Lonely Lover Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Well, the things you had to say in this post weren't easy to digest, (some harder to hear than others--ahem, *Curmudgeon*), but they were admittedly all true and all so necessary for me to hear. I did it tonight--I told my MM we were over. This time, I'm doing it cold turkey--NC is the only way I can keep my resolve. I wasn't sure I'd ever work up the resolve, but the people here have helped me find the courage. I'll post more about it when I'm ready--the next few months will be so hard, but this time I know where to turn to. I can hardly breathe I've been crying so hard tonight. But I'm taking solace in knowing that I have demonstrated (to myself, at least) a great deal of strength recently. I had the strength to tell strangers (granted, it was anonymously) my darkest secrets--and what's more, actually read everything they said about me. Ugh. Talk about humbling. I had the strength to face my mistakes and recognize what I had to do to fix them. And I finally, finally, I found the strength to end my A. In all the grief there is already a glimmer of relief; I did something I knew I had to do but was so afraid to face. That being said, I know things will get harder before they get easier. Right now I feel like I'm addicted to him--I'm worried about the inevitable withdrawals. I would appreciate any advice on how to keep my resolve, how to keep functioning in my life, and how to move past all this grief. Thank you again
wildsoul Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Good for you! That's a big step, but one that will have you standing a little taller as you get your self-respect back.
Geishawhelk Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Lonelylover... first of all, accept the grief. You're going through a mourning process of a sort. So don't fight the feelings necessarily, but accept that it hurts. My goodness, it hurts. It will stroke you at times like a twilight wave tickling your toes on an evening beach, and at other times, will hit you like an overwhelming tornado, the force of which you'll just have to ride out..... But either way, let it come, let it sit with you, and let it be. But don't wallow in it. don't dwell.... at one moment or another, during any of these periods, you'll say to yourself, "Ok, enough now....I'm done....." and rise through it. Like any addiction, you need an antidote, a replacement. You need something to occupy your time. you need something that will be just as all-envelopping, all-engrossing and all-consuming as this relationship.... Now let me see.... Ah!! I've got it!! You. This is a bit of advice I posted some time ago, to someone in a similar situation to yourself: Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other. Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you in the past. (I know you haven't even hinted this, but I'm just speaking from experience here....) Your happiness is not dependent on life being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it rarely ever is. Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will. Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself. Anything. The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You. And get this: You always will be. because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to love anyone else - you can never love anyone else that way. You will always have an agenda - and so will they The most important things you can give yourself right now, is Time, and you. Take care. GW
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 One step at a time. One second at a time. God walks with you even if you don't know it. What you did, does require courage and conviction. Hang on to both. NOT all bs want to just bash. Yes, most of us are harsh in our delivery, but it is only to try to get you to see the situation as it truly is. The fantasy is wonderful, until the pain begins. God bless.
Meaplus3 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Well, the things you had to say in this post weren't easy to digest, (some harder to hear than others--ahem, *Curmudgeon*), but they were admittedly all true and all so necessary for me to hear. I did it tonight--I told my MM we were over. This time, I'm doing it cold turkey--NC is the only way I can keep my resolve. I wasn't sure I'd ever work up the resolve, but the people here have helped me find the courage. I'll post more about it when I'm ready--the next few months will be so hard, but this time I know where to turn to. I can hardly breathe I've been crying so hard tonight. But I'm taking solace in knowing that I have demonstrated (to myself, at least) a great deal of strength recently. I had the strength to tell strangers (granted, it was anonymously) my darkest secrets--and what's more, actually read everything they said about me. Ugh. Talk about humbling. I had the strength to face my mistakes and recognize what I had to do to fix them. And I finally, finally, I found the strength to end my A. In all the grief there is already a glimmer of relief; I did something I knew I had to do but was so afraid to face. That being said, I know things will get harder before they get easier. Right now I feel like I'm addicted to him--I'm worried about the inevitable withdrawals. I would appreciate any advice on how to keep my resolve, how to keep functioning in my life, and how to move past all this grief. Thank you again While it might get a touch harder before it get's better.. your heading in the right direction towards moving past this xmm. The fact that you have found the strength to end this is such a big step. Let yourself go through the grieving process, its such an important part of healing. Things will get better it just takes time. NC is the your ticket to freedom. Best wishes and big (((hugs)). AP:)
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You did the right thing, even though you're in pain and you're going to have a rough time for a little while. Keep busy, be with close friends, and family. Don't isolate yourself, reach out to people in your life, and continue to post here. And, most of all, take care you! Each day do something "nice" for you - Whether it be buying your favourite food, or buying a present for yourself, something that will put a smile on your face.
