anymore.

 

2nd, it's completely possible that your husband really does8lt have contact with her any longer. Don't assume the worst. Don't make yourself sick with worry either.

 

3rd, he is not stupid. He knows that his friendship with her is wrong or he wouldn't have been lying to you. He is not, however willing to face either the level of your pain nor what he stands to lose. He needs to come to an awareness of that.

 

If he will not go to counseling in the face of your pain, will he go if the alternative is to lose you altogether? Can your marriage survive if this is not dealt with? It doesn't sound like it.

 

You may want to convey that to him, but in a non threatening, calm matter of fact way. No screaming, no tantrums, just a conveyance of your feelings and the depth of your pain.

 

The trouble is, you have to mean it. If you tell him you will leave if he doesn't take this seriously and do everything in his power including counseling, then, if he says NO, you actually have to leave.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you for the reply. To answer your first question, I did not see any of his outgoing text messages to her, nor did I see any of her messages sent to him other than that "kiss, kiss" message. I really have no idea how close or involved they were.

 

My H has been home for a day now and I haven't seen any suspicious behavior. He leaves his phone out where I could easily see it and he didn't even get on the computer once the entire day or evening yesterday.

 

It's still entirely possible they have contact, but I dont have any proof at this point so I'm trying to back off and observe to see if I can catch him in anymore lies.

 

I also agree with you about not contacting the OW. She already knows how I feel about her and her relationship with my H because i've already confronted on previous occasions and flat out told her to leave my H alone. By continuing to contact her all it's going to do is make me look like the crazy, jealous wife and I dont want that.

[rose315]

I just wanted to add a small update. My H has been home from his business trip for a few days now. We've had some very long, intense discussions regarding the EA, and my H has slowly been opening up and offering some information. He still wont admit to anything physical, but he has offered some info that I was not aware of before (including some conversations that took place). At least he's no longer denying that it was in fact an EA (before he would act like I was crazy for even suggesting that). His apology seemed a little more sincere as well too. Before his apology was more of a forced response to me asking him "Don't you even care?" or "You dont even seem like you're sorry" and he would respond with this quick little "I'm sorry" and then drop it. This time around it was more like "I'm really sorry that I hurt you like that and what I did was wrong".

 

I'm hoping that he'll continue to open up to me. His utter lack of communication and not wanting to discuss the EA has been a huge issue for me. I think he's starting to understand where i'm coming from. We also talked in great lengths about me starting school soon and how he would feel if I was to have a male friend sending me text messages or me hanging out with him alone outside of school. My H agreed that he would go absolutely crazy and that there is NO possible way he would want me spending time alone with another man or talking to one on the phone behind his back. In the past when he first got caught having the EA he would try to defend it by saying "I wouldn't care if you had a male friend. You can hang out with whoever you want. It wouldn't bother me at all." Apparently he didn't mean any of that and was just saying that to defend his EA with S in hopes that I would let it continue (which I obviously didn't).

 

So maybe I sound completely naive but I feel like we made a little tiny bit of progress? My H is not the best communicator and doesn't open up much and rarely offers up information so at this point i'm glad that I got what I did out of him. He didn't deny that his EA was getting close to a PA which makes me wonder if it did in fact reach that level? I don't know that he'll ever admit it at this point. He told me that she did have a crush on him and that he could tell that she liked him as more than a friend which is something he has not admitted to me up until now. Before he would try to tell me that he never got any vibes off of her that she was interested in him as more than a friend (which I never believed). He also admitted to being attracted to her (which he also denied in the past). He said that he was pretty sure if he had tried to move the EA into a PA that he doesn't think his advances would've been turned down.

 

Anyways, I am still trying to process all of this into my exhausted brain. Is this even a good step or I am just being completely naive in thinking that he isn't talking to her anymore? I still haven't found any signs that they are communicating. I just dont know what to think anymore

[whichwayisup]

I would assume something physical happened. Maybe they didn't actual go all the way, but probably pretty close to it. Either way, get tested for STD's and let him know that you are going to do this because you don't believe him when he said he hasn't had sex with her. Tell him you would prefer he come with you so he can get tested as well. His reaction will be very telling..I mean if they weren't physical then there's no reason for him to get tested, right? Watch carefully.

 

It's good he's slowly opening up to you, but you know there's more..It's coming out in trickles and when he feels like letting it out.

 

Time will tell if he is telling the truth about it being over. You could also talk to her and let her know (with him there with you) that she has to stay out of your lives for good.

[k619]

Oh my goodness your story and mine are so much alike (I just found this forum after searching "emotional affair" on google). My husband sent hundreds of text messages to a coworker over the course of 3 weeks, she sent him nude photos and they talked dirty () yet when I tried to make him stop he claimed I was taking his friend away. Obviously I didn't know about the photos or dirty talk at that time as he claimed they were just friends.

 

My husband ended up talking with a man from our church who cheated on his wife yet they are still together and my husband said it was a huge wake-up call. He still was hurt having to stop talking to this woman which angered me but we are working through it. I am trying to trust him but it is hard yet I know I have to.

 

I just want to say I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and I know where you are coming from. If you need to talk I'm here, I can tell you my friends and family have been my only sanity during these hard times.