wriotgrrl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 And yes, I know women do this too in relationships sometimes. But I never know what to do or end up doing the wrong thing when a guy does it to me, especially if he does it after being loving and saying he loves me and we have a great time and we are texting and flirting every day and then he stops texting very much. I guess for me if I don't have feelings for the guy then I don't care as much and it's easy to follow conventional advice of leave him alone for awhile or forever but when I like a guy or worse am in love with a guy, the push pull distant hot cold games drive me crazy. I hate them. I am not a game player myself and am just myself but that backfires too sometimes. I feel I should be old enough to know how to navigate the early phases of dating a new guy, but I don't know what I am doing and just feel overwhelmed and want to give up. For example right now I am seeing a guy I have been dating for the last 2 months. It started out hot and heavy and intense. Then he went cold and I felt insecure. Then his strange roommate got involved somehow (not sexually, she is like an over protective meddler towards him) and he broke up with me. Then he missed me and we got back together. Things were great for 4 days. We had 2 dates in a row. It was very lovey dovey and cute and for a day or so afterwards he sent me cute xo texts etc and we wished each other good days and said good night every night. Then for no reason I can see he became distant. I didn't feel or act insecure about his feelings for me this time. I didn't act overwhelmed or clingy (I didn't before either). I am a busy person with an active life and busy schedule and lots of other friends. I suppose I should just ignore it and wait and not bother him. It's hard though.
Angel1111 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 No, I think this is crappy behavior on his part. Maybe a couple of months doesn't seem like a long time, but when you've spent a lot of time together, it can be very intense. And he tells you he loves you? Most men know this is not something that should be said casually, and they know that it takes the relationship to another level. I've never had anybody break up with me during that early phase, or become distant. I think you've got a real problem here and there's a reason why it's making you nuts. Usually, if people treat me in a way that confuses or offends me, then I will just back off from them. If they come back acting like nothing happened, then I'm not quite as quick to respond as I was before until I know I can trust them. I think you need to do the same thing here. If he calls, texts or emails, don't answer and don't call back until the next day at the earliest. But if he goes quiet like this for days at a time, I don't think I'd answer anything until he tried to contact me a second time. Even then I wouldn't be too quick to respond. If he asks you what's wrong, tell him that you don't care for this off and on thing he's doing (wait to answer him after a day or so, of course). This may feel like game playing to you, but you need to have firmer boundaries when someone treats you this way. And that means not being as responsive after they've gone cold and decide to warm up again. It tells them that they're on shaky ground and had better stop the behavior or they're going to lose you. If you don't send some kind of firm message, then he will learn that he can treat you as disrespectfully as he wants, and you'll still come back around. If you let that cycle of disrespect start, you'll really regret it.
bobdole Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Sounds like you're just having a string of bad luck with guys. Don't lose faith, there is better out there. If you can think of anything that you may be doing to attract the wrong time maybe try to rethink the matter (no idea what or anything, just rambling )
Lucky555 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I am like you with regard to feelings when i care about someone. I wish i had an on and off switch sometimes. There has to be someone else that can be there for you and who loves you. If i were you i would pull back and sit this out for a bit to regain your sense of mind and spirit. It call feel so bad when the guy starts to play aloof and you know its happening. You can't stop what they do but you can stop what you do. I say pull back, go out with your friends, flirt, have a drink, and dance with some guys! It will help you but you will still think of this guy..however in time it gets better i can tell you since i have been where you are.
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