SnowWhite924 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Congratulations! I could've been the author of your post! I ended my 11 month A yesterday. I did it with the help of my new friends here at LS. I know exactly how you feel. I also feel the relief and have my moments but I know this is what I want, this is the better choice for ME! I'm at peace with this decision. It won't be easy but I'm determined to get through it and i know I will. If you'd like a NC buddy, I'll be more than happy to go through this with you. Keep moving forward & don't look back.
grogster Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Five years ago I ended an intense love affair with a married woman. The pain, desolation and loss are intense but short-lived. You will move beyond this guy, regain your emotional equilibrium and find good relationships with singles. As for me, I've not seen my MW in four years or had any communications with her in two years. Hard as it seems, don't look back. The past is over. Single people are more fun to date, anyway.
Author Lonely Lover Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks everyone. This is my second day totally NC. I'm keeping very busy, but I still miss him terribly whenever there is a quiet moment. My friends (the very few who knew about the affair) can't appreciate how bad it hurts... they don't understand how deeply I loved him. They love me, but can't empathize (and I NEVER want them to have to). So Snowwhite, I'd love to be your NC buddy. I know this'd be easier with someone who understands. And congrats to you too!
SnowWhite924 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Any idea how we can exchange email addresses?? I had a crying bout yesterday and felt like texting him just because and you know what? I stopped myself because I thought, 'no! I want to end it, not continue, don't do it!' So I didn't, I got up, got busy, and the desire went away. Let's find out how we can exchange email addresses or is there a way to do it on this board? Hang in there.
astra77 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 After a certain amount of posts - not sure of numbers, you can Privately message each other - look for details in your user panel - it will tell you that you can send a message. My advice for NC is to GO SLOW. You will stumble you may even fall and break NC - but as time goes on and you reclaim your life it will get easier. I have found that by not counting the days this is easier for ME - may not be right for you, just do what feels right for you. Something that i found helped me was to just let the feelings flow, the hurt, the crying, the pain - let it ALL out - that was a great help for me to let it go. By letting it go, everything else has started flowing, I have good days, great days and BAD days, but i let the bad days come and go now, i dont hold onto the bad days, they pop up and i dont "go into too much detail" with myself if that makes sense, i let myself feel my loss, love and pain for xmm on these days, i accept that I have these emotions but then I PUSH myself to come back to the good days as I dont want the bad days back - they were way too hard for me. Reclaiming your life is MEGA important, when was the last time you caught up with family and friends WITHOUT thinking of him for the whole time? Think back pre A - what interests, hobbies or things did you enjoyed doing BEFORE meeting the MM/MW that you dont do know? Ask yourself how did you put your life on hold or ignore your life because of your x? To Start living your life again, you have to RECLAIM it back 100% - albeit one day at a time. If its still too hard, work in hours, not days
Author Lonely Lover Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 Good for you sticking to the NC! I don't know about the email address--it doesn't want to let me leave it in standard format. So round-about: soccersweetie98 at gmail.com This message may be deleted, but we'll see. This weekend I went camping/scuba diving with a big group. We were so busy, and it was so hard physically, that I didn't think about my xMM until Saturday night. Then I realized that I hadn't, and started crying my eyes out from guilt and grief. I suppose that's progress, though. I was lucky I was out of cell phone range, or I would've been so tempted to call him. Now, the urge is gone and I'm so glad I didn't start anything up. Talk to you soon!
Lizzie60 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 baby step.. one day at a time.. you can do this.. be strong!
